View Full Version : How to deal with feeling "not good enough"


BellaVita
04-15-16, 05:09 AM
I struggle from time to time with feeling "not good enough."

I am sure many of you can relate.

As many of you know, I really look up to David Archuleta. When I went to his concert recently, he said something that shocked me. He explained how he has struggled with and worried he's not good enough. Just the way he said those words (more than once), in a serious emotional voice, "not good enough."

I was completely shocked. David Archuleta....not good enough!?!?

He is like the definition of good enough! He is a wonderful singer who puts so much energy and effort and emotion into his songs, he has a humble heart, he is kind, and good, he is a genuine person who often puts others before himself. He exercises, he's not bad looking...how can he possibly think he's not good enough???

It made me hurt for him, if only he could see what I see. What probably many who meet him sees.

So I'm like....if he thinks HE'S not good enough, it makes me reconsider whether I'm good enough?

You saw that list I wrote, I have some of those things too I think. And yes, I know he's human, I know he's not perfect. I'm just, I don't get it how he could think he's not good enough.

And so...here I am....I am not a successful singer or have a career...I do exercise, I think my heart is in the right place....but yet something about me just...I don't feel "good enough" either. Sometimes I do. Sometimes when I'm having a good day, I feel good enough.

But other times, I sink back into a depression, and I feel low about myself.

I feel sad that he thinks he might not be good enough. I'm sad that even for a moment, those words would cross his mind. :(

Maybe we all don't feel good enough. I really shouldn't let it affect me so much, but it does. I just wish I could erase all feelings of "not good enough" from him, and from me too. I wish we could both look in the mirror, and say to ourselves "I know I'm good enough" - and mean it from the deepest parts of our hearts.

Please, I would like to know some thoughts on this. How do others deal with these types of feelings?

PS. Please keep in mind I'm autistic and so that is why I talk about David Archuleta in this way, besides the fact that his music helped me during some of the hardest years. He is the main singer I've listened to for the past 8 years.

Roundmouth
04-15-16, 05:27 AM
'Not good enough' is always present. I personally never had a problem dealing with feelings, the challenge is dealing with reality. A reality where I - no matter what I happen to feel at the moment - de facto is not good enough.

BellaVita
04-15-16, 05:47 AM
'Not good enough' is always present. I personally never had a problem dealing with feelings, the challenge is dealing with reality. A reality where I - no matter what I happen to feel at the moment - de facto is not good enough.

I'm sorry you struggle with "not good enough" too. :(

Roundmouth
04-15-16, 06:10 AM
Yes, this is really a frustrating thing... Sometimes I may for a while think that I'm getting things under control. Like, it took me some extra years but now at last I seem to be on the right track.

Problem is, it works for a while. Then you're completely exhausted after trying 150% being aware of everything. Besides it means there's no energy left for those things you're actually good at - that might be an actual resource at work or whatever. And besides, it always turns out, no matter how hard you've worked, you've still missed some things. Never as good as the others... No matter how you've struggled getting everything right. There's still coffee spots on some table that you missed.

peripatetic
04-15-16, 06:25 AM
edit: oops! i didn't realise this is in depression... that's not where my situation is rooted, so... my post may not be applicable :o x



unsure how comparable/relatable/helpful this'll be to you, bella...but since it might...i hope :)

what you describe as "not good enough" isn't entirely dissimilar from a recurring theme that plagues me. i have concerns about "deserving" this or that. usually in fear form, like, i haven't done anything to deserve C and i'm afraid of the consequences of that (usually along the lines of, sure, i've done my best etc and i E-N...buuuut i have made mistakes P-QQQ, and yet, to my surprise, C. what does this mean? is it a mistake? is it a test? i tend to end up concluding i'm going to have to "pay" for undeservedly C.)

or, i can't possibly deserve x and yet...x! i can't **** this up or (insert worst imagined scenario A....and then one after another back up worst case scenarios B-L spring to mind as possibilities)

if that sounds similar to what you're experiencing...i know you're interested in tips for coping and i don't know that i can say i have any healthy solution ideas on me...

i will say that (again, in case you think comparable), my psychiatrist has talked about mindfulness and acceptance of the thought and something kinda CBT like that involves naming it as such, right, so...like...oh, that's that ****ty thought related to that diagnosis and i guess by identifying it you're more able to ...not compartmentalize, but i guess "categorize" it as being in the "mental illness acting up" bucket and over time diffuse its influence on your behavior/actions/thoughts.

i've tried that and...like, if you retain the insight to know that it's disturbed or dysfunctional thinking, blah blah blah...i find that i'm equally able to keep in mind that, yes...it's prolly xyz and there's nothing to do or worry about let it go can't harm you...or whatever. BUT...even if there is only a <1% chance that whatever i fear could happen and happen for the reason i feared it would...there's also some % chance that i still should do something, even if not for the reason i'm thinking, but it'll set in motion a series of events that end in disaster. plus, even if xyz and nothing and no possible action could set in motion or prevent....blah blah blah... i might as well cover all of my bases and...do this, don't do that, cut a deal with the universe...and so forth.

there's another therapist i've seen who wanted me to write down every horrid thing and then address each one and...like...when the world didn't end (not an actual example...but...i can't give a real one....thus the problem;)) then i'd gain confidence or the ideas would lose their power... i'm fuzzy on the details there. obviously, i didn't really throw myself into that tactic. i wrote out maybe two or three things...and then, no, they didn't come to pass...NOT YET...but, i don't even want to think about any of that. i mean, if i'm being fully forthcoming...i regret even trying that. though, yeah... i concurrently feel like a silly stupid thing for having that regret or these hang ups i general because they smack of being superstitious, which tends to have a negative connotation.

anyway, sorry you're struggling. can you talk to a therapist or go to a group?

Roundmouth
04-15-16, 06:47 AM
I also missed that it was about depression.

But I also wonder... Is this actually true depression? Is it about emotions? Psychiatry makes psychiatry out of everything. Things may appear like psychiatric desease, though it's often rather an issue of fatigue. Worn out by all resistance in life. It's happened once in a while that others think I'm depressed - until I actually believe I am. Though I don't feel depressed, just down. Not because of poor emotional regulation or negative thinking, but for practical reasons. How do I actually get out of this?? I don't want to think more positive, I want solutions.

Unmanagable
04-15-16, 08:08 AM
Each morning I rise, I battle with my own perceptions of my worthiness, no matter how good of a day it is.

Naming the unpleasant thought loops helps. Allowing the feelings instead of trying to squash or hide them helps. Recognizing them for what they are instead of letting them totally take over my mood helps.

Each time is different, though, so there isn't really one blanket thing to do to ease the emotional pain attached to all the triggers.

I had to learn how to dance in the ditches when I fall into them.

stef
04-15-16, 08:30 AM
Totally relate to what Peri wrote - I hope I can reply here later! (too busy at work now)
bella thanks for this thread

BellaVita
04-15-16, 04:55 PM
edit: oops! i didn't realise this is in depression... that's not where my situation is rooted, so... my post may not be applicable :o x



unsure how comparable/relatable/helpful this'll be to you, bella...but since it might...i hope :)

what you describe as "not good enough" isn't entirely dissimilar from a recurring theme that plagues me. i have concerns about "deserving" this or that. usually in fear form, like, i haven't done anything to deserve C and i'm afraid of the consequences of that (usually along the lines of, sure, i've done my best etc and i E-N...buuuut i have made mistakes P-QQQ, and yet, to my surprise, C. what does this mean? is it a mistake? is it a test? i tend to end up concluding i'm going to have to "pay" for undeservedly C.)

Yep! I have this too, not all the time but some times.

or, i can't possibly deserve x and yet...x! i can't **** this up or (insert worst imagined scenario A....and then one after another back up worst case scenarios B-L spring to mind as possibilities)

Okay this yes. My brain gets a gold medal for the amount of "worst case scenarios" it comes up with. It's exhausting.

if that sounds similar to what you're experiencing...i know you're interested in tips for coping and i don't know that i can say i have any healthy solution ideas on me...

i will say that (again, in case you think comparable), my psychiatrist has talked about mindfulness and acceptance of the thought and something kinda CBT like that involves naming it as such, right, so...like...oh, that's that ****ty thought related to that diagnosis and i guess by identifying it you're more able to ...not compartmentalize, but i guess "categorize" it as being in the "mental illness acting up" bucket and over time diffuse its influence on your behavior/actions/thoughts.

i've tried that and...like, if you retain the insight to know that it's disturbed or dysfunctional thinking, blah blah blah...i find that i'm equally able to keep in mind that, yes...it's prolly xyz and there's nothing to do or worry about let it go can't harm you...or whatever. BUT...even if there is only a <1% chance that whatever i fear could happen and happen for the reason i feared it would...there's also some % chance that i still should do something, even if not for the reason i'm thinking, but it'll set in motion a series of events that end in disaster. plus, even if xyz and nothing and no possible action could set in motion or prevent....blah blah blah... i might as well cover all of my bases and...do this, don't do that, cut a deal with the universe...and so forth.

I can relate to lots of that. Especially at the "if there is only a <1% chance that whatever i fear could happen and happen for the reason i feared it would...." and then talking about the % chance that I should do something....yes!!! I don't think things end in disaster for me often, but yeah it's just that <1% chance that really freaks me out.

there's another therapist i've seen who wanted me to write down every horrid thing and then address each one and...like...when the world didn't end (not an actual example...but...i can't give a real one....thus the problem;)) then i'd gain confidence or the ideas would lose their power... i'm fuzzy on the details there. obviously, i didn't really throw myself into that tactic. i wrote out maybe two or three things...and then, no, they didn't come to pass...NOT YET...but, i don't even want to think about any of that. i mean, if i'm being fully forthcoming...i regret even trying that. though, yeah... i concurrently feel like a silly stupid thing for having that regret or these hang ups i general because they smack of being superstitious, which tends to have a negative connotation.

I don't think that would work for me, I'd run out of paper. :lol: I switch from thought to thought so fast, it would be impossible to write them all down because by the time I would've written one several more would've popped up. I also think it would make the ideas gain MORE power for me, because then all of my worries would be staring back at me and to me they are real worries.

anyway, sorry you're struggling. can you talk to a therapist or go to a group?

Thanks peri for your post. It was a different direction than my OP was intended - but I'm so thankful you wrote that because it ended up being something I can really relate to.

No therapist or group for me any time soon, but I have the most amazing support group - ADDF. :)

BellaVita
04-15-16, 05:02 PM
I also missed that it was about depression.

But I also wonder... Is this actually true depression? Is it about emotions? Psychiatry makes psychiatry out of everything. Things may appear like psychiatric desease, though it's often rather an issue of fatigue. Worn out by all resistance in life. It's happened once in a while that others think I'm depressed - until I actually believe I am. Though I don't feel depressed, just down. Not because of poor emotional regulation or negative thinking, but for practical reasons. How do I actually get out of this?? I don't want to think more positive, I want solutions.

I am calling it depression, I don't know if it's actual depression. I assume it is? I don't have these thoughts in the OP all the time. Just some times. And then they clear up after some time has passed.

I also think David Archuleta speaking about those things really made my mind think about this.

Pilgrim
04-15-16, 05:11 PM
I would call it anxiety and it can be the Bain of my existence. Time to go do something physical.

Roundmouth
04-15-16, 05:13 PM
Do you perform better when thinking positive? Then it's probably emotional thing.

I don't. Rather the other way around. Positivity in my world tends to be lying on my back, feeling good and not giving a skit. Happiness is never hard to find for me, I just need to be alone. But it's destructive... When I can mobilize some amount of anxiety, I may get some things done. Usually I don't.

Good times are killing me.

BellaVita
04-15-16, 05:22 PM
Each morning I rise, I battle with my own perceptions of my worthiness, no matter how good of a day it is.

Naming the unpleasant thought loops helps. Allowing the feelings instead of trying to squash or hide them helps. Recognizing them for what they are instead of letting them totally take over my mood helps.

Each time is different, though, so there isn't really one blanket thing to do to ease the emotional pain attached to all the triggers.

I had to learn how to dance in the ditches when I fall into them.

What do I actually name the thought loop? How do I know the thought loop "not good enough" isn't true?

I think that's why I felt the need to write this thread. Recognizing and putting a name to my thoughts and also seeking advice on how to deal.

Dance in the ditches - can you elaborate on that? :)

BellaVita
04-15-16, 05:28 PM
Do you perform better when thinking positive? Then it's probably emotional thing.

I don't. Rather the other way around. Positivity in my world tends to be lying on my back, feeling good and not giving a skit. Happiness is never hard to find for me, I just need to be alone. But it's destructive... When I can mobilize some amount of anxiety, I may get some things done. Usually I don't.

Good times are killing me.

I don't think I even know what "thinking positive" really means. Does it mean pretending everything is okay?

Ah, so being alone helps you find happiness? I need lots of alone time. I think this whole thing might have to do with neurotransmitters too - because sometimes even when I'm doing things I would enjoy they just feel "blah, let's get this over with" and I don't feel much enjoyment. Doesn't happen 24/7...it's hard to explain...it comes in waves I think.

midnightstar
04-15-16, 05:43 PM
I've always struggled with "not good enough", that's why I love my cats so much because they don't care if I'm "good enough" by human standards :grouphug:

BellaVita
04-15-16, 05:47 PM
Hmm I just had this thought. That maybe, if even someone like David Archuleta worries he's "not good enough" - that perhaps it's a sign that these thoughts are often totally irrational and not fact-based?

I just can't imagine not feeling good enough if I were David Archuleta. Does he simply not see himself how others see him?

Roundmouth
04-15-16, 05:57 PM
In my case 'positive' means pretending, because reality is not okay. But sometimes things feel bad even though there is no actual problem in the world outside, then it's an affective problem, then CBT and stuff can be a solution. I'm not saying the one thing or the other is worse. I usually feel good but I have concrete problems. There may be solutions to them but in my case I doubt it's about finding a better way of looking at things.

Positive thinking should in best case be NOT making things worse than they really are. Or it is not understanding the actual gravity of things. For me, this whole process, being investigated and evaluated, getting a diagnosis, has been a matter of learning negative thinking. To realize how hard things have been, how many times I've actually failed. That I've never really succeeded, that happiness hasn't been actual satisfaction, only an idea about success waiting for me around the corner.

Now I've confronted the fact that there isn't necessarilly behind the next corner. No matter how hard I work, there won't necessarilly be a reward awaiting. This has left me weak and defensless... Stripped to the bone. And still, I'm the same old worthless happy idiot!

Unmanagable
04-15-16, 05:58 PM
What do I actually name the thought loop? How do I know the thought loop "not good enough" isn't true?

I think that's why I felt the need to write this thread. Recognizing and putting a name to my thoughts and also seeking advice on how to deal.

Dance in the ditches - can you elaborate on that? :)

I had someone suggest the naming thing to me after having great success with it and I tried it. It felt really weird at first, but was rather effective for me.

If you find a thought loop to be true in a particular circumstance, then from that moment on, I guess you'll know for sure that particular thought was correct and you can more easily dismiss it and move beyond it, perhaps.

I became more aware of the feelings of not being worthy enough and gave that feeling a name, Rudy, because it feels "rude" and is the "root" of many of my issues.

I also learned in the process that many of the times I thought I was right about not being good enough was mainly because I let myself talk myself into not being good enough before I ever tried. I went back and tried many things only to find I'm more than capable, after all.

So I guess it's naming the feelings that trigger the thoughts more so than naming each thought, and I don't name each and every uncomfortable feeling a different name, I just attach all uncomfortable emotional responses to the Rudy concept, and it works much of the time.

By naming them, it made it feel like more of a separate thing outside of me and I don't feel as attached to them.

The dancing in the ditch reference means when I'm unable to think or talk myself out of a depressive ditch, I just get as comfortable as I can and dance (or sing, or hoop, or bounce, or walk, or color, or read, or attend you tube university) in it instead of fighting like hell to crawl back out, creating even worse feelings of inadequacy in the process.

aeon
04-15-16, 09:46 PM
I just accept that is something my brain says to me at times and move on.

At this point in my life, I can recognize that my brain is running an outdated program,
but not get absorbed by it. I note it and think to myself ďFFS, shut the **** up!Ē

Now, sometimes I will be caught by it and feel low...deeply low.

Which sucks, but I know feeling low is part of my being alive and I also know it will pass,
so I donít worry so much now about it happening.

Sometimes I even laugh at myself at how sensitive, mercurial, and dramatic I am.

Lovingly, that is. Iíve come to love and accept myself for who I am.

Now, when I was a youngíin, people did stuff to me that gave me good reason to think poorly of myself.

So I might have special susceptibility to ďnot good enoughĒ thoughts.

I know those thoughts arenít true. And these days, I only want to run my own scripts.
That stuff other people put in my head...thatís done.

But you know what? Iím not good enough. Iím not not good enough. Iím not anything.

Iím myself. I donít need any other descriptor or measure. Those are lies anyway.

Other people can think what they like, and I donít worry about that.

Iíve come to love who I am. I turn 47 tomorrow, and itís taken this long?

Haha, I got here anyway!

Love is an unconditional thing. So I love myself even in my not good enough ways.

Because even then, I am good enough for me.

At last.

And you know what?

When I look at other people, and I see their worry that they are not good enough, it breaks my heart.
I have compassion for their human experience, for I know self-doubt.

But if they could see what I see...people are beautiful, more wonderful than they know.

Good enough for what?

To love one another? To love their self?


Blessťd Be Unto You All,
Ian

BellaVita
04-16-16, 01:53 AM
In my case 'positive' means pretending, because reality is not okay. But sometimes things feel bad even though there is no actual problem in the world outside, then it's an affective problem, then CBT and stuff can be a solution. I'm not saying the one thing or the other is worse. I usually feel good but I have concrete problems. There may be solutions to them but in my case I doubt it's about finding a better way of looking at things.

Yeah, I hear ya. I like finding solutions too.

With stuff like thinking I might not be "good enough" it's something that's just in my head.

Positive thinking should in best case be NOT making things worse than they really are. Or it is not understanding the actual gravity of things. For me, this whole process, being investigated and evaluated, getting a diagnosis, has been a matter of learning negative thinking. To realize how hard things have been, how many times I've actually failed. That I've never really succeeded, that happiness hasn't been actual satisfaction, only an idea about success waiting for me around the corner.

Now I've confronted the fact that there isn't necessarilly behind the next corner. No matter how hard I work, there won't necessarilly be a reward awaiting. This has left me weak and defensless... Stripped to the bone. And still, I'm the same old worthless happy idiot!

Awwwwww. :grouphug::grouphug:

BellaVita
04-16-16, 02:01 AM
I had someone suggest the naming thing to me after having great success with it and I tried it. It felt really weird at first, but was rather effective for me.

If you find a thought loop to be true in a particular circumstance, then from that moment on, I guess you'll know for sure that particular thought was correct and you can more easily dismiss it and move beyond it, perhaps.

I became more aware of the feelings of not being worthy enough and gave that feeling a name, Rudy, because it feels "rude" and is the "root" of many of my issues.

Awwww. I see now. :grouphug: I need to come up with a name for my thought loop of "not good enough."

I also learned in the process that many of the times I thought I was right about not being good enough was mainly because I let myself talk myself into not being good enough before I ever tried. I went back and tried many things only to find I'm more than capable, after all.

I'm glad you've found that you're capable. :) I think mine is more just this "not nice" weird feeling inside me - that pops up sometimes, regardless of what I do. I do my best. Sometimes I'll do something and feel good after, but then other times throughout/after that same activity I'll have that weird "not good enough" feeling. And it brings me down. It's strange.

So I guess it's naming the feelings that trigger the thoughts more so than naming each thought, and I don't name each and every uncomfortable feeling a different name, I just attach all uncomfortable emotional responses to the Rudy concept, and it works much of the time.

By naming them, it made it feel like more of a separate thing outside of me and I don't feel as attached to them.

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense.

The dancing in the ditch reference means when I'm unable to think or talk myself out of a depressive ditch, I just get as comfortable as I can and dance (or sing, or hoop, or bounce, or walk, or color, or read, or attend you tube university) in it instead of fighting like hell to crawl back out, creating even worse feelings of inadequacy in the process.

Thanks for explaining. :grouphug:

BellaVita
04-16-16, 02:15 AM
Ian - another beautifully written post. I really have no words to add to it.

Thank you for posting that. :grouphug:

dvdnvwls
04-16-16, 04:47 AM
Positive thinking and negative thinking are both worthless.

When people preach positive thinking, what they ought to mean (but they don't) is true thinking.

It often happens that a person's thoughts - especially their judgments about themselves - are out of sync with reality. Helping that person bring their thoughts closer to reality can be a good thing, if done kindly and well. But the way it's often preached, it ends up just replacing one harmful unrealistic thought (the "negative") with another harmful unrealistic thought (the "positive"). Both of them are equally mistaken, and equally sad to witness.

Examining the situation and finding something close to the truth can be tricky, but it's better than the mess people are too often put in now.

JohnSB05
05-07-16, 09:05 PM
I think the only one solution is changing your life. If you donít feel enough you lack confidence. I felt like that until I changed my work. I do what I like now because I love myself and I donít complain.

nuvisys
05-11-16, 10:29 PM
I am one of those individuals that do not rely on prescription drugs unless necessary. I used 'brain entrainment' since 2013 and i am glad i did. I believe it even saved my life. On jan 4/'16, i had my first high bp attack which was due to eating fatty foods during the holiday season. The symptoms were: (1) bloating head, pain and dizzines (2) blurred vision (3) nausea (4) temporary memory loss and (5) a peculiar smell/odor.

Since i do not have maintenance meds for hypertension, I have resigned my life to the Lord. I was also reluctant to go to the hospital. My bp was 145/91. I endured the symptoms for more than three hours. In desperation, I accessed youtube and punched 'isochronic tones hypertension'. I listened to a 20 minute iso-tone and wonder of wonders, the symptoms slowly subsided! After an hour, i became 'normal' - completely no symptoms! It seems that listening to a tone had stabilized my body functions.

The theory is that my pineal gland had 'controlled' my bodily functions by 'ordering' my organs to normalize. It is now more than five months since the first attack. I've had 8 minor and 2 severe attacks. Still no maintenance meds, only listening to the iso-tone during an attack, which normalize within 15-30".

Many younger persons had succumbed to high blood pressure leading to cardiac arrest. Those who did not pass away are now on wheel chairs and need rehab (a slow and expensive process). This info should not be taken as a cure, have your maintenance meds ready, just in case.

In the meantime, i am also using a cheap, homebuilt CES device (brain tuner) and drinking ozonated water. Btw, i 'treat' lack of self esteem and depression with brain entrainment together with the electronic devices (homebuilt).