View Full Version : The final push to let go


Domino81
06-17-16, 07:23 PM
I'm 35. While that may seem like an arbitrary number, it gives me a frame of reference to start from. About a year ago I separated from my ex wife. Frankly, I don't remember a lot of what I did last summer except cry. I know I started a new job, my son was with his mom for the majority of the summer. I know I began drinking professionally. My whole world had just imploded and I was utterly devastated.

When I met the woman who would become my wife I had just turned 27, I wasn't working and I was still living at home. So needless to say life was goin' great. I knew her through a friendship that I had from high school. She was the unicorn of my friend John, and one evening she was visiting and we all hung out at a pizza place talking. I messaged her the next day, on myspace. Remember myspace?? "Its a shame I never got to know you better because you would have been the catch of a lifetime." I'm welling up just repeating it. ... [deep breath]

We chat back and forth. Became re-acquainted. She was currently living in Long Island (I live about 4.5 hours north in Syracuse) and we would hang out when we could. Our "first date" was the 4th of July, we hung out at a friends house party. Wound up sleeping together that night. I still have the photo of her in my bed from the morning.

Fast forward, we move in together, we have pets together. We moved from a house we rented together to a house we bought together. My son came to live with us. When I asked her to marry me, I asked her to marry us. [I've graduated from welling up to tears streaming from my cheeks]

Update: I started this thread this morning before work. Didn't have time to finish it. So I'll pick up where I left off...

The April before I asked her to marry me I had what was explained to me as a emotional affair. I was kind of bored in the relationship. Our sex life was never good. Frankly it became a major bone of contention every 6 months to a year. More on that later. It didn't last long, and nothing ever came of it, but it happened and she and I were never really the same.

That was April 2012. Fast forward to August 2012...

Coming from a broken home I had kind of a negative view of marriage. I asked people for years what it was like being married. It took me years from the day I asked her father to the day I asked her to marry me ti justify in my head why anyone would want to get married. She said yes... obviously.

Now I asked in August became my son was going to Hawaii for a month and I wanted him to be a part of it.

Our idea was to go to the outer banks. We rented a house larger enough for our friends and family (around 40+) and stayed the week, got married on the beach Friday. It was the best day of my life. I felt like an adult. I felt like for the first time my parents were truly proud of me. I felt people treated me differently knowing I was married. We wound up coming home early because we missed being home. I was never sure if it was partially due to finding her a little boring. Or if we just had this epic week with all our friends and family.

My son's mother came to me one night and said she was leaving her bf, whom she shared a house with bf's mom. And that she was moving to Hawaii to be with someone else. :eek: This preceded us getting married, but I'm telling you this to tell you that once she came back for (I believe) her grandfather's funeral I think she started sleeping with ex bf again. And a month after we got married she tried to commit suicide. Well, I felt like whatever honeymooning phase we had was wiped away and we had to deal with this new thing. Everything settled down, she got help. Her and Hawaii guy are no longer together. She had a baby with ex bf guy. That's just a little back story that I didn't know how or where to fit in. Chronologically it goes from 2012 to 2013.

We got married Oct 11, 2013

We had a rough first year. I feel like what I remember of it I recall us fighting a lot. You see, she kinda rescued me. She always pushed me. Fought for me. Was a mentor and a life coach. Part financial planner. Taught me how to be an adult and pay bills. Things I honestly wished my parents taught me. I feel like they wanted the best for me but gave up and didn't know how to help me. My father is very black and white, practical and pragmatic. My mother is kind of the opposite. Enormous heart, loving, caring, compassionate... didn't have the tools to give. I don't think she ever possessed them. I believe I picked ADHD up from her. Our communication broke down completely. As if I was speaking a different language. Intimacy, which was the lowest part of our relationship, was just deplorable. I began to withdraw. I became incredibly impatient with her. As I'm sure she did with me. The lack of intimacy drove me to fantasize about cheating on her. And I found myself on Tinder or something else out of tenacious frustration. I lost my job at a local dealership the year prior (2013). I was devastated. I was blind sided. I assume I rubbed the owner the wrong way. I balled. I thought the stage of my life where I would get fired from jobs and bounced around was over. And here I was... all over again. She pushed me to work on my business. I think I began to fall into a deep depression. Not having money, having to ask her for money. Having to rely on her almost entirely. I couldn't make it work, I wound up joining businesses with friend from hs for which we still work and are building from the ground up. I did eventually start working part time later in 2014. I was also working for my friend's moving business. There would be nights I'd work and come home and give money to her. Things got tight. By February 2015 the dealership I was working part time for eliminated my position after a new parts manager came on board. I was a little apprehensive about working full-time moving furniture. But I did it because I had to. By this time Erin and I were almost passing ships in the night. We had re-financed my car to pay down her credit cards, which at that point I think were maxed. In... I think it was March of 2015, I started experiencing symptoms of carpel tunnel. Stressed me out, my Dr. had suggested considering a comp case. It was a good friend's business, I didn't really have any intention to. The issue I had was I just wanted her to have my back and understand my side. She totally disagreed. I erupted. I think it was the biggest fight we ever had. She wound up leaving the room and I followed her upstairs to our room and screamed. And then she said it...

(I want a divorce) ... stopped me in my tracks. We'd had conversations before where the question came up. I always thought there would be time to work on it. I went down stairs with a furrowed brow. Then as I sat on the couch and came back to earth I began to sob. She took my son to his mother's house. He was upset at our fight. When she came back we talked. I believe that's the point she started sleeping in another room. For the moment the uncomfortable peace ruled over the landscape. But in the words of Ben Folds, "As weeks went by it showed that was not fine..."

April 20th, 2015 - my 34th birthday. We had my favorite dinner, she made me German chocolate cake. It wasn't a great day, but probably one of the better ones I'd had in a while. I felt a little better about us.

April 21st, 2015 - If you had asked me the day before what the worst day of my life was? I would have told you the day my mother and father brought my sister and I into the kitchen to tell us they were getting a divorce. I don't remember much. Just that each of us has a lap of a parent and everyone was crying. My mother would later tell me he was "emotionally unavailable". I think it was a Monday, I could be wrong. I think I was watching wrestling. I think it was 1990. So I would have been 8 or 9. I recall that day and I still get a eye-full of tears.

If you ask me today, "what's the worst day of your life?" Bar none, April 21st, 2015. She asked me for a divorce. I was sitting on the couch, she was sitting on the opposite side of the sectional. We were both balling. This is difficult to recall because I've done my best to move on from all of this and forget it. But it's burned into the ether of my memory. I was able to ward off another plea for release, she said I had 2 weeks. I pleaded with her. I don't think the 2 weeks was up before she had a plan in place to get me out of the house. I can still hear the echoes of her screaming disdainfully, "I want you gone!"

I was out the same weekend we would have been together 7 years. I photographed my aunts 4th family reunion. Much of the summer after though is a blur.

I remember being so compelled to look and see what was out there on dating sites. I purchased subscriptions almost as if I was robotically controlled. I hung out with some girls, had some strange ***. Dated for a month or two. Nothing came of it. I recall being unable to stop it and checking these sites like an addiction. I absolutely regretted it and after a session or two with the same therapist I saw with Erin after my emotional affair, she told me to lay off them completely. At that point, I was all too happy to. I haven't been on one since. It seemed like all I needed was someone telling me to to make it happen. I am dating now. Someone who ironically has some of the same challenges I do. It's a really natural pairing. Very easy, appreciates me and accepts me for me.

But that's basically the story. What brings me here now is the fact that I keep having triggers. A song. A place. A thing. I'm ready to be done. I was to leave that part behind. And embrace the future. It's time to move on. I don't want to dwell here anymore. Just through the writing of this thread do I honestly feel better. I had some private tears today. That's for sure. The hard part has been forgetting 7 years. My entire life. Now it's all totally different. As is she. And nothing would make me happier than to forget she exists.

Thanks in advance.

Anthony

Unmanagable
06-17-16, 09:23 PM
Welcome. Sometimes just clearing space by spilling it here can do wonders. May your heart space be able to release the memories, cherish the moments, and make room for more good stuff. Glad you joined the village.

Domino81
06-17-16, 09:56 PM
Thanks. It was through that therapist that had me look into sexual addiction that led me to research deeper ADHD. I was diagnosed as a kid but I had NO idea how and to what severity it affected me. I've emersed myself in videos, literature and anything I can get my hands on.

aeon
06-17-16, 10:45 PM
Welcome to the Forums. :)

Thanks for sharing. I mean it, it was good to read. I like hearing people’s stories.

I’m going to ask you to consider something.

On April 21st, 2015, your ex-wife asked you for a chance for the both of you to be happy.

If you learn to love yourself, for yourself, well and true, the hurt and the triggers will become experiences that will teach you about yourself, who you are, what you need.

And when you know who you are and what you need, and you own that, you won’t need anyone...but it sure is a great place from which to love, desire, and cherish someone, should you choose to do so.

I wish you well. Believe in yourself.


Cheers,
Ian

Rebelyell
06-17-16, 11:54 PM
My heart goes out to you brother.If I unfortunately ever find my self in this position I will be totally done with women,no I won't date guys I don't Flyt that way but no I will be done dating

Pilgrim
06-18-16, 08:25 AM
ADD certainly puts obstacles in the way regarding the way you think. So put that into a relationship and it's harder again.
My mother and step father use to fight constantly. My mother is quite ADD. I worked out once that my mother just couldn't really handle being in a relationship. I prayed/ pray not to be like this.
And now i never worry about this. I'm much better with people. I've have been hurt and it's not comforting. To be honest being on Stimulints let me work out a lot of crap. I hope this is not inappropriate. If you can forgive yourself, you did the best you could. There is much more in life. I think with ADD we sometimes suffer from a type of tunnel vision. Goodluck

Domino81
06-18-16, 09:55 AM
I'm on Paxil, Wellbutrin and straterra. lol I just started the straterra. I started experimenting with depression meds at the end. I have no doubt depression played a major role in my divorce. I can remember feeling like I wa in a hole and just felt nothing. Almost ambivalence. Life today is a lot better. I'm just eager to get my life back in order and back on track. My son and I are closer than ever. And for that, I am grateful.

ToneTone
06-18-16, 11:13 AM
It's tough ... you mention that you came from a broken home ... could easily be that the breakup is bringing up old pain and helplessness.

I'm divorced and I wanted the divorce and I pretty much initiated the divorce and still I was in pain for much longer than a year ... I would say it took me three and some years to feel like dating again ...

So recovery from a divorce can take time. I hear you saying it's time to look to the future. Sorry, not that simple. Your body and soul just experienced a major disruption ... you're confused and trying to make sense of what happened ... grieving the end of the marriage ... feeling like you failed ... all of that takes time. Thinking you can get past all of that in a little more a year is totally unrealistic in my view.

I'm curious: where did you get the idea that people can quickly recover (as in one year) from a divorce? ... Especially a divorce initiated by the other partner?... and a divorce that came as a surprise? ... Divorce is a kind of death--and that's even the case for the person who wants it! ... In fact, in the first two years or so after a divorce, I don't think it's even accurate to think you are getting "triggered" ... Sadness is totally normal. Profound and deep sadness is totally normal and totally healthy. (Yes, that sadness moves in waves and may not be steady.)

My view: if you could totally forget about her and the marriage at this point and easily look to the future, then that only means you didn't care about her in the first place or that you didn't care about the marriage ... Or ... if you could be free from her now and just focused on the future, most likely that would indicate you had a profound disconnect from other humans.

So it ain't easy ... it doesn't feel good ... But the breakup of a marriage is one of the hardest stressors out there ... and it's one of the hardest hits to our egos. The person we love the most says they no longer want to be with us. That's a crowbar upside the ego!

Have you thought about going to counseling on this? ... You may simply be uncomfortable with sadness and pain ... (we all are!) ... and it could be that your sadness and grief is turning into deep depression. If you want to work through the process faster, counseling (with a good person) could possibly help.

Good luck.

Tone

DJ Bill
06-18-16, 11:21 AM
So sorry to hear your story...Has your drinking become less "professional?" If not....take care of that first if you are able. It is not uncommon for us ADD'ers to turn to addictions of all types to handle life...BTDT. It is also easier to stay away from them if our ADD is treated.
Hope everything gets better......it might take time but it will happen if you work for it.

Domino81
06-20-16, 08:21 AM
Oh, since march or so I've barely drank. In fact, I'm a wedding photographer and I had a LOOOOONG day at my last wedding this past Saturday at near 90 degrees and I got home, grabbed a 6-pack as a reward. Had 2, which is the first time I've had any at all in weeks. It'll probably sit in my fridge for a while.

Domino81
06-20-16, 09:00 AM
@tonetone - it wasn't a time line I waited for, if I'm honest with myself looking helped distract me. I was incredibly lonely. I just wanted that one person to talk to. I was ready to move forward with the right person. I didn't want to dwell for years on it. And so far it's been good. Moving slow. She's a bit like me and has challenges similar to my own which is both humbling and comforting.