View Full Version : Applying for jobs when you have anhedonia and general feelings of worthlessness


weaselish
05-20-16, 08:46 PM
It takes me forever to get one cover letter, resume, and application together. Contacting references and telling them to get ready is very, very, very stressful for me. I can only do about one every week or two, and even then, I am having breakdowns and fits. I have to imagine myself doing the job for a few days to be able to write a cover letter that I feel is sufficient, which is one that is absolutely perfect to compensate for my lack of job experience and (I'M SURE YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND THIS PART:) those cavernous voids in between menial labor positions and education I largely failed out of (but got my bachelor's somehow).

I don't feel like I apply for anything out of my league. Last week's job was for a grocery bagger or a shift manager.
I've asked multiple people if my generic resume and an old cover letter was weird, too interested, creepy, etc...they are great. "It's not the handshake I have a problem with..."

I really need help applying for more, because I am unemployed after a seasonal job and my self-esteem is so awful right now. I've never been able to look in the mirror, and I have a lot of self-hatred (just anxiety/ADHD right now, psych-wise, which is sort of surprising), but it is so bad that I break down crying now every day. I got off of lexapro last month (under supervision, followed all directions) when my job ended because it was making me zombie-like and I was sleeping all the time. Started a new med and had a horrible experience with vertigo, could not move for three weeks. I figure I would have been crying before for several years had I not been a total slumbering zombie.

Now I am still low-energy, still anhedonic (WHICH DOES NOT HELP WITH A JOB OR CAREER OR MAKING NEW FRIENDS, all of which I desperately need to be doing), and am so sad because I really thought that coming off of everything but adderall was going to make me have ambitions or at least any interest in anything whatsoever again.

Every time I write something good about myself, it is like telling another lie to the world. I feel incredibly guilty. I am fat. I am unhealthy and it is only getting worse (at least I got an appointment finally for that, had to jump through hoops for that, too). I have no interest in sex, so my 10-year relationship has basically ended for the last few years. I don't want kids. I don't want to get married. I do eventually want to move out but one of my parents is gonna die before that happens, anyway, so I am in no hurry.

I guess my question is, is there any person I can get to help me with this talking-up-of-oneself and job-getting? I would pay them. I guess it isn't as much self-doubt rather than I just cannot do this over and over again when I feel this horrible. I don't dwell on whether I'm employable -- I just have to get through the initial panic attacks and rages and I will do okay with any job once I get it (this is a point of optimism -- was finally able to get through all 4 months of a seasonal job with less than five sick days!! Almost all of my other ones were either temp jobs or I walked out during a panic attack or called and quit...and I was medicated and "stable" during all of those times. Now I am almost 30, and my parents were/are wealthy (for now), which I am extremely lucky for and is the only reason probably that I am not disabled yet...makes me feel even worse to be asking for help or advice when I am so privileged already).

sarahsweets
05-21-16, 05:27 AM
Weasle- (had to shorten it sorry) I am so sorry for your pain. I get it. I have been on disability for 12 years and the application for it and the shame and humiliation of it still haunts me. I have an English degree. Most people when they hear this think, "wow how lazy she is, you can do anything with an english degree" but they just dont get it when it comes to impairments. They have adhd coaches although they are expensive. Did you ever pursue higher education? A lot of those community colleges have services available to help with resume and job searches. Are you being treated for your depression? Sometimes meds can save your life this way.
Remember: You are NOT- lazy,crazy,useless,worthless,unworthy,unlovable,te rrible,horrible,cruel,selfish,evil,mean, dumb,horrid,bland,boring or insignificant.
You are human.
You have flaws.
You have gifts.

acdc01
05-21-16, 09:42 AM
I've always had difficulties applying for jobs too. Hiring someone to help you is a great idea. Body doubles where someone is sitting next to me has been the only way I've ever been able to get myself to apply.

If you can find someone at your old school or employment office that's great. Or What about hiring a tutor to be your body double. One who specializes in english preferably. Maybe they can even do some of your job hunting work for you like my sister used to by helping me search for potential jobs. English major could help with the writing.

Chicky75
05-21-16, 10:05 AM
Are you in the U.S.? If so, there are One Stop Career Centers (careeronestop.org) that can help you with finding a job. These used to be the unemployment offices, but they've been reorganized and expanded to offer a lot more career services than just helping with unemployment applications, usually including one on one career coaching.

KarmanMonkey
05-27-16, 03:10 PM
In my return to work I had to go for little steps; easy wins... Each one of those built my confidence and gave me practice.

I started with a couple hours of volunteer work a week, then I added in classes, and committee work, and an internship... Then suddenly I'm doing more than 40 hours a week, even though it's stuff I'm unpaid for.

A lot of my self-doubt and lousy self esteem was rebuilt slowly through these opportunities. Before taking that journey I don't think I would've succeeded in my current job even if it had been handed to me on a silver platter. I needed to prove to myself that I was capable.

Pilgrim
05-31-16, 12:30 AM
Go for short walks.

psychopathetic
05-31-16, 01:09 AM
Holy heck...I relate with so much here!
The difficulties with getting applications in.
The crippling self-hatred.
Low Energy.
Being overweight.
Feeling TONS of guilt because I feel bad because so many others have it way worse than I do.

((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))

Sending you a big e-(((hug))) because you really sound like you could use it!

My initial thought was Voc. Rehab. But I think you've gotta have social security disability in order to use their services. But they do just what you're looking for...they help people with disabilities find meaningful employment...and they strive to actually land you a job you'll actually stick with. They'll even pay for any special training, equipment or higher education you'd need in order to be prepared for employment.
It's a really neat program really.
You might want to look them up in your area, and see if they couldn't do anything for you? Though now that I'm thinking about it, I'm at least 90% sure you have to be classified as disabled to use them :(.

I am glad you've got a roof over your head and food to eat. I get the shame of that though :(.
I've been on disability for 10+ years now, and sometimes the guilt eats me alive. I feel so bad sometimes for not "earning my living". And to the outside world, I look normal...so I think it's really hard for people to understand why I'm not out there working. It's just very frustrating, very embarrassing, and really brings me a lot of shame.

I wish I had some answers for you.
I guess I'm just here saying...I relate! You're not alone!! You're not a horrible person :( ...you suffer and are disabled and even though most can never understand...there's plenty of us who DO.

((((((((((((((Weaselish))))))))))))))