View Full Version : Are you the person who defends others and wishes sometimes others would defend you?


sarahsweets
04-30-16, 04:25 AM
I tend to be the person who says what needs to be said in a direct way, regardless of whether its the 'popular' thing to say, or when most other people are afraid to say it. I have been told numerous times that this 'standing up for the other guy' sort of thing is admirable. I am not always right about it. I guess you could call it being blunt, to the point, direct, uncouth, or something like that. Maybe its some snotty way of combating an 'injustice' or at least what I feel is unjust.

I know I get this way when it comes to the sections here about kids or spouses with adhd. I also try and share my experiences even if they are against the grain with the underlying intent to help people the best way I can. I know I can sometimes get preachy when it comes to addiction and recovery and I really try to reign it in to the best of my ability.
I know that sometimes I can feel resentful that more people dont do this for me. It could also be my perception and not the way things actually are.

Its happened here a few times.
Most recently someone shot down everything I had to say under the guise of it being and "uneducated" opinion based on urban legend. I dont know why this is sticking in my side so much but I really wish someone had said something in my defense. And its not like in reality there was a whole lot of defending that needed to be happening anyhow, these are just silly baby thoughts.
Do you think that if someone (speaking of myself) appears confident or strong, or opinionated, that they do not need this type of support? Do you think it scares people away one way or another?


I see people on here who get so much support for things that I wouldnt need in my life. In fact, If Im being b*tchy I would think that what they need support for is stupid- not that I really feel that way mind you, this is when Im in a foul mood.
Yet when certain things in my life happen that seem glaringly obvious that I would need a helping hand, sometimes I feel like Im alone, or some kind of sole crusader.

Does anyone else feel that way? This is not to say that I make it my business to wrap myself up in other people's business in some co-dependent way, its just that I think a lot of people need that kind of a person to stand by them.

Maybe I am doing that dumb thing again which is having expectations. I should know well enough by now that having expectations means you will always be disappointed. I am sure in a lot of cases here, things get reported to mods, and then posts disappear but its still bothers me sometimes.

I am making no sense right now and probably sound like a bitter woman, but Im not.
I am overwhelmingly happy to help anyone, and defend anyone if I believe its the right thing to do.

This has gotten me into my share of tough spots over the years. And if Im under medicated, un medicated or having a bad adhd day then this kind of thing can definitely seem aggressive which is not how I want to be seen.
And I can acknowledge when Im off base or wrong, and that my mouth is the trouble spot 75% of the time.

I think I am talking in circles here. If it doesnt apply, let it fly.
XXXOOO

midnightstar
04-30-16, 04:54 AM
I do my best to defend others but I tend not to come across agressively but when I get my teeth into something I don't let go :o

(excuse any typos ebony wants to say hi)

BellaVita
04-30-16, 05:31 AM
Most of my life I wished others would defend me.

It was horrible being the one who was abused, bullied, hurt - yet no one took my side. In fact the abuse was justified by other people in the family.

Now, I have got people that have my back. Holy crap does it feel good.

I have a strong sense of injustice and will stand up to it.

To the point that I will keep driving the issue. If I feel strongly about something, I feel I have to say something. I won't let what happened to me happen to someone else if I can help it. If my voice can be heard, to help others and defend them, even if like you said it's not a popular opinion - then I will keep defending until I run out of energy.

I'm sorry that stuff happened to you, I hope this place can gather together and better support and defend and listen in the ways that you need. :grouphug:

Fuzzy12
04-30-16, 06:41 AM
I do tend to stick up for people that I feel others are picking on or attacking, I think. IRL my acquaintances often accuse me of ALWAYS taking someone else's side but I don't think that I do that as a rule, only when someone is being nasty about or intolerant of that othwr person. I don't tend to defend someone's ideas just out of loyalty if I don't agree with them though sometimes I feel guilty about that. Maybe i should.

By default i tend to side with people i perceive to be the underdog in some way. Often I don't even agree with the person I'm defending but I don't like bullying and I don't like people attacking or worse, ganging up on someone that appears to be less popular, less confident, less loud or weaker in some way. Or maybe just different. I very rarely stand up for someone with strong opinions though (especially when these opinions are shared by others) maybe because I'm naturally suspicious of strong opinions. I think I rather find myself defending others from strong opinions.

Regarding the second part, to be honest on addf at least I've never really felt personally attacked. At least not in the public threads so there was a never a need for me to wish that someone would take my side. On the contrary, I've shared a lot of crap and nasty things about myself and I've often wondered how people might respond but most of the time I've only been given support and understanding. I don't know. The one time someone publicly stood up for me when they thought that people who were supposed to be my friends were attacking me they were told not to because apparently I've got borderline personality disorder. That was really annoying and at the time it was quite hurtful but mostly I've only had good experiences here and haven't felt the need to be defended or anything.

In real life, yes of course it's nice to be supported and defended except when it comes to my parents who in the name of defending me attack each other. That annoys the hell out of me. I hate it when anyone in my family tries to side with me. Among my acquaintances people rarely agree with me and mostly that's fine with me except that I find some of their opinions genuinely shocking (and maybe they mine?)))

I do think you are strong sarah but I also think that you are sensitive and vulnerable. To be honest in the past i don't think I've ever really felt as if you needed my support but maybe I am biased because you are a well established and well respected member around here. I'm really sorry if you don't feel supported or like people aren't sticking up for you.

acdc01
04-30-16, 08:40 AM
I've been on both sides defending and being defended.

I was really small when young and someone verbally picked on me once. But my tough friend stepped in and threatened them physically lol. She had a reputation so no one bothered me after that. To this day I am touched by her actions so I definitely think you should continue to stand up for people. As an adult though, I recommend when you stand up for them, don't do so with anger in your voice but in a firm but persuasive way.

I also remember one time when my team ostracized a girl because she had flaming red hair styled in a gigantic afro. We were a running team and everyone would run together and keep her out forcing her to run alone. I felt bad for her so decided to run with her instead of with the others. The girl ended up quitting the team and then my team ended up ostracizing me for a week or month (can't remember which) cause I ran with that girl who quit. Even my best friend who was also on the team - and yes it felt terrible. It sometimes doesn't pay to stand up for people but if it helps even one person, then it's worth it. And even if most people don't stand up for people, there are still some out there that do (even if you haven't met them yet).

Little Nut
04-30-16, 09:05 AM
SS, You hit on one of my glaring blind spots, seeing the need for emotional support. Being who/what I am, I strive to build my opinions/actions on a sound bedrock of rational evaluations. When someone is struggling in these areas, I am usually very aware they are struggling and will gladly pitch-in and support them directly/indirectly. OTOH I have no "intuition" when someone needs emotional support.

I read the thread you were referring to. Whenever I "see" characterizations, specifically Nazis, stupidity, ignorance, Republicans, Democrats . . . being used to resolve a conflict/disagreement I disengage, at least mentally. It is because that individual is incapable of or has run out of rational support for their point of view and therefore a waste of my time to continue/interject. TBH having read your postings over that last few weeks and that particular thread I had no doubt that you could/would easily address without support. Pls excuse me.

Regards,

LN

Little Missy
04-30-16, 09:25 AM
Sometimes I miss things on here, and sometimes I don't want to defend or support or even argue against something simply because I go overboard and just can not handle any criticism that may come my way afterward. You'd think I could handle it better by now but I am not able to. I'm opinionated and far too passionate on way too many levels. Sometimes I want to defend but my mind goes blank at the keyboard.Then I leave and I go about errands and such writing speeches in my mind only to race home to type and by then I'm blank again, or a different topic comes up. Sometimes I am just too lazy to look up what I'm itching to respond to. And it only involves pushing a button!

Hey, I admire your forthright, unabashed honesty in anything you write on here.

Unmanagable
04-30-16, 09:59 AM
I've seen and felt every possible angle in every environment, as well. Most especially since I'm labeled as an "alternative" type of healer in regards to what I choose to treat myself with and what I share of my experiences.

Sometimes it hurts worse than I ever imagined it could. Other times it entertains me. Other times, it simply fuels my inner fires to learn and creates more opportunities for me to learn even more beneficial ways to calm my own inner critic by simply observing the depths of the pain and uncertainty within the social graces of others.

Seeing how others choose to lash out at themselves, or what they don't agree with, or yet fully understand, while steadily maintaining a death grip on beliefs and ritualistic patterns makes for fertile learning grounds.

Others in my immediate environment also seem to be very uncomfortable when I'm uncomfortable because I'm usually the strong more outspoken one taking on whatever needs to be done in the moment to try to bring peace to the space.

I've learned the only successful way to get my mind out of those bothersome and hurtful thought loops is by learning to avoid what can easily become bait for my emotions.

If I don't manage to do that with any luck, then I begin tracing and finding each root of the unpleasant emotions. Then accept it for what it is. Then release it in the healthiest way I know how in the moment. Otherwise, I get hung up in the 'what-ifness' mind zone, badly.

Others tend to be all in or all gone with whatever I choose to discuss or share. But that is simply my perception. There are brief and rare moments I feel fully supported, but honestly, I feel more and more alien each day, every where.

I never realized finding my own health would be so incredibly alienating, especially after experiencing how alienating being unwell can be, also. It's like a catch22. Who knew? That's a whole emotional roller coaster within itself that I never expected.

Feeling heard and innerstood is a rare and precious feeling that I value and never forget when it actually takes place. I think I finally value it enough to know how truly inaccessible it is, especially in the big picture. I rely more on reading energies than I do words.

I can now more confidently enter whatever scene I embark upon knowing it's very likely I'll be a very odd and lone ranger to most. And I'm finally okay with that. Arriving as someone other than self to hopefully ensure a more 'acceptable to my senses' response isn't a doable option in my world. Been there, tried that, and dropped each and every facade on my toes. Ouch.

There's a few in my immediate physical realm that I feel would have my back if circumstances truly called for it, and while I feel a deep connection with some online folks, I try not to let myself expect anything, so I'm not as often let down.

However, human nature f**** that all up sometimes. I've also learned there are complete strangers in this world who don't know me at all who would have my back just because of who they are as a human.

I feel we're truly all alone (all-one=alone in my brain) in this thing called life, no matter how many physically or virtually surround us and promise to have our backs. I've been let down too many times to ever again be comfortable with those kinds of promises.

Teaching self to get better at having my own back is the greatest lesson I ever got propelled into learning, f'n painfully and repeatedly, and I'm still working daily on trying to better innerstand where all my s*** originates to thin out the roots and control the overgrowth.

The feeling of self-empowerment that comes from even the slightest bit of inner forward progress of achieving self-love, after years of having it physically and mentally beat down, feels so much more rewarding to me than any external connections of understanding can bring about. Perhaps only because I've been starving for that particular flavor of nourishment for so long.

Roundmouth
04-30-16, 02:31 PM
Answer to the question in the headline, 'Are you the person who defends others and wishes sometimes others would defend you?': Yes.

I've been there so many times, felt that I'm under attack. That the more people attack me, the more indication that they are right, the more reason for others to join in - and the less reason for anyone to go against. I can't handle being in that position, I can't defend my self and I rarely get help from others. I just pretend to be untouched and focus on my practical performance until there's a chance of escaping and starting from scratch somewhere else. I can't stand seeing others being treated that way though. From an outsider's view, the injustice is easier to detect. Besides nobody can blame me for only trying to excuse my own worthlessness.

The more it happens to me, the more I feel the need to break in when it happens to others (my mother would probably kill me if she knew). I really, really, really wish that one day this will result in someone standing up for me when I'd really need it, but so far it's only happened perhaps once or twice in my life. I don't care about friendship, it's fellowship I really miss. This makes me unbearably sad sometimes, but still not bitter as far as I can tell.

I want to go to Valhall defending someone who's unable to defend henself.

seemingly
04-30-16, 02:37 PM
Well, sarahsweets, could it be that you *were* indeed wrong, and your opinion was not quite enlightened (it happens to all of us!) What kind of "support" (and why?) would you need in such situation?

sarahsweets
04-30-16, 04:51 PM
Well, sarahsweets, could it be that you *were* indeed wrong, and your opinion was not quite enlightened (it happens to all of us!) What kind of "support" (and why?) would you need in such situation?

Right or wrong- I took issue with the flippant tone and calling me uneducated. There are better ways articulate or correct someone. And I didnt mean I needed support in that particular instance it was just something that happened recently so sue me for having feelings and feeling stung. What does it matter who is right and who is wrong when people are condescending and patronizing?

sarahsweets
05-01-16, 05:05 AM
I've seen and felt every possible angle in every environment, as well. Most especially since I'm labeled as an "alternative" type of healer in regards to what I choose to treat myself with and what I share of my experiences.

Sometimes it hurts worse than I ever imagined it could. Other times it entertains me. Other times, it simply fuels my inner fires to learn and creates more opportunities for me to learn even more beneficial ways to calm my own inner critic by simply observing the depths of the pain and uncertainty within the social graces of others.

Ive come a long way in this area. And you know this. Believe me, five years ago Im sure without the mods being patient with me, and other people making friends with me, I would have been one of those ball busters that refused to think anything other than what I was doing worked for them.

I've learned the only successful way to get my mind out of those bothersome and hurtful thought loops is by learning to avoid what can easily become bait for my emotions.

I would like to be more like this, but sometimes taking the bait feels good in a sick way.

Others tend to be all in or all gone with whatever I choose to discuss or share. But that is simply my perception. There are brief and rare moments I feel fully supported, but honestly, I feel more and more alien each day, every where.
I really hope I have given you support a bit more recently. At least that I understand you a lot better than I did.

However, human nature f**** that all up sometimes. I've also learned there are complete strangers in this world who don't know me at all who would have my back just because of who they are as a human.

I feel we're truly all alone (all-one=alone in my brain) in this thing called life, no matter how many physically or virtually surround us and promise to have our backs. I've been let down too many times to ever again be comfortable with those kinds of promises.
[/quote]
I've been let down too. I struggle with this naive inner idealism that makes me want to hope things will be different.


The feeling of self-empowerment that comes from even the slightest bit of inner forward progress of achieving self-love, after years of having it physically and mentally beat down, feels so much more rewarding to me than any external connections of understanding can bring about. Perhaps only because I've been starving for that particular flavor of nourishment for so long.

I can identify as Ive talked of forgiveness before, especially self forgiveness. Also, as you may remember the most freeing thing for me is to say "f**k off" or some variation when I realize that whoever I am dealing with doesnt deserve to deal with me, talk about me, give advice to me or try to rule me.

This was a truly beautiful thread, I tried to rep you but you know how that goes.
xxxooo

ginniebean
05-01-16, 05:45 AM
I'd stick up for ya! <3

psychopathetic
05-01-16, 07:20 AM
I'm passive. I don't like confrontation, and things can really depend on how bad my stupid social anxieties are flaring up at the time.

That being said...I like to see myself as very strong when push comes to shove. I'm thinking about 2 kids my parents help out on the weekends who have autism.
I love them like brothers...and when I'm with them, especially in public places, I get very protective of them. And I'm proud of that. I feel like a lion...big strong and ready to pounce on anyone and tear them the heck up if they sling even the smallest of insults towards them.
I love those kids and they really bring my 'protector' side of me out.
I'm the same way with my nieces when they're around.

So...I tend to be passive and don't like to step in...but when push comes to shove, I'll freaking pounce. I'm right there.

psychopathetic
05-01-16, 07:45 AM
(((Sweets)))

I've been a part of a few threads where I should've stepped in and offered support to people who clearly could've used it. To 'defend' them if you will.
Sometimes I'm a chicken ####. Sometimes I'm scared of ticking people off by showing support to someone they disagree with...so instead of getting involved and offering the person a pat on the back...acknowledgement that I agree with them...I just take the cowardly way out, and ignore it and move on.

I'm often times a big idiot though too. There's sometimes where I just don't understand what exactly is going on...and so I'm afraid of getting tangled up in the middle of things and 'taking sides' or whatever...cause I'm just too dumb to get what all is happening.

...
Also a bit on you, and I do hope it's okay if I'm honest here with you...

I've always had a hard time figuring you out over the last couple of years lol. In my mind, you're a tough as nails kind of gal. A woman who wont take grief from no one.
And you intimidate me a bit xP. I'm a big sissy lala, and I've always thought that I probably annoy you, cause I'm too much so of a sissy lala (too sensitive...and too child like. I'm suppose to be a 33 year old grown man for goodness sakes!)lol xP.
I love getting your support though, cause damn it...in my mind, you're so strong. And I love your no nonsense ways...if ever I needed someone on my side to help me fight a battle...I'd feel so much relief knowing you were there by my side.

Also...does it annoy you when I leave you e-(((hugs)))? lol, I've wondered that since I've been here.
I'm a coward and have never asked...
But I've always wondered if my e-(((hugs))) annoy you.
Sometimes I want to reach out and give you a big e-(((hug)))...but I'm afraid that it'll only annoy you.
I think my mental image of you is probably way off...and I do apologize for that :(.

...
I don't know what's compelling me to type this all out here. I sure hope I'm not upsetting you, cause I'm not meaning to.
I LOVE when you give me support. I love the strength I feel in your words and in your posts. And you're always telling me I'm not lazy and stupid...and it just means a lot coming from you...even if I don't let you know that it does. I like having you at my side.
I just wish I didn't feel like I annoy you so badly! lol

(((Sweets)))

Was this too much? Too honest? :( I hope not.

sarahsweets
05-01-16, 08:20 AM
Also a bit on you, and I do hope it's okay if I'm honest here with you...

I've always had a hard time figuring you out over the last couple of years lol. In my mind, you're a tough as nails kind of gal. A woman who wont take grief from no one.
And you intimidate me a bit xP. I'm a big sissy lala, and I've always thought that I probably annoy you, cause I'm too much so of a sissy lala (too sensitive...and too child like. I'm suppose to be a 33 year old grown man for goodness sakes!)lol xP.
Dont ever feel bad about being honest with me. And STOP using the word sissy. It implies so much more and is so not true. Men and the way men hold themselves against sterotypes are so afraid of seeming weak. Saying how you feel, crying, thats courage. Courage to tell the manly, stoic men to f**k off.
I wish I didnt intimidate you but I dont think your assessment is that far off. I worry that part of the reason people do not get my back sometimes IS because I intimidate them with my style of posting and of course the f**k off mantra. honestly, that is how I freed myself of bondage in caring what people think of me. But I would be a liar if I said I really didnt care. If its someone who I am already at odds with, or some sort of useless mosquito in my ear, its easier for me to have that attitude. But dead on personal attacks on my way of feeling, thinking, responding, IQ, education etc. THAT hurts, badly. Strong people still need support and love. And I am not always the best at returning hugs, and sentiments. I am terrible with the thanks button which is funny because I wish I was thanked more too lol.










I love getting your support though, cause damn it...in my mind, you're so strong. And I love your no nonsense ways...if ever I needed someone on my side to help me fight a battle...I'd feel so much relief knowing you were there by my side.
[/quote} thank you for this. And this is part of the reason I started this thread. Because I have learned through recovery that if I dont ask for what I need, I have no right having expectations because they will never get met.

[quote]Also...does it annoy you when I leave you e-(((hugs)))? lol, I've wondered that since I've been here.
I'm a coward and have never asked...
But I've always wondered if my e-(((hugs))) annoy you.
Sometimes I want to reach out and give you a big e-(((hug)))...but I'm afraid that it'll only annoy you.

No! You are a virtual hugger. I am an in person touchy feelie hugger. Its just a matter of where we do it right?
Stop saying you are a coward.
Cowards are afraid of doing something and hide.
Being afraid of something and doing it anyway, thats courage.

I think my mental image of you is probably way off...and I do apologize for that :(.
I don't know what's compelling me to type this all out here. I sure hope I'm not upsetting you, cause I'm not meaning to.[/quote
I dont think you are off base at all. If anything you are very observant.

[quote]I LOVE when you give me support. I love the strength I feel in your words and in your posts. And you're always telling me I'm not lazy and stupid...and it just means a lot coming from you...even if I don't let you know that it does. I like having you at my side.
I just wish I didn't feel like I annoy you so badly! lol

And I am sorry if you feel like you annoy me. And I am sorry if I ever gave you that impression. One thing about me is I do not blow smoke up anyone's As*. I mean what I say but I am working on saying things in an easier, softer way.
XXXOOO

psychopathetic
05-01-16, 08:36 AM
I'm just reflecting a bit...and I'm still not sure why I'm sticking my damned foot in my mouth and being so honest with stuffs tonight...

But I do now recognize that I've skipped over you with my support on these forums, and I feel bad about that :(.

It's a lot about my image of you being this overly tough bad-a## and a lot about my fears that the kind of support I think I'm best at giving (sappy softy e-(((huggy))) kind of gooey support lol) just aren't what you want.

But now that I'm looking at it...I'm feeling bad. Because I absolutely do treat you very differently then I treat a lot of people here :(. I respond to you differently, because I think you're this hard edged, no-nonsense woman...and I forget that...well damn it...you're a human, and you're vulnerable too.

I should probably shut the #### up now. I don't know what in the heck is going on tonight xP.

((((((((((((((Sweets))))))))))))))

I've always admired you and have always looked up to you. But I think I've alienated you.

lol. I'll stop now. I just made everything awkward >.<'

psychopathetic
05-01-16, 08:45 AM
p.s.

(((((((Sweets)))))))

I just read your reply.
You are awesome.
Just sayin' :)

Little Nut
05-01-16, 12:00 PM
I now blame you 2 for getting this stuck in my head.
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/PswUnRexlOQ?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Bouncingoffwall
05-02-16, 01:28 PM
I tend to be the person who says what needs to be said in a direct way, regardless of whether its the 'popular' thing to say, or when most other people are afraid to say it. I have been told numerous times that this 'standing up for the other guy' sort of thing is admirable. I am not always right about it. I guess you could call it being blunt, to the point, direct, uncouth, or something like that. Maybe its some snotty way of combating an 'injustice' or at least what I feel is unjust.

Yet when certain things in my life happen that seem glaringly obvious that I would need a helping hand, sometimes I feel like Im alone, or some kind of sole crusader.


Sarah, I know the feeling and it's happened to me many times. I've taken it one step further and failed to defend myself when someone was personally attacking me or violating my boundaries somehow.

Yet, when someone I care about becomes the target, I am much quicker to jump in. I can play the hero to others, but I'm lousy at protecting myself sometimes. I think it partially has something to do with my ADHD, like I get caught up in my head to much, become unaware of the situation, and get caught off guard. Then, in the moment of conflict, I lose focus, control, and act impulsively (usually in a strange or retreating way).

I got bullied growing up and carried that with me for a long time. Back then, it was just part of "growing up." I would explode with inappropriate rage if I held it in too long. With my impulsivity, I could be capable of some very dark things. Part of my recovery process was to walk through all of that anger and range and practice how to access it, express it, without suppressing it.

I've gotten much better over the years after lots of practice with assertiveness. It's still a long journey and I'm not there yet.

Sometimes I can focus on helping others too much, and I have to remember to step back and take care of myself first, because if I'm not well, how can I be of use to others? I can get caught up helping others too much when I'm trying to avoid something within my own life.

Hope this helps :)

sarahsweets
05-04-16, 04:32 AM
Yet, when someone I care about becomes the target, I am much quicker to jump in. I can play the hero to others, but I'm lousy at protecting myself sometimes. I think it partially has something to do with my ADHD, like I get caught up in my head to much, become unaware of the situation, and get caught off guard. Then, in the moment of conflict, I lose focus, control, and act impulsively (usually in a strange or retreating way).

I also have always been better at defending someone else rather than myself
although as Ive gotten through certain life obstacles thats become less of an issue. I think having a hard time defending myself had a lot to do with my self esteem growing up. Like I didnt deserve to be defended, even by myself. Or that the perpetrator was clearly more worthy than me, so I just latched on to the flight part of flight or fight.
I guess maybe that still exists deep down sometimes, which is why maybe feeling like I am not valued enough to be defended or to have someone stand with an by me can sting so much now.
I also have to remember that when I choose to get involved and stand up for someone, I need to do it without expecting anything. Nothing in return, and nothing from others in the situation. I cant really expect people to do and act the way I think they should because I dont run the show.

I've gotten much better over the years after lots of practice with assertiveness. It's still a long journey and I'm not there yet.

Learning to set and stick with boundaries has helped me a lot.

Sometimes I can focus on helping others too much, and I have to remember to step back and take care of myself first, because if I'm not well, how can I be of use to others? I can get caught up helping others too much when I'm trying to avoid something within my own life.

Yes! In early recovery I did this. I always tell new people in recovery that being kind is fine, people pleasing when you are so new in the game, is not going to help you recover. Its takes the focus off what you should be doing and places it on what someone else is doing. If you arent paying attention to yourself you can get any better.