View Full Version : She says 'no worries' but hopes I care


anonymouslyadd
06-06-16, 01:32 PM
I've been talking to this girl for several weeks now. We've had discussions through texts that have escalated into more than a regular conversation. I've perceived frustration from her and expressed anger. Then, she'll try to sum up our conversations with a "no worries" comment as if she's letting it go. However, if I respond with a text of two words, she'll say, "that's it? Two words?"

This tells me her "no worries" comment is a facade to make it seem like she doesn't care, but she really does. What do you think? How can you tell when someone has really let something go or they're pretending?

Please don't hate on women or use this as an opportunity to bash them. I want constructive feedback.

TygerSan
06-06-16, 02:12 PM
(((Anon))) It's so hard to discern what people mean from texts and emails. You're missing so much non-verbal communication and tone-of-voice.

In all honesty, though, I think you're thinking what you're thinking for a reason. It's hard to tell without more context, but her "that's it? Two words?" sounds passive aggressive to me. If she were completely honest with you, you wouldn't be tying yourself up in knots trying to decipher her intent. Communication would just . . .work. If you know what I mean?

anonymouslyadd
06-06-16, 02:30 PM
(((Anon))) It's so hard to discern what people mean from texts and emails. You're missing so much non-verbal communication and tone-of-voice.

In all honesty, though, I think you're thinking what you're thinking for a reason. It's hard to tell without more context, but her "that's it? Two words?" sounds passive aggressive to me. If she were completely honest with you, you wouldn't be tying yourself up in knots trying to decipher her intent. Communication would just . . .work. If you know what I mean?
She was verbally abused and me getting angry triggered that. :( I practically lost contact with her and was barely able to salvage something today.

I think many people, especially ones who try to appear tough, want to project an image indicating they're not sensitive. I think I disagree with that.

Pilgrim
06-06-16, 02:30 PM
So what's the problem?

anonymouslyadd
06-06-16, 02:32 PM
So what's the problem?
There's still friction, and I hurt her. However, I'm not the only who did harm. I want to ease the friction.

anonymouslyadd
06-06-16, 02:55 PM
(((Anon))) It's so hard to discern what people mean from texts and emails. You're missing so much non-verbal communication and tone-of-voice.

In all honesty, though, I think you're thinking what you're thinking for a reason. It's hard to tell without more context, but her "that's it? Two words?" sounds passive aggressive to me. If she were completely honest with you, you wouldn't be tying yourself up in knots trying to decipher her intent. Communication would just . . .work. If you know what I mean?
I have a hard time when people are upset with me.

Little Nut
06-06-16, 03:42 PM
Let me sum it up based on ur posts and guessing to fill in blanks. Also I took liberty summing up nuanced feelings into 1 or 2 words.

You have been talking via text to this girl . In your opinion they have been intimate (right characterization?)at times. You have enjoyed exchanging texts with her and wish them to continue. Your concern is that based on 1 or 2 of her responses that you may have upset her and are relatively clueless how this happened. Not only was it not your intention to upset her, you are worried that this may interfere with getting to know her better.

Your hope is to meet face-to-face, to resolve any issues, avoid clumsy mistakes on your part in the future and to continue getting to know one another.


Close?

anonymouslyadd
06-06-16, 03:57 PM
Let me sum it up based on ur posts and guessing to fill in blanks. Also I took liberty summing up nuanced feelings into 1 or 2 words.

You have been talking via text to this girl . In your opinion they have been intimate (right characterization?)at times. You have enjoyed exchanging texts with her and wish them to continue. Your concern is that based on 1 or 2 of her responses that you may have upset her and are relatively clueless how this happened. Not only was it not your intention to upset her, you are worried that this may interfere with getting to know her better.

Your hope is to meet face-to-face, to resolve any issues, avoid clumsy mistakes on your part in the future and to continue getting to know one another.


Close?
That's pretty good. We do see each other in person a fair amount of time. The problem is that I've grown to like her and feel like our friendship has been permanently impacted

I understand why she's upset due to her past injuries. She feels like I'm always mad at her. I wish she would understand me better.

I never wanted to hurt her. Never. I adore her.

stef
06-06-16, 04:04 PM
say exactly your last sentence above, to her

anonymouslyadd
06-06-16, 04:12 PM
say exactly your last sentence above, to her
I think I did. I think I'm going to have to let it go. I'm not sure if she's willing to meet me halfway.

Socaljaxs
06-06-16, 04:17 PM
Sadly no worries can mean both, that not a problem and hiding that it is a problem.. One thing I firmly stand by even though I don't always follow it:eyebrow: is no important conversations via text, email ext . Intent and tone get misunderstood. Also verbally abusive? Not ok I don't care if you hurt her before or not. It's no ok. If she is hung up on the past, you two will never move forward until you deal with it.

sarahsweets
06-07-16, 05:12 AM
Sounds a bit like deflection. I know when I experience something that can be triggering, if I am not ready to go there, I can also say stuff like "no big deal", "no worries" or forget about it, even when I dont mean it. Fear can make us say these things. Fear of rejection, relationships, feelings etc.

Unmanagable
06-07-16, 07:47 AM
It may not be that she isn't willing to meet you halfway, but she simply may not be able to, depending on what she experienced in her past that is triggering to her.

Depending on where she is in her own healing journey, she may not be at a place where she even understands it herself, yet, which likely means she struggles with communicating it clearly to you and others.

I've experienced some heavy duty sexual and domestic abuse in my past and there's certain people I simply can't share space with, no matter how hard we both try or how good our intentions are for wishing to share space.

Openness and clear communication can help a great deal, but if there are things she can't get over in her heart, it might be a struggle for her to clear out space in there for you.

anonymouslyadd
06-07-16, 02:50 PM
Sounds a bit like deflection. I know when I experience something that can be triggering, if I am not ready to go there, I can also say stuff like "no big deal", "no worries" or forget about it, even when I dont mean it. Fear can make us say these things. Fear of rejection, relationships, feelings etc.
This sucks. I don't think I can win in this situation. :(

anonymouslyadd
06-07-16, 02:57 PM
It may not be that she isn't willing to meet you halfway, but she simply may not be able to, depending on what she experienced in her past that is triggering to her.

Depending on where she is in her own healing journey, she may not be at a place where she even understands it herself, yet, which likely means she struggles with communicating it clearly to you and others.

I've experienced some heavy duty sexual and domestic abuse in my past and there's certain people I simply can't share space with, no matter how hard we both try or how good our intentions are for wishing to share space.

Openness and clear communication can help a great deal, but if there are things she can't get over in her heart, it might be a struggle for her to clear out space in there for you.
Right. So now I get to experience the rejection. I even told her that I would leave the house if she wanted to come over and see her brother and family without me there. She told me that she would probably be mad if I tried to avoid her. :confused:

I don't think she's capable of letting me be the bigger one and helping her with something she struggles with. She's totally twisting things around and is very confusing. She also does many things that she complains I do.

Unmanagable
06-07-16, 03:18 PM
Right. So now I get to experience the rejection. I even told her that I would leave the house if she wanted to come over and see her brother and family without me there. She told me that she would probably be mad if I tried to avoid her. :confused:

I don't think she's capable of letting me be the bigger one and helping her with something she struggles with. She's totally twisting things around and is very confusing. She also does many things that she complains I do.

That part is a red flag for me. Trying too hard to help others got me in a world of hurt throughout my life. I found I was trying so hard to help others but still wasn't real clear on how to help myself. It was sort of a distraction, I think, so I wouldn't have to deal with my own stuff. All I ended up doing was burning myself out on spreading my energies so thin.

It doesn't sound like you've had very pleasant exchanges and it's a real struggle to communicate with her. I guess I'm not understanding why you want to try so hard to spend more time with someone who's brought about so much unpleasantness already. :scratch: If you have to leave for her to visit her family.......that part confuses me, too. The sister of a friend?

anonymouslyadd
06-07-16, 03:27 PM
That part is a red flag for me. Trying too hard to help others got me in a world of hurt throughout my life. I found I was trying so hard to help others but still wasn't real clear on how to help myself. It was sort of a distraction, I think, so I wouldn't have to deal with my own stuff. All I ended up doing was burning myself out on spreading my energies so thin.

It doesn't sound like you've had very pleasant exchanges and it's a real struggle to communicate with her. I guess I'm not understanding why you want to try so hard to spend more time with someone who's brought about so much unpleasantness already. :scratch: If you have to leave for her to visit her family.......that part confuses me, too. The sister of a friend?
Good questions. I really like her for some reason and we've had some really good discussions.

She said that she had an injury regarding someone who was verbally abusive to her. I assumed that me being around her triggered that. Therefore, I'd be willing to leave if she didn't feel comfortable around me. Does that make sense?

Unmanagable
06-07-16, 03:42 PM
Am I understanding that you got angry with her, acted out verbally, and feel you may have triggered something that she'll now feel each time you are in her presence because she previously shared with you that she had been verbally abused in the past?

And she won't specifically tell you if that's what it is, so it keeps you confused with how to respond or what to say? Have you come right out and asked her, or are you just assuming based on the ongoing confusing communication, thus far?

anonymouslyadd
06-07-16, 04:26 PM
[QUOTE=Unmanagable;1815227]Am I understanding that you got angry with her, acted out verbally, and feel you may have triggered something that she'll now feel each time you are in her presence because she previously shared with you that she had been verbally abused in the past?
Exactly. I expressed anger just through text. Then, she said that I was always angry at her.
And she won't specifically tell you if that's what it is, so it keeps you confused with how to respond or what to say? Have you come right out and asked her, or are you just assuming based on the ongoing confusing communication, thus far?
She actually has been specific about that issue. She came out and said that she faced verbal abuse before and basically that she was sensitive to it or anger. However, it has been very confusing to respond to her and to know what the best way is.

peripatetic
06-07-16, 04:43 PM
I've been talking to this girl for several weeks now. We've had discussions through texts that have escalated into more than a regular conversation. I've perceived frustration from her and expressed anger. Then, she'll try to sum up our conversations with a "no worries" comment as if she's letting it go. However, if I respond with a text of two words, she'll say, "that's it? Two words?"

This tells me her "no worries" comment is a facade to make it seem like she doesn't care, but she really does. What do you think? How can you tell when someone has really let something go or they're pretending?

Please don't hate on women or use this as an opportunity to bash them. I want constructive feedback.

Frankly, Anon, I see you reading a lot into the not much that she's actually saying. And I for one say no worries and mean no. worries. And would be irritated at learning I was being interpreted or assumed otherwise.

I can appreciate you're trying to make sense of someone you don't know well via communication means that sorta "neuter" everything, especially brief texts. Is it possible you believe her thought process is as you describe because if you communicated that way that's what you'd mean? That's not uncommon, but it doesn't make for strong communication because she's not given an opportunity to be taken at her word. Imagine if you said "no worries" and later learned the other assigned feelings and thoughts to you based on two words, or even four, without taking the time to ask you what you meant?

I don't know whether she's redirecting or you're projecting or any number of other things. But I do suggest the only way to know what she's actually thinking and meaning and expecting and wanting is to actually ask her. You can do it in a non confrontational way...when you say x, and then y after I say p...I'm concerned I'm unclear. Like stef said, tell her you don't want to be hurtful and you want to respect and know what she is thinking and not assume, so let's talk about it so we are on the same page.

Something along those lines would go a long way with me whilst being attributed intentions and thoughts and needs without giving me my own voice about them and accepting what I said would end it for me. If you like her and want to continue in any way but especially as real friends, then you have to gently address the situation and respect her answers. And she needs to have the integrity to clarify and own up to her **** if she is saying one thing but meaning or expecting to be known as meaning another from you.

I would also say that bare text isn't going to be as useful as a phone call at least so you can really discuss and then move on together or not, but at least know where you stand.

Bonne chance! :) and keep in mind, you get to have needs and intentions, too. And you may need her to work on clearer communication. Whatever you need, you have to be as clear as you'd want her to be if you hope to get your needs met. Similarly, she needs to step up and work to be clear if that's what you need. But if you both step up and express clearly your needs and feeling and expectations and after listening to each other accurately communicate what you can and can't offer, you may or may not stay together, but you'll know where you stand and will be better able to communicate those things in the future.

Hope that helps xx

Corina86
06-07-16, 04:44 PM
I have a (soon-to-be-ex)bf who pretty much does the same thing. Gets upset at me for getting angry at him, then acts all passive-aggressive about this. The thing is, the reasons why I get angry never get resolved. He just makes it all about himself and his own sensitivity, expects me to feel guilty and apologize for raising my voice, but he still does the things that bother me. It's emotional blackmail, it's invalidating, dismissive and a bit cowardly.

You're not responsible for her past and what she went through. How does she propose you solve your issues? That you talk through them more rationally? What kind of emotions are you allowed to manifest around her? What exactly is her trigger- being called names, curse words or simply anything that might suggest you're angry? Does she have other triggers or issues related to this past abuse that might become a problem for your relationship?

sarahsweets
06-08-16, 04:23 AM
Anon - do you think she spends as much time thinking about or worrying about her relationship with you, as you spend thinking about and worrying about your relationship with her?
If the answer to that is no, then I urge you to pull back. You are expending a lot of energy on this one. It would be a shame if you were the only one thinking that way

anonymouslyadd
06-09-16, 06:51 PM
Thanks everyone! I think the issue is solved, but I need some time to give y'all context.

KarmanMonkey
06-10-16, 09:25 AM
Maybe read up a bit on trauma... There's a book that's been recommended to me (but I haven't had time to read it yet) called "Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self while Caring for Others" by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky.

I've run into this issue before with friends, and I work with quite a number of people who have experienced trauma. Essentially, if someone experiences trauma, talking about it can often make things worse for the person. The idea is to learn ways to help the person put the cap back on the bottle, so to speak, when they're triggered. It's also about learning from them what triggers them and to work to find ways to minimise those moments.

If we have been traumatised, we basically go through life knowing that pretty much everyone we meet will eventually hurt us. Badly. It won't often be their fault, but in some ways that makes it harder to cope.

In the end, it sounds like continuing your relationship with this person will require the two of you to learn from each other, and to plan how to respond should a similar situation happen in the future. It sounds like you want to be able to support her, and that she needs to teach you how to do that with the least risk of digging into old wounds.