View Full Version : Do The People In Your Life Really Believe You?


Gypsy Willow
05-20-16, 11:43 AM
When you tell them of your struggle with ADD?

Now I learned immediately upon my diagnosis 15 years ago, that my fam-damily wasn't gonna be there for me. They laughed, balked, told me I just wanted to take speed, that I needed to "grow up", life is hard, blah blah blah. (Typical narcissistic family members...if it's not about them, they can't show compassion or support.)

So over the years, I learned to be very, very careful about who I confide in about this. I have one dear friend who while she doesn't "understand" the impact of ADD, has been kind and encourages me. Another good friend, was super supportive about the struggles with depression and anxiety; as she had been down that road but when it came to the ADD, she basically told me to "stay positive".

I recently started a new job and it's LOTS and LOTS of new info and the training is in "starts" and "fits". As all of you know by now, us ADD'ers need to be trained with consistency. Repetition. So I was overwhelmed yesterday and emailed another friend and was doubting if this was the right place for me, etc., due to the ADD. She basically told me "Keep smiling! I believe in you!" :umm1:

So is that how it's always gonna be? Complete ridicule and abuse from the haters and then condescension from the ones who are supportive? Thinking if you just "keep a good attitude", it will go away because afterall....(in their minds) ADD isn't a REAL condition......

Has anyone else experienced this?

sarahsweets
05-20-16, 12:58 PM
Yes I have experienced this and it sucks- an no, it will never change. I mean, unless scientists discover a blood test to prove it, our lives will be filled with douchbags and daisies.
My loved ones- kids,husband-mom know because its so tied into the bipolar II I have it just made sense. I do not tell anyone else unless absolutely necessary- and I mean really really important. I dont even tell doctors why I take dexedrine. They see my list of meds and ask me what they are for and I say bipolar-thats all.
The way the world is freaking out over prescription drug abuse I dont want a doctor assuming I am one of the drug seeking fakers. And, unless you are dealing with an expert in adhd, most doctors are clueless.

A word of caution and you can take this for what its worth:
NEVER TELL YOUR EMPLOYER OR ANYONE YOU WORK WITH that you have adhd, or medicated for adhd.
Sure, they may seem like they will make accomodations. They will want to help. They will be all up in your grill with opinions, suggestions, and web md B.S.
They will praise you for doing a good job 'even though' you have adhd-rather than praising you because you are rocking their world. Or they will think they have the right to consistently "constructively" criticize your work. Or worse- even though there are laws, people still get around it- they will fire your as* for one thing or another. Maybe they see you as a liability, or are tired of helping you along. Just because there is a law against it doesnt mean they wont do it.

JMO.

Gypsy Willow
05-20-16, 01:23 PM
A word of caution and you can take this for what its worth:
NEVER TELL YOUR EMPLOYER OR ANYONE YOU WORK WITH that you have adhd, or medicated for adhd.
Sure, they may seem like they will make accomodations. They will want to help. They will be all up in your grill with opinions, suggestions, and web md B.S.
They will praise you for doing a good job 'even though' you have adhd-rather than praising you because you are rocking their world. Or they will think they have the right to consistently "constructively" criticize your work. Or worse- even though there are laws, people still get around it- they will fire your as* for one thing or another. Maybe they see you as a liability, or are tired of helping you along. Just because there is a law against it doesnt mean they wont do it.

JMO.

Oh trust me!!! I never tell any employer! I did lose a job in 2005 because my employer found out I had ADD. I went to the EEOC and because the office I had worked in was smaller than 15 people, there was nothing EEOC could do, but the EEOC lawyer I spoke to was super supportive and wanted SO badly to go after my former employer. I also got unemployment, like within 3 days, because the workforce commission deemed it "wrongful termination."

There is MAJOR discrimination again this condition.

I loved your comment about "douchebags and daisies". ROTFL! Thanks for your input!! :goodpost:

sarahsweets
05-20-16, 01:44 PM
I loved your comment about "douchebags and daisies". ROTFL! Thanks for your input!! :goodpost:
We all have our gifts. Mine seem to be sarcasm and wit. ;)

Fuzzy12
05-20-16, 03:52 PM
Only hubby. The others think that I'm crazy for believing I have mental health problems. :lol:

acdc01
05-20-16, 07:10 PM
I'm lucky in this way I guess. My sister was the one who pushed me to get an ADHD diagnosis even while my doctor kept turning me away.

Almost everyone in my personal life (that I've told and is still in my life) believes I have ADHD. Some I haven't told just cause the subject hasn't come up.

Mom didn't believe at first but when she saw I couldn't count a wad of money for the life of me cause I kept spacing out in between, she realized there was definitely something wrong and then accepted it at that moment. She still underestimates the impact ADHD has on me but according to her, I always underestimate the impact old age has on a person's ability to do things so I guess we are even. Dad I suspect is a narcissist so just doesn't think about it much one way or another.

Is it possible that some of the people who say "we believe in you" and try to stay positive do believe you have ADHD but just don't know what it is you need to hear from them in order to feel supported? If that's the case, would it help if you just told them what it is you need them to do in order to feel supported?

I hope you can find people that are supportive sooner or later. It feels to me like it does make a difference in terms of happiness.

ginniebean
05-20-16, 09:33 PM
I don't speak of my adhd to anyone. My family knows and they basically hounded me to go get treatment. I don't have doubters among my family and i don't give others the opportunity to assume their opinion is worth anything.

I feel badly for people who's family doubts the diagnosis. That really sucks.

BellaVita
05-21-16, 12:05 AM
Yes I sure have, to a degree.

Turned out that the same people saying that stuff to me were toxic in general - so I cut them out of my life.

Now, everyone around me believes me. That's because I'm surrounded by good people.

Gypsy Willow
05-24-16, 09:57 AM
I feel badly for people who's family doubts the diagnosis. That really sucks.

Yes it does! But it makes us stronger too, and also more self-sufficient.

I could have terminal brain cancer and my family would doubt it based on the fact, as I mentioned earlier, they are narcissists. Zero compassion.

Loeyjean
06-10-16, 02:29 AM
I am 71, diagnosed w/ADD, LD, dyslexia two years ago. I didn't know what was wrong with me, never heard of ADHD. Significant hearing loss due to measles at 3 months, but knew it was more than that, but what? I didn't know. Grew up feeling more than stupid, embarrassed constantly. Diagnosed with depression for 35 years. My sister says I'm too sensitive. I'm no longer speaking to her.

sarahsweets
06-12-16, 08:26 AM
Something else I had to learn in order to live my own authentic life- tell people who dont believe you or tell you their opinion to go f**k themselves. Seriously, its very freeing, Its none of their business and their validation and approval doesnt mean sh*t.

psychopathetic
06-12-16, 09:05 AM
tell people who dont believe you or tell you their opinion to go f**k themselves.

Sarah...
I freaking love you lol.
Ever since I first got to these forums I've loved it when you've made statements like this. Every time.
You just completely kick a** in my opinion.

lol I just had to get that out there.

psychopathetic
06-12-16, 09:09 AM
(((((((Gypsy)))))))

The disbelief in my condition crushes me.
I get it from my family, got it from my old therapist and get it from society in general.
The few friends I have think it's all fun and games, and I think they even think I'm lucky for my lot in life (which I really truly am. But I don't think they realize my level of suffering I go through day in and day out).
I also get it from myself though. I'm REAL good at beating the hell out of myself and tearing myself apart into little shreds...belittling me, and telling myself I'm just being lazy and worthless.

Like I said...it crushes me.

It crushes US. It's stifling.

:(

I wish people could understand that it's not a lack of effort. Or a flaw in our characters. It's not about 'not wanting it bad enough'. We're not just choosing to be lazy. We didn't mean to wait till the last possible minute just because we're being immature. It's not about not caring.
/cry
I wish they could see the ways in which we struggle. Feel the despair we put ourselves through time and time again. Experience the desperation we feel just to try and stay caught up in an ever increasingly complicated world.
To know the level of suffering we go through.
It's just so frustrating, and all I've ever really wanted is to feel adequate and accepted.

/sigh
now I'm just talking nonsense.

stef
06-12-16, 02:16 PM
it.s not mean, but they dont really understand because they are quite rational in the first place
my son tho is very kind and when i forget omething he says dont worry it doesnt matter

my mom was super supportive when i told her i may have this
We had the nicest talks, about how my dad most certainly was adhd
i never knew this but when working he often came back home cause he forgot something ( he was in sales and had to have docs and samples with him)

i said once, but mom if *you* worked in sales, wouldnt you have eveything all lined up and ready, the night before?( she was super organized)
we had a great laugh about this and wished my dad would have known about adhd

psychopathetic
06-12-16, 06:50 PM
It's tough too...because this whole disorder is difficult to understand.
At least it continues to be for me.

It's SO easy for this disorder to be confused with simple things like 'laziness', or a 'lack of interest'. And it's difficult for a lot of people I think to see past anything but simple explanations.

And it's not like ADD is a well known disorder. I knew VERY little about it up until I suspected I might have it and started doing some research. Hell...after over 2 years now of being diagnosed, I still don't get it.
I should rephrase that cause I do think ADHD is a VERY well known disorder. What I mean here though is it's not a well understood disorder. So many just think it's got to do with kids and it's all about being hyper and not being able to sit still or behave. They have no idea how complex this disorder really is.

I guess what my long winded ramble is about here...is that it sucks that I feel so misunderstood (especially by my mother and father...but I just feel the weight of it from society in general if that makes any sense to anyone)...
But at the same time, I don't want to be too overly judgmental or misunderstanding myself of those who don't understand me or my disorder.

Like I said, this disorder doesn't seem to be to be widely understood by the vast majority...and most people in general (I think. Maybe I'm wrong in this assumption) want simple answers to their questions...which is why in my parent's view...I'm just mainly lazy. Any other explanation tends to over complicate things for them and they just want something simple...something easy for them to grasp and understand.

peripatetic
06-13-16, 02:14 AM
unsure how comparable this is, but people definitely believe i'm mentally ill. some don't always believe i am medication compliant even when i am, though. i know for certain there are people in my life who operate under the assumption that medication fixes things if you take it like you're supposed to. so, when i struggle, it's assumed i'm foregoing treatment. a.k.a. it's my own fault/doing.

i avoid those people like the plague. i don't need the additional suspicion and guilt trip and i will never convince them because it's not worth the effort to try.

TheFitFatty
06-13-16, 02:42 AM
Most peoples first reactions have been to say "no you don't", then I explain to them what it is, and the reaction is "Oh, oh **** maybe you do!" They expect me to be jumping off the walls, unable to sit still or hold a conversation. They don't realize that my leg going constantly, my inability to make eye contact for very long or my constant acknowledgement of what they are saying without actually contributing because I lost track of the conversation twenty minutes ago is ADHD.

For my father to believe it all I had to say was "daydreaming" and he laughed and said "yup, that's you! I never thought about it back then"

My mother is still slightly skeptic I think, but she won't say anything after she didn't believe me about my depression and was always after to me to stop taking my medication and I attempted suicide.

The thing with both my parents is that my adopted brother was diagnosed as ADHD when he was a kid (early 90's), down the road he was re-classified as Asbergers (which given his fetal alcohol syndrome is more likely). So they still think of ADHD as the way he acted. Not the comments they always got from my teachers about me (doesn't pay attention, daydreaming, etc).

I don't really tell people who aren't close to me, but everyone for me has been fairly meh about it all. They've remarked on how I seem much happier and more focused since I started meds, and are happy for me, but they don't pity, condescend or disbelieve me.

Grocket
06-14-16, 04:27 PM
I tell people my brain's a ******* sports car and theirs is a ******* minivan and when I have my meds I will destroy most people in a race.

Just got back in meds after trying two years without them... feels good to win races again.

salleh
06-15-16, 08:05 AM
.... Most of them believe it cause I have always been "different" than most people ....for decades I thought it was because I am an artist ....we're supposed to be weird ....part of the script doncha know .....

....when I was diagnosed at about 45, about 20 years ago, my now ex commented ...well that explains a lot ....almost all of the years (13) I spent with him I was unmedicated, ( either self or under a doctors care) ....and those years really pointed up just how ADD I am .....

.....It took about 10 years to finally get a pdoc who gave me a high enough script to actually make a difference in me .....but on my very best day ...I get to about 75% of a normal human ....on my worst.....maybe 15 % ......

....but I wander ( again) ....I often think people don't believe me, probably because like everyone who has ever gotten a scrip from a doctor, and pharmacist I have had weird looks that made me quite uncomfortable .....now whether they are actually in disbelief or not, I can't say for sure, I am not that good at reading people .....

Pilgrim
06-15-16, 08:53 PM
There are some people that I wish could understand the challenges I face. Again what makes it worse that people think your not quite up to it or hopeless. This always hurts me.
I can honestly say there is only one person who I can truely confide in in every way regarding its difficulty and complexity.
Luckily atm one is enough.

Grocket
06-16-16, 01:17 AM
snip
... I have had weird looks that made me quite uncomfortable...

I ran into similar problems trying to find a doctor to prescribe adderall to me again.. Got a lot of "Oh sorry we can't do that..."

It's difficult in a college town to find a doc taking new patients, and who also was willing to listen to me.

Disregarding the snarky racecar comment though, I actually told my coworkers (I do chef type things at a small Mom and Pop catering/market type place so I work with the same people daily) about the add, and recently how i'm back on meds because I don't really know why now that I think about it....

..Damn... tabbed to a wiki page, got lost for 45 minutes, lost train of thought.

edit: Oh yeah! the people in my life.. I have several long time friends that totally 100% be like "yup G's got the add" My mom and bro doesn't prefer me taking meds 'cause they think i'm fine being a weirdo, but it's really hard to exist unmedicated and do things like pay rent, and, you know, life.

mrh235
06-16-16, 02:49 AM
My mom has been lying and covering up my condition and trying to control me since i was in kindergarten and she went to extreme lengths and tried even fabricate hobbies for me, and tried to sabotage my treatment when I first got diagnosed. It took my gf a while to understand my condition but thankfully she gets it. I'm open with every doctor and everyone around me. If they don't believe me or understand they can go **** themselves. People always thought I was off before I was diagnosed but didnt get it was adhd.

WheresMyMind
07-21-16, 10:43 PM
When you tell them of your struggle with ADD?

Now I learned immediately upon my diagnosis 15 years ago, that my fam-damily wasn't gonna be there for me. They laughed, balked, told me I just wanted to take speed, that I needed to "grow up", life is hard, blah blah blah. (Typical narcissistic family members...if it's not about them, they can't show compassion or support.)

So over the years, I learned to be very, very careful about who I confide in about this. I have one dear friend who while she doesn't "understand" the impact of ADD, has been kind and encourages me. Another good friend, was super supportive about the struggles with depression and anxiety; as she had been down that road but when it came to the ADD, she basically told me to "stay positive".

I recently started a new job and it's LOTS and LOTS of new info and the training is in "starts" and "fits". As all of you know by now, us ADD'ers need to be trained with consistency. Repetition. So I was overwhelmed yesterday and emailed another friend and was doubting if this was the right place for me, etc., due to the ADD. She basically told me "Keep smiling! I believe in you!" :umm1:

So is that how it's always gonna be? Complete ridicule and abuse from the haters and then condescension from the ones who are supportive? Thinking if you just "keep a good attitude", it will go away because afterall....(in their minds) ADD isn't a REAL condition......

Has anyone else experienced this?

I don't tell them I have ADD.

The definitions for ADD are barely understandable by those of us who have it. Expecting someone who does not have the disorder to read a description and have any clue what they expect out of me is asking them to leap a tall building.

I had a girlfriend once, who was a paraplegic - in a wheelchair. I made some comment once about why more buildings don't have ramps and she exploded. "$$!@@###!!!! stupid concept! I'm the one who's different, it would be sheer arrogance for me to expect the rest of the world to adapt to me. Instead of expecting everybody to know in advance, I just ask the company I work for to do specific things that will help. Everybody thinks about ramps, but nobody thinks about putting a coat rack only 3 feet off the floor. Idiots would get angry, I just politely say "this would be helpful, can you do it?"

So I think that way about ADD.

I tell any new manager that I tend to have a messy desk, and I've always struggled to keep my projects on track. And, I would not feel badly at all if the manager chose to remind me or ask me a couple times a week how I'm doing on whatever's important to her.

Instead of telling them you have a disorder, just tell them the things you'll struggle with - the things they'll notice - and they'll know what they should/shouldn't do.

We're all different..just saying you have ADD doesn't tell anybody what to expect or how they should treat you.

WMM

Twiggy
07-22-16, 07:02 PM
Nobody that I know understands ADD and how it messes with my life. (Friends and family)
They just think that I'm lazy and procrastinate on purpose.

They don't believe in me and it actually surprises them when I complete something...which is rare.

TheFitFatty
07-23-16, 11:56 PM
A person who I thought was a good friend told me this weekend that I'm fooling myself and she doesn't want me to talk about my ADHD around her kids. :(

HypoGirl
07-28-16, 12:08 PM
When you tell them of your struggle with ADD?

Now I learned immediately upon my diagnosis 15 years ago, that my fam-damily wasn't gonna be there for me. They laughed, balked, told me I just wanted to take speed, that I needed to "grow up", life is hard, blah blah blah. (Typical narcissistic family members...if it's not about them, they can't show compassion or support.)

So over the years, I learned to be very, very careful about who I confide in about this. I have one dear friend who while she doesn't "understand" the impact of ADD, has been kind and encourages me. Another good friend, was super supportive about the struggles with depression and anxiety; as she had been down that road but when it came to the ADD, she basically told me to "stay positive".

I recently started a new job and it's LOTS and LOTS of new info and the training is in "starts" and "fits". As all of you know by now, us ADD'ers need to be trained with consistency. Repetition. So I was overwhelmed yesterday and emailed another friend and was doubting if this was the right place for me, etc., due to the ADD. She basically told me "Keep smiling! I believe in you!" :umm1:

So is that how it's always gonna be? Complete ridicule and abuse from the haters and then condescension from the ones who are supportive? Thinking if you just "keep a good attitude", it will go away because afterall....(in their minds) ADD isn't a REAL condition......

Has anyone else experienced this?
Yes, because I appear to be fine, as there are no physical signs with this disorder. I'm usually listening in a one on one conversation. Wit and sarcasm have been useful tools, but they don't help me with personal achievements or true happiness. I try to be positive and upbeat on the outside, but internally I'm a mess. Even my husband is in denial about my ADD. I've gone through life as the lovable space cadet.
Save

hi_add13
07-29-16, 02:50 PM
My significant other believes and supports me, and also a couple of close friends.

My parents don't know anything about Inattentive ADD, which is the reason why it took until I was an adult before I could raise my concerns with my physician and was referred to a psychiatrist. While I told my mom that I have hard time focusing/paying attention and currently seeing a psych, I don't think she really understands. :lol: My parents are too busy with work and immigrated from another country. I do have a cousin overseas who's ADHD.

I'm not too keen on telling my teachers because I once brought it up to my chemistry teacher in high school and she told me that I was just using it as an excuse to be lazy and not study. I don't think any of my teachers would have believed me because while I was sort of a little distraction in class, I always managed to turn in my homework and keep my grades up. (With the power of stress from procrastination :D)

gen_car
07-29-16, 08:03 PM
Finally! People who "get it!" This has been such a struggle, it's worse than the ADD! My son was diagnosed when he was very young. He's 27 now, and I can't tell you how many times my mother would refer to his meds as "those pills," like we were getting them from some shady guy in a back alley, rather than a qualified doctor! It ****** me off.

Even so, it took me another 10 years at least for any medical provider to believe me. You know how it goes, the minute you walk in with a self-diagnosis, they'll do anything but the right thing. I was diagnosed with a slew of "symptoms" representative of ADD. I may actually be the first person who went to AA, who truly was not an alcoholic. Sure I drank - anything to make the craziness go away. But that wasn't the bottom line. No one bothered to look deeper, because it might take some time and effort, and OMG, I might be right, which I was of course. So, I was 45 when diagnosed by a reputable psychiatrist, within 15 minutes of walking in her door.

When I was put on Ritalin my life changed. I went back to school at the age of 50, graduated with a 3.7, and am now self-employed as a freelance writer and certified resume writer. Never could have done it before!

The one person I really wanted to understand this was my mother. I did my share of typical ADDish things - being irresponsible, impulsive, and basically screwing up everything I touched. When I graduated, I wanted to make my family proud that I finally, for the first time in my life finished something that took 5 years, and excelled. But no one got it. I'd send my mom articles about adult ADD, the symptoms and things we do. Still didn't matter. I was simply lazy, lacked motivation and needed a kick in the rear. Well, I'd been kicking myself for years and years!!

My husband...he'll never get it. I don't have visible scars; there's no blood and guts, so again, I'm just selfish, irresponsible (still sometimes), and basically don't do anything right. Well, that's a story for another day.

It's very hurtful when you suffer and no one believes you. Of course, like most people, I come with a list of comorbidities (sp??) or side orders as I call them - depression, anxiety, etc.

I'm sure you all get it.

Anyway, I don't want to monopolize this, so thanks everyone. Glad I bumped into this site!

maysarieltiff
07-30-16, 02:21 AM
unsure how comparable this is, but people definitely believe i'm mentally ill. some don't always believe i am medication compliant even when i am, though. i know for certain there are people in my life who operate under the assumption that medication fixes things if you take it like you're supposed to. so, when i struggle, it's assumed i'm foregoing treatment. a.k.a. it's my own fault/doing.

i avoid those people like the plague. i don't need the additional suspicion and guilt trip and i will never convince them because it's not worth the effort to try.

I have heard these exact words from my boyfriend, "I thought you were taking medication to fix that," and "I guess your medication isn't helping, or did you take it today?"

Always encouraging (rolls eyes), and depressing to think he doesn't understand or apparently even try to.

One of my best friend's from when I was 18-22ish told me that she always thought I needed medication...and she said it in a loving, non judgmental way. I appreciated that. It takes a close friendship for that comment to not sound judgmental, though.

I know some people who believe I am "mentally ill", and others who believe I am just faking the whole thing? Crazy. Anyway, you are not alone.

gen_car
07-30-16, 03:57 PM
Another thing I've learned in life is never say anything, or especially write about it (unless in this type of environment) that people could perceive in a negative manner. Also, you don't want something you may have told someone in confidence, or whatever, being thrown in your face someday in the future.

It could be a best friend at work, but you never know. A month from now, you may hate each other, but he/she has something to hold over your head.

Of course the whole thing is very nasty, and cruel, but people do lots of ugly things! Be careful!!

peripatetic
07-30-16, 05:03 PM
I know some people who believe I am "mentally ill", and others who believe I am just faking the whole thing? Crazy. Anyway, you are not alone.

can you state the question another way? i'm afraid i don't understand what you're asking... :o

i'm unsure why you write "mentally ill", too...

soz if it's all obvious. i'm still a bit jet lagged (add that to being a little out of touch on my best, least sleep deprived day).

Pincheyloveclaw
08-01-16, 04:00 AM
I couldnt sympathize more. Diagnosed at 42. After attempting to tell my Mother (who i suspect also has it) I didnt even bother trying with the rest of my family. I have bigger problems with my wife who is basically verbally abusive with me when she has to tell me something more than once. Although she says she understands and agrees with the diagnosis, its obvios to me that she really doesnt understand. She seems more interested in when and how I take medication, and oh- yeah, its mostly about how I have no compassion for the pain and difficulty I cause her! While I acknowledge that her life might have been easier if I was a NT. I cant validate her jesus christ pose on this. Because while she seeks to be the martyr I bust my @$$ every day, and the only praise I seek is a day without screwing up.
This situation has (has had) me fighting depression, insomnia, and anxiety as well. But, I actually feel more positive now because the picture has never been clearer (to me at least). It is good to have some self esteem back. And even if I end up living in a van down by the river, I will be happier because I now know what I need in terms of support and acceptance in my life and that gives me direction which I never really had before.

And maybe thats what nobody understands. I dont need to hear that you belive in me, or that you think Im not lazy. The problem with the daisy's is that theyll give you their most sincere sympathies while they charge your credit card for the missed appointment. And the douchbags - well, they probably dont believe because the bible never mentioned it. Nobody seems to understand that what is really required is a little patience (ok maybe a lot of patience) and the opportunity to make it right. All the sympathy and compassion in the world wouldnt do s much good.

sarahsweets
08-01-16, 04:45 AM
I couldnt sympathize more. Diagnosed at 42. After attempting to tell my Mother (who i suspect also has it) I didnt even bother trying with the rest of my family. I have bigger problems with my wife who is basically verbally abusive with me when she has to tell me something more than once.
Verbal abuse no matter what the intentions are is never ok.


When non adhd spouses deal with adhd spouses, sometimes they almost act parental with us. Some do it because they want to control things,some do it because they see no other way and some look at it as survival.
Is never good to live that way. No matter if your spouse thinks she is the glue holding everything together, the lack of understanding and abuse is not the way to deal with it.
Why is she so focused on your medication? Does she think medication is a magic pharma miracle?
It sounds like she could use some education and maybe some therapy.
Resentments happen but they are toxic. Try to not let it bother you. Those are her issues, and you can control how she deals with them.
We teach others how to treat us. If we accept things a certain way, they will never change.
Have you talked to her about this calmly? Does she know how she is making you feel?


[quote] While I acknowledge that her life might have been easier if I was a NT. I cant validate her jesus christ pose on this. Because while she seeks to be the martyr I bust my @$$ every day, and the only praise I seek is a day without screwing up.
Wow. It sounds like you both could use some counseling because the resentments are(understandably) boiling over. People that are martyrs will always find a way to be one. So if its not you and your issues, she would have found other things that justify her martyr stance.
I think you could both use some therapy. There is no way you can expect happiness if there is no understanding and equality.

This situation has (has had) me fighting depression, insomnia, and anxiety as well. But, I actually feel more positive now because the picture has never been clearer (to me at least). It is good to have some self esteem back. And even if I end up living in a van down by the river, I will be happier because I now know what I need in terms of support and acceptance in my life and that gives me direction which I never really had before.

And maybe thats what nobody understands. I dont need to hear that you belive in me, or that you think Im not lazy. The problem with the daisy's is that theyll give you their most sincere sympathies while they charge your credit card for the missed appointment. And the douchbags - well, they probably dont believe because the bible never mentioned it. Nobody seems to understand that what is really required is a little patience (ok maybe a lot of patience) and the opportunity to make it right. All the sympathy and compassion in the world wouldnt do s much good.
I can see why your self esteem has suffered. Please consider what I said about counseling. Resentments are what ruins relationships. Its poison for the love and soul.

Pincheyloveclaw
08-01-16, 08:07 AM
I am in therapy. It helps. She will no longer go. I have given up myfriends and much of my family for this marriage and it still falls apart. I am doing the best I can with the situation. I no longer enter into the arguments, I just calmly state my position and keep doing so until she gives up. It is the best I can manage right now. It hurts. I mostly am focused on the kids, whom I fear will suffer more than I.

Hermus
08-01-16, 08:57 AM
Most people that are close to me know that I'm chaotic, have little focus and have great difficulties with structuring my life. For them the diagnosis ADD seems very logical. My mother, like me, never was really satisfied with me being labeled PDD-NOS. We both feel that ADD is a label that applies much more.

sarahsweets
08-02-16, 04:37 AM
I am in therapy. It helps. She will no longer go. I have given up myfriends and much of my family for this marriage and it still falls apart. I am doing the best I can with the situation. I no longer enter into the arguments, I just calmly state my position and keep doing so until she gives up. It is the best I can manage right now. It hurts. I mostly am focused on the kids, whom I fear will suffer more than I.

I get it, but living like this is causing your kids to suffer anyway.

Radio Hiker
08-02-16, 05:59 AM
I am in therapy. It helps. She will no longer go. I have given up myfriends and much of my family for this marriage and it still falls apart. I am doing the best I can with the situation. I no longer enter into the arguments, I just calmly state my position and keep doing so until she gives up. It is the best I can manage right now. It hurts. I mostly am focused on the kids, whom I fear will suffer more than I.

My wife acts in a very similar way to yours. About six months ago she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This was not a surprise to me, as I already suspected it to be the case. I can say from experience that neither of us wants to have the issues that we have. We both have our own baggage, and we each hurt in our own ways. Finding a way to bridge the gap (sometimes wide, sometimes not so wide) between how we each see the world is a freakin' huge challenge, but when it works, it is oh so worth it! All I can say is, keep trying, but don't give up your personal identity in the process.

One thing I refused to do is to entirely give up my friends or connections outside the marriage. I've also tried very hard to encourage my wife to make friends and develop friendships outside our marriage. If I die tomorrow, I want my wife to have an emotional support system.

Best of luck to you, Pincheyloveclaw.

aviyah
08-02-16, 02:55 PM
People ALWAYS underestimate my difficulties, whether it's my attention and memory problems or my anxiety
People who doesn't have it simply cannot comprehend this.

Pincheyloveclaw
08-03-16, 01:10 AM
While I am acutely aware what this is doing to my kids. At least I am able to show them love and- mostly- have a candid conversation about things from my perspective. What I fear to be worse would be to see them used as a bargaining chip for custody, money, control or revenge. That is the scenario I fear most. This, and the hope that she really has the right intentions at heart, is what keeps me hanging on. I am not in the best position if this comes to divorce so I need to work on that.
I looked up BPD and While there may be something to that, my therapist has had me read the book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward and it has really made me see things in a different light. What I read about BPD makes it out to be a lack of emotional control, whereas what I experience is more a form of active manipulation in which she seeks to be in control of pretty much everything. I will concede that it is possible she seeks this control in order to keep her unstable emotions in check. But she is also capable of significant feats of acting with her clients and acquaintances, and I feel I should be prepared for the worst. There is a considerable history of physical and psychological abuse in her family. It is my own fault that I always considered her the most normal one. Turns out she is probably just the most subtle, and I seem to have a thing for the hard luck ladies...
Add to that my Attention deficit that tends to create questionable and plausibly doubtful situations and it is easy for my anxiety to whip up some wonderful conspiracy theories. Back in my self-medicated days, we used to say: 'just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you'. I used to think that was just some funny __ to say when you're high. But now it seems like a piece of wisdom shrouded in stupidity that turns out to be a piece of stupidity shrouded in wisdom...damn., time to zip up; my ADD is showing again.

sarahsweets
08-03-16, 08:48 AM
Are you sure BPD is the answer? What about other disorders?

Pincheyloveclaw
08-03-16, 10:07 AM
No, I think BPD is not the answer, but having about 25 - 30 years of misdiagnosis under my own belt, I'm going to try and remain open.

Rockkso
08-11-16, 03:49 PM
I generally have very supportive friends and family. I was diagnosed six months ago and have been gradually telling people individually that I have it. Responses vary. My mom was very supportive and understanding - her only real concern was about me taking adderall because its a stimulant and my brother's problems with addiction. My sister was polite and understanding but I could tell she had some skepticism about ADHD-PI as a "legitimate" thing. The second I told my brother I had been diagnosed, his eyes lit up and he told me that it explained so many things about me as a child like my forgetfulness and inattentiveness (he meant this in a positive, understanding way).

It really depends on the person, their own level of knowledge of ADD, their pre-conceived notions, etc.

ADXP
09-01-16, 10:56 PM
Who believes in me or not has no relevance to me.

sarahsweets
09-02-16, 08:58 AM
I stopped caring years ago. They can f**k off.

pLE_StaR
09-04-16, 10:30 AM
Sadly dismissed by my Girlfriend pretty much. Similar for my tendency to overeat - "you're just a pig".
Ironically, she, from my point of view, in a few aspects suffers from very similar issues (not the eating) - for instance getting stuck into studying.
But for her the blame is on other factors, while for me "if you wanted to do it, you would".

On the points above - I would certainly agree on 'we teach others how they should treat us' - in this case because I tend to be very easy going and accepting, I've not challenged particularly, so ways in which she wouldn't dream of treating others seem to have stuck with me.

aeon
09-04-16, 12:38 PM
But for her the blame is on other factors, while for me "if you wanted to do it, you would".

If anyone said that to me they could go screw themselves, and I would show them the door.


Cheers,
Ian