View Full Version : am i depressed?


daveddd
04-09-16, 01:38 PM
i actually find myself asking myself this a lot

is anyone else depressed so often that you*forget or are unaware if you're actually depressed or not

Simargl
04-09-16, 04:38 PM
My depression is fluid.

Some days are better than others. I wouldn't say I forget but it's not always in focus.

I've think I've been that way with anxiety and anxiety attacks. The anxiety was constant. I had attacks every day. It felt like a normal function after a while.

aeon
04-09-16, 05:36 PM
It comes and goes. I never forget it is there.

What I have forgotten is what it feels like to not be depressed.

Iím just being honest, not trying to be melodramatic or a dramatist.

I want to say more but Iím confused as to what, and Iím not sure I would make sense anyway.

Sometimes I think I am not so much depressed as I am jaded.

http://www.asiapundits.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/8255.jaded_.jpg-610x0.jpg

But there is a part of me that isnít sure what the difference is, if there is one.

I sometimes wonder...if people abuse your trust and take advantage of you in ways that result in profound sadness...
if that happens often enough...does it change your brain in a way that there is no coming back from?

OK, not so abstracted...is my brain changed in a way that there is no coming back from?

Am I damaged goods?

I do the best I can, but I worry that itís not enough to be of real help to me.


Wednesdayís child is full of woe,
Ian

daveddd
04-09-16, 05:58 PM
What I have forgotten is what it feels like to not be depressed.

maybe this is what i meant

i had a brief hypomanic episode this week 4-5 days, but now its back to depression

it takes a reminder for me

dvdnvwls
04-09-16, 06:21 PM
I think that being jaded and disillusioned probably require more self-consciousness/self-awareness than depression does. I don't think there are going to be many people at all who are jaded and don't know it.

I think jadedness and disillusionment are always a direct and obvious result of life events. Depression doesn't have to be - depression can have indirect causes and probably non-experiential causes as well.

I wonder whether "jaded" might be simply a lesser degree, and/or a more gradual process, of "traumatized". I'm very unsure about that.

daveddd
04-09-16, 06:45 PM
I think that being jaded and disillusioned probably require more self-consciousness/self-awareness than depression does. I don't think there are going to be many people at all who are jaded and don't know it.

I think jadedness and disillusionment are always a direct and obvious result of life events. Depression doesn't have to be - depression can have indirect causes and probably non-experiential causes as well.

I wonder whether "jaded" might be simply a lesser degree, and/or a more gradual process, of "traumatized". I'm very unsure about that.

id agree

my is more endogenous right now

Donny997
04-09-16, 07:34 PM
id agree

my is more endogenous right now

I always find it hard to tell when it's endogenous and when it's experiential. Usually external events, thoughts, or memories trigger it for me.

Donny997
04-09-16, 07:39 PM
It comes and goes. I never forget it is there.

What I have forgotten is what it feels like to not be depressed.

Iím just being honest, not trying to be melodramatic or a dramatist.

I want to say more but Iím confused as to what, and Iím not sure I would make sense anyway.

Sometimes I think I am not so much depressed as I am jaded.

http://www.asiapundits.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/8255.jaded_.jpg-610x0.jpg

But there is a part of me that isnít sure what the difference is, if there is one.

I sometimes wonder...if people abuse your trust and take advantage of you in ways that result in profound sadness...
if that happens often enough...does it change your brain in a way that there is no coming back from?

OK, not so abstracted...is my brain changed in a way that there is no coming back from?

Am I damaged goods?

I do the best I can, but I worry that itís not enough to be of real help to me.


Wednesdayís child is full of woe,
Ian

I like the idea of anger circuits burning out. When I feel angry I'm much more energized. Then it always burns out eventually.

daveddd
04-09-16, 07:43 PM
I always find it hard to tell when it's endogenous and when it's experiential. Usually external events, thoughts, or memories trigger it for me.

i won't say its not schematically influenced , but my life is actually going fairly well

being bipolar though, i think I'm more prone to endogenous depression

Donny997
04-09-16, 07:47 PM
I sometimes wonder...if people abuse your trust and take advantage of you in ways that result in profound sadness...
if that happens often enough...does it change your brain in a way that there is no coming back from?

OK, not so abstracted...is my brain changed in a way that there is no coming back from?

Am I damaged goods?


I ask myself the same thing. Tough questions man.

Donny997
04-09-16, 07:57 PM
I think a big trigger for me is when I swallow my anger. I let people make remarks and comments that trigger my anger, which would be healthy I think to express that to them, but sometimes I'm either not aware I was angry (repressed) or I felt it but didn't express it. Holding on to it saps much energy. And makes me feel not in control of events and people - at the whim of others. But if I go a few months without acknowledging that I'm ****** about something, it can seem endogenous to me.

Donny997
04-09-16, 07:58 PM
i won't say its not schematically influenced , but my life is actually going fairly well

being bipolar though, i think I'm more prone to endogenous depression

Hope you rebound soon :).

Simargl
04-09-16, 07:58 PM
I like the idea of anger circuits burning out. When I feel angry I'm much more energized. Then it always burns out eventually.

I know that's what happened to me. I was so.. so.. angry for the longest time.

I went through a period after that where I didn't feel anything. It was bizarre. I slowly started to get out of that but I couldn't process anger any more. I couldn't get angry even if it was justifiable. That has passed for the most part but I don't think I handle anger in a normal way (whatever that is...). At this point I also look at anger as a choice. I can't help initial reactions because that's almost instinctual but I can decide if the anger is justified or a waste of my time and energy. Most of the time I feel like I'm the only one that will suffer so I let it go.

I used to think that controlling or shutting off my emotions was the healthy thing to do. It's actually caused me a lot of damage in the long run.

Donny997
04-09-16, 08:09 PM
I know that's what happened to me. I was so.. so.. angry for the longest time.

I went through a period after that where I didn't feel anything. It was bizarre. I slowly started to get out of that but I couldn't process anger any more. I couldn't get angry even if it was justifiable. That has passed for the most part but I don't think I handle anger in a normal way (whatever that is...). At this point I also look at anger as a choice. I can't help initial reactions because that's almost instinctual but I can decide if the anger is justified or a waste of my time and energy. Most of the time I feel like I'm the only one that will suffer so I let it go.

I used to think that controlling or shutting off my emotions was the healthy thing to do. It's actually caused me a lot of damage in the long run.

Yeah. I need to learn to channel it into consistent, constructive self-assertion, so that the anger doesn't eat at me and I also don't alienate the other person (the former happens way more often than the latter).

Sometimes I wonder if I isolate because I simply haven't learned just that simple idea of being self-assertive. Because not being comfortable with my self-assertion, while other people are, just makes me want to avoid.

I don't know where I got the idea that everyone has such soft egos and I need to bite my tongue about everything.

daveddd
04-09-16, 08:13 PM
Hope you rebound soon :).

i think the best i can hope for is better acceptance that this is what its going to be for me


turning your emotions off is definitely not healthy, the problem is for many, they can't just turn them back on

aeon
04-09-16, 08:13 PM
I know that's what happened to me. I was so.. so.. angry for the longest time.

I went through a period after that where I didn't feel anything. It was bizarre. I slowly started to get out of that but I couldn't process anger any more. I couldn't get angry even if it was justifiable. That has passed for the most part but I don't think I handle anger in a normal way (whatever that is...). At this point I also look at anger as a choice. I can't help initial reactions because that's almost instinctual but I can decide if the anger is justified or a waste of my time and energy. Most of the time I feel like I'm the only one that will suffer so I let it go.

I think I understand you exactly in this.

I used to think that controlling or shutting off my emotions was the healthy thing to do. It's actually caused me a lot of damage in the long run.

I did it to survive. Or at least I hid them, and only expressed them inwardly. The thing is, what was once adaptive becomes maladaptive when the situation changes.

These days, I feel what I feel, and I know that is healthy even when what I am feeling is...some kind of distress.


Cheers,
Ian

daveddd
04-09-16, 08:55 PM
You guys are welcome to start a thread about anger issues

Thanks for the support though

sarahsweets
04-09-16, 09:06 PM
I'm bipolar and its pretty well managed medication-wise. What I need to remember is 'managed' means different things to different people. Now a days I dont want to take a bottle of pills with wine, but that familiar anxious twitch in my heart when surrounded by good things I dont often realize, thats a reminder that it never goes away.

daveddd
04-09-16, 09:29 PM
I either become tolerant or manic from most meds Tried most of them


Mine seems treatment resistant

Little Nut
04-09-16, 10:36 PM
i actually find myself asking myself this a lot

is anyone else depressed so often that you*forget or are unaware if you're actually depressed or not


Depressed but never forget. My issue when it is kicked in is that I don't care and just too much effort to do something about it or anything else.

Just making an observation......looks like thread is more about bipolar disorder than depressive disorder.

daveddd
04-10-16, 12:37 AM
Depressed but never forget. My issue when it is kicked in is that I don't care and just too much effort to do something about it or anything else.

Just making an observation......looks like thread is more about bipolar disorder than depressive disorder.

I started the thread because ive been so depressed so often lately ive forgotten whats it like not to be depressed. In hopes maybe i couldget some support

The category is callec depresion

Thats my issue. Not sure what everyone was talking about

BellaVita
04-10-16, 03:21 AM
I started the thread because ive been so depressed so often lately ive forgotten whats it like not to be depressed. In hopes maybe i couldget some support

The category is callec depresion

Thats my issue. Not sure what everyone was talking about


:grouphug::grouphug:

I'm sorry you've been so depressed.

Little Missy
04-10-16, 07:38 AM
I was Dx chronic recurrent depression MANY years ago. Happiness is fleeting with me. I can not take any AD meds, they make me crazy manic. Every time I get one more thing solidly and comfortably taken care of, another thing comes up and throws a cog in my wheel of happiness.
Only I can make myself happy. Sometimes it is so draining to attain the level of happiness I so desire.

Unmanagable
04-10-16, 09:45 AM
I feel a lot of what I used to think was depression was actually a deep and total disbelief that things can actually be as screwed up and toxic as they are in the world that surrounds me, yet I'm still expected to be some kind of "normal" as it steadily picks up speed.

I can't medicate myself out of it, nor can I breathe or mindfully meditate the toxicity away. So I ended up having to unlearn and relearn all that I thought I already knew to figure out a way to approach it within self and be able to somehow more comfortably live amongst it.

Hence the drastic script flip in what I now ingest and use on my body that I used to avoid like the plague because I didn't want to give up all the stuff I equated to nutrition and/or comfort, or the typical methods I'd been taught were proper that my insurance would cover.

I was stirring up and storing a cesspool of crap within that could never allow anything to be healthily processed, be it food substances or thoughts. I had to clean house to make room for the nurturing healthier stuff, and that's a pretty painful process, in all realms of self.

I just kept figuring maybe I hadn't tried all suggested forms of relief yet, or for long enough, or well enough as they all heavily chipped away even more of my health and what little bit of dignity I had left in my soul.

Diving into my innards and emotions more intensely, deeply, and quite drastically due to a health emergency made all the difference in the world regarding how often I now feel depression and end up in the depressive ditches.

sarahsweets
04-10-16, 11:23 AM
I started the thread because ive been so depressed so often lately ive forgotten whats it like not to be depressed. In hopes maybe i couldget some support

The category is callec depresion

Thats my issue. Not sure what everyone was talking about

When I mentioned bipolar I was talking about the depression (which is a symptom and a state) of bipolar. I thought that identifying with the depression you feel would be useful. I didnt realize you only wanted to talk about people with depressive disorder.

Fuzzy12
04-10-16, 12:07 PM
I was depressed pretty much non stop for almost a decade and it became my new normal. I didn't expect to ever not be depressed again.

Currently I'm going through periods where I don't know if I'm depressed, stressed or just normal. It's difficult to say. I try to tell myself that if I'm not sure then maybe I should just believe that I'm not depressed though to be honest I don't know if that influences in any way if I'm depressed or not.

It is easy though to not remember what not being depressed feels like. Sometimes it helps to think of the things that you used to. All your activities, your interests and how much time you spent pursuing them. I find that easier to remember than actual emotions. Or maybe how much time you spend sleeping if you tend to sleep more when depressed.

If I remember isn't the official time period 3 weeks, that is 3 weeks of depressive symptoms and then you'd be categorised as depressed?

If you knew for sure that you are depressed dave, what would you do?

ginniebean
04-10-16, 12:24 PM
What I have forgotten is what it feels like to not be depressed.

maybe this is what i meant

i had a brief hypomanic episode this week 4-5 days, but now its back to depression

it takes a reminder for me
Dave,

First of all hugs! I'm so sorry you're going thru this. Hypomania is difficult.

For me, I think I experience anxiety this way. I don't remember what it feels like to not ne anxious.

Sadly. So many of ua struggle like you.

Have you been getting enough sleep and taking care of yourself? I know emotional sharing is difficult for you and I appreciate how hard it is for you to reach out for support. I'm so gald you did.

If I can ever just lend an ear, I'll ( happy to.

Also, consider letting your wife know you could use a little pampering and nurturing. That kind of reaching out may not be usual for you but I have found that letting others know what we need really goes a long way!

daveddd
04-10-16, 01:38 PM
When I mentioned bipolar I was talking about the depression (which is a symptom and a state) of bipolar. I thought that identifying with the depression you feel would be useful. I didnt realize you only wanted to talk about people with depressive disorder.

i was responding to a post stating this sounds more like a bipolar thread


i am bipolar, why would i want to exclude bipolar depression


i meant depression is depression, whats it matter what category its in

daveddd
04-10-16, 01:45 PM
I was depressed pretty much non stop for almost a decade and it became my new normal. I didn't expect to ever not be depressed again.

Currently I'm going through periods where I don't know if I'm depressed, stressed or just normal. It's difficult to say. I try to tell myself that if I'm not sure then maybe I should just believe that I'm not depressed though to be honest I don't know if that influences in any way if I'm depressed or not.

It is easy though to not remember what not being depressed feels like. Sometimes it helps to think of the things that you used to. All your activities, your interests and how much time you spent pursuing them. I find that easier to remember than actual emotions. Or maybe how much time you spend sleeping if you tend to sleep more when depressed.

If I remember isn't the official time period 3 weeks, that is 3 weeks of depressive symptoms and then you'd be categorised as depressed?

If you knew for sure that you are depressed dave, what would you do?

its been over 3 months, i know for sure

suicidal thoughts constantly, nothing i can do really

Fuzzy12
04-10-16, 02:29 PM
its been over 3 months, i know for sure

suicidal thoughts constantly, nothing i can do really

If that's not depressed...then I don't know what is ..

(unless you find suicidal thoughts very entertaining and exhilarating, which I'd highly doubt).

Are you doin anything for the depression? You said you can't take anti depressants. What about therapy?

Fuzzy12
04-10-16, 02:31 PM
i was responding to a post stating this sounds more like a bipolar thread


i am bipolar, why would i want to exclude bipolar depression


i meant depression is depression, whats it matter what category its in

It might matter because 8 be heard that anti depressants often don't work well if you are bipolar. Either they don't help or make trigger mania. I'm guessing you ve tried mood stabilisers though.

Fuzzy12
04-10-16, 02:35 PM
Honestly though I think if you are feeling low and are constantly having suicidal thoughts then maybe the question isn't anymore if you are depressed. What makes you think that you might not be depressed?

daveddd
04-10-16, 02:39 PM
It might matter because 8 be heard that anti depressants often don't work well if you are bipolar. Either they don't help or make trigger mania. I'm guessing you ve tried mood stabilisers though.

I wasnt really looking for dx or treatment advice. Thanks though

daveddd
04-10-16, 02:40 PM
Honestly though I think if you are feeling low and are constantly having suicidal thoughts then maybe the question isn't anymore if you are depressed. What makes you think that you might not be depressed?

I dont think its that i dont think i am. I just forget whats its like not to be

Its become my normal

Fuzzy12
04-10-16, 02:48 PM
I dont think its that i dont think i am. I just forget whats its like not to be

Its become my normal

Oh OK. Sorry. I thought you are asking if you are depressed. I can relate to having that as your normal, as your default. It sucks. It's also dangerous because you might stop trying to feel better. I did. I just couldn't believe it could be any different...and I was too depressed to even care of it was any different.

Donny997
04-10-16, 02:55 PM
i think the best i can hope for is better acceptance that this is what its going to be for me


turning your emotions off is definitely not healthy, the problem is for many, they can't just turn them back on

So you've identified your main problem, turning off emotions. You think exercise would help you get in touch? Like high intensity, consistent body building or cardio?

I find it hard to stay unemotional when I'm pushing myself physically.

daveddd
04-10-16, 03:02 PM
Oh OK. Sorry. I thought you are asking if you are depressed. I can relate to having that as your normal, as your default. It sucks. It's also dangerous because you might stop trying to feel better. I did. I just couldn't believe it could be any different...and I was too depressed to even care of it was any different.

Ive been in a chronic low grade depresion for 23 years now. About since 12-13

So its tougg to tell my feelings apart anymore

aeon
04-10-16, 03:05 PM
I know that when I have suicidal ideation I have some kind of stressor that has not risen to full awareness.

This is because I have come to recognize that for me, suicidal ideation is a means of self-soothing when I am depressed.

That may sound odd to some, but it is a kind of psychic safety valve...if it all gets to be too much, I can simply exit stage left,
so no need to worry.

It prompts me to do a self-inventory about my needs, and the degree to which I am meeting them. Oftentimes, this reveals
the unmet need(s) that are the source of the distress which is fueling the ideation.

-----

Iíve come to a realization about my use of bupropion/Wellbutrin.

There is no doubt that bupropion improves my mood, and for the most part, eliminates that I will experience
suicidal ideation whatsoever. And that is likely a good thing.

That said, I have not been on it for some time now, and I have noticed a few things. Most significantly, the greater distress
I have experienced has given me reason to really think about what is wrong in my life, what I need, what I need to change.

Being medicated almost produced a kind of complacency in that things seemed good enough (ha!) that I just sort of wallowed
and floundered without sinking. Actually sinking produced a kind of panic, and it prompted action.

And in my history of getting things done, likely in part to ADHD, nothing has worked better than the fear produced by
impending doom, whether that be writing essays the night before, or, in this case, living on the edge of melancholia
just so I could feel a real call to action.

Iím not suggesting this to anyone else, nor am I recommending it. I am just sharing what has worked for me, so far.

So bupropion has been a help to me, but the survival instinct kicked in when bupropion went away, and it has
caused me to take action, to do things that help meet my needs.

And it hasnít been easy, but then again, it has been compared to lying defeated in the miasma and bog of my own
depression.


Cheers,
Ian

Simargl
04-10-16, 03:07 PM
I have suicidal thoughts daily but I know I don't want to actually kill myself.

When you say suicidal thoughts... do you want to hurt yourself or do you want to stop the moment you're currently in?

I'm sorry that you're going through this and I'm sorry if I helped derail the thread earlier.

daveddd
04-10-16, 03:53 PM
I know that when I have suicidal ideation I have some kind of stressor that has not risen to full awareness.

This is because I have come to recognize that for me, suicidal ideation is a means of self-soothing when I am depressed.

That may sound odd to some, but it is a kind of psychic safety valve...if it all gets to be too much, I can simply exit stage left,
so no need to worry.

It prompts me to do a self-inventory about my needs, and the degree to which I am meeting them. Oftentimes, this reveals
the unmet need(s) that are the source of the distress which is fueling the ideation.

-----

Iíve come to a realization about my use of bupropion/Wellbutrin.

There is no doubt that bupropion improves my mood, and for the most part, eliminates that I will experience
suicidal ideation whatsoever. And that is likely a good thing.

That said, I have not been on it for some time now, and I have noticed a few things. Most significantly, the greater distress
I have experienced has given me reason to really think about what is wrong in my life, what I need, what I need to change.

Being medicated almost produced a kind of complacency in that things seemed good enough (ha!) that I just sort of wallowed
and floundered without sinking. Actually sinking produced a kind of panic, and it prompted action.

And in my history of getting things done, likely in part to ADHD, nothing has worked better than the fear produced by
impending doom, whether that be writing essays the night before, or, in this case, living on the edge of melancholia
just so I could feel a real call to action.

Iím not suggesting this to anyone else, nor am I recommending it. I am just sharing what has worked for me, so far.

So bupropion has been a help to me, but the survival instinct kicked in when bupropion went away, and it has
caused me to take action, to do things that help meet my needs.

And it hasnít been easy, but then again, it has been compared to lying defeated in the miasma and bog of my own
depression.


Cheers,
Ian

well b turin was a miracle worker for me for a couple months

then in put me in a full blown psychotic mania, the most classic type


it was awesome , until i started rapidly switching between that and rage


I've been really searching for a stressor, i don't see one yet

Little Missy
04-10-16, 03:54 PM
I am always prepared.

daveddd
04-10-16, 03:55 PM
I have suicidal thoughts daily but I know I don't want to actually kill myself.

When you say suicidal thoughts... do you want to hurt yourself or do you want to stop the moment you're currently in?

I'm sorry that you're going through this and I'm sorry if I helped derail the thread earlier.

like most, i say i don't actually want to kill myself


but when i close my eyes i see myself hanging from a noose

or blowing my head off

when the pain becomes bad enough ill have "tic" in the form of my arm raising to my temple like a gun is in my hand

daveddd
04-10-16, 03:57 PM
So you've identified your main problem, turning off emotions. You think exercise would help you get in touch? Like high intensity, consistent body building or cardio?

I find it hard to stay unemotional when I'm pushing myself physically.

intense work outs help a tad, for a moment

it also makes me intense

ginniebean
04-10-16, 04:47 PM
Dave, I apologize, I had only read your first post when I posted and i really underestimated your distress. Suicidal ideation is very much a feature of depression. Consider getting some professional help with this. I can't say what it means or how much of a problem but I can say it's no way to live.

daveddd
04-10-16, 05:04 PM
Dave, I apologize, I had only read your first post when I posted and i really underestimated your distress. Suicidal ideation is very much a feature of depression. Consider getting some professional help with this. I can't say what it means or how much of a problem but I can say it's no way to live.

thanks, I've had lots of professional help

don't do much good

Roundmouth
04-10-16, 05:24 PM
So you went here for some NON-professional help... Good choice, I think.

daveddd
04-10-16, 05:34 PM
i wouldn't say i came here for help

maybe social support

which believe it or not is the number 1 factor in a good prognosis

Roundmouth
04-10-16, 05:48 PM
Sorry, expressing myself carelessly... However, social support can probably be help, I guess.

daveddd
04-10-16, 05:53 PM
Sorry, expressing myself carelessly... However, social support can probably be help, I guess.

thanks for the reassurance

Little Nut
04-10-16, 06:19 PM
Dave, out of concern, are you actively seeing a cousellor/therapist/MD?

LN

daveddd
04-10-16, 06:48 PM
Dave, out of concern, are you actively seeing a cousellor/therapist/MD?

LN

I've been seeing a psychiatrist regularly for years

Little Nut
04-10-16, 08:06 PM
Well, Endogenous depression with a bipolar course has got to be a tough row to hoe. How long do the melancholic episodes last for you? Do AD drugs that are effective normally kick you into the manic end?

LN

daveddd
04-11-16, 09:09 AM
Well, Endogenous depression with a bipolar course has got to be a tough row to hoe. How long do the melancholic episodes last for you? Do AD drugs that are effective normally kick you into the manic end?

LN

Yea its no fun

I try not to complain about it to much

When it getsbad i need to talk about it


Meds dont work well for me

Well butrin was the only one that ever worked and it made me really manic

Little Missy
04-11-16, 09:21 AM
Yea its no fun

I try not to complain about it to much

When it getsbad i need to talk about it


Meds dont work well for me

Well butrin was the only one that ever worked and it made me really manic

Same here, it is just sometimes so frustrating that I can get so depressed. Fuzzy got me out of it for today. I just need a change of feelings and then I'm fine again for awhile.

daveddd
04-11-16, 09:45 AM
Major episodes last 2 weeks to a yeAr. It depends

daveddd
04-11-16, 12:16 PM
Same here, it is just sometimes so frustrating that I can get so depressed. Fuzzy got me out of it for today. I just need a change of feelings and then I'm fine again for awhile.

thats gotta be cool

at least you can get out of it sometimes

Daydreamin22
04-12-16, 09:50 PM
I'm sorry you're feeling depressed. I get depression as well. I think I constantly have it low grade.

KarmanMonkey
04-13-16, 10:50 AM
I find relying on my awareness of my mood is a lousy way to monitor my health. The changes tend to be gradual and insideous. Instead I look for things I can measure, or things that are at least a bit more objective:

Pile of clothes next to the bed
Dishes in the kitchen
How often I talk to friends
How many hours of video games I play (and do I enjoy them or switch from game to game)
How engaged I am with my son
How much I dread him waking up when I look at him napping (or hopefully, look forward to it)

Sometimes I'll even go through my e-mail and look at what type of language I'm using; are they full of rainbows and sunshine, or are they doom and gloom?

Most importantly I've tought people close to me how to spot signs and how to call me on them.

Whether or not you're depressed, the fact that you're asking the question suggests to me that you might benefit from focussing more on self care for a bit.