View Full Version : He only reacts at home


Remember79
05-23-16, 07:32 AM
Dear All

Approximately 6 years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD and I suspect that at least my middle child has inherited the disorder .

He has, among other things, a very low level of frustration and he has difficulty controlling his emotions . It is very hard for the whole family.
The problem is that my son does not respond other than with me and his grandparents. He is very well behaved in school and with his father (we are divorced) with whom he lives with 5 out of 14 days.

My son is like me when I was a child. I could hide my emotions very well outside the house but at home I would react. I think the same goes for my son. He reacts where is feels most safe.

But how can I inform people that the problem not necessarily lies with me? Is there any articles about this topic that any of you can refer to? And is there any of you who can recognize this?

TygerSan
05-23-16, 07:47 AM
That was me as a child. I was perfectly behaved in school and in public. But home was my safe place to vent, cry, and melt down.

The Explosive Child by Ross Greene might have some strategies for helping prevent meltdowns.

Lunacie
05-23-16, 10:01 AM
Kids use up all their energy trying to do their best at school. They don't have much trying left in them when they get home.

I'm the same if I've been out shopping, there is too much noise and too much light and too many people. I need some quiet me time when I get home.

We've found that an after school snack helps my granddaughter restore her energy levels, along with a little quiet me time on the computer is helpful.

willow129
05-23-16, 11:01 AM
gosh honestly this is me as an adult!!! :P ;)

bluejay14
05-23-16, 11:53 AM
I can relate. My daughter's (presumed) ADHD symptoms are always way more noticeable at home, or around people she feels comfortable with. Even when she was quite young she was able to keep a lid on the worst of it at school. She might be a bit chatty/bouncy there, but they never saw the rages/meltdowns. She saved those for me ;)
She's 13 now and it's the same although the signs are different. She's much more noisy and impulsive at home. Whereas at school her social anxiety kicks in and she's shy/withdrawn. I think a lot of kids behave quite differently in different settings - doesn't mean they don't show signs of ADHD in both settings, but they might be quite different signs, or be more subtle in the school setting (so schools don't always recognise them).

Little Missy
05-23-16, 12:18 PM
gosh honestly this is me as an adult!!! :P ;)

me too, all fine and dandy at other places but I get home and it becomes a free for all.

stef
05-23-16, 12:24 PM
If I ever had any meltdowns, it was strictly at home, and mostly with my Mom.

And even now it's the same, for example after a rough day at work the mere suggestion of "maybe you should add some salt" as I'm cooking dinner, will get a reaction like THANK YOU BUT I KNOW HOW TO COOK. STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO
*family backs out of kitchen quietly...*

bluejay14
05-23-16, 01:47 PM
And even now it's the same, for example after a rough day at work the mere suggestion of "maybe you should add some salt" as I'm cooking dinner, will get a reaction like THANK YOU BUT I KNOW HOW TO COOK. STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO
*family backs out of kitchen quietly...*

:goodpost: I'm so glad it's not just me who does that :lol:

gracelight935
05-27-16, 07:47 PM
It can be difficult, balancing life with your son and trying to help other understand. Try not to focus so much on what they think... encourage them to do some reading on it themselves and get back to taking care of your son. And don't forget to care for yourself, too- unwinding yourself is the best thing you can do for your son. Hang in there!

Shamindo
06-10-16, 11:51 PM
I have this same problem, except I think it is because my ADHD is clashing with his that causes my son to be emotional. At school, very strucutured with consistent consequences and rewards....at home not so much. I do try but it's hard for me to have structure. The more strict i am with routines and time limits the better he is...unfortunately I can't always keep that going. But at school he's a dream.

psychopathetic
06-11-16, 02:12 AM
I had a TON of anger issues as a kid too...and it was always just with my mom, at home. I'd never get worked up or explode that I remember anywhere else.
But I use to get so angry that I'd black out.
It got so out of control when I was around 11, that my parents had to call the police to come pick me up...I was put in a holding cell for 8 or 9 days...then shipped off to a lock down boy's facility where I had individual therapy 5 days a week and group therapy with other boys my age 7 days a week. We ate at the facility and did all our homework there as well.
Was there almost 2 years.

The thing that really made me mad back then...still makes me super mad to think about...is that my mom played so freaking innocent the entire time. She made the whole world believe I was some kind of monstrous angry person, and that she was a complete victim in the situation. She NEVER owned up to her part. She always failed to mention how angry she herself was all the time, and how she'd hunt me down to pick arguments that had no reason to exist, and how she'd start bickering at me about everything non-stop till all I felt was rage inside.
No. She was a perfect little angel who was nothing but sugar and roses. And I was the angry a-hole who was out of control and it was all on me.

But how can I inform people that the problem not necessarily lies with me?This just triggered something in me. Sadness. Bitterness. This is the kind of thing my mom was constantly looking for. Even my dad was never on my side. She always twisted everything into being 100% on me to the point where my dad was always against me...always taking my mom's side. He was always telling me how I had NO respect for him and my mom, and how disapointed in me he was. Always trying to explain my mom's behaviors away.
Of course she had no involvement in my explosions. I just became angry and exploded and put a hole in the wall for no reason. It had nothing to do with her copping a super arrogant, angry attitude, and hunting me down to shout at me for not leaving my shoes by the door where they belonged. Then going on and on and on about another million things I wasn't doing right. No, I was just suppose to sit there and take the full brunt of her anger and have no reaction to it. My poor, poor mom.
Why is it that my mom gets to be so freaking angry all the time...and be SO confrontational...and that's all okay. But the second someone shows even a slight bit of anger back to her, or tries to argue with her...or god forbid actually confront her...she breaks down into a big victim and acts like we're monsters?
How is that okay? I don't get that and it makes me so freaking mad.

She was always looking for ways to twist things around to be my fault.

/sigh

F*** you mom.

I'm sorry for going off here.
I just feel for your son even though I know nothing of your situation.
I wish I would've had people stick up for me back then. Why was everyone so against? /sad

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I do want to say I love my mom. I harbor a TON of resentment for her...always probably will...and her and I still clash and get into fights with each other to this day...but she really has done a lot for me. She's always willing to go out of her way to help me. She's also the kind of person I can go to when I do something really wrong, and just open up with and feel safe in doing so.
We're just both HIGHLY dysfunctional. But...I really do love her.

Another thing about the boy's lock down facility I went to.
In the end...I'm glad I went. I think it may have screwed me up socially (I developed severe social anxieties when I got out)...but it also saved me. I was started to play around with drugs and alcohol and hanging with some very bad crowds right before I was taken. I think had I not had that intervention, my life would've turned out a whole lot darker than it currently is. Heck...I might not even still be alive!
The facility stopped me from going down some very dark paths in life...and for that I'm forever grateful.

badwolf616
07-19-16, 10:48 AM
my son is the same way. hes 4 and in preschool and hes the sweetest kid at school but then he gets home and hes a holy terror. ive told his teachers all about my adhd and how i suspect he likely has it and they just dont see the signs. im like seriously? i should video tape his meltdowns for them to see

sarahsweets
07-19-16, 11:32 AM
my son is the same way. hes 4 and in preschool and hes the sweetest kid at school but then he gets home and hes a holy terror. ive told his teachers all about my adhd and how i suspect he likely has it and they just dont see the signs. im like seriously? i should video tape his meltdowns for them to see

Ignore the educators. Right now its not their job. Find a good doctor and start the process. My son was diagnosed when he was 3.5 and medication at age 4. I took a lot of crap about me being lazy or a bad parent or having a bad kid. While it might not be common for kids to be diagnosed at age 4, it is possible and supported in the DSMV.