View Full Version : Divorce due to personality changes upon taking Adderall


Sandpiper5305
04-18-16, 09:52 PM
Can anyone relate to marital problems, separation or divorce due to significant personality changes after starting Adderall? If so please elaborate.

anonymouslyadd
04-18-16, 11:39 PM
What kind of changes in personality have you been experiencing?

ginniebean
04-19-16, 12:43 AM
Adderal can have as a side effect making people real ********. There are other meds. Hope you can work it out before it's too late.

Daydreamin22
04-19-16, 01:14 AM
Yes. It happens. It truly destroyed a lot of my relationships. My doctor seemed to think it was just the relationships, which was really ignorant of him, to say the least.

I am so sorry.

WheresMyMind
04-20-16, 11:48 PM
Yep. My SO and I are trying to work things out.

I've always struggled with making progress, getting things done. As a result, once I finally see a path through the wilderness, I'm anxious to get going so it does not become "yet another unfinished project" My SO seemed to understand this in the early days.

But, I noticed when she worked on stuff, it didn't get done. She'd start project after project. Turned out she is incapable of making a decision because she is mortified at making a wrong one. And, it's every decision. Use 1 1/2 inch nails or 2 inch nails? She'll spend a week on the web, visit a dozen stores, and if there are different opinions, she can't choose. For a while, I tried to go ahead and work on the projects, but she started actively stopping me, for instance by hiding tools so I would not get too far "before she had chosen nails". We had 20 projects begun in a year. I worked full time, she didn't work, but she also wasn't finishing things...or even getting past th demolition phase.

The situation only resolved itself when my company moved me, and we had 2 months to make the house sellable. She kind of just got out of the way and I reassembled things...some were the upgrades we had discussed, but most of it was simply putting the walls back together without repairing the stuff we'd opened the walls to repair.

We bought another house, she agreed that she would only pick one that didn't need anything. But she began five projects within the first month. As before, I tried to be patient, and basically had my own projects to work on...which I started and sluggishly finished, but I did get some done.

When I went on Adderall, my patience for the constant mess and unifinished projects declined and I got more pushy about "please don't start any new projects until you finish at least one of the open projects." At one point she said "I don't ever want to hear the word project again!". I tried to be considerate - I finished some of her projects, but to do that, I had to move materials for other projects into...well, they're own room. She got upset and I said as soon as you're ready to work on THAT project, I'll happily move that stuff out and quit working on this one. Eventually, I finished most of her stuff. But she just was steamed.

She called my Adderall prescribing physician and left him a 45 minute voice mail describing how combative I was and said she thought it was the Adderall and is there another medication to try? The doc told me she sounded passive/aggressive and we probably needed couples counseling. i said I suggested it and she refsued. Well, he said, I will now make it a condition of your continuing therapy. I am your doctor, prescribing couples counseling. If you wish to continue medications and therapy, you must get the counseling. Reluctantly, she agreed.

For what it's worth, the doctor said it's not unusual, once a person is on Adderall, or other ADHD med, that their own productivity is up (my estimate is 15% - there's no magic) and they become more aware that their own productivity isn't perhaps the Big Problem, that someone else is actively in their way and yes, they'll have less patience. But if there wasn't Adderall involved, it can happen simply because someone takes some classes on time and project management and that too, can cause them to realize someone else is working against them.

A year into counseling now. Counselor tells me "you are much more patient that most men. But you married a woman who needs more. The question is are you up to it?" but she's also told my SO, "It's one thing to struggle with personal decisions, but when your chosen action interferes with someone else's progress, you are going to come across as trying to manipulate and control that person, even if you don't intend to. It's a collision course."

SO's opinion now is that she believes she's not suited to be in a relationship and claims she's going to file...then thinks about it a few days, realizes that I've made her wealthy and fears she won't manage her half well if we split...so she drops the divorce talk.

I don't know where it's going to go. I want it to hang together. I'm doing everything the counselor suggests and making sure to show the SO what I appreciate, but ultimately, she could still make The Decision.

She has dropped claims that it was Adderall...she moved on to saying it was my coffee habit, and then it's because I'm 20 pounds overweight that I lost patience, and then it's because I'm not a vegetarian, and then later, because I was and...she keeps saying it's this or that thing that I do or don't ingest...although this is finally on the wane after the counselor suggested we simply deal with behaviors and stop trying to blame anything outside the relationship.

Yeah, it's complicated.....

KarmanMonkey
04-22-16, 11:17 AM
It sounds like your wife may be in need of a lot of support and change herself. If she's willing, maybe see if there's a reason she has such difficulty with decisions to the point where she actively sabotages you as well.

It may also be a gap between your ideas of acceptable risk; that there may be a happy medium that you can find together.

Since I seem to recall you saying that she pressured you into starting on medication, I would hope she would be receptive to the idea of her speaking to someone (or the two of you speaking to a councillor or doctor together) to see if there's something underlying her discomfort and stress with certain situations.

Given that she obviously wasn't happy before you were on meds, and still isn't happy now, I find it hard to accept that the problem is with you. If she's unhappy with her situation, though, it's easy to look for and accept the idea that the issue is some external force or problem. Even considering the possibility that a problem is because of me or my perspective or attitudes? That's incredibly difficult and painful.

With your example of the 1.5" vs 2" nails, what is the nature of her concern? Is it safety? Is it the possibility of wasted money?

The behaviour you describe in your wife sounds like analysis paralysis to me; or some variety of anxiety disorder, or simply a need to feel in control. Or a million and one other things. If you can work with her and try to understand her thought process, there are a few positives that can come out of it:

1) There may be an underlying issue that can be addressed/diagnosed/treated
2) The more you understand why she thinks and feels a certain way, the more likely you'll be able to demonstrate patience and compassion
3) You may better understand how to help her see ways to change her ways of thinking to make her happier.

I hate computer shopping, car shopping, and, well, shopping in general because of analysis paralysis.

I remember wistfully the days when I'd go to buy a computer and the only decisions were processor speed, how much ram, and type and amount of storage.

Last time I bought a desktop, I was horrified by the number of factors. Not only were there a million different makes and models of video cards, but once I settled on the model I wanted I found out that the same exact card was built by a dozen or so different manufacturers.

I feel strongly that in certain industries they throw so many choices in your direction so that the consumer assumes all responsibility if they're unhappy with a product. My computer crashes? It's easy to think "I knew I should've gone with motherboard x instead of y. I'm such an idiot"

Often with analysis paralysis a good strategy is adding "not making a decision" to the decision process. Normally when we're thinking about which is better, X or Y, we're not considering that the time we delay making that choice costs us much more than making the wrong decision might.

In the end, though, the better you understand your wife and yourself, the more likely you'll be able to make the best decisions for your own life and for both your sanities.

Bouncingoffwall
05-05-16, 07:15 PM
Yep. My SO and I are trying to work things out.

I've always struggled with making progress, getting things done. As a result, once I finally see a path through the wilderness, I'm anxious to get going so it does not become "yet another unfinished project" My SO seemed to understand this in the early days.

But, I noticed when she worked on stuff, it didn't get done. She'd start project after project. Turned out she is incapable of making a decision because she is mortified at making a wrong one. And, it's every decision. Use 1 1/2 inch nails or 2 inch nails? She'll spend a week on the web, visit a dozen stores, and if there are different opinions, she can't choose. For a while, I tried to go ahead and work on the projects, but she started actively stopping me, for instance by hiding tools so I would not get too far "before she had chosen nails". We had 20 projects begun in a year. I worked full time, she didn't work, but she also wasn't finishing things...or even getting past th demolition phase.

The situation only resolved itself when my company moved me, and we had 2 months to make the house sellable. She kind of just got out of the way and I reassembled things...some were the upgrades we had discussed, but most of it was simply putting the walls back together without repairing the stuff we'd opened the walls to repair.

We bought another house, she agreed that she would only pick one that didn't need anything. But she began five projects within the first month. As before, I tried to be patient, and basically had my own projects to work on...which I started and sluggishly finished, but I did get some done.

When I went on Adderall, my patience for the constant mess and unifinished projects declined and I got more pushy about "please don't start any new projects until you finish at least one of the open projects." At one point she said "I don't ever want to hear the word project again!". I tried to be considerate - I finished some of her projects, but to do that, I had to move materials for other projects into...well, they're own room. She got upset and I said as soon as you're ready to work on THAT project, I'll happily move that stuff out and quit working on this one. Eventually, I finished most of her stuff. But she just was steamed.

She called my Adderall prescribing physician and left him a 45 minute voice mail describing how combative I was and said she thought it was the Adderall and is there another medication to try? The doc told me she sounded passive/aggressive and we probably needed couples counseling. i said I suggested it and she refsued. Well, he said, I will now make it a condition of your continuing therapy. I am your doctor, prescribing couples counseling. If you wish to continue medications and therapy, you must get the counseling. Reluctantly, she agreed.

For what it's worth, the doctor said it's not unusual, once a person is on Adderall, or other ADHD med, that their own productivity is up (my estimate is 15% - there's no magic) and they become more aware that their own productivity isn't perhaps the Big Problem, that someone else is actively in their way and yes, they'll have less patience. But if there wasn't Adderall involved, it can happen simply because someone takes some classes on time and project management and that too, can cause them to realize someone else is working against them.

A year into counseling now. Counselor tells me "you are much more patient that most men. But you married a woman who needs more. The question is are you up to it?" but she's also told my SO, "It's one thing to struggle with personal decisions, but when your chosen action interferes with someone else's progress, you are going to come across as trying to manipulate and control that person, even if you don't intend to. It's a collision course."

SO's opinion now is that she believes she's not suited to be in a relationship and claims she's going to file...then thinks about it a few days, realizes that I've made her wealthy and fears she won't manage her half well if we split...so she drops the divorce talk.

I don't know where it's going to go. I want it to hang together. I'm doing everything the counselor suggests and making sure to show the SO what I appreciate, but ultimately, she could still make The Decision.

She has dropped claims that it was Adderall...she moved on to saying it was my coffee habit, and then it's because I'm 20 pounds overweight that I lost patience, and then it's because I'm not a vegetarian, and then later, because I was and...she keeps saying it's this or that thing that I do or don't ingest...although this is finally on the wane after the counselor suggested we simply deal with behaviors and stop trying to blame anything outside the relationship.

Yeah, it's complicated.....

I hear you, and it sounds like a heart-wrenching situation. You didn't sign up for this when you entered the relationship. The "for worse" part of the marriage vows comes into play here.

But flipping the script around, she didn't sign up for your changes either. Although you're making improvements in your life and becoming a healthier man, she's used to the "old" you. You're working to overcome your barriers and limitations and evolve as a person.

A relationship is like dancing. You learn how to tango, become really good at it. But now you don't want to tango anymore, you want to rhumba. You want to change up the dancing steps, but your dancing partner doesn't know how to rhumba, she only wants to continue the tango.

When one person changes in a relationship, the other has to cope by adapting, which often means your SO has to grow and evolve herself. If she's not willing to do that, "For better or for worse," you'll never be able to force her to. She'll stay stuck as you continue growing and evolving. She'll either make the decision to change, or she'll leave. Or you'll leave. That's the part that scares most people - potential abandonment.

It sucks. After experiencing this same situation a couple of times, one of the points I had to add to my relationship list was:

"My ideal partner values personal growth and evolves over time."

Little Nut
05-06-16, 11:11 AM
Can anyone relate to marital problems, separation or divorce due to significant personality changes after starting Adderall? If so please elaborate.

Hi Sand, Upon reading your post I immediately wondered if you are connected to the legal field? My intention is not to insult, but just personal curiosity.

For your post, I have no knowledge/experience of Adderall negatively impacting a marital relationship. OTOH I have knowledge AND experience with the "lack of Adderall" or other stimulants negatively impacting several marital relationships. Regards, -LN

Lloyd_
05-07-16, 07:55 PM
Hmm.. It seems maybe there's more to this than simply because of her inability to finish some home remodeling projects???

Maybe your SO isn't able to drive a nail through a '2x4'.

Sometimes we expect people to just know things without showing them how to do it. Have you tried to teach her the basics in carpentry or whatever else she's working on?? If she's being hostile after the fact then it's on her BUT you should mentor her a little bit more IMO.

Hope things work out for you.