Hi All,

I found this place to understand my partner who has ADD. I have found great support and info here. But tonight I want to ask a question. It is about the times when some who have ADD are blue, or in space, generally down. I know not all have this...but some do experience it. I have had bouts of depression in the past and I can understand blues. But this is not the same. I don't even know if I am asking the question right..but hopefully someone will know what I am trying to ask. If anyone has a link or a site or even a post here that I can read...it would be greatly appreciated.

I have suffered from periodic bouts of depression which I believe is because of my ADD, and not a separate condition (it is entirely possible to have both).

The main reason is this:

I have the most amazing dreams and desires as to what I want to do with my life, but my ADD has prevented me from getting anywhere near putting most of them into reality. I was only diagnosed a year and a half ago... before that people thought I was depressed, lazy, mentally damaged due to my upbringing and parents' addictions, or just plain weird... not knowing what was going on, and faced with brilliant "potential" but somehow never managing to make any of it reality, it was very hard to have any happiness or self esteem.

People with ADD have often failed at everything they have ever tried to do, all their lives, and spent most of their lives not knowing why.

Now that I know what ADD is I feel simultaneously a lot better and a lot worse. For while it's true now that it's not just a matter of me being a lazy good for nothing loser... it's not a simple magic solution either. Taking Ritalin will not magically make all of my problems go away. Facing the rest of my life, knowing that I will have to cope with ADD for the duration of it, and it will always be there as an obstacle between me and my dreams...

Well it's kinda depressing, to me at least.

I dunno if this is what your partner is going through. But this is what I am going through. I empathize with him if any of this rings true for him.

If he's really depressed about it, maybe he would consider coming here himself. There's a LOT of other people here going through the same stuff, who could relate to him and maybe help / advise him in some ways... and we could all use his perspective on things too...

Either way... I want to thank you personally for taking him seriously and making the effort to understand and help him. There are unfortunately a lot of ADD people out there with partners who do not understand and don't want to face the issue or admit that it exists.

Originally posted by Paul S

I have the most amazing dreams and desires as to what I want to do with my life, but my ADD has prevented me from getting anywhere near putting most of them into reality.

People with ADD have often failed at everything they have ever tried to do, all their lives, and spent most of their lives not knowing why.



Sometimes sharing those ideas and dreams with others then the other people together with the dreamer can make it into reallity

I started a thread for anyone who care to participate in sharing the dreams

I also have many dreams and ideas some are good and some are very silly

Im working on one right now with 5 other ADDers who didn't think it was a silly idea

http://www.addforums.com/forums/newthread.php?s=&action=newthread&forumid=13

I know some times when I get like that it's because I'm tired or worried about something or not feeling well...

I could even be thinking through a plan and not realize I'm being extra quiet or down like.....

I'll get "are you ok" from my husband, co-workers and friends....Normally I'm active and talkative.

Paul again what you are writing strikes a cord with me! You and my bf could be twins. But I am sure others with ADD can share similar stories. He does not have internet access yet but when I move to the States in the late fall..he will. I am sure gaining access to this site ..and being able to share will be a great asset to him. I print out relevent posts to dictate over the phone at night...OH and your website!!!!!!! Damn..he will love that too!

I know there are periods where I become "blue" or depressed. With me I think it is coming from me just getting frusterated. I am usually a happy girl (been accused of being too cheerful LOL). But it seems like everytime things start going right, something goes wrong. Which is true for alot of ppl..add'ers or not. But with me, I think since I have had to work extra hard to get to that point....and then have to work extra hard to try to get there again, I get frusterated. Then my self esteem goes down because I start thinking that I will never get there...I can't do anything right...so forth and so forth. Then I get into my Hypoactive moods. Where I just can't get the get up and go to do the things I need to do...which just makes it worse. And the cycle has begun. Nothing gets better cuz I am not doing anything and then I feel worse.

Luckily for me these times are just temporary. My brothers usually kick my butt into gear for me LOL. And help my self esteem. Todd told me the other day after I was depressed about not getting a job (based on a test that I think is impossible for ADD'ers) he told me he was proud of me for even trying...knowing how much it took to even get the chance to take the test. Then took me out to Karaoke and got me up on stage singin with him...after of course he told people i was shy so they majorly clapped for me. LOL Even if it was a set up it worked...my self esteem soared.

I think its great that you are supporting your boyfriend this much. I have actually had an ex-boyfriend say he didn't "believe in ADD." The lil things you say to him...just acknowleging the things he does, will be an excellent self esteem/mood booster. I think we add'ers are major mood swingers. The littlest compliment or the slightest criticism will make or break our entire day without the non-add'er even realizing it. So when he gets into his blue moods, I would just make sure you know you are there for him, how much you love him...no matter what. And maybe sneak in an extra compliment or two.

Good Luck

Tina

Hey Tina...

Sounds like you have a supportive family. That sure goes a long way to helping. I really appreciated your post...when you wrote about the cycle beginning I have seen that many times. You are right tho... when you have someone to kick ya' in the butt it does help....ADDer or not..lol...It is those hypoactive modes that are the hardest to see...I can only imagine how it is to have them...but I do understand.

Debra,

My actual family is actually not as supportive as I wish they would be. My mom does not understand how counseling or meds could help. She is also ADD and I think just refuses to accept it, so therefore isn't as accepting with me either. I have been told all my life (even though I was diagnosed in third grade) to quit making excuses. I am just now accepting the fact that having ADD does mean something.

On the other hand, I have a wonderful group of "big brothers" that have adopted me. Very close friends that view me as part of their family. It is these guys that support me and give me my swift kick in the butt LOL.

Tina

On the subjects of criticism/compliments and family...

I have read in a number of spots that ADDers are very often deeply cut by criticism, and very often the kind of people that "shrug off" most compliments, although they crave outside validation deeply. Speaking as someone who sometimes gets depressed and has a loving wife who tries to help me with I am, a compliment that sounds like it's just being made to help cheer you up isn't that magical to me... it'd be like if you asked your man to buy you roses and then he went and bought them for you, it wouldn't be the same as if he just went and bought them on his own.

As for family, my father and stepmother both do NOT believe I have ADD. They humour me when I talk about it but I can tell they think I am deluded.

My mother on the other hand has been very supportive, and she believes she has it too. She just adores the hunter/farmer paradigm.

Originally posted by Paul S
it'd be like if you asked your man to buy you roses and then he went and bought them for you, it wouldn't be the same as if he just went and bought them on his own.



so true paul and so with my ex-wife and now just ex-girlfriend i really tried to initiate this stuff on my own, the gifts that is.i know they appreciated it much more when i would come home with or send candy, flowers, etc.on my own without their having to ask me first. it makes them feel very loved, validated.especially if that personis an add'er.but i think its true for everyone.

and then ihave to initiate on my own again and again....but thats okay.the less selfish i am it seems the more a relationship works.

And God knows Dan was totally unselfish....:) -- throughout it all...

Having said that, thanks Deb for having brought up this subject. There are "down" feelings associated with ADD...and I agree, they are definitely associated with the ADD itself, its consequences, etc. For me, the ADD came first, THEN the depression....at least that's what the doctor claims....

For me some of my "dreams" are starting to come true...(after many many years of a seeming life of NOTHINGNESS).....but guess what, the depression is still there....it is such an insidious phenonemon, this depression thing, that has been there for SOOOO long, that changing my "outside" circumstances, i.e. realizing some of my lifelong dreams....does not magically clear away the depression. It's a lifelong struggle for me.....

With the realization of dreams comes NEW struggles and with those NEW struggles comes NEW depression....(sigh)....YUP, that's the truth...bummer, ain't it??? However, there IS a new sense of self-esteem with it...I must admit that..and so the depression "type" is different and so it certainly lasts less time when it comes on......

I also struggle with the "not good enoughs" and the "not doing enoughs" (could this be true for your friend, Deb?)....meaning no matter how far I get in life...or no matter how many compliments I might get or no matter how much I might accomplish in a day, the voices in me say I'm not doing enough...and God knows this really takes a toll in terms of depression.....YUCK....

In any event, support systems are EVERYTHING.....Paul, I'm glad your wife and mom are supportive....Garry, I'm glad you and your wife are strong after all these years...Tina I'm glad you have your "brothers"...Paula, I'm glad you have your husband and kids...and Deb I'm glad your friend has "you"....:)

Ouch... Joan when you mentioned the feelings of "Not being good enough" oh that struck home. I can point my finger at that feeling for the cause of most of my anxiety. I feel like I'm always seeking to be "normal" or at least a whole person. It was only in the last few years that I realized that I'm not only "whole" but I come with "extras" :D But I have this nagging image in my head of me holding up a sign above its head saying "Are you good enough to be...." Like a ghost.

Joan yes..alot of that not good enought stuff etc...he has been told that alot..and after a while you start to believe it. He has been treated over the years for depression..whilst ignoring the main thing the" ADD"! He was a good depressee tho'..he read all the books..did the med thing...did the pdoc route..but nothing really changed. He is off all psych meds now and doing much better. A little understanding and not being so sedated sure helps! (I know this from personal experience btw..lol) . I can't wait till I get to Ct sometime this year..when he will be able to have online access and share in this site. I am sure a whole new world of understanding will opened up to him. I can only read so much of this forum via the phone at night..lol....

Kassie: I hear you with the not only "whole" but with "extras"....:) I AGREE:) And relate to the sign above my head....

Deb: I hear you with the "good patient but not much changing" syndrome. Tbat happened for me as well with many of my inpatient experiences.....Needles to say, the inpatient experiences stopped. Yes you will enjoy Connecticut....:) (and New England) and he will enjoy the WEB and this site:)

So many people with ADD spend their entire lives trying to be "good enough" at what they do, and are then surprised when they look back and discover that they are better at it than anyone else...

Originally posted by Paul S
So many people with ADD spend their entire lives trying to be "good enough" at what they do, and are then surprised when they look back and discover that they are better at it than anyone else...


That is so true Paul and if ADD people could only read and understand those words befour they spend umpteen years trying to exist as normal in such a screwed up world

We are normal
its the rest of the world that is screwed up

Garry all I can say to that is AMEN!!!!!

Originally posted by joanrdtobe
In any event, support systems are EVERYTHING.....Paul, I'm glad your wife and mom are supportive....Garry, I'm glad you and your wife are strong after all these years...Tina I'm glad you have your "brothers"...Paula, I'm glad you have your husband and kids...and Deb I'm glad your friend has "you"....:)

And to you Joan

The amount of time effort and compasion that I see on this board that you so unselfishly give of yourself to all the newbies to make them feel welcome and to all the brothers and sisters that these newbie quickly turn into, We all here share our thoughts and feellings but if we had some way to count the words , the effort and the true love and emmotion that I see coming from your posts your score at the end of the count would br astronomical.

Thank you from me and I would be willing to bet from many many of the others that have come along and been made to feel very warm welcome and comfortable by your thoughts feelings and caring

Garry Lawton

This is what I would have liked to say, Joan, when I described you as "prolific" (I am not sure you took as the compliment it was meant to be, or meant to imply).

Jonathan.

Originally posted by Jonathan
This is what I would have liked to say, Joan, when I described you as "prolific" (I am not sure you took as the compliment it was meant to be, or meant to imply).

Jonathan. Oh yes I did Jonathan...after looking up the word prolific in a dictionary, I took it as one of the nicest compliments I have ever received....as nobody has ever referred to me as that before...:) So thanks Jonathan for making my day (and night)...:)

Originally posted by Garry Lawton


And to you Joan

The amount of time effort and compasion that I see on this board that you so unselfishly give of yourself to all the newbies to make them feel welcome and to all the brothers and sisters that these newbie quickly turn into, We all here share our thoughts and feellings but if we had some way to count the words , the effort and the true love and emmotion that I see coming from your posts your score at the end of the count would br astronomical.

Thank you from me and I would be willing to bet from many many of the others that have come along and been made to feel very warm welcome and comfortable by your thoughts feelings and caring

Garry Lawton

Garry: I've avoided responding to this as I've truly NOT known what to say in response.....I don't tend to hear things said to me like this by people in my own life......um......so all I can say is your words are truly and deeply heartfelt....and I appreciate them from the bottom of my heart and all I can say is that it's the people on these forums that makes forums what it is....and well, THANKS Garry....you're pretty great too:)

Hey I agree with those boys full heartedly...but I must admit Garry is pretty good at sharing his time and heart too..don't ya think? This place is blessed to have you both.

I'll second that as well!

Originally posted by Debralee
Hey I agree with those boys full ...but I must admit Garry is pretty good at sharing his time and heart too..don't ya think?


True Deb...and I do appreciate Garry.....but here at this time Garry was taking an opportunity to validate and compliment ME in a special way with some wonderful words.....and it felt REALLLLLLLLLY good.......so once again, thanks to Garry for your kind words:)

LOL..yeah I know Joan...but I thougth it was time for a group hug!!!! *wink*

Grin

My speacalty is looking for things to share with other people

theres no need for me to waste my brain cells trying to put words together when I can sit back and watch Joan say what Im thinking and put it into words that all go together to make clear and conscise sentences

Thanks again Joan

Originally posted by Garry Lawton
Grin

My speacalty is looking for things to share with other people

theres no need for me to waste my brain cells trying to put words together when I can sit back and watch Joan say what Im thinking and put it into words that all go together to make clear and conscise sentences

Thanks again Joan

With a "grin" and with a few "tears" (of joy) and with a "sigh of relief"....my message to YOU Garry, is THANKS ONCE AGAIN....:) and incidentally, I hope you've had a great day....

Originally posted by waywardclam
So many people with ADD spend their entire lives trying to be "good enough" at what they do, and are then surprised when they look back and discover that they are better at it than anyone else...

Sorry for digging this up, found it because a "Guest" was browsing the thread. Gee all I can say is "OUCH!!!!!"

That one hit home with me somewhat rotten! :eek:

This is one of the things i am talking about in this thread

How does everybody keep track of all the threads

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=2878

a lot of good informnation gets lost here as we move on in time only to be resurfaced if that paticular post is visited besomeone and they do a new post in it to make it active again

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=2878

Originally posted by waywardclam


So many people with ADD spend their entire lives trying to be "good enough" at what they do, and are then surprised when they look back and discover that they are better at it than anyone else...

Originally posted by Sc@tterBr@in_UK


Sorry for digging this up, found it because a "Guest" was browsing the thread. Gee all I can say is "OUCH!!!!!"

That one hit home with me somewhat rotten! :eek:

When you think about thisit is so true if you look back over your life and think about all the positive things that we have done

the sooner we relise this and can start looking at our accomplishments in life and rejoicing

and

looking at what we or everone else calls our failures

and relise that they were not failures but that they were learning experences that have helped to shape our present and will continue to shape our future


I myself have never failed at anything in my entire life !!!!!

I have screwed up big time , many times over, and have felt and endured the pain and humilkiation of the screwups, but now when I look back at them I can laugh and relise that I wont do that again,

I may do the same thing but I will do it differently and then view the results and compare

this is my opinion and it works for me

Garry,

Best I can describe it, the forums are like a library. So many tomes of information...it takes just a little bit of searching to find all the information you seek.

If you're looking for something, just type a phrase or word into the search tool at the top of the screen, and all the relevant posts will appear.

Originally posted by Debralee
Hi All,

I found this place to understand my partner who has ADD. I have found great support and info here. But tonight I want to ask a question. It is about the times when some who have ADD are blue, or in space, generally down. I know not all have this...but some do experience it. I have had bouts of depression in the past and I can understand blues. But this is not the same. I don't even know if I am asking the question right..but hopefully someone will know what I am trying to ask. If anyone has a link or a site or even a post here that I can read...it would be greatly appreciated.

Without reading what anyone else has said.. (apologies if they end up being needed)

The difference between "clinical depression"

The term clinical depression refers to any form of depression that requires some form of treatment in order to alleviate it. It is quite normal for people to become depressed when something bad happens, such as the death of a loved one or an end to a relationship. This type of depression normally goes away after some time; but in some cases it persists for much longer. It can last for periods of six months or more, and then it falls under the classification of clinical depression

The "problem" for the ADHD is that there are PLENTY OF REASONS on an ONGOING basis to support temporary depression from events.

IMHO.

The difference is, that on any given day, at any given time, readily within reach are enough reasons to make a Saint Depressed. IMHO. Poor memory is the ADHDers friend in this case. So is distractability. Without these two, the pain, justified pain, of ADHD would probably be leathal more often, IMHO.

In My Humble Opinion. IMHO

The message(s) behind this post will go perfectly into the "Forums Book" I've been slowly developing....

I relate to the down feelings, too. Most of the time they're tied to anxiety or worries...I have such a hard time "snapping out of it." Sometimes I just LOVE being in my head; other times it can be a prison....

How I explain it to people is that the depression/anxiety are shadows of the AD/HD cast by our perception of others' successes.

nice one FlakeyGirl.. although it's getting harder all the time to call you Flakey.. < g >

Thanks, I have my moments.