View Full Version : Maybe one day I will learn


Socaljaxs
04-14-16, 10:47 AM
Apparently, I do not learn from my past people mistakes. :eyebrow::scratch: so after I got rid of my previous roommate last year, a friend of mine was evicted from his home and was in danger of being homeless, which was something he dealt with back in his early days of adult hood. This guy is in his mid 50"s. I'm too helpful for my own good and offered in December to let him stay at my place to save money and get back on his feet. At this time, I was living at my condo, and he claimed and we both figured and discuss maybe only like a month or two max to save to get an apartment.

As many here know, my mom passed away early January, my life and home life and every aspect of it changed. I moved home to live with my dad so he wouldn't be alone. However the friend was staying at my condo. Last month he and I discussed him leaving end of month with is 3 months. Well a few weeks back he is now asking for middle of next month. Problem is I am the one paying and if he was serious about moving it wouldn't take 4 months to do so.

So now I'm forced to kick him out I want to rent my place out since I'm not even living there and my finances changed. Am I wrong on this ? He isn't serious about finding a place as he has zero saved to even make such a move. Ugh I hate the thought if him living out of a car, but it isn't my responsibility today for him either. Plus, I feel like at almost 4 months if he hasn't gotten his finances in order he isn't planning or even trying.

He hasn't giving me money so really it wouldn't be evicting someone it would be considered trespassing. I'm thinking of giving him 10 days to vacate and tell him it's already rented out. Which it would be if he wasn't there

Unmanagable
04-14-16, 10:56 AM
I don't feel you're in the wrong at all. He's clearly taking advantage of your kindness and generosity, especially if he's making absolutely no effort to improve his situation. I hate it when trying to help ends up hurting so deeply. Grrrrrrrr Best of luck in getting him out soon.

Socaljaxs
04-14-16, 11:10 AM
I think at 4 months almost you're not even trying to find a place. He hadn't paid anything in almost 4 months to save and the fact he hasn't even tried shows me he isn't going to unless forced too.

Fuzzy12
04-14-16, 12:07 PM
You are too helpful for your own good. :eek:

You really are an amazing person and I doubt you could change that even if you wanted to (and I hope you will never have to out of bitterness) but again, you've done more than your bit for this friend. So, no you aren't wrong at all.

Lunacie
04-14-16, 12:11 PM
Better to be homeless in the spring than in the winter. You did a good deed and it's past time for this guy to take personal responsibility.

TheGreatKing
04-14-16, 01:26 PM
Ya, sounds like he needs a reality check.
Its hard but sometimes it's the only thing you can do.

sarahsweets
04-14-16, 03:10 PM
This is why i never exchange money, do business with or borrow from friends.

Lloyd_
04-14-16, 03:53 PM
Apparently, I do not learn from my past people mistakes. :eyebrow::scratch: so after I got rid of my previous roommate last year, a friend of mine was evicted from his home and was in danger of being homeless, which was something he dealt with back in his early days of adult hood. This guy is in his mid 50"s. I'm too helpful for my own good and offered in December to let him stay at my place to save money and get back on his feet. At this time, I was living at my condo, and he claimed and we both figured and discuss maybe only like a month or two max to save to get an apartment.

As many here know, my mom passed away early January, my life and home life and every aspect of it changed. I moved home to live with my dad so he wouldn't be alone. However the friend was staying at my condo. Last month he and I discussed him leaving end of month with is 3 months. Well a few weeks back he is now asking for middle of next month. Problem is I am the one paying and if he was serious about moving it wouldn't take 4 months to do so.

So now I'm forced to kick him out I want to rent my place out since I'm not even living there and my finances changed. Am I wrong on this ? He isn't serious about finding a place as he has zero saved to even make such a move. Ugh I hate the thought if him living out of a car, but it isn't my responsibility today for him either. Plus, I feel like at almost 4 months if he hasn't gotten his finances in order he isn't planning or even trying.

He hasn't giving me money so really it wouldn't be evicting someone it would be considered trespassing. I'm thinking of giving him 10 days to vacate and tell him it's already rented out. Which it would be if he wasn't there


Unfortunately when friends are involved these sorta situations can ruin friendships. If you made things perfectly clear on your situation and if he understood then you did what you had to do.

Little Missy
04-14-16, 04:55 PM
This is why i never exchange money, do business with or borrow from friends.

This up there :goodpost: and it sounds like different scenario same thing again. Poof!

aeon
04-14-16, 06:15 PM
A lender or a borrower, never be, they say.

My sense is that if you are going to help a friend in such a way,
you have to be 100% up-front and explicit about your
expectations, requirements, needs and dealbreakers.

And even then, there may be problems. So recourse of action
must also be discussed.

That said, I have never done such a thing, and I cannot imagine
doing so. Not because I am not charitable or kind...but it would
be too much of a disruption to my nest, my safe place.

So what I say is borne of my idealism, and fitting it to the
real world might be a bit bothersome, or a complete cluster-
you-know-what.


Cheers,
Ian

midnightstar
04-14-16, 06:19 PM
Socal you are wonderful for helping out a friend, if you need him out though you need him out and it sounds like he wasn't even trying to find a place :grouphug:

Delphine
04-14-16, 06:23 PM
Socaljaxs, I hope this doesn't sound harsh, and I mean it kindly.

You are in the same place you were some months ago. This guy (mid 50's friend) is not in a very different place from that friend of some months ago.

Difference is... YOU are in a very different place these days. You are soooo recently bereaved, and now YOU are the one in need of love and compassion and minding and the one in need of being put first.

If your more recent friend needs reminding of that, then it is a very sorry world indeed!

You helped out a friend last year, who was all about herself at the end of the day. You did your best for her, cut her an enormous amount of slack.... and in the end you had to put your foot down (and worried about more than your fair share of all of that for both of you.)

THIS guy should more than appreciate that, even while you're hurting beyond comprehension amidst your deep grief.... you've also taken his dilemma into account.

I'm sorry, Socaljaxs.... if he can't see that, and if he is still only thinking about himself, then you should have no qualms whatsoever about telling him enough is enough.

Yes, he has problems. Those problems are his to deal with.

I can totally relate to helping people out, and have done so in circumstances very similar to your own. I also know how, at the end of the day, the ones who are appreciators by nature will appreciate a helping hand...... and unfortunately, those who are hell bent on being victims will make victimhood out of even the most fleece lined of circumstances!!!!

Socaljaxs, you need to wrap your compassion around YOU these days and think about your needs. Your bereavement is soooooooo recent, and your need for care is all about you, for once and for all.

If he even mentioned "living out of a car"... then that speaks of emotional manipulation. PM me if you need support on this. I've BTDT so many times, and each time the person involved was far less without resources than they'd guilt-tripped me into believing.

Kindness is lovely and you should feel good about that. But people who abuse your kindness need their awakening to the real world.... and that can be done kindly enough too.

Delphine
04-14-16, 06:35 PM
This is why i never exchange money, do business with or borrow from friends.

On this point, I have to very respectfully disagree.

In my life, I have once (30 years ago) borrowed from a brother... and paid him back in a timely manner.... but hugely appreciated that loan as it got me out of a very difficult situation.

6 years ago, I probably 'borrowed' time and space emotionally from many friends, after a big bereavement. I remember the compassion and will be grateful for the support to the end of my days.

On the other hand, I have also been on the wrong side of offering a lending hand to people who later tried to push the advantage.

The difference is that there are those of us who completely appreciate and respect when a helping hand is offered..... and there are those who need to be told where to get off the bus!

Fortunately, the appreciators of goodwill are largely in the majority.

In my opinion anyway, the other type tend to wait until we make it clear to them when enough is enough.

But... all in all.... I'm guessing that even with such a rule as to "never exchange money, do business with or borrow from friends"
....there are always exceptions, with people you know you can trust. We learn who we can trust.

And when we learn who we cannot trust, then we're pushed to correct the balance.

Socaljaxs
04-14-16, 08:59 PM
This is why i never exchange money, do business with or borrow from friends.

While I 100% agree I still never do it. I blame my mother :D.,:yes: she was the exact same way as me, she took in stray humans the same way, I don't ever enjoy the negative side of a helping hand but still need to learn when/if help should be given.

I told him he needs to be out by 10 days. Hopefully it won't be an issue with him vacating. He has zero saved and made excuses as to why this is so. So realty is unless I told him to go he wouldn't have. I do hope he won't make this into an issue, he had 4 months plus the eviction beforehand to get money in the bank, he hasn't tried to figure it out therefor unless his hand is forced he isn't going to it seems.

sarahsweets
04-15-16, 03:32 AM
I can totally relate to helping people out, and have done so in circumstances very similar to your own. I also know how, at the end of the day, the ones who are appreciators by nature will appreciate a helping hand...... and unfortunately, those who are hell bent on being victims will make victimhood out of even the most fleece lined of circumstances!!!!

Awesome point.
I always saw myself as someone with an excellent bull sh*t detector.
But even that didnt protect me from a needy friend and manipulation.
There are emotionally needy friends and there are friends who are just takers. The worst one of all is a needy taker friend. No one wants to be that guy who has to kick out someone, especially someone we were supposed to be helping. Thing is, the friends who receive help and appreciate it, are the ones who are likely to do the next right thing and help someone out when they are able. I get the feeling that your friend would not be that someone.
He was just hoping you would stay in your grieving state of mind, and he could just perpetually live in your place with the hope you would be so used to him, you wouldnt care. Isnt that sick? He would rather that you keep to yourself and family rather than want to move on and resume life as you know it.

If he even mentioned "living out of a car"... then that speaks of emotional manipulation. PM me if you need support on this. I've BTDT so many times, and each time the person involved was far less without resources than they'd guilt-tripped me into believing.

So what if he lives out of his car. The prospect of living out of his car didnt bother him enough to make arrangements so that when the time came he could leave like he said he would.
You had a bargain and he only thought it was in words only.
I love it when people agree to something and then act surprised and feign hurt when that something becomes a reality.

Socaljaxs
04-15-16, 11:52 AM
I'm not even living there. :eyebrow: but he had the opportunity to help himself,and get himself financially back on track, yet, he didn't take it. I understand that struggle to succeed, especially with my ADHD...but if forced you do what you do to survive. His priorities was sadly elsewhere. Interesting enough he would work odd jobs to pay for things like food and car payments and who knows what else. But he didn't attempt to fix his situation. He may have banked on my kindness and the fact he assumed I wouldn't be burden by this, since my parents would,always help if I needed help.

There isn't bad between us, if he doesn't leave however then there would be:faint:..but on a different yet similar note. Old roommate is working on fixing the problem with her and I. She apologized explained her behavior. She and her dad went to my moms' funeral. I saw her there even when none of our other friends did...but she left after the service since she didn't want to disrespect me in any ways. She has been trying to fix what happened.

ginniebean
04-15-16, 12:48 PM
Sorry you're going thru this. It is just so easy to get into this kind of troublr and I have myself a time or two.

Looks like you have everythinh in hand. I hope he doesn't squat

KarmanMonkey
04-15-16, 01:36 PM
If he's a good friend, he will be thankful for the time you took him in, and recognize that you let him stay 50% longer than you originally agreed.

If he's not such a good friend, he'll resent you for not letting him continue to live in shelter he didn't pay for.

You could always offer him the option of paying fair market rent, as long as you got it up front, but I'd just be tempted to call it quits.

If he lives in his car for a while it's not the end of the world, and it'll be extra incentive to save his money. Either that or he'll find the money for the rent at a week-to-week place.

Regardless, you were exceedingly generous for opening your door to him, and you are simply doing what you need to do. He hopefully will understand that you are not responsible for providing him with housing, and he has not lived up to his own responsibilities to himself.

You could always connect him to support and housing services, but I imagine he's capable of doing that himself.

It's tough being a friend to someone who is in need of help and support, especially when that person needs firm boundaries and help in finding his personal responsibility toward his situation. I'm guessing since he got evicted before, it may be a while before he learns that particular lesson.

sarahsweets
04-18-16, 05:03 AM
Very true. There is one friend out of all the friends or family that I have tried to exchange money or other stuff with who I will do this for. He has only ever asked for 100$ or so to float him to the next pay check and I always say yes and he immediately mails me a check ahead of time and tells me when to cash it. SO there are always exceptions. I was speaking from a point of bitterness when I was truly taken advantage of financially and emotionally. It was a double hit because it involved both. I think the problem was, it was evident the first time but because I was not on good emotional ground and still was more interested in being the friend you could always count on, I was ignoring the obvious signs of a 'taker'. But your're right we do learn who we can surely trust but it does take some emotional trial and error.

On this point, I have to very respectfully disagree.

In my life, I have once (30 years ago) borrowed from a brother... and paid him back in a timely manner.... but hugely appreciated that loan as it got me out of a very difficult situation.

6 years ago, I probably 'borrowed' time and space emotionally from many friends, after a big bereavement. I remember the compassion and will be grateful for the support to the end of my days.

On the other hand, I have also been on the wrong side of offering a lending hand to people who later tried to push the advantage.

The difference is that there are those of us who completely appreciate and respect when a helping hand is offered..... and there are those who need to be told where to get off the bus!

Fortunately, the appreciators of goodwill are largely in the majority.

In my opinion anyway, the other type tend to wait until we make it clear to them when enough is enough.

But... all in all.... I'm guessing that even with such a rule as to "never exchange money, do business with or borrow from friends"
....there are always exceptions, with people you know you can trust. We learn who we can trust.

And when we learn who we cannot trust, then we're pushed to correct the balance.