View Full Version : A thing that I have... a... disgust for work/job doing things.


addler
06-18-16, 07:50 AM
And I have never read anyone's story that would have had the same issue.

I have diagnosed ADHD and I know what is this thing I've also read many books and articles but there is no single account of what I have to deal with.

The best match that is analogous to thing that I have in head while trying to do something that is more far reaching in consequences is like with these people with rabies when asked to drink water, a virus is doing something to their brain and they are unable do do it but only in a presence of physical cup next to their mouths. They want to drink but their body protests just as they are actually proceeding to drink, and it is not overcomable by just trying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtiytblJzQc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd6Vv0C64wU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLDNO3PHCe0


When I'm watching this I feel some connectendess with their expressions and what I actually feel when I'm trying to do what I actually want to do. It doesn't matter if it is something that I planned from begin to end or if it is something asked from my at my work if it is more than a single "right-a-way" thing. And this was as much as I remember in childhood, asked by parents of a small matter I always ended doing something else. It was not caused by disobedience or a planned disbehavior to obtain some other concern. It was not also caused by dissociation by environment, but to certain amount yes, I have ADHD and this is thing that also has a place in my doings.

But the problem here is something else, as like some avoidance in my brain without any other visible causes. When I got this feeling I've got no fear, I know what I have to do and for what I'm doing so, I'm not forgetting and taking other task. I feel that what I'm trying to do will take forever, that I've never see the end of that work. Maybe is that a reason I don't know. But the effect is that my mind is itself protesting by removing from my consciousness things that are needed for the task, it uses the mechanism of "selective attention" (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention#Selective_attention_and_visual_attention ) so I cannot see and associate many elements because they like this gorilla (
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJG698U2Mvo
) are just out of my mind with any clue that something important may be in that state of things.

I don't drive a car but I feel that if I had to drive somewhere for things and be in this "not-want-to-do" state I might just drove over someone (especially a child because they are small, even my child, dog or something) and just do not see what "that bump was for". So this is not only a conscious escape but my mind is doing a set of tricks on me and on not of all of them I have control. Just to not do it.

But that state is very short lasting, only when job is "at hand". If I think about something before and for example I'm promising to someone or to myself a task I'm actually feeling happiness and hope that I'm will do it and with real enjoyment. So like in these rabies people - only when they are in that task when this is actually happening that disgust comes in.

And again there is not fear.. there is a something like somebody would asked you to do something long lasting, boring and unnecessary. But this also does not represent the feel of that.