View Full Version : 2 Year Break Up, Food for Thought


80dMayne
04-07-16, 11:13 AM
I could write a book on the breakup and the history but I will try and avoid that for now. After having a talk with my girlfriend who just decided we needed a break/breakup due to her no longer holding feelings I told her it must be true what they say, the good guys never win with women, instead it is the scumbags. She is a very nice girl, but she has constantly gravitated back to her ex who cheated on her multiple times and quite frankly has no life and has no plans on going anywhere.
On the flip side I am a generous person who many people would say is overly generous and I try to be the best I can for a woman, to support them emotionally, financially and everything in between. But after 2 years, all the effort and money just didn't cut it. And now I sit here with a question mark on my face thinking, is this something every girl feels towards lowlifes or do I just keep finding the wrong girl. Not to mention, this is the second relationship in a row that turned out the same way, the first going being 3 years.

I have read that women life guys who cheat, and who are scumbags because it gives them a challenge, to try and win over a guy. Logically it makes no sense, but over time this theory has certainly proven itself to be correct.

Curious if anyone else has gone through a similar experience

sarahsweets
04-08-16, 04:39 AM
I could write a book on the breakup and the history but I will try and avoid that for now. After having a talk with my girlfriend who just decided we needed a break/breakup due to her no longer holding feelings I told her it must be true what they say, the good guys never win with women, instead it is the scumbags. She is a very nice girl, but she has constantly gravitated back to her ex who cheated on her multiple times and quite frankly has no life and has no plans on going anywhere.
Before you judge yourself against her going back to an abusive or cheating ex its fair to think about why she would do that. It many cases including myself eons ago it had to do with being abused or taken advantage of for most of my life. Grew up in an abusive household and picked guys like that because it seemed normal to me. Way back in the day I also used to be a bit codependent and seek out those types of extremes to "feel" something. It probably has nothing to do with who you are and how your are. Its all her stuff.


On the flip side I am a generous person who many people would say is overly generous and I try to be the best I can for a woman, to support them emotionally, financially and everything in between. But after 2 years, all the effort and money just didn't cut it. And now I sit here with a question mark on my face thinking, is this something every girl feels towards lowlifes or do I just keep finding the wrong girl.
This is worth taking a look at. Anytime there is a pattern to the relationships we seek out, and that pattern repeatedly has negative outcomes, its important to look at ourselves and see what it is that we can do to avoid it in the future. We need to be keenly aware of red flags in all our relationships. Needs are always being met in certain situations and you need to see what those are and if its appropriate for you to be involved with them.

Not to mention, this is the second relationship in a row that turned out the same way, the first going being 3 years.

I have read that women life guys who cheat, and who are scumbags because it gives them a challenge, to try and win over a guy. Logically it makes no sense, but over time this theory has certainly proven itself to be correct.

Curious if anyone else has gone through a similar experience

No, women do not think cheating guys are some sort of challenge. Again it has alot to do with how we grew up and what was modeled for us.
Ive been in an out of therapy for years. I kept picking the wrong guys and my therapist years ago said" You know how you will know its a good relationship? It will feel awkward and a bit uncomfortable because you will be treated well instead of like sh*t. You are used to being treated like sh*t so that seems comfortable". I met my husband when I was 18, and we were married when I was 20. We've been married over 20 years now and in the beginning what that therapist said was exactly the way I felt until I was comfortable with allowing myself to be loved and cherished.

BellaVita
04-08-16, 04:56 AM
I'm really sorry and sad to hear that you are experiencing a break up. :grouphug:

You did the best you could - you were enough.

I don't know why your girlfriend tends to gravitate toward a guy who cheated on her multiple times.

Nope nope and nope - I do not like cheaters and would never be with one. Loyalty and faithfulness are the two most important values to me. It's not called a challenge it's called hurting the other person. There should be no "winning over" but assurance deep within the heart "I have won his love forever." My ex repeatedly broke my trust and that is a main reason I'm no longer with him.

I don't think that theory has been proven correct - you being one person and having only your relationships is not enough to prove a theory correct. It might mean though, that for some reason you tend to gravitate towards girls who leave you for cheaters. Dig deep within yourself - and try to see why this might be. You might find some answers.

And actually - good guys often do "win with women." My fiancÚ is a very good guy, the kindest and most loving soul I have met in person. And we found each other, and I knew I found gold.

80dMayne
04-18-16, 10:49 AM
Thanks for the thoughtful words, I have been away for a while to try and reflect and shake off some of the anxiety but I have definately hit a low point as of recent over this situation and your views are helpful definately. I know people go through much worse every day but to me, this is more than enough to trigger my underlying anxiety and depression. It is hard for me to really think when im like this, my brain just feels scrambled and so having another persons opinions and suggestions is much easier to comprehend than my own thoughts.

As an update, we have talked a little and she just says she needs time space and more time.. I want to hold on in hopes that time will pass and i will still be there but it is hard for me to believe that she will ever gain back those feelings of love. I have heard of girls falling out of love but never back in love afterwords so I am trapped in a sense. Do I try and move on from her and cut her out of my life completely, focus on finding someone new, or wait around for her to get the time and space that she is craving. Is it really in my best interest to cut communications with her completely? Wont she lose even more feelings by basically forgetting about my existence?

Sorry for the rant, just alot of anxiety and not enough sleep. It very much helps to get things off of my chest

ginniebean
04-18-16, 11:51 AM
You did your best, maybe you just aren't what she can deal with.

I really hate to offer support when I also want to clobber the guy but what the hell. I do it with my kids so here goes.

1. Guys who call themselves nice guys just because they don't beat women are not nice. That's just normal. Lots of "nicr" guys get girls. There are a lot of wonderful relationships out there, look around.

Women do not like "scumbags" geez louise use your head inatead of some whiney bs men tell themselves to soothe their ego.

Ok clobber over.

I truly am sorry you were hurt. Maybe ask yourself what drew you to this girl with a broken wing? That kind of person can rebound. There are signs to look for to see if someone is ready for a relationship. Making sure they are could mean a whole lot less hurt for you in the long run.

Sometimes things just don't work out, be good to yourself, treat yourself kindly and you'll get your confidence back. I am very sure that soon you'll see the twinkle in another girls eye that brings a twinkle to your own.

<3

80dMayne
04-19-16, 12:15 AM
You did your best, maybe you just aren't what she can deal with.

I really hate to offer support when I also want to clobber the guy but what the hell. I do it with my kids so here goes.

1. Guys who call themselves nice guys just because they don't beat women are not nice. That's just normal. Lots of "nicr" guys get girls. There are a lot of wonderful relationships out there, look around.

Women do not like "scumbags" geez louise use your head inatead of some whiney bs men tell themselves to soothe their ego.

Ok clobber over.

I truly am sorry you were hurt. Maybe ask yourself what drew you to this girl with a broken wing? That kind of person can rebound. There are signs to look for to see if someone is ready for a relationship. Making sure they are could mean a whole lot less hurt for you in the long run.

Sometimes things just don't work out, be good to yourself, treat yourself kindly and you'll get your confidence back. I am very sure that soon you'll see the twinkle in another girls eye that brings a twinkle to your own.

<3

Appritiate the positive thoughts, and you are definately correct in saying that women in general are not like that. Unfortunately in my lifetime girls have left me for someone much less centered on success or going anywhere in life. Im sure it isnt everyone or even the majority, I have just picked out of the wrong pile perhaps like you pointed out. Unfortunately for me in every case there is no sure tell clue to know this is going to happen. Somewhere along the line there is a complete change in thinking and even lifestyle to where I no longer fit their preference and now the guy who is a well known druggie and even violent person is the attractive one. I am at the point to where I dont want to waste my time on relationships anymore. My trust has gone down the toilet. But sadly my dream has always been to find that one to spend my life with and so eventually I will pick myself up and pursue other options, but how long it will take to get over this only God knows.

ginniebean
04-19-16, 12:40 AM
Awwww you know, take some you time. You had youR
hopes and heart broken. Sadly, most of us get a few kicks in the head in relationships. Next time, look for someone who shares your values, money, career long term goals, recreation. People do like talking about themselves.

You'll find her, and you're right it's really not easy.