View Full Version : what can I do?


excel7210
04-27-16, 06:53 PM
Greetings to everyone here! I have been reading through the forum and it looks quite good to look for information.
I have been having issues with my partner who has adhs, and I have alot of trouble trying to figure out what is going on. Just to name a few:
1. My partner insults,shouts at me all the time,even in public.
2.I can not know how she will behave the next minute or second. she is very unpredictable.
3. when it comes to a quarrel,she looses control and says horrible things. she easily gets angry over little things and says all sorts of bad words to me,but after that she is fine,but i remain sad for some hours or days.
4. she is constantly giving me assignments or errands to do and this takes away my energy. she is my wife but i feel like i am her house-boy or slave.
5. she works alot and i feel i am alone.
6. Intimacy very little or nothing. She hardly hugs me and when i want she does not want it but says she loves me. i think she has a problem with touching. i feel lonely and abandoned.
6. She sees things black and white. Either someone is too bad or too good.
I talk very little because i feel she behaves like a teacher eat time we have a conversation and would say words that hurt me. She is not on any treatment. We do not have any secrets because when she is angry she says anything to other people to disgrace me. I feel that i am married to the public.
What can I do in case?

aeon
04-27-16, 08:02 PM
It sounds like she has some unaddressed issues other than ADHD.

As for what you can do, all I can offer is this...take care of yourself as best as you are able.


Well-Wishes,
Ian

acdc01
04-27-16, 10:14 PM
I agree with aeon. It sounds like more issues than ADHD. Issues I don't think anyone here can help with.

You seem like a very clear communicator and I assume you've already told her your concerns. If so and she still continues to treat you the way she does, perhaps you need to think about what is best for you and then take action.

excel7210
04-28-16, 12:01 AM
Thanks alot acdc01 and aeon! you are right it seems to be more than adhs.I have been trying to picture out what to do the whole time and praying but the problems are still there!
I am sorry i had to say these things. As a matter of fact I am someone who thinks about the consequences before i say anything and would not want to hurt anybody with what i say. This is just the opposite of my wife. She says anything and does not care if it hurts me,example she would insult me and my everyone in my family one after the other. But will be boasting about her own family forgetting to know that she told me things that about some members that no one should be proud about. So i do not say anything in her presence anymore which one would normally say the spouse because of fear she would use it against me. At the same time she is highly sensitive to critique. Anything against her,and she boils up at the speed of light and immediatley attacks.As a result i can not correct her. Outside the house people have said she is rude.
I can not rest- at one moment she is happy and pulls me up with her,and the next minute she finds some that is not right,complains or shout at me about it and so drags me down! She is just moving my feelings in a zig zag manner. What has happened to me? Actually some tears are dropping
I feel i have to treat her like eggs, for fear she boils up and attacks.

sarahsweets
04-28-16, 04:00 AM
She sounds very emotionally abusive.

Pilgrim
04-28-16, 08:01 AM
I will not name the particular female that I am describing but a lot of the stuff you mention reminds me of this person.
Sort of I hate you but don't leave me.
Border line Personality and very controlling.
Showing a lot of love can help these people but it's something they have to express.
Knowledge of thy self and a lot of self introspection.
The person I'm thinking of has none of this but they crave attention.
They probably mellow with age but the taming of the shrew is exhausting.

excel7210
04-28-16, 12:06 PM
I will not name the particular female that I am describing but a lot of the stuff you mention reminds me of this person.
Sort of I hate you but don't leave me.
Border line Personality and very controlling.
Showing a lot of love can help these people but it's something they have to express.
Knowledge of thy self and a lot of self introspection.
The person I'm thinking of has none of this but they crave attention.
They probably mellow with age but the taming of the shrew is exhausting.

hello Pilgrim,
Thanks for the insight! You just said what i have been feeling!
She is very controlling. If a woman makes any good comment about me she will not like it. She will then tell that woman that i am a bad person or something similar so that the woman should not be interested at me! she does not want me to friends especially women,though there is no reason for that. On the other hand she has and demands alot of freedom,even more that single people! most of her friends are men,and I think she has less success with women because women will not take her anger outbursts,boasting etc.,
She is always craving for attention,and boasting about her achievements in life. She tells me time and again, mantra-like, of how good she is and i am not. And that i will never find a woman as good as her,eventhough i did not say i am looking for a woman. How did i get myself here
As a matter of fact every situation for her is a test or examination with everyone,especially me,an examination or test she muss win and the other person fails!! SHE ALWAYS WANT TO PROVE SOMETHING!!

Little Missy
04-28-16, 12:08 PM
It is time to move on. Unless you want to live that way the rest of your life.

excel7210
04-28-16, 12:54 PM
It is time to move on. Unless you want to live that way the rest of your life.

Thanks greatly Little Missy!
Is my situation that so hopeless,without end if i stay? What should happen so that i stay?

Little Missy
04-28-16, 01:17 PM
Thanks greatly Little Missy!
Is my situation that so hopeless,without end if i stay? What should happen so that i stay?

Just go back and re-read everything you wrote. Then make a list of pros and cons. If the cons outweigh the pros there is the answer.

Personally, NO ONE has ever done to me what you wrote about, and I would never let ANYONE do or speak to me that way.

But that is for you to figure out. If you like being treated that way then stick around. It will get worse.

Socaljaxs
04-28-16, 03:05 PM
Has she always been this way? Or has this been a change in behavior over time? Sounds to,me she needs professional help battling whatever demons she is dealing with inside herself.

Her insecurities she sounds like she is devaluing you to make you feel as if you aren't worthy of anyone better. Reality is she probably knows you are worthy of better and more than she is able to offer you.

Let me ask you an honest question. Why haven't you left? Do you feel like this is the best you deserve? Also if this is behavior has worsen overtime did something change in her life that spiraled this emotional abuse to the degree it is now.. It is emotional abuse. The. Devaluing she claims in you is a type of manipulation to make someone feel unworthy and stay for fear of not being worthy of better

excel7210
04-28-16, 04:35 PM
Has she always been this way? Or has this been a change in behavior over time? Sounds to,me she needs professional help battling whatever demons she is dealing with inside herself.

Her insecurities she sounds like she is devaluing you to make you feel as if you aren't worthy of anyone better. Reality is she probably knows you are worthy of better and more than she is able to offer you.

Let me ask you an honest question. Why haven't you left? Do you feel like this is the best you deserve? Also if this is behavior has worsen overtime did something change in her life that spiraled this emotional abuse to the degree it is now.. It is emotional abuse. The. Devaluing she claims in you is a type of manipulation to make someone feel unworthy and stay for fear of not being worthy of better
Hi Socaljaxs,
Thanks alot for the analysis! You know the baby-bird that shouts the most get fed and others perish. She shouts loutest. In fact she wants me to feel worthless and then stay. She would tell me several times the marriage is over and that we will go sign the papers,and I will agree but the next day she will behave as if she said nothing,and will even show little signs of regret but sorry is not a word in her vocabulary.
She had been like this all her life but I did not know because we dated just for very short time before marriage.
The house girl left after she constantly dished insults and shouting at her. I heard her told the house girl she had been harsh to people all her life and that she will try to change but needs time.
I am still around because we have a child and not the right time to leave. Sometimes I think I have not done enough to change the situation. When I complain she says I am behaving like a woman and that I should be a man,meaning accepting this treatment from her. Her heart is only on her job as she hyperfocuses on that and I feel I am just a means to helping her achieve more of that?

Delphine
04-28-16, 07:53 PM
:grouphug:1. My partner insults,shouts at me all the time,even in public.
Nobody should every have to put up with that kind of behaviour from any person, even if you are married. (Or maybe especially if you are married.
2.I can not know how she will behave the next minute or second. she is very unpredictable.
Recipe for major anxiety for you!!!
3. when it comes to a quarrel,she looses control and says horrible things. she easily gets angry over little things and says all sorts of bad words to me,but after that she is fine,but i remain sad for some hours or days.
Maturity is knowing how to argue while maintaining respect. You are not being respected. What does that tell you?
Big clue is how you feel when your partner interacts with you! (ie... you should feel loved and respected, even when in discord.)
4. she is constantly giving me assignments or errands to do and this takes away my energy. she is my wife but i feel like i am her house-boy or slave.
A partner is supposed to enhance your life. Not diminish it in any way!!!
5. she works alot and i feel i am alone.
This is an area for discussion, and hopefully coming to a place where both of your needs are met.
6. Intimacy very little or nothing. She hardly hugs me and when i want she does not want it but says she loves me. i think she has a problem with touching. i feel lonely and abandoned.
This is unsustainable. You need love and affection. Words are one thing, loving experience is another. Words do not fulfil the need for affection. This needs to be sorted out. (Might take a bit of professional therapy?)
6. She sees things black and white. Either someone is too bad or too good.
That's a personality trait in some people. Try not to join her in her black/white world; maintain your own judgement even if it differs from hers.
I talk very little because i feel she behaves like a teacher eat time we have a conversation and would say words that hurt me.
You have every right to express yourself and should not be slow to do so. I would also look at what it is within you that gives her the right to play 'teacher!' YOU are entitled to your own opinions, and would be well advised to take that baton back from her!!!

She is not on any treatment. We do not have any secrets because when she is angry she says anything to other people to disgrace me.

Treatment is probably something she will have to decide on for herself. THAT SAID...it is outrageous that you should feel disgraced by your beloved one!!! You are entitled to your dignity and esteem..... I would advise you to get help for yourself before addressing these problems with her. YOU are worthwhile and worthy of your own dignity. NEVER let anyone rob you of that.... not matter how much you love her!!

I feel that i am married to the public.
Awful for you! No-one should ever feel so exposed. That's just WRONG.

What can I do in case?
You can take some private time to restore your own dignity and self-esteem. Enlist a professional if necessary. Part of this is about YOU and how much you decide to value yourself.. She need never know that you sought professional help for one hour per week. It's like going to the gym! You need to restore YOU, and not allow yourself to be further diminished! Work those self-esteem muscles until you remember who you were before you met her.

Never let another person erode you. You are still the fine person you were the day you were born. You just need to practice remembering that, and then someday you will meet her from YOU.... the restored you....and you will hopefully regain who you are.:grouphug:

sarahsweets
04-28-16, 08:21 PM
Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

excel7210
04-29-16, 06:10 AM
hello Delphine,
thanks alot for the advice. I really have to think and see what is going on here and see if there is hope for a change or not.

seemingly
04-30-16, 03:10 PM
You need to get out! (i don't even understand what ADD or whatever other disorders have to do with the question). She is treating you HORRIBLY!
What is that so fabulous that would want you to continue to live like this? There is really no other way around (and you shouldn't be coming up with bogus reasons not to quit this relationship, like you have health insurance through her, or you have kids, or anything else).

seemingly
04-30-16, 03:13 PM
I think you misunderstood. Your spouse won't change. YOU have to.

excel7210
05-01-16, 06:27 PM
I think you misunderstood. Your spouse won't change. YOU have to.

hello seemingly,thank you for the insight!
what makes you think her behavior will not change?
I am still around because I think I have not done enough to change the situation. I have not been assertive in the relationship! And for this my partner filled every power vacuum that came up!
I am not an angel,have my own shortcomings.Maybe i am the cause of why she treats me this way??

Socaljaxs
05-01-16, 08:46 PM
In fact she wants me to feel worthless and then stay. She would tell me several times the marriage is over and that we will go sign the papers,and I will agree but the next day she will behave as if she said nothing,and will even show little signs of regret but sorry is not a word in her vocabulary. well to be blunt, she is achieving her goal. You are staying regardless of how she treats and continues to treat you. You take blame that isn't rightfully yours and you feel like you haven't done enough.. So yes she is getting exactly what she setting out to do.. That won't change until you have had enough. Sadly, I always tell people no one can tell you to leave ]. You have to be ready to be done and until a person is done with a relationship they aren't done.. Sadly, it usually is the smallest act/misstep or something that is very small that causes the scale to tip.

Admitting you're wrong and saying Sorry is very difficult for some. Owning mistakes is not something that a person can do easily. If you love someone and truly want to be with someone,a persons ego has to go away and become second. For her the ego is more important.

I am still around because we have a child and not the right time to leave. to be blunt again, there is never going to be a right time. Really think about this, I have been in that mindset before. Bad timing after the holidays will be better, or we have a weeding in 8 weeks so timing isn't good. Ext. we have a trash to take out every Tuesday so ounces that stops then it will be s better time... It's an excuse to stay. Reality is you have to be ready and commit to yourself. It will Only be a good time, when you choose yours and your child's worth over the abuse. There will always be a reason for it to be a bad time until you no longer can stay. Like I said before you aren't done until you're done until then there will always be bad timing and something causing you stil stay.

How old is your child? Also how does your wife treat the child? How often is she disrespecting you, mistreating you yelling at you and degrading you in front of your child? Is this relationship the example you want your child to know of what marriage/relationships are like? It seems like it may be healthier for the child and many people stay in a marriage for their children, but the child from what I've witness suffers more so for them being the reason mommy and daddy stay together. If you can't put you in front of this, make sure your child's best interest and health, happiness and positive guidance and love is number 1 at all times.

Sometimes I think I have not done enough to change the situation. When I complain she says I am behaving like a woman and that I should be a man,meaning accepting this treatment from her. Her heart is only on her job as she hyperfocuses on that and I feel I am just a means to helping her achieve more of that? you can't change her, don't try too she has to want to change for herself. Or want to change her behavior for the family. All you can do is find your self worth and help you. Emotional abuse is a doozy, and those degrading comments and feelings and loss of value take a toll on a person. It's s horrible cycle. One that only will stop when you choose to make it stop. If you haven't sought therapy or even a support group, I would highly recommend doing so. Not only could this help you but also your child as well by you gaining back yourself.


hello seemingly,thank you for the insight!
what makes you think her behavior will not change?
I am still around because I think I have not done enough to change the situation. I have not been assertive in the relationship! And for this my partner filled every power vacuum that came up!
I am not an angel,have my own shortcomings.Maybe i am the cause of why she treats me this way?? nope sorry but this isn't about you this is about her issues. Do not blame yourself. She won't change because she hasn't found a reason too..
We all,have shortcomings. No one is perfect everyone has something wrong with them.. So really stop blaming you because she bullies you... you don't blame or mistreat the ones you love like this or degrade a person because of their shortcomings she is blaming you and focusing on that.. It's a cycle. Look into emotional abuse.... Seriously look into it and you will see how much of it really is abuse..

seemingly
05-01-16, 09:44 PM
hello seemingly,thank you for the insight!
what makes you think her behavior will not change?
I am still around because I think I have not done enough to change the situation. I have not been assertive in the relationship! And for this my partner filled every power vacuum that came up!
I am not an angel,have my own shortcomings.Maybe i am the cause of why she treats me this way??

She may change - or not. Judging by her behavior up to this point, she is at least very reluctant to change (if this idea even entered her mind).
You strike me as a little masochistic - "may be she treats me like this because I am bad"? You relish in describing all the awful ways in which she treats you?

Listen, you asked for advice. What you described above in your initial messages is unacceptable behavior to *me*. Esp. when this is a pattern that spans months. I know how hard it is to quit anything, esp. a relationship, but just like with alcohol and cutting - staying with the old paradigm is comfortable in a sense, but destructive in the long term.

Out of curiosity, why did you post the question? What kind of answers were you expecting?

Fuzzy12
05-01-16, 09:55 PM
hello seemingly,thank you for the insight!
what makes you think her behavior will not change?
I am still around because I think I have not done enough to change the situation. I have not been assertive in the relationship! And for this my partner filled every power vacuum that came up!
I am not an angel,have my own shortcomings.Maybe i am the cause of why she treats me this way??

There might be reasons why she treats you this way but you can never cause anyone to treat you badly and no one ever deserves to be treated badly.

Even if she was nicer to you if you were more assertive do you really want to be with someone who so easily takes the opportunity to treat someone badly? Do you want to be in a relationship where you have to fight to be treated reasonably well?

sarahsweets
05-02-16, 04:33 AM
If she wanted to change, thought she should change or care if she did, she would have done it already.

Bouncingoffwall
05-02-16, 04:04 PM
Whether she has ADHD or not, abusive behavior is never excusable.

You can only change yourself. You are not a victim if you take action to protect yourself. Life is short, and it's not worth staying a terrible marriage/relationship which robs you of all joy. It may have started good, but it sounds like it is beyond repair.

She has no interest in change because it sounds like she seized all the power in the relationship. You when you accept the abuse, it communicates to her that you can be abused. She is not afraid of losing you, because she thinks she can get away with anything. Meanwhile, you are left begging for scraps of her attention and affection, which she uses as a weapon against you. When you are on top and in control, why would you want to change that arrangement?

A relationship takes 100% effort from both partners, not just one. You BOTH have to be on board about changing the status quo. Things will not get better for you if you are putting in all the effort.

excel7210
05-02-16, 08:49 PM
Much thanks Socaljaxs,seemingly,Fuzzy12,sarahsweets and Bouncingoffwall for your analysis of the situation!
You are great people!
Now to my problem,I,m still looking for the answer. Things have not changed since then...
What does it mean to live with a partner who knows everything and has an answer for everything or question?