Someone once told me when I was a kid that when I forgot something it was usually because I was thinking about myself. That always stuck in my mind and I would castigate myself constantly for being forgetful (and accordingly self absorbed).

I was introduced to someone last night and within a few seconds had forgotten their name. Pretty much par for the course for me. Faces I can do - names I can't.

Well, long story short I was going through my castigation routine and began to wonder why I keep slipping up - particularly since I know that the ability to hyperfocus is available to me.

I know this is going to sound like simplified version of Chain's theory but this is how it's been for me for years.

To be focused I feel like I have to have my entire being face forward. Really, I mean that I HAVE to feel as though my persona is firing about an inch in front of my face for me to feel focused.
If I'm sitting around with my "being"inside my head I don't see the world - I really do live inside my cranium. I need a visual to lock onto and make sure that no other thoughts are jockeying for position. The only way to do that for me at least is to be totally visual - and drive my persona through my face and eyes. When I do that I can see see virtually anything and remember it.


Usually, when I'm introduced to a new person, the first things that go through my head is stuff like "is my zipper up?" or I try read the person that I'm being introduced. ...Not really the best time to absorb a name.

So from now on before I walk into a party or a social gathering I am going to clear my mind, be "face forward" and not let other thoughts get on board. I'll have time to check my zipper and time to apologize later if it's down. And while first impressions count, I am going to try to not have any until I ask the person a question - predicated by their name. I'll let you know if it works.

I wish I could explain this better but I'm totally short on words and frankly exhausted as it has been a remarkably stressful few weeks.

best,
mb

I'm the same way myself-when introduced to someone, or talking to someone who is trying to talk to me, I tend to zone out and focus on things that I shouldn't even be thinking or worrying about-like "wonder if my hair is sticking up?" or "wow-look at how white their teeth are!". Then when they ask me something about what they were talking about, I have to just fake it and pretend I know what they are saying. There has got to be some way to zone out these other thoughts that keep popping in our heads, I just don't know how. :(

Hi motorbrain,

Yeesh! To tell a kid that they can't remember things because they're self-absorbed is a pretty harsh judgment call. I don't mean to get all armchair-therapist on ya, but I hope you can maybe stop putting yourself thru the 'castigation routine' set off by someone's heartless remark from so many years ago.

Sure, it's important to try to remember peoples' names, but the inability to do so doesn't seem limited to us, the ADD crowd. It seems like most folks, even the normal (baw haw haw!) ones, feel nervous/self-conscious etc., and simply can't remember peoples' names when they're introduced.

That reminds me of a friend who, when I was late once (ok, it probably wasn't the first time!) gently reminded me that when you're late to a meeting with someone, you're implying that your time is more important than the time of the person you're making wait for you.

Yes, yes, there's the self-absorption angle there, and we must work on this. BUT! these kinds of 'ahh, well, you're self-absorbed' assessments judge the entire person without leaving room for other reasons--that person's inability to concentrate on the task at hand, or accurately measure how long tasks are going to take.

One of our member's sign-offs (sorry I can't remember--damn! that pesky self-absorption again!:rolleyes: ) says that ADD/ADHD is not an excuse, and I agree 100%! To refuse to take responsibility for our forgetfulness/lateness/odd behaviors is a cop-out.

BUT! It is an explanation, to ourselves if to no one else. Please don't beat yerself up over something that 1) everyone has trouble with, and 2) is perhaps more difficult for ADD folks.

People can't remember names because it's brand-new information, with no context, nothing to attach the information to. Unless the person has very prominent lips, and their name is, I dunno, Mick Jagger or Steven Tyler or something, there's just nothing to pin the information to for future reference.

When I forget someone's name after being introduced, I try to go find them later (while I at least still remember the face!), and apologize, re-introduce myself, and ask again for their name. One-on-one is easier than in a crowd.

One thing I try to do is make a game of it. I will give myself the challenge of trying to remember as many names as possible and take small breaks to scan the room and recite the names in my head. I find that if I make it "fun" and "compitive for myself - okay I remember 5, let's see if I can't get to 6" I do better at focusing.

The other thing I have noticed is that if I go up to someone and say that I'm sorry but I don't remember their name, that very often they don't remember mine either which tells me that I'm not any more odd than most people.

Kim

herekittykitty,
Thanks, I needed a good talkin' to! :)
No, really. I do tend to flay myself because I drive myself pretty hard. On issues I can't control - I tend not to worry about them. On things that I think I should be able to control - but can't - is where I kick my own butt.

I did have a chance to try out my theory today. I went to a ballgame and met a bunch of guys through a mutual friend. By the end of the evening I knew 4 new names. Not bad for me. Had I not thought "Hey! This zany idea might just pan out" and screwed my concentration halfway through introductions - it would have gone much better. LOL!

Baby steps I guess.

I'll try that one on one thing.

My only concern is that I do look a little scary (people tend to cross the street to get around me). I just hope I don't frighten anyone by singling them out... it's happened before and that just breaks my wee heart. Oh well, maybe that's their problem and I should stop worrying about that as well. Or try smiling more...

best,
mb

Kim,
Never thought of it from a games aspect. I'll have to try that as well.

It would be kind of fun!

Thanks,
MB

Hi Motorbrain and Kittkitty :)

If you think you are preoccupied worrying over a zipper try worrying over your skirt tucked into the top of your panty hose.

There ain't no name in the world, big lips or not that can make a lasting impression after that has happened to you.

Why try to apologize that one away.... just yank and run from the room as you listen to all those "nameless faces" chuckle.

I do a little better with names than I do numbers, but there is nothing like skirting around the pickle aisle and then back up through the produce section trying to buy time while you fret over your son's coach's name. We all have the avoidance dance we use as we stall for the "ding". Usually the "ding" happens later when it is no longer useful ...an hour, 5 days.. next season.


I've learned to lighten up on myself. Selfish is an ugly word. You are just being centered within yourself. Sounds a whole lot better. Does it mean the same thing? Only if you are taking away something that belongs to another or refusing to share what you have.

If you capture a likeness of the person you are introduced to and the smiling face.... then is the name that important?
Hello friend! I would like to introduce you to my friend.

They know their own names. Introductions are made and then it is their problem to do the remembering.

What is amusing though is ...now that I've met some people on this forum, their name is my only reference. There is no smiling face to see.......... so I remember your name and it starts with a B.

Weird, huh?

~gourmet~

hi motorbrain,

I hear ya on the fear factor. I live in Japan, and while most people are very kind, some people here still freeze up, that deer-caught-in-the-headlights look of panic on their face, if they're approached by a foreigner. Sometimes people will stand rather than sit next to me on a train, or if I go out with a group of people, they'll practically draw straws to see who has to sit next to me.

Also, I have a lazy eye, and often when I'm introduced to or say hello to someone, they're really abrupt and kind of brush me off. I was baffled by this for a long time, until I realized that often it seems to them that I'm looking over their shoulder rather than at them.

So now I kinda go the extra mile, touching their arm or just continuing to talk to them, so they realize that I am looking at them (as best I can!).

So yeah, smiling more, not taking it too personally, and just reaching out a bit more should help. But dam.n, with all this extra effort to look all friendly and approachable, it's no wonder we can't remember everyone's names!

kitty