View Full Version : Loneliness, no friends?


saqua07
04-23-16, 01:32 PM
Does anybody out there also have no friends and find themselves being very lonely?

How have you coped or managed to turn this around?

I was looking to join a club but my concentration span is so bad I would be unable to concentrate and take part in being a team member of a basketball club which is keeping me quite lonely.

I find I am unable to go to my work events as well due to not being able to remember whats on the menu and have difficulty ordering due to my mind not really functioning.

midnightstar
04-23-16, 01:40 PM
Yeah, sadly round where I live there is nothing that I'm interested in, no creative writing workshops or anything like that and no animal rescue places I could go help out at, so I get what you're saying :grouphug:

I have a routine now where I'm at work 5 days, then Saturdays I go into town and do whatever I need to do, Sundays I use to rest from everything :grouphug:

cymerau
04-23-16, 01:41 PM
I don't have any friends either. In the last years I've been isolating myself a lot, I actually haven't felt like talking to anyone at all, so I haven't really felt lonely; I enjoyed my own company.

I started on my medication again last week, after a 4 year "break" from it, and I don't know. I'm starting to feel very lonely now. I really want to have someone to talk to. It's weird, I haven't felt like this in a long time. And I have no idea how to make friends. How does one do that, hahah

So I'd really like to know if anyone has a solution for this too!

sarahsweets
04-23-16, 01:41 PM
I dont know how to help you with being lonely but I can advise that you see a therapist. A lot of what you are dealing with could be related to anxiety and depression or be due to social skills issues.

Drogheda2
04-23-16, 01:57 PM
I dont know how to help you with being lonely but I can advise that you see a therapist. A lot of what you are dealing with could be related to anxiety and depression or be due to social skills issues.

Sarah hit it on the head.

a lot of what we can and can't do is basically clinched on our own mindset towards certain behavior's. if you say you can't, you won't for instance.

you would be amazed at how much improvement in your life you can see when you start chipping away at the shell of depression and anxiety. neural plasticity is a real thing, and even though you might not think you can learn.... well someone who has has never had math may think it impossible to do calculus.

saqua07
04-23-16, 02:21 PM
Sarah hit it on the head.

a lot of what we can and can't do is basically clinched on our own mindset towards certain behavior's. if you say you can't, you won't for instance.

you would be amazed at how much improvement in your life you can see when you start chipping away at the shell of depression and anxiety. neural plasticity is a real thing, and even though you might not think you can learn.... well someone who has has never had math may think it impossible to do calculus.

What you have said is true. I have no confidence problems and consider myself to be very intelligent.

I understand the brain is has plasticity but I have been meditating for over two years and yet my memory / attention span ability to recall is still very poor.

Goofycook
04-23-16, 04:00 PM
I have few friends myself. I have a lot people at work that I'm friendly with but we dont hang out. The friends I do have most I've had for forty years. Had to disengage from hanging cause some were toxic. When met them I was operating with untreated ADD. At the time I was so desperate for friends I allowed myself to be their scapegoat.

For a while in the late nineties I went out of my way to make more friends. That back fired cause I never kept up with them. Some of them acted put out cause I never reciprocated their communications. They all seemed so together compared to me. plus I couldn't keep up my facade of an outgoing life of the party person.

So now I'm somewhere in the middle. Don't go out of my way to make friends but I don't close people out. If I feel a relationship sprouting I don't hesitate to tell them that because my of severe ADHD I'm not always together.

the funny thing is when I got together with some of the friends I made in the nineties I told them I found out I had ADD. One them looked at me and said we could of told you that.

My best friends are my 2 dogs and my cat. We over look our neediness and feed off it. The dogs respect my need to be boss. The cat loves to play fetch, have her head and back scratched and loves to sleep on top of me. I couldn't ask for better friends.

yes over the years I have learned to be comfortable with who I am and not grieve over what is out my control.

Goofy

Socaljaxs
04-23-16, 04:39 PM
I was looking to join a club but my concentration span is so bad I would be unable to concentrate and take part in being a team member of a basketball club which is keeping me quite lonely.

I find I am unable to go to my work events as well due to not being able to remember whats on the menu and have difficulty ordering due to my mind not really functioning.

Have you tried different cl8bs? Or automatically believed you can't do it? Also if they have meet up.com groups near you it may have activities that aren't about concentration, some are just for meeting people or leading or random pick up sports. But if you haven't tried. Commit to a month of a team/club and see what happens. Worst case nothing happens but at least you tried

Drogheda2
04-23-16, 05:47 PM
What you have said is true. I have no confidence problems and consider myself to be very intelligent.

I understand the brain is has plasticity but I have been meditating for over two years and yet my memory / attention span ability to recall is still very poor.

meditation is only a tool, it's like school. you get better at mindfulness and apply it to the world around you. for instance, have you applied the method of mindfulness to homework? noticing and really figuring out and asking questions of your work. thats the only way to grow. meditation by itself isn't anything, it's a tool to learn how to notice to apply to other things

also, I used to think this was such a horrible thing and didn't know how to do it, but get passed yourself. when you say you are intelligent you are stuck in the place you are. don't even think in those terms. really, the most dramatic change in myself was when I started learning about self validation. there are plenty of amazing articles and books. read up.

also just cause you have ADHD doesn't mean anything really in terms of what you can and can't do (unless you have severe cases or other really horrible comorbids in the way). there are plenty of succesful happy people, my best friend is getting his PHD in Math and he used to have problems communicating.

ShadowKitten
04-27-16, 10:55 AM
Me. I get along very well with my coworkers and they seem to really like me but I don't have anybody to spend time with outside of work.

I usually go about getting my socialization from MMO communities instead since its easier and on demand. I can't do plans, and I'm terrible at maintaining relationships so...

finallyfound10
05-01-16, 01:14 PM
I don't really have any friends and isolate a ton.

I used to have a "normal" life with lots of friends, volunteered with charities, went to church, etc. Then, while I was in nursing school I began to have difficulties and anxiety and depression set in and I was diagnosed with ADHD-I and I eventually failed out. Instead of turning to my friends and my faith, I quit talking to them, quit going to church and basically became a recluse except for going to work and going to school when I got into a new nursing school. I graduated and now work in a hospital and still struggle with depression and anxiety and isolation.

One thing that has helped me get out a bit more was finding Meetup.com. I see several of you are from the UK and Meetup is in the UK! I have gone to Meetups about depression/anxiety and another that is specifically to help those of us who isolate.

Google Meetup UK and you'll find a ton of different groups.

Little Nut
05-01-16, 05:53 PM
You may already be aware of this, but the isolation and withdrawal from others are symptoms of disorder(s) other than ADHD that may require a separate diagnosis and possibly treatment.

SJB928
05-02-16, 09:41 PM
I understand the loneliness and being alone.

I'm 57 this year, parents died in 1980, only child. A string of failed relationships and a 14 year marriage (no children) It's just been my cat and I since 2012.

I have 1 good friend but she now lives with her husband and family in Germany, 1 other friend that I see on average once a month. I won't associate with work colleagues, it's annoying enough working with them.

Having been diagnosed in February this year with Adult ADHD was good and bad. It's good I know what the problem was, bad that it's just too late.

So Saqua07, I understand my friend.

acdc01
05-02-16, 11:08 PM
I really only have 1 in real life friend and one online friend now. I fortunately have my family though. I go on vacations with other people but the people I go with are my relatives and my sister's friends, not mine.

I just seem to procrastinate meeting people for some reason. Plus, I haven't really met many people like myself so I just don't feel a connection usually and they don't feel connected to me. I also don't do well in big social settings.

Maybe a cycling club for you? Can't talk while you're biking. We've got rowing teams too here.

KarmanMonkey
05-04-16, 08:34 AM
For me, the loneliness was my enemy when it came to making friends... That longing would prompt me to either embrace people who were not good for me, or I'd be so intent on making a connection that I'd trounce over their personal boundaries, making them feel uncomfortable and put up walls. I'm very much with Sarah that it would likely be worthwhile to explore therapy, and see if there's an underlying anxiety or depression issue that might be able to be treated.

The best strategies I've had for making friends:

Volunteer. I'm sure there's a community agency that lists what volunteer positions are available, so just browse and see if there's something that matches your interests. Pick a position that involves working as part of a team of volunteers, or that puts you in the position to talk to people. Even if no friendships come out of it directly, you'll still have more practice with your social skills in a zero pressure environment.

You mentioned not having the focus to engage in an activity like basketball. Are there types of tasks/activities that cause you to hyperfocus? If you can find a social activity that you can hyperfocus on (for me it's board games) the hyperfocus can help offset the sense of urgency in forming the friendships, and also gives you something to fill any natural silent moments that develop.

Join a committee. Find a cause that you believe in, and find a way to take part. For me it was a committee working to develop more support for high school students with mental health issues. Having a common cause can be a great foundation for a friendship.

If you have a faith practice, maybe become more involved in your local church.

Our city has at least a dozen different groups that simply meet once a week to take a walk in the park, or do power walking on a track. I've had some great conversations and built some good connections through these, especially the ones that were run by the local peer organization (mental health related)

Take a class in a subject you're interested in (ideally one you know you'll do well in) and make it a point to sit next to someone different each class, and strike up a conversation. Eventually you may find someone who you connect with, and will even make it a point to sit next to YOU.

These are just a handful of ideas...

As for cycling, you can talk while biking, if you've got wireless headsets. Used to do so when I rode a motorcycle.

Hope this helps!

acdc01
05-04-16, 10:25 AM
As for cycling, you can talk while biking, if you've got wireless headsets. Used to do so when I rode a motorcycle.

Interesting. Do people in cycling clubs really use these headsets? I'm surprised with the motorcycle if they do this in motorcycle clubs. Seems dangerous.

KarmanMonkey
05-05-16, 09:15 AM
Interesting. Do people in cycling clubs really use these headsets? I'm surprised with the motorcycle if they do this in motorcycle clubs. Seems dangerous.

It's hands free tech, and it's safer than actually trying to flag someone down. Wearing that headset was no more distracting than talking to someone next to me.

As for whether people in cycling clubs actually use these, I couldn't tell you; I just know that I'd want that social interaction and motivation from my peers.

Lloyd_
05-07-16, 08:14 PM
We tend to blame ourselves for everything when the truth it is not 100% entirely your fault why you might not have any friends.

The truth is our society has turned a turn for the worst, you seem like the type who appreciates the fine arts and things people in once cultured societies cared about.

People have become so shallow and only care about getting drunk and engaging in mindless conversations, so this could be the big reason why you have no friends?

I cannot relate with most people, I've always been the outsider and one to never be accepted by others. Used to blame myself and really did hate myself for it.

Try to socialize more with people online if you need somebody to talk to, more interesting people on the web than in real life anyway. :lol:

Twiggy
05-07-16, 08:31 PM
I am a recluse at times and have Social Anxiety when it comes to people.
It's pretty uncomfortable.

JayOrmaru
05-09-16, 11:42 PM
Does anybody out there also have no friends and find themselves being very lonely?

How have you coped or managed to turn this around?

I was looking to join a club but my concentration span is so bad I would be unable to concentrate and take part in being a team member of a basketball club which is keeping me quite lonely.

I find I am unable to go to my work events as well due to not being able to remember whats on the menu and have difficulty ordering due to my mind not really functioning.
Hi saqua07,

Loneliness is something that I deal with as well. After a while it becomes comfortable to be in isolation so part of the effort comes from pushing out of this comfort zone.

With ADD i find that writing down things about myself is easier than thinking it all over. I take notes about my interests and think about where I could meet these kind of people.

And remember, loneliness can make us doubt that we are special or feel as if we lack any good qualities. Don't let the isolation stop you from loving with yourself! This is important and keeps us going back out there.

I'm also looking for people to get to know, so feel free to message with me!

SJB928
05-12-16, 05:32 PM
One of the things I hate about the loneliness is sitting on my balcony watching all the happy people and happy couples walking past my place to the popular waterfront bar and restaurant that's about 150 yards away.

I then go back inside to my cat and put on a DVD containing gratuitous violence to feel better.