View Full Version : Can you relate? Is their hope?


CrystalBeth
04-07-16, 08:57 PM
Okay. So I was recently just diagnosed with Adult ADHD-PI four days ago on the 4th. I never even once considered myself to have ADHD, mostly because I was uneducated about it. I am 23 years old, have withdrawn from college 4 separate times, and feel incredibly lost, even though the initial diagnosis really made some puzzle pieces of my life fit together. I read an article that really resonated with me, and immediately saw a psychiatrist, whom confirmed my ADHD and has already prescribed me some generic Ritalin, the kind that you are supposed to "feel" within 30 minutes of taking. On the first day I was asked to take 10mg, and if I didn't "feel" like my focus was driven to specific tasks, to take it up to 20mg and so forth, but now am taking 30mg in the morning and still do not feel different than my "normal" self. After taking 30mg, I did feel more "up", I felt happier (more so a body high I guess), but that effect wore off within the hour, and I still haven't noticed anything different besides that slight euphoric feeling briefly. I guess what I am seeking is some sort of clarity. I know things take time, but it's hard to be patient when I finally feel that I can start addressing some of my problem, you know? I feel terrible for being selfish and taking some of your time to post this long *** thread, but I really don;t have very many people to talk to about this, besides my psychiatrist of course, but I cant afford to see her that much already. If anyone can relate to any of these things and offer input of their own personal experiences or how they overcame thing, I would be incredibly grateful. I know its long, and that many people like me aren't going to bother to read it all, so even if you could focus on one particular part to offer insight, I would still be just as appreciative. My main worry is my motivation section, so if you do choose to just read one thing, that should be it :p.

TL;DR - 23 year old male, recently diagnosed (since the 4th of April). Medicated, but still trying to find whats right (I think). If you can relate to any of my struggles, please offer input. Lost and confused, seeking help wherever I can get it, even if its just on one particular section, and not all of them. Or if they are even symptoms of ADHD.

Inattentiveness Ė Easy to ďactĒ like Iím listening, when really Iím spaced out/focused on some other noise or object around me. Conversations donít seem to stick with me unless Iím rarely interested. Or if I do ďhearĒ everything you say, 10 minutes later I couldnít tell you everything we just talked about unless given time to think for a while. Reflecting does help with this, but in most cases like work and school Iím not given the opportunity to reflect for long. Scattered reading/visual focus. We will take writing this for example, this thought didnít occur to me until way later in the writing process, then without even completing that sentence a new thought arose to add in some other part of this, and I find myself in a whole new part of the thought process, and forgetting some things I wanted to put down earlier. Again, reflecting is very key to this, almost meditating on an individual thought, just finding that individual thought is a chore and mentally draining sometimes. Reading is the same way, I start from the top but then find myself all over the place in the article or subject material. Often read a sentence then find myself forgetting the sentence I just read. Seeing long texts (like this) my eyes just wander, like when I reread this, itís hard to stick to that, or read in the order even I intended it to be. Very frustrating, easily annoyed, then bored altogether really. Noises tend to be the most distracting and incredibly irritating, even though music is one of the few things I can find myself hyper focusing on, I believe thatís because its compromised of a bunch of multiple pleasing noises and music videos take me to heaven.

Process Information Slowly Ė Rereading directions multiple times/having to be told what to do multiple times (afraid to ask sometimes because I feel I ask to frequently). Comprehending materials can come quickly but retaining that information is something I struggle with more, which is where the rereading and questions comes in. Luckily my job is a lot of directions given to me in email, so I always have something to go back and look at, I just feel I visit those emails way to frequently. Very inconvenient when it comes to school. Reading from books is almost pointless, and when taking notes, I find myself doodling or focused on my handwriting, trying to make it neater, or just zoned out like usual. Or focused on the noises of the individuals around me, trying to keep my cool.

Memory Problems Ė Examples being car keys, finding my sinus infection medicine in an oatmeal box (donít ask me why), finding my car after work even though I park in the same general area for months, what day it is (although dates are something I can remember oddly; like appointments, but not birthdays, more so short term dates). Pictures make me remember things a lot easier, but canít really recall many things unless there is a physical or verbal reminder. Childhood for example is incredibly hard for me to remember events from, even high school events when that was 4 years ago. Friends always have to say ďDo you remember thisĒ and have to explain most of it to me before it comes back. This problem tends to be scattered though. Easier remembering things within the past few months, but anything before is something that has to have a lot of thought put into. Not sure if that is common, never really had a conversation with someone about memory. Bills are bad news bears. This is another recently frustrating problem now being self-aware. Like making coffee for example. Get everything in the coffee pot easily, go to fridge to get milk/creamer then see something that needs wiped down on my way, wipe it down, return to coffee pot then remembering I need milk, get milk, pour a full glass forgetting I was making coffee, pour glass back into jug, clean up mess, then put away milk, not realizing I still need it for coffee. Frustrating in the sense that itís such a simple task, why canít I just complete it the first time with zero interruptions?? Also finding specific words is a struggle sometimes.

Social Anxiety/Social Problems Ė Communicating with people is hard in the sense that I canít convey emotions and ideas/thoughts properly, canít express myself to others when I canít pull on a single thought for a conversation, speech is jumbled because there may be multiple thoughts ďracingĒ to my tongue. Am aware of this so when new conversations start I am anxious, even around people who have been my friends for years. And if I am having a conversation I may seem uninterested even though thatís not the case. Again this comes and goes (the anxious part), more so shy in most situations but sometimes I can find myself just completely avoiding eye contact, or sitting outside the hair salon because I donít want to be around people, or asked questions. Even avoiding my roommate because Iím not in the mood to talk or be asked anything (but that could be because I very much am somebody who needs alone time). But other days Iím fine being around whomever, or asked whatever. Not sure if a lot of this correlates to social anxiety or ADHD, just felt in fit into the ďsocialĒ category. Also find myself laughing at literally anything. Give me bad news, Iím laughing, when I feel sad, Iím laughing, when someone is yelling at me, again my initial response is laughter. That could be a defense mechanism to ease me into uncomfortable situations, but Iím still trying to figure that one out.

Lack of Drive/Motivation Ė Always been a struggle to follow through on things. Projects, work, friends. Being ambitious is no problem, I have many interests and believe I can pursue a lot of them, but when the pursuing time comes, there is no drive or motivation to do so, even though I understand that doing whatever will get me from point A to point B. Starting out always seems to be the easiest part, then I feel incredibly bored with whatever I am doing, or think of a million other ways to do whatever, and end up hating what I started on. The initial start-up is okay, but the more I get into something, the more I want to be doing something or literally anything else. This is the part that scares me. I sometimes feel like just a floating conscious and not really a person. Just floating by, bound to get caught back into the cycle of finding something incredible interesting, then having it all become so unstimulating. Which is what I feel makes me depressed. These are typically the moments my ďbrain fogĒ kicks in. My mind either goes blank, zoning out to the point where I find myself asking, ďWhat am I doing?Ē, or my mind and body feel so heavy that I canít even check something so simple as Facebook when itís right in front of me. When doing most things, I find myself either just blankly starring at something stuck in my own internal conflict of thoughts becoming incredibly lethargic, or more things come to mind that need to be done and the initial task is never touched on again. Frustrating and equally scary. Hyper focusing is nice, but rare. Like writing this. Itís taken me forever to get to this part, battled conversations, the internet, cats, a variety of distractions. Came back to this, to find myself really diving deep, but this is a rare moment for me, but still find myself stopping a lot. I feel like discipline can help me with this, but even then I canít follow through on that. Itís a struggle for sure. And Iím even more so confused on how easily my mind can feel utterly blank, or filled with too much. This is what happens when I reflect, thus bringing me back to the point that I really need to focus to pull on initial thoughts. Also just seeing/knowing about the mental effort/learning required already puts me in a funk. I hate this because I feel like some lazy, piece of ****. I feel incredible ****ty about it, but do nothing about it, except start something new and its eventually all forgotten, but then back to the cycle it is.

Depression Ė I feel I am more withdrawn in comparison to my peers, more apathetic then most. Still very much struggling with interpreting and understanding that. I do find beauty in things, but sometimes I just feel everything has and is going to ****, whether that be the world around me or myself. Normally self-loathing follows all my moments of ďbrain fogĒ. But my depression I feel is a product of ADHD, so Iím hopeful that addressing my ADHD will also resolve this.

Yikes. If any of you hate reading as much as I do, I'm sorry for putting you through this.

sarahsweets
04-08-16, 04:12 AM
Well Im surprised your doctor told you to base the effectiveness of the ritalin off of what you feel like. Meds arent really supposed to make you feel anything. They sort of hum along in the backround. For some of us the difference was immediate and noticeable. For some of us it took time. You should evaluate their effectiveness based on whether any of your symptoms are controlled, even a little. Now it sounds like you are not experiencing any symptom relief. Usually with stimulants you will know right away if there are negative side effects. And sometimes you will know right away if they work. Alot of times it takes a little bit of time before you can say its the wrong med. That said, it sounds like maybe ritalin isnt working for you. Some people just dont respond to the methylphenidate class of drugs. Did your doc mention the possibility of having you try amphetamines?

CrystalBeth
04-08-16, 11:31 AM
Thank you for taking time to reply.
Yeah the whole medication process with my psychiatrist felt a little rushed (from what I can remember), and with it being my first time even talking to someone, I wasn't sure what questions to be asking about it. I think I just need to chill and be more patient, but dang that's hard when you are beginning to know how your mind works!
I will definitely bring up other medications/ask about understanding them more next visit.