View Full Version : Confronted what I thought was abuse - proud as an adult !


Gilthranon
05-11-16, 07:54 AM
During dinner an acquaintance says 'D is gonna clean up all the dishes for you guys'

...

"You mean, we're gonna do it." And after dinner take all my courage together to confront him. I've had many abusers over the years and have to confront to avoid paranoia. Asked what the hell that was, he was surprised, apologized, I said no worries then and the evening continued on.

Over the years I've seen many abusers to either my friends or me and few times the story ended well. The confrontation with these people can be extremely stressful.

Fuzzy12
05-11-16, 08:13 AM
It's hugely stressful when you feel that someone is exploiting you or abusing you. This guy was way out of line. Uggh..well done for confronting him and standing up for yourself. I can imagine how stressed and worried I'd be in this situation so seriously....well done!!

The good news is that with a lot of people (like hopefully this one) you just need to do it once. Many people don't realise how nasty they are and back off when they are made aware of it.

mchclay
05-12-16, 03:14 PM
I agree. Some times I don't mean to come off like I do...in my mind it seems funny or joking but others don't take it that way. Really working on this one. Truth of the matter is I would walk through fire for my girl if she asked. She is my heart and soul.

I'd like to add that sometimes I don't know I am acting a certain way unless someone tells me and more often times than not I appreciate the heads up! I don't actually want to be perceived as that guy, but do make a fool out of myself often lol.

With people like me your subtleties are wasted! Just grab me by the collar and say "hey that's not nice"! I usually snap in line quickly because after you bring it to my attention and I think about it I know you are right on the money.

Great job for not only confronting your fears but letting this guy know hey that's not how it should be done! Wish i had more friends like you who were not afraid to put me in my place sometimes!

I know as men we think we have to be all macho and stuff, but there is a time and place for everything only I have not figured out what time is right to apply this and what time is not ok to apply this. I am learning though!

KarmanMonkey
05-12-16, 03:31 PM
The worst thing is that quite often the person is blind to the harm their attitudes cause, or even feel justified. Glad you were able to be assertive, and proud of you for doing so! Especially people who have been abused in the past have great difficulty challenging someone with their behaviour.

Given that he seemed genuinely apologetic, and that this is not a pattern of behaviour, it might be okay to forgive. Just don't forget, and never accept anything less than kindness, support and respect from your SO. Regardless of the circumstances, you always deserve at least that much.

I know in my case I can feel my IQ dropping as the number of males in the room increases; it's like we infect each other with male stupidity! In the end, though, I'm still accountable for my behaviour.

mchclay
05-12-16, 03:44 PM
lmao see that's what I mean about the macho caveman mentality. Pre-programmed to compete to find our place in the hierarchy. When women say we are like dogs they have no idea how true that statement is!

Lloyd_
06-14-16, 05:55 PM
During dinner an acquaintance says 'D is gonna clean up all the dishes for you guys'

...

"You mean, we're gonna do it." And after dinner take all my courage together to confront him. I've had many abusers over the years and have to confront to avoid paranoia. Asked what the hell that was, he was surprised, apologized, I said no worries then and the evening continued on.

Over the years I've seen many abusers to either my friends or me and few times the story ended well. The confrontation with these people can be extremely stressful.

The thing about having abusers over the years they teach you a great deal about yourself because most of it is subtle.

There are times where an abuser must be dealt with and other times which at work or in "delicate" situations where I've learn to not even react the least bit to their provocations. In fact when you deprive the abuser of the emotional reaction he/she was expecting they're totally floored at first and usually will find an easier target.