View Full Version : What to do..(possible trigger)


_Rift_
06-14-16, 07:28 PM
A friend recommended this forum if I was ever distressed so here I am lol.
As far as to why I am here its mostly just to rant because as we all know a healthy rant is great thing. This is going to be pointlessly heafty so if you don't want to read a few paragraphs worth of crap then just skip to the bottom two paragraphs and read from there.

I guess Ill start by saying that I was diagnosed with ADHD-PI or C and dyscalculia(math disability) at the age of 12. I can't remember which It was(PI Or C) and the papers I got from the people screening me are long gone. After I was diagnosed I rejected medication and my mom decided after seeing how upset I got at the notion of going on meds that she would not force me. So the diagnoses was not forgotten but never acknowledged and I went on through public and high school scraping up grades and missing sometimes close to half a year of school.I never let it bother me though and never even attributed it to my ADHD or dyscalculia. To me I didn't care and there was no reason to it and if I took medication it would be pointless because my ADHD/dyscalculia did not affect me.


By high school I only stayed enrolled by what I like to see as well timed reactions to the teachers and administrators who sought to Punish or improve my actions. I let them see remorse and sometimes even relished that I could get away with so much. Even though I was respectful In comparison to the other people did the same things outside of class as me I was a well balanced individual who had great potential to excel and only needed guidance. I used this and let each one who tried to help me spin their wheels and feel accomplished until they released how much I didn't care seem to care. So I spent my school career outside smoking and conversing with friends. or sitting in my room doing nothing and not knowing why. I never had a girlfriend only close friends who valued me for my self.


It was not until My friends graduated that I saw how far behind I was. at this point I fully realized that I was off and maybe it was my ADHD/dyscalculia having an affect but still I reconciled to do nothing and figured id move on and find acceptance for my self at some point. It was like I was doing everything to distance myself from life. I would only hang out if friends forced me and I never enjoyed myself. the only positive thing is that I came to logically accept that I was Bi-sexual. I say logically because I have not told and really don't plan on telling anyone anytime soon which disobeys the logic that comes with acceptance so it garnered zero relief and if anything made me distance myself more.

By This time last year I had Enrolled and dis enrolled school over 10 times after being kicked out of local high school and put into an adult school. I worked hated and left 3 jobs. I realized after working strenuously for 1 month straight(over 140 hours) that things had gone to far. I was self harming with no real thought process as to why I was constantly debating whether I wanted to die or If I just felt that way. Finally though I realized that my adhd and dyscalculia was much worse and that my mental health was completely in a spiral towards a place where I could not come back from. I was wrong though I spiraled to the bottom of my emotional line(at least so far) and its gotten to the point that I dont even know how to describe the lack of feelings and the overwhelming feeling of nothing.


lately I have tried anxiety medication and adhd meds and found that none help disconnect between me and myself. Everyday feel Like Im going to explode, its like everything I do is laced with regret. I know its just a feeling caused by my brain and body but the sensation is palpable. I find myself In literal daze. Ill just stare and think of everything while focusing on nothing, its like I always have the ability to connect with emotions yets lack the perceptual ability to sort the connecting thoughts fluently. To explain I feel latley as if everything is off. Im paranoid about everything to the point where everyone is suspect and has a problem with me, again logically I know nothing is wrong(most of the time) but it got to the point where I even had a type of anxiety induced seizure at a small party with freinds. for the most part I have control on the overwhelming physical sensations but the fact that I constantly feel like a meteor is going directly impact my face and im constantly is somthing I could never get rid of.




I guess my original intent here was to get **** off my chest because these feelings over the past year and especially since starting my new job. Im worried the crashes in mood and complete feeling of something so ****y and subjective a cant even explain it in one long *** post. I constantly fight feelings for want of self harm or give into them in one way or another. My paranoia and anxiety is at a height and im either shaking or feeling the random rushes of emotions, I randomly and without conditions feel like I want to cry but when I go to nothing happens and two seconds later im feeling fine.


What really worries me is if I get paranoid at all when singing or listening to music (sometimes in general)I hear sometime audible comments that are brief and not understandable for the most part, even when walking with music or at all Ill see things in the corner of my eye only to look at nothing suddenly. sometime even patterns **** with my vision or on the odd occasion my spatial ability will seem be ****** and it would appear as if one section of wall is backing off from the other. Im bulding these feelings of wanting to die and feeling like either me or a god I dont beleive will smite me. One moment Im coping in the next im trying to get out tears on the precipice of flowing and fighting the impending feeling of indescribable anxiety. I feel Like I want to die and I know its just a feeling but its real and I smell it everywhere, everything makes me think it Im constantly telling myself to wait. I feel like aids


I feel Like if I keep going then Im going to get to a point where I break and dont even care what I do to myself because I've pretty much been there already. I don't know whether to go to the hospital before or after and if ill even want to once i'm there (WHAT WOULD YOU RECOMMEND). I guess all this means that Im scared, so scared of how long ill live with my feelings and lack of thoughts that I want to naturaly end those feelings. I

In summary

I have no ******* idea about anything anymore. Im so confused about everything and too focused on ending it that nothing makes sense. not me, friends, family, or even work seems right. It all seems fake like a water painting waiting be touched up or washed out and redrawn. Everything is confusing even finishing this with perspective is confusing. I have no idea where im going to go next and no perspective on the roads ahead. In this state The road ahead is proceeded by comforting nothingness.

Im not ending it yet as there is still a few things I would like to stay around and finish but do you think its a good idea to take myself into the hospital if things get worse. I'm already self harming with palpable intention to focus on another pain and the mental affects of it all are apparent in my behavior. If things go to far I will admit myself but I cant just run away.

even after all that typing I have not gotten it all out and feel like **** for posting this but I know that's just a feeling and everyone has them. Thanks for reading any of it

Lunacie
06-14-16, 08:09 PM
So sorry you're feeling like this. It sounds like you're really going through a grieving thing,
letting go of what should have been and dealing with what really is.

It can take awhile to find the med (or combination) that works for you.
Please keep trying. And I've heard good things about DBT therapy. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy)

Pilgrim
06-15-16, 07:00 AM
I think I've been there to a degree. It does get better. My first bit of advice would be to delve deeper into medical therapies. Your not alone in these feelings. I think in time you learn certain strategies that can help a lot with these feelings of loneliness. Keep going.

finallyfound10
06-16-16, 09:53 AM
Welcome!!!!

[QUOTE][What really worries me is if I get paranoid at all when singing or listening to music (sometimes in general)I hear sometime audible comments that are brief and not understandable for the most part, even when walking with music or at all Ill see things in the corner of my eye only to look at nothing suddenly./QUOTE]

If you are hearing and seeing things that are not really there, you may have some other mental health situation going on. Please let your doctor know about them.

I also have ADHD and Dyscalculia which are tough to have together.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

_Rift_
06-17-16, 01:32 AM
Looking back at rant you did not really spell check is funny lol, For the most part I do cope well I feel all these things but have gotten good at getting past them. however as the rant above displays I don't really deal with them. Its usually when I was anxious that I would hear things or see odd things but I still plan to reconnect with a medical professional in the city I live in now, If I find out anything Ill probably have some questions. The anxiety right now is real though as I just started a job that Im tanking so things are stressfull. I think I thought getting a job would be good for my stress but ever since I started everything is becoming less endearing. It hard to think about it all day but since I lost the chance to contemplate things (work) It all just hits me when I get home. An example being I got home and crashed, then for no reason I was just sad as **** and could not come up with an explanation I cried some heavily pointless tears and then 5 minutes later was all good. It sounds dramatic but I know(doctors) that its most likely anxiety as ever since I stopped having panic attacks that seems to be the trade off as to where that tension goes.


Anyways thanks for all the kind replies and if loose my job Ill be sure to make an angry rant about it lol.