View Full Version : Only one from church small group not invited to wedding


jashley
05-30-16, 01:05 PM
I am so upset, a couple at my church and in my small group got married and had this wedding and invited everyone from my small group except me. I know this because I saw pictures of everyone from my small group at the wedding.

This was after I talked to my pastor about whether it was open invite bc I didnt get an invitation and he said it was invitation only and that I wasnt the only one not invited. But looking at the pictures I see that isnt true.

So then I messaged him and told him I saw everyone from small group that goes regurarly there. He listed a few names of people that weren't invited, but they don't come very often (with the exception of this one guy and this girl who just started coming a few few months ago). That doesnt matter to me because I have been going regularly, Im a girl and have been going for a long time and I was the only one out of the group of girls that goes regurarly that isnt new that was not invited.

That is what makes me feel like there is something wrong with me because I was the only girlone out of the core group not invited, like do they have something against me or does somebody else in the group have something against me and they wanted them there and didnt want them feeling uncomfortable around me? I dont know. But I was the only girl who has been coming a year that attends regurarly that wasn't invited.

I had specifically asked him before the wedding if there were other people that go regurarly to small group that weren't invited and he said a whole bunch. One guy and one new person isn't a whole bunch. Why would he say this? And why was I the only girl that attends regurarly not invited? And he had access to the guest list to know who was invited? Why would he know the guest list? He was officiating the wedding, but still, does the officiant usually know the guest list?

Little Missy
05-30-16, 06:32 PM
I am very, very sorry this happened to you.

If this happened to me I would never go back to that church again. The lying behavior of that pastor is the most despicable of all.

ginniebean
05-30-16, 06:44 PM
To be charitable, and it's not easy, the pastor is not the person who does the inviting. I imagine your question makes him feel awkward and guilty.

That being said, you were indirectly asking him is there a problem with you. That is a good question to ask. And you deserve not to be blown off or made to feel you're being over-sensitive when clearly you are not.

I think I'm with Stef, i'd be looking for a different church. Sorry

Socaljaxs
05-30-16, 07:26 PM
You may want to look into different small church groups or a new location all together... This group may not be a good fit for you.. Nothing against you, but it may just be an in incapatable group for you which happens often for many people...'

Also the people that got married how close would you assume you are to either the bride or groom? It may have nothing to do with you personally. Weddings are expensive and each person has a cost associated with them when they attend. It could just be a dollar thing.. If there were people that attended that have never spoken to them before then idk but as far as wedding invites each person gets costly and people get cut from list based purely on that alone

Little Missy
05-30-16, 08:39 PM
I am very, very sorry this happened to you.

If this happened to me I would never go back to that church again. The lying behavior of that pastor is the most despicable of all.

But, you can also choose to rise to the occasion and hold your head high, and be polite to everyone, never mentioning your hurt. There is a big difference between friends and acquaintances.

TygerSan
05-30-16, 09:48 PM
I am so sorry this happened to you. I am very sensitive to exclusion and rejection and if this happened to me, my feelings would be very, very hurt.

It's hard to determine from what you wrote whether your pastor lied to you or was just trying to soften the blow/make you feel better about the whole situation.

Weddings and wedding invites are awkward as all get-out. They are also expensive. I swore up and down after witnessing a couple of people trying to juggle logistics that if there was one thing I would try my level best not to take personally, a wedding-invite snub would be it.

That said, I get the distinct impression that this is *not* the first time something like this has happened with this group of friends, which to me makes this a vastly different issue.

The pastor-- he might not be as tapped into your small-group as you think he his (he has a lot of other stuff going on also, including officiating the wedding). He might not have had a good sense of who was invited and who wasn't.

Do you have a good relationship with him? Does he have office hours where you could drop in and talk to him one-on-one in a time frame where he's able to give you his full attention? Do you feel comfortable enough to bring up what you said above to him in that type of situation? I wouldn't ask him to mediate between you and the other members of the group, but just let him know that you felt excluded and hurt.

Is there another small group you could join? Are there other groups you could join within (or outside of) the church? It might be time to start looking at other groups of friends; if this was an intentional snub, then that's a pretty cruel thing to do. :(

stef
05-31-16, 02:10 AM
To be charitable, and it's not easy, the pastor is not the person who does the inviting. I imagine your question makes him feel awkward and guilty.

That being said, you were indirectly asking him is there a problem with you. That is a good question to ask. And you deserve not to be blown off or made to feel you're being over-sensitive when clearly you are not.

I think I'm with Stef, i'd be looking for a different church. Sorry

Um, that was Missy not me
But i totally agree with her and ginnie!

Fuzzy12
05-31-16, 07:38 AM
I don't deal well with rejection or even perceived rejection and something like this would hurt me terribly as well. I'm sorry you've had to experience this. I agree with Tyger that the priest was probably trying to soften the blow or make you feel less bad about it rather than misguide you and weddings are terribly expensive so sometimes people feel they need to make harsh decisions, I guess. Anyway, if you think you might be more comfortable or more accepted in another group, if possible, it might be good to change. :grouphug:

TheFitFatty
06-01-16, 03:24 AM
You've posted about this group before. I really think you need to look for a new church. When I was young I hung out with a group of girls who made me feel like absolute crap and made fun of me for everything. To this day it effects me. Cut your losses, tell yourself you deserve real friends and move on. *hugs*

sarahsweets
06-02-16, 05:07 AM
If you believed that God is everywhere then God will be at another church.

Tetrahedra
06-06-16, 06:58 PM
Unfortunately churches are full of people, and people are full of humanity. In other words, just because it's a church doesn't mean that people won't be exclusive or hurt others' feelings (whether intentional or not). I've had experiences in church settings that fell into the same situation: people are elitist or exclude others or aren't as welcoming as one would expect given the setting.

You're hurt, which is understandable. I'd be hurt, too, if I were in that situation. But before you can determine if this was something that was done intentionally (and therefore indicates that you should find another small group to join), consider...

- How many people were invited to the wedding, and how many people are in your small group. There's a difference between inviting 3 of 4 people in the small group to a wedding of 12 guests than inviting 19 of 20 people in a small group to a wedding of 200 guests. Make sense?

- Your pastor very likely didn't know the details or was trying to be kind to you. You put him in an awkward position, and most people aren't going to be blunt enough to say, Yeah sorry you're the only one not invited.

- How close you are with the bride and/or groom. Were they part of your group, or did you know them as a friend of a friend?

- Weddings are crazy affairs. Sometimes it's not the bride and groom choosing who to invite, but relatives who are paying for the wedding. It sounds crazy, but sometimes to keep the peace, the couple have to relinquish some power to their parents/grandparents/whoever.

Not everybody fits in every group, and that doesn't mean that any individual is a bad person or hates anybody else. It just means that people are different, see things differently, and communicate differently. I hope that you learn something positive from this experience, and that you bounce back and either continue to enjoy your church or find somewhere that makes you happy.

anonymouslyadd
06-06-16, 07:23 PM
I'm sorry this happened to you. I'd be devastated.

jashley
06-07-16, 08:24 PM
Unfortunately churches are full of people, and people are full of humanity. In other words, just because it's a church doesn't mean that people won't be exclusive or hurt others' feelings (whether intentional or not). I've had experiences in church settings that fell into the same situation: people are elitist or exclude others or aren't as welcoming as one would expect given the setting.

You're hurt, which is understandable. I'd be hurt, too, if I were in that situation. But before you can determine if this was something that was done intentionally (and therefore indicates that you should find another small group to join), consider...

- How many people were invited to the wedding, and how many people are in your small group. There's a difference between inviting 3 of 4 people in the small group to a wedding of 12 guests than inviting 19 of 20 people in a small group to a wedding of 200 guests. Make sense?

- Your pastor very likely didn't know the details or was trying to be kind to you. You put him in an awkward position, and most people aren't going to be blunt enough to say, Yeah sorry you're the only one not invited.

- How close you are with the bride and/or groom. Were they part of your group, or did you know them as a friend of a friend?

- Weddings are crazy affairs. Sometimes it's not the bride and groom choosing who to invite, but relatives who are paying for the wedding. It sounds crazy, but sometimes to keep the peace, the couple have to relinquish some power to their parents/grandparents/whoever.

Not everybody fits in every group, and that doesn't mean that any individual is a bad person or hates anybody else. It just means that people are different, see things differently, and communicate differently. I hope that you learn something positive from this experience, and that you bounce back and either continue to enjoy your church or find somewhere that makes you happy.

There are 20 people in my small group and 18 of them got invited
and this was a wedding of 200 people