View Full Version : Large mental voids

04-27-16, 06:28 AM
This is one of the remaining, fading scars from the past. I spend time with someone, anyone, friends or family, loved one or host, and after a while I want to keep getting along and my mind goes blank. As of this moment I become very uncomfortable and anxiety kicks in. I feel whatever I say is from now on to ensure there is no awkward silence but I lose all my confidence and try to make up for it. But as of then I notice, obviously, whatever I say isn't natural anymore, and I suppose people sense this total self doubt that clouds me.

I've lived this on multiple recurring moments and it near-destroyed friendships. In earlier stages in life they were devastating, now a bit less and it seems to gradually fade because I'm fighting against it by changing everything I can.

I really really need help with this.

04-27-16, 07:21 AM
I wonder if it's because unpleasant things/traumas from the past are being triggered and overloading the senses in the moment?

Directing all of our energies into trying to fight it or eliminate awkwardness only seems to make it more awkward, from my experiences. That's where the deep breathing techniques I've learned saves the day in most cases I've experienced, thus far, by helping me better ground myself so I can act upon it more healthily.

When I feel like that, I can usually steer things back to a more genuine (for me) direction, but not totally opening up and sharing too much detail, by just being honest.

For example, stating that my brain is currently experiencing a twighlight zone moment and may or may not get back into the flow, or that I have absolutely no working memory and I'll grab pen and paper to take notes, or say to please forgive my brain's inability to retain their name, take direction, or whatever the issue is in the moment.

That's so much easier for me to do than to try to act my way out of it by being something I'm not, or trying to pretend I'm okay in the moment when I'm not. That's way too much of an energy drain for my brain because then I have to keep up with all the facades. Homey can't hang with that.

I try to kindly and gently keep it real while not kicking my own a** for it at the same time. I still fail miserably at times. And people......well........they will always be people, and some are simply not kind or compassionate, nor wish to be.

No matter how well we become through our ongoing pursuits of wellness, or how well we can explain or perform things, there will forever be those who wish to disagree and/or degrade our experiences based on their own triggers.