View Full Version : OMG will I ever get the guts to make him leave?


AbundanceAbound
06-02-16, 01:54 AM
Hi everyone. This is a rant so you are free to click back and ignore.

I am hurting terribly, but see no end in sight. I've been with my ADD boyfriend for over 2 1/2 years. Overall he is a good man and a grown-up, which is a big deal. We are both turning 52 this year. He's been diagnosed ADD for years and is on Adderal (though not enough IMO). I've read every book there is on ADD. We also work for the same company and since Aug. of last year, have worked in the same office, 30 feet apart. We have lived together for approx. 1 1/2 years in my house. He was in an apartment previously.

I am about to die. What should have just been an FWB thing is now a live-in thing, and I am about to die. He is suffocating, and I have no life. I have gained 40 pounds since we've met. (I was a cool looking, sexy MILF type till now.) My health has gone downhill terribly since we met, mostly because he says he wants to do things like walking and exercising, but never has the energy to do so, so I sit there waiting on him and the day goes by and we lose the opportunity to do anything. He's more than 100 pounds overweight. All we do is sit around and drink and look at Facebook. This is NOT the life I want to live.

I started going to counseling in Jan/Feb and of course the counselor said that for my own health that we need to separate. My BF wanted to come to the sessions so he did, but it felt like he and the counselor ganged up on me, saying that I did not know what I want, etc. i know EXACTLY what I want, but I am too nice to just make him go, since he is a good guy and most of our issues have to do with ADD, so I have to give him a 'bye.'

He IS a good guy, but I am miserable. He smothers me, he is ALWAYS right (even when he isn't), my health has been wrecked since we became serious, and even he acknowledges all this, but he won't make any steps to move out. It is my house and he has it MADE (he pays rent to me and I am grateful he does) since all the daily chores are taken care of by me. Of COURSE he doesn't want to leave. He has it made. He is not under a psyche care at the moment and gets his GP to write him his Adderall. He says he's going to see a psyche but of course he's not.

If he was a monster, that would be easy, but he is not. I do still enjoy his company although we have not had sex in months. I might want to "date" him again if we were not living together but at this point, sex is the furthest thing from my mind. I just want him to leave, but he won't. He came from an apartment and he says he wants a house and does not want to move into an apartment again, which I can totally understand. We are not kids. But that means he has to save for a downpayment, which he really is not. So I bite my tongue and just pray that he will leave so I can have my life back again.

It was logical for him to move in with me, saving him money, etc., and I figured it was the mature, good thing to do. I should have run screaming to the hills, but I was trying to be logical. I just lost my three day weekend entertaining his son, D-I-L, and 2yo granddaughter, who did not even bother to say "Hey, this is a nice house" even though I was the one who mopped and dusted and cleaned up the room that they stayed in because it was previously strewn with my BF's clothes because he uses it like a closet. Yes, BF appreciated it but I am sick of being the only one who knows how to keep a schedule or clean up and I DON'T EVEN LIKE KIDS yet I was stuck with his granddaughter for 2+ days in my decidedly not kid-friendly house and car (oh yes, I had to drive us around because BF has a sports car that would not fit us all.)

He agreed in the hijacked counseling sessions that our living together was killing me, but that does not mean he's doing anything about it. WILL HE EVER LEAVE? He acknowledges all the shortcomings and issues with living with someone with ADD, but it still hurts and is still killing me inside. My close friends all say that I am not "me" anymore, and even my BF says that I am not the girl he fell in love with. But even so, his comfort is too much to leave, even though he knows it is killing me inside. I am not me, I am a shell. But as long as he has a garage for his stupid car, I guess that's more important. :-(

psychopathetic
06-02-16, 02:21 AM
Omg :( :( :(

(((((((Abundance)))))))

Sending you a big e-(((hug)))!

I have no advice. I've never been in a serious relationship...so I feel kinda like an idiot for even posting...

But I did read this, and I am glad you posted this. I'm such a strong believer in venting...especially when you can vent to a live audience that wont judge you or put you down. (support forums like this one are great for this!).

I really don't know the right thing to say here, and I'm afraid that any advice I attempt to give will mess things up more than they'd help lol...

But I do want to say, that you have to take care of yourself! It's amazing that you love your boyfriend as much as you do (which it's very clear that you do love him VERY much!)...but I don't want you to have to suffer so greatly just to try to keep him pleased and to keep him content in his life.
Your life, your feelings, your dreams...they're all so important. I hate that they're being stiffed in your current condition. That's no way to live :(.

What can you do about it? I don't know :(. And again, I'm afraid to give advice, or to share my opinions cause I just don't want to mess things up. I'm a chicken lol.

I am so glad you typed this up though. I don't know if it felt good to type up...but at least you got it out.
Maybe you can continue to come and vent here...maybe it'll help you gather your thoughts and help you start developing plans.

Also...hopefully someone who's actually got experience with relationships and is much wiser (and much less of a chicken! hehe) will come along and have some good advice that can help.

((((((((((((((Big Hugs))))))))))))))

I am so sorry that you're in such a stifling situation :(

ginniebean
06-02-16, 02:38 AM
Gather your courage. It's ok to be a good person and even a nice person
You can't always be nice, sadly so. Take your life back.

Hope this doesn't affect your work.

You know what you want and you know what you have to do. Take care of yourself!

Fuzzy12
06-02-16, 03:54 AM
It doesn't sound as if he will ever leave. Not on his own account. Do you want to break up with him (which might be the easiest at this stage) or do you just want him to move out but stay together?

Either way the current situation isn't tenable and he is not going to change it irrespective of how much he cares for you. Maybe he can't. So you need to. You'll still be a good person but of you continue as you are you will just loathe and resent him more and waste precious years of your life.

sarahsweets
06-02-16, 04:11 AM
If you said that you were breaking up and that you wanted him to move out would he refuse? Like literally refuse to leave? If thats the case then in the use you will have to go through the legal system to evict him. That means finding out the laws in your state and giving him legal thirty days notice to leave. If after that thirty days he doesnt leave then the police can remove him. I know that this is the hard way to do things I am just trying to look at it from a life or death angle. You want him to go and if he refuses, this is how you will have to get him to physically leave your house.
Forget that he is a good guy, because he is not. If he was, then he would understand that you are suffering and be willing to change through his actions. Bad guys dont have to be physically and emotionally abusive a-holes, they can be guys who just dont have your best interests at heart.
I do worry about your job though. Who worked their first? Will he be someone who will spread your business all around the office?

stef
06-02-16, 04:16 AM
Maybe as a first step you could start doing the things you want, at home.
don't wait around for him to exercise, just go out!

Free to Fly
06-02-16, 09:43 AM
This is not going to get better. Wise advice above, especially about the rent. You don't want to end up on Judge Judy. I would suggest starting an account, so when he says he can't afford the first/last/deposit, you walk into the apt office with him, and give them the money. We easily spend that much on coffee and meds in a year, just an rx for your health.

AbundanceAbound
06-02-16, 11:43 AM
Hello Sarah.
Thank you for your reply and concern. No, it is not a situation where police or the law would have to get involved. It's just me being a coward and also trying to give him the time he needs to save for a downpayment on a house, etc. Please don't be concerned that it is anything dangerous or scary. I did not mean to have it sound that way at all. He is NOT a bad guy; he just loves me that much and wants things to work out and yes, he is comfortable here. We get along very well. We just should have stayed FWB and not gotten this serious. But because he was a grownup who actually pays his way (not easy to find) I wanted to make it work.

As for our work, we both work for a huge company and we have separate bosses though my dept works with his. He was there first and has the most understanding boss (understanding of his always being late, etc.), but I am NOT leaving. I worked too hard to get where I'm at and work is going too well for me to consider leaving. While he would not do anything at work to cause any problems, it would just be awkward. We work together very well and I'd hate to lose that.

Thanks again!

BellaVita
06-02-16, 02:50 PM
Wow - that sounds like it's hurting you deeply.

:grouphug:

Since he is paying rent - it sounds like you would then be the landlord. Have you thought about giving an eviction notice? It's a bit harsh, but it would get the job done.

Don't be with someone who makes you suffer. It hurts all involved. Perhaps I missed it - but it wasn't clear to me if you have actually asked him (not hinted to him) to move out? It sounds like he has family he could stay with if he can't find a place right away. You could phrase it in a clear way - that you need him to move out, that you aren't sure if there might be a future with him or not, but that your physical and mental health are being strongly badly affected and this isn't something to negotiate about.

Just letting you know - often those who have ADHD don't "get" hints. You have to be clear and no vagueness.

Also - it sounds like your needs are not getting met. One way to tell is that you sound under appreciated for all the things you do around the house. If you ever decide to get back into a relationship with him - I think it's important to have a long talk about needs. I recommend the book 5 Love Languages - it's a great read and I think everyone could benefit from reading it. Even just if to help yourself and understand your needs better.

You need to be strong and put your foot down. Don't just keep letting this happen - take whatever measures needed to get him out.

BellaVita
06-02-16, 02:53 PM
Maybe as a first step you could start doing the things you want, at home.
don't wait around for him to exercise, just go out!

Yes to this! :goodpost:

designnbake
06-02-16, 08:20 PM
It may be time to redefine "nice guy"...
If he knows he is the reason for your failing health, yet refuses to do something about it…is he really a nice guy? Is he treating you with respect knowing he could help your health improve? It might be a good idea to reevaluate your boundaries and see where you need to improve. Blessings

Daydreamin22
06-02-16, 09:28 PM
Definitely don't wait around for him. Go walking on your own. Why do you feel like you have to wait for him?

psychopathetic
06-02-16, 09:32 PM
I for one believe her when she says he's a nice guy. I don't question it.
Maybe I'm a bit biased here as I'm a guy myself?

But I don't agree with a couple of you on thinking he's a bad person/guy here. But that's just my opinion :p.

To me he sounds stuck. I'd think most of us here have experience with that. Getting stuck in life. Settling. Having a hell of a lot of issues finding the motivation to aspire to more.

I don't think he's meaning to put Abundance in misserary. If he was...then yeah, I'd consider him a bad guy right along with you guys. But I don't think he's meaning to. He's got ADHD and is struggling.

And that's why it's such a difficult thing I think. Or a major reason. If he was a bad guy...it'd be a lot easier to dump him and move on.
But she loves him, and all things considered, he seems like a pretty decent guy...so it's incredibly difficult to confront him.

...Okay, sorry. I'm rambling.
I'm just saying that I don't agree with us jumping down the guy's throat and calling him a bad dude here.

Fuzzy12
06-03-16, 01:22 AM
I agree with psycho. He might have the best of intentions but not be able to follow through irespective of how much he cares or wants to. I've been there. It sucks.

And like psycho says this just makes it more difficult to leave but then road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Op you should leave or make him leave if he's really a decent guy he will want you to do what's best for you and not ruin your health.

And also what stef said don't wait around for him. Just try and do your own thing as much as possible

BellaVita
06-03-16, 06:41 PM
I also agree with psycho - I almost wrote something about it but couldn't find the right words.

You worded it very well.

Still, I think for the sake of not hurting both of them even more by letting the situation on and on - I think she needs to tell him how this is hurting her, that he needs to move out, and there might still be hope for a future - but that she needs time to herself and space and room to get her life back where she wants it.

It's not fair to her to be with someone who makes her miserable.

It's also not fair to him to be with someone who dislikes being with him.

It'll be less hurt for all involved IMO to get this dealt with and for the couple to part ways(at least for now).

Socaljaxs
06-04-16, 11:04 AM
Since he has paid you rent yes as other said you are his landlord.. Look up your states eviction process as well. Sadly things may come to that. But you need to set a date for him to vacate and tell him this say. 90 days and follow up with it in writing. You could even be really nice and take the rent he gives you and deposit it for him to help him out...

Telling him to move and saying you have x date to leave are two very different things. Tell him the truth tell him that you feel this way and try to have a conversation free of blame but with the communication of you feel suffocated and find that this arrangement as it is doesn't work

Myohmy
06-05-16, 02:15 AM
First of all I'm sorry for the miserable situation you have been described . For myself being a man of ADHD,I can tell what bothers you both the most which I think you are being destroyed mentally and physically.Not just lack of respect but lack of intimacy also.But have you ever take the initiative to break him up or just go outside look for another man? I mean two-timing. If the other guy can actually fulfill your need your BF can't give then why not? In the article you said you still enjoy his company then what do you complain for? I guess that your BF must be a very good guy among your colleagues even working with you and you just not satisfied with his character of being a lover.I think that's how thing's going and you should take my suggestions seriously.
At last ,how do you find this ADHD forum? If it is his idea of making you more released and comfortable after reading those topics then it is positive.Otherwise,it is barely possible to change him by yourself,I mean never.

Little Nut
06-05-16, 01:09 PM
Hi everyone. This is a rant so you are free to click back and ignore.

I am hurting terribly, but see no end in sight. I've been with my ADD boyfriend for over 2 1/2 years. Overall he is a good man and a grown-up, which is a big deal. We are both turning 52 this year. He's been diagnosed ADD for years and is on Adderal (though not enough IMO). I've read every book there is on ADD. We also work for the same company and since Aug. of last year, have worked in the same office, 30 feet apart. We have lived together for approx. 1 1/2 years in my house. He was in an apartment previously.

I am about to die. What should have just been an FWB thing is now a live-in thing, and I am about to die. He is suffocating, and I have no life. I have gained 40 pounds since we've met. (I was a cool looking, sexy MILF type till now.) My health has gone downhill terribly since we met, mostly because he says he wants to do things like walking and exercising, but never has the energy to do so, so I sit there waiting on him and the day goes by and we lose the opportunity to do anything. He's more than 100 pounds overweight. All we do is sit around and drink and look at Facebook. This is NOT the life I want to live.

I started going to counseling in Jan/Feb and of course the counselor said that for my own health that we need to separate. My BF wanted to come to the sessions so he did, but it felt like he and the counselor ganged up on me, saying that I did not know what I want, etc. i know EXACTLY what I want, but I am too nice to just make him go, since he is a good guy and most of our issues have to do with ADD, so I have to give him a 'bye.'

He IS a good guy, but I am miserable. He smothers me, he is ALWAYS right (even when he isn't), my health has been wrecked since we became serious, and even he acknowledges all this, but he won't make any steps to move out. It is my house and he has it MADE (he pays rent to me and I am grateful he does) since all the daily chores are taken care of by me. Of COURSE he doesn't want to leave. He has it made. He is not under a psyche care at the moment and gets his GP to write him his Adderall. He says he's going to see a psyche but of course he's not.

If he was a monster, that would be easy, but he is not. I do still enjoy his company although we have not had sex in months. I might want to "date" him again if we were not living together but at this point, sex is the furthest thing from my mind. I just want him to leave, but he won't. He came from an apartment and he says he wants a house and does not want to move into an apartment again, which I can totally understand. We are not kids. But that means he has to save for a downpayment, which he really is not. So I bite my tongue and just pray that he will leave so I can have my life back again.

It was logical for him to move in with me, saving him money, etc., and I figured it was the mature, good thing to do. I should have run screaming to the hills, but I was trying to be logical. I just lost my three day weekend entertaining his son, D-I-L, and 2yo granddaughter, who did not even bother to say "Hey, this is a nice house" even though I was the one who mopped and dusted and cleaned up the room that they stayed in because it was previously strewn with my BF's clothes because he uses it like a closet. Yes, BF appreciated it but I am sick of being the only one who knows how to keep a schedule or clean up and I DON'T EVEN LIKE KIDS yet I was stuck with his granddaughter for 2+ days in my decidedly not kid-friendly house and car (oh yes, I had to drive us around because BF has a sports car that would not fit us all.)

He agreed in the hijacked counseling sessions that our living together was killing me, but that does not mean he's doing anything about it. WILL HE EVER LEAVE? He acknowledges all the shortcomings and issues with living with someone with ADD, but it still hurts and is still killing me inside. My close friends all say that I am not "me" anymore, and even my BF says that I am not the girl he fell in love with. But even so, his comfort is too much to leave, even though he knows it is killing me inside. I am not me, I am a shell. But as long as he has a garage for his stupid car, I guess that's more important. :-(

I bet the BF regularly reads this forum. If not or the name is too subtle, send him a link to your post. It should get the discussion started.

ginniebean
06-07-16, 03:21 AM
Myohmy.... ugh... just ugh..

ADHDWife&Mom
06-07-16, 11:51 AM
Im sorry you are dealing with this. It seems like you are not sure you want him to leave. It seems like you are hoping he will change.

Here is my 2 cents:
Stop waiting around for him. Go and do the things you want to do. If he wants to do things with you make a plan ahead of time and wait 10mins and if he isnt ready get started without him. If you want to walk together, put it on the calendar. Does he have a smartphone? They are awesome for people with ADHD because they will remind them of things. Put it on his calendar with an alarm to alert him 15mins ahead of time and then give him about 10 mins after start time and then just go. If he isnt ready, waiting around for him isnt going to make him move faster. Maybe if you go without him a few times he will realize that you arent just going to sit around waiting for him and he will make a point to actually be ready on time. Make it as easy as possible for him with reminders but dont just sit around waiting.

Go and do the things you want to do and leave him at home. I have learned that trying to get a person with ADHD to do the things you are interested in is very difficult. Either you can not do the things you want so you can spend your time watching them do the things they enjoy or you can leave them to their hobbies and go out and do your own thing. He obviously is not interested in getting healthy, he may say that he is because he wants to be but he isnt ready to start working on it. If he isnt focused on it, it will just be a thing that happens once in a while when he basically forces himself to do it. It will make it harder for you to do it with him than on your own.
If you truly want him to leave just tell him to leave. If he is living in your home and you have no lease agreement and you tell him to leave he has to leave. It seems like you havent actually told him to leave, you are just hoping he gets the message and decides to leave on his own. Is that the case? If it is, that may never happen. Most likely he doesnt even know you are unhappy. Even if you talked to him about how you are feeling he probably doesnt get the connection that you actually want him to leave. He has heard what you want from him and maybe he is trying to be better for you and failing or maybe he has totally forgotten that you said anything or maybe he has it in the back of his mind that you need things from him but he is focused on something he feels is more pressing at the moment. Ive found that you need to be very clear with people with ADHD, if you are expecting them to get your hints, it probably wont happen. If you are saying change or leave then he will probably try to change but only for as long as he can focus on it which will be a pretty short amount of time. Be clear if you want him to leave and get the police involved if he refuses to leave. If you want him to stay and change then you will be in for a long road. Change yourself first, do the things you want in life and he can come along for your ride instead of you sitting around watching him do his thing. Sometimes if people are apart and find their own interests then the time they spend apart makes the time together more valuable. If you are off doing things you love all day maybe when you get home he will drop what he is doing to come spend time with you. If he knows you are sitting around the house all day waiting on him he has no reason to stop his interests to get your attention, he already has it constantly.

I hope you are able to make a decision that makes you happy.

ToneTone
06-07-16, 12:29 PM
Sounds like (and I know this sounds so self-helpy) you have lost your voice. You admit that you are really "nice."

There are books out there on the dangers of being too "nice." (I've read several regarding "nice" guys) ... the bottom line is "nice" is not the same as kind. Often the people we call nice are those people who put up with all kinds of bad behavior. Kind people are generous when they WANT to be generous and when they choose to be. Nice people think putting others first is the only survival strategy in relating to others.

As a fellow recovering "nice" person, I would say that bringing him to counseling was the worst move ... because you--YOU, INDIVIDUALLY--need to first find your voice. By voice, I mean finding and embodying the right to say what you feel and to say when you are unhappy, the right to your own thoughts ... Bringing him to therapy was bound to fail because for a couples session to work you need two strong independent voices negotiating. If one voice is already compromised and holding back, you can't reach a good agreement.

There is a book that really helped me a lot called The Power of a Positive No by William Ury, a professional negotiator. Ury says that unless the negotiating parties can strongly say no until their interests are genuinely met, there can be no real or fair or lasting agreement. He found that time after time agreements and settlements (political and business and personal) fell apart. When he looked back, he concluded that the reason these agreements fell apart was because one side DIDN'T REALLY INSIST THAT ITS KEY NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED. And to the agreement could not hold because key needs were unaddressed. Agreements have to satisfy the key needs (never 100 percent) but the key needs of both parties.

Ury applies his professional insights to relationships as well ... I think the best way to find your voice is working with an excellent therapist who gets you. And by the way, you are not a "coward." Calling yourself a coward is unfair. This isn't a matter of courage so much as a matter of how you're seeing the world. You think you HAVE TO compromise with him because maybe he couldn't otherwise survive ... and maybe you'd be a bad person to say, "I'm sorry, I don't want to do X." That's not true, but that's the logic of not being able to say no. Often people who have trouble saying "no" grew up in families that did not allow them to say no.

I would say take your time, find your voice, find a really good therapist who gets you and you will gain the power to say no ... and the freedom of this is amazing. I now realize that if I'm putting up with behavior I don't like, it eventually hurts THE OTHER PERSON.

Finally, there's a good chance that you have had this struggle with saying no prior to meting this partner. Most likely standing up for yourself (knowing that it is right to stand up for yourself) has been a problem in previous relationships, even with people who don't have ADHD.

"Boundaries" is the clinical term that a lot of therapists use for this struggle. But I'll go back to William Ury, who basically says you have to be able to know your "no" ... (what you cannot tolerate) and stand by that "no"... or else a yes is not a yes. That's why he calls it the power of a positive no. Drawing lines and boundaries is fundamental.

Be gentle on yourself. You're most likely used to putting other people's needs first and you probably never got encouragement to take your own needs seriously. But your needs are of equal importance to anyone's! ...

Good luck.

Tone