View Full Version : Social Wreck


JayOrmaru
05-07-16, 11:08 AM
This is my first time talking online other than my introduction so I apologize if its to long.

For as long as I can remember I've always felt a disconnection with other people. I hear them make conversation so quickly, even about the most ridiculous things and yet they manage to intrigue each other, make each other laugh and create relationships. Envy would be the right word to use. I wish there was a more lighthearted way to put my feelings but I've come to terms with the fact that I envy these people and the ease at which they are accepted. I use to carry so much self-loathing for not being able to adapt socially with groups of people, and after years I just started to grow numb. Now I am very comfortable with isolation and can spend days without holding a conversation with others inside my apartment, this terrifies me.

This is not to say that I can't talk to people, I am very friendly and have made great efforts to be as respectful and accepting towards others. However I have recently stopped caring for most things in my life and that includes social obligations. After years of tying my self-worth to my achievements and success in the classroom, and after years of failing to commit to things, focusing on the task at hand and completing assignments, I can no longer find and respect for myself. I enter a classroom and feel as if everyone has lost respect for me because I've proven time and time again that I am the weakest student, the one who can't manage to get his life on track. In a relentlessly tough and changing major like mine, who wants to have any level of understanding for someone as incompetent as that?

(This part is very embarrassing and often hard for me to admit) I have found that I am more concerned with finding love rather than finding friendships. I suppose I am just trying to find a way to fill that acceptance that I deeply crave.

The isolation hasn't helped, it has only made me notice the many strange quirks about me when I am alone. My behavior is very impulsive and I am very critical of everything I say and do. Even right now as I am typing this I am growing increasingly bitter towards myself for not finding the right words. I hate looking at this screen and feeling like there is nothing of substance here for people to care about acknowledging.

midnightstar
05-07-16, 12:00 PM
It's not too long and we care about what you have to say :grouphug:

I too sometimes find it hard to "connect" with other people so you're not alone :grouphug:

sarahsweets
05-07-16, 02:15 PM
Have you considered therapy?

ginniebean
05-07-16, 03:05 PM
You are far from alone. Many feel their nose pressed to the glass of life.

What's also common is having the feeling that others enjoy inanities and it does appear that they do. A lot of us have difficulty with social chit chat and don't enjoy it.

I do understand the.envy of wishing I could have the social ease of others. If it weren't for work I'd retreat into myself.

I often find that we need a more specialized social circle, a niche passion to share with others.

JayOrmaru
05-07-16, 03:17 PM
Hi Sarah,

I have but I didn't do a very good job of committing to it. Committing to things has never worked for me.

JayOrmaru
05-07-16, 03:24 PM
Thanks ginniebean,

I'm really glad you brought up the notion of a more specialized social circle. Thats How I've always felt. Socializing has always been hard for me, I can never find a group of people that fit my mindset and interests. Since my interests tend to be rather scattered, I don't really feel at home with a certain group of people.

gracie1030
05-10-16, 04:01 PM
I know how you feel. I have always been kind of a loner, although I used to feel a lot more lonely and isolated than I do now. What has helped me tremendously is just letting go and accepting myself for who I am. I know this is a lot easier said than done, but trust me, when you learn to do it you'll feel so much better and lighter, and you'll find it a lot more easy to communicate with people.

It all depends on how you see yourself. If you see yourself as someone who just simply can't connect to anyone, then your words will feel blocked from coming out of your mouth. Most people feel socially anxious like this because they're so afraid that what will come out of their mouth will sound stupid or that people won't understand.

Just let go of these past perceptions of yourself. Once I accepted I was spacey, different and kinda awkward I just owned it. And once people kinda made a weird face, I'd go "Heck yeah I'm weird!" instead of feeling shame and it made things a whole lot easier. People saw me as more confident and I was able to connect better.

I really hop this was somewhat useful :)

JayOrmaru
05-10-16, 04:23 PM
I know how you feel. I have always been kind of a loner, although I used to feel a lot more lonely and isolated than I do now. What has helped me tremendously is just letting go and accepting myself for who I am. I know this is a lot easier said than done, but trust me, when you learn to do it you'll feel so much better and lighter, and you'll find it a lot more easy to communicate with people.

It all depends on how you see yourself. If you see yourself as someone who just simply can't connect to anyone, then your words will feel blocked from coming out of your mouth. Most people feel socially anxious like this because they're so afraid that what will come out of their mouth will sound stupid or that people won't understand.

Just let go of these past perceptions of yourself. Once I accepted I was spacey, different and kinda awkward I just owned it. And once people kinda made a weird face, I'd go "Heck yeah I'm weird!" instead of feeling shame and it made things a whole lot easier. People saw me as more confident and I was able to connect better.

I really hop this was somewhat useful :)
Thank you gracie1030,

I appreciate the help. Learning to love myself is definitely something I've been struggling with. Perhaps i'm just doubting myself to much. Failure comes often to us with ADD/ADHD so it definitely gets harder keep to telling myself that but i'll certainly keep trying. :)

SJB928
05-12-16, 05:40 PM
Oh Gracie, if it were only that easy to let go and accept one's self. I envy those blessed enough to achieve that miracle. I have have far too many decades of self hatred.

Ginniebean, you are so right about having my nose pressed against the "glass of life" The best I can do now is make my prison more comfortable.

mchclay
05-12-16, 11:31 PM
It is hard. I don't really have any close friends, but make friends wherever I go if that makes sense. Very few get to the inner circle that is me. Usually they go running and screaming for the hills long before they get the full picture!

I got lucky and finally found a girl who loves and supports me for me and it was life changing. I guess she is my best and only friend.

This is a simple trick I used to use when meeting new clients. Look around their office covertly to see things they are interested in...then talk about it. Most people LOVE to talk about themselves..if you just get them started they will provide other clues in the conversation that you can then use to continue the charade! It is mentally taxing, but with a little work I became a pro.

Try and force yourself outside your comfort zone and you will begin to grow! For example, next time you are shopping at the store just kick off a conversation with someone about a product the two of you are looking at. Start small and it will get easier over time but you gotta take the first step..yes it is uncomfortable but just do it if you can.

JayOrmaru
05-12-16, 11:58 PM
It is hard. I don't really have any close friends, but make friends wherever I go if that makes sense. Very few get to the inner circle that is me. Usually they go running and screaming for the hills long before they get the full picture!

I got lucky and finally found a girl who loves and supports me for me and it was life changing. I guess she is my best and only friend.

This is a simple trick I used to use when meeting new clients. Look around their office covertly to see things they are interested in...then talk about it. Most people LOVE to talk about themselves..if you just get them started they will provide other clues in the conversation that you can then use to continue the charade! It is mentally taxing, but with a little work I became a pro.

Try and force yourself outside your comfort zone and you will begin to grow! For example, next time you are shopping at the store just kick off a conversation with someone about a product the two of you are looking at. Start small and it will get easier over time but you gotta take the first step..yes it is uncomfortable but just do it if you can.
Congratulations on finding someone! It was similar with me with my last girlfriend, during the first few years of college she was my best and only friend. After we broke up I learned to stop putting my social life in one person so it must have been the right decision. Although now I'm stuck wandering the last semester of college by myself finding people to socialize with. It's rather intimidating this late in college and holding a conversation with others seems almost time-wasting.

spunky84
05-17-16, 11:12 PM
Try and force yourself outside your comfort zone and you will begin to grow! For example, next time you are shopping at the store just kick off a conversation with someone about a product the two of you are looking at. Start small and it will get easier over time but you gotta take the first step..yes it is uncomfortable but just do it if you can.

This! Absolutely this.

At some point in my life, I just kind of accepted my social awkwardness and lack of friends. I didn't like it, but it was easier to envy others for their friendships and the ease in which they spoke with others. I eventually quit my job to go back to school, and for a profession in which communication is essential.

I accepted that I didn't have to be a social butterfly, but I had to force myself out of my comfort zone and start building myself up to where I need to be, at the very least. I remember the first time I tried starting up a random conversation with another who was grocery shopping. I felt sick to my stomach, but I finally just blurted something out. It was a quick and short conversation, but to find that I wasn't rejected was a bit of a confidence booster.

I've come a long way, but I still really struggle. It's just been enough to get me by, so far. I'm not where I need to be for my, hopeful, profession, but I'm getting there. I really related to a lot of your post.

If you don't mind me asking, when you tried therapy, how often were you going? If you think therapy could be beneficial to you, do you think you try to commit to something that's comfortable for you?

It's hard for me to explain, but like for me, I detest making commitments and have a tendency to flake out because I just can't do it. I just recently started going back to therapy. Fortunately I only have appointments once every 2 weeks. I feel like that's easier for me to commit to than weekly like I had done in the past. It helps in knowing that I can stop whenever I want to.

Do you think it's possible to find something that's comfortable for you? What about speaking with someone and explain about the commitment, whether to your appointments or therapy itself, and maybe they can help come up with something that is comfortable and could work for you?

kilted_scotsman
05-18-16, 09:04 AM
I went to dance classes..... Tango and 5 rhythms.

Great thing is both of these, particularly the 5 rhythms, are "no talk" so you communicate through dance.

These two types of dance complement each other.... Tango is partner dance.... so you are dancing intimately with one person.... often a stranger... 5 R's is mainly a solo interpretive dance (in a crowd of other people doing the same).

Tango is sets of short dances with breaks where you can sit down and take a breath, 5R's is continuous with no breaks for the whole session.

The essence of both is "getting out of your head and into your body" so it's very much about dealing with all that self-talk..... all the head stuff.

I found both excruciating to begin with, particularly the Tango.... but stuck with them.

A good teacher helps... I disclosed my ADHD/AS at the beginning and the teachers were very supportive.

Once I'd done these kinds of dance, I found social situations much much easier to cope with because my mind was clearer.... less anxiety therefore less brain fog, because once you've danced as intimately as can happen in Tango and 5R's, talking seems pretty tame and a bit pointless.....

Doing this also provides the meat that my therapist and I chew over in our sessions.

Roundmouth
05-18-16, 09:17 AM
Have you considered therapy?

Me, I'm into more or less the same situation and I've never for one single second considered therapy. Just as I've never considered getting on a strict cucumber diet for the problem or learn how to walk on my hands or knit a cap from my navel fluff.