View Full Version : struggling to find a relationship: ADHD, or just shy?


kqhong
06-11-16, 01:14 PM
Hey everyone. I am a 25 year old male who has never been in a relationship. Ever since middle school, I've always enjoyed talking about women with my guy friends, and I've fantasized about dating girls that I know in my personal life without ever asking them out (except for twice). I am quite shy by nature as well.

My struggles with medical school convinced me to see a psychiatrist, and he indicated that I do suffer from ADHD inattentive type (see my other post for details).

Upon further reflection, I've come to realize that ADHD could possibly explain why I have been unlucky all of these years. A big part of ADHD is avoiding tasks that avoid sustained mental effort, and I can't help but feel talking to a girl and getting to know her would certainly qualify as one. As a result, I've largely avoided asking girls out who I like despite always fantasizing about dating them. Looking back, the two times that I actually did ask the girl out, I probably gave off the vibe that I was trying to hard, so they were never interested.

What does everyone think about this? ADHD, shy, or maybe both?

anonymouslyadd
06-11-16, 01:24 PM
The ADDer who is shy or who has issues with self-confidence will struggle more with this issue. They'll battle the symptoms of shyness and ADD. You can work on this, though. :)

It's not easy to ask someone out, because there's always a chance of rejection. Are you worried about that? Pay attention to your thoughts when you fantasize about dating them.

kqhong
06-11-16, 01:32 PM
The ADDer who is shy or who has issues with self-confidence will struggle more with this issue. They'll battle the symptoms of shyness and ADD. You can work on this, though. :)

It's not easy to ask someone out, because there's always a chance of rejection. Are you worried about that? Pay attention to your thoughts when you fantasize about dating them.

True, it's not easy to ask someone out regardless of whether you are ADD or not. And true, rejection is always possible and hurts regardless of ADD or not.

My problem is that and more: For example, I might be talking to a girl I have interest in. I have to put in a ton of extra effort to just pay attention to what she is saying, more so than most other guys, and it probably shows in my body language without me realizing it (red flag #1: guy tries too hard). Or, I might be talking to a girl, and my mind drifts off thinking about things like what a cool story I'll have to tell my friends (red flag #2: guy isn't paying attention to me)

Tetrahedra
06-11-16, 01:39 PM
If the couple times you tried you got reject and it was hard work getting to that step in the first place, I could see how it would be a frustrating endeavor and eventually start to knock down your confidence and esteem.

My guess is that it's both ADHD and shyness. Both of them could contribute to struggling to form relationships. Many shy men will tell you that it's difficult initiating a potential relationship, and if you add ADHD with your struggle to perform certain tasks, it just makes it so much more challenging. Are you getting your ADHD treated? If so, it might help you build up confidence.

And never worry about "I'm X years of age and I've never dated" sort of thing. In the grand scheme of things, no one cares. You move at your own pace. Getting to know yourself and what you struggle with is very important, and in order to have a successful and happy relationship, you need to be able to understand who you are.

anonymouslyadd
06-11-16, 01:41 PM
True, it's not easy to ask someone out regardless of whether you are ADD or not. And true, rejection is always possible and hurts regardless of ADD or not.

My problem is that and more: For example, I might be talking to a girl I have interest in. I have to put in a ton of extra effort to just pay attention to what she is saying, more so than most other guys, and it probably shows in my body language without me realizing it (red flag #1: guy tries too hard). Or, I might be talking to a girl, and my mind drifts off thinking about things like what a cool story I'll have to tell my friends (red flag #2: guy isn't paying attention to me)
I know how you feel. You'll probably need to force yourself through this. You'll get more comfortable with practice. Our natural inclination is to aim for perfection. While you may struggle with certain things, there's no reason why you can't be good at other things. Maybe you can talk about many different subjects whereas other guys cant. Few people are good at everything. I'm always amazed at how many people on the radio have slight speech impediments.

Don't let the challenges that come from ADD hold you back.

Fuzzy12
06-11-16, 04:11 PM
True, it's not easy to ask someone out regardless of whether you are ADD or not. And true, rejection is always possible and hurts regardless of ADD or not.

My problem is that and more: For example, I might be talking to a girl I have interest in. I have to put in a ton of extra effort to just pay attention to what she is saying, more so than most other guys, and it probably shows in my body language without me realizing it (red flag #1: guy tries too hard). Or, I might be talking to a girl, and my mind drifts off thinking about things like what a cool story I'll have to tell my friends (red flag #2: guy isn't paying attention to me)

I think I can relate in a way. Talking to people is hard work for me and not always enjoyable. I often try to avoid it even with people I like or think well of, which makes forming friendships rather unlikely.

I found it easier to.socialise when medicated as it was easier to pay attention to the conversation and also since boredom was a bit more tolerable on meds. I was a lot more patient and controlled.

Are you getting any treatment?

And yes, practice might help. Also don't let two girls saying no put you off. You might have to ask out a lot, lot more girls than that to find someone with whom it might click.