View Full Version : Worried Mother


Noosabelle
06-20-16, 03:20 PM
My son was diagnosed with ADD by Gordon Serfontein in Sydney. He was 8 in 1990. He had an ok time through school and managed to get into university. This is when his self esteem crashed. Living away from home and not able to organise himself he failed 1st year Uni. He threw in the towel. We tried everything to help him even working for his father. He has been sacked so many times from jobs that he no longer works aged 33. My husband and I set up an income source for him through two properties we bought for him. We manage but this gives him money to live off and we thought gives him some type of dignity. He met a girl fell in love and they have two beautiful children. She knows he can't hold a job so she works. Recently we decided to give them a down deposit for a home of their own as they have been renting for awhile now. Well my sons income isn't huge and his partners isn't either. The bank refused their loan. Here comes the ADD shining brightly! They went out and bought a house way beyond their means they tried to get a loan for 700k on the 50k deposit we gave them. We did say we thought they could afford a house around 450k loan for 400k and live well.
So my son is now again in a angry oppositional defiant mood plus this usually follows with depression. His partner has gone completely silent on us. We were just trying to help so they could have their own roof over their heads. We never imagined that they would go and purchase a house 3 days after us giving them the money. We thought they would discuss with us first. Of course after speaking to our bank manager their paperwork was in disarray This is one reason they were refused the loan. Should we step in and fix or ignore? I worry on what the future holds for our son when we are no longer here. Bring do impulsive with money in his pocket. Also this could cause the fall of his relationship. What a mess. Would love to hear from anyone

elvis1
06-20-16, 07:30 PM
I recommend taking the name of the psychiatrist.

mildadhd
06-20-16, 08:59 PM
Fascinating topics really.

underaccommodation for impairment, accommodation for impairment, overaccommodation for impairment




m

Little Missy
06-20-16, 09:04 PM
Unless I am incorrect, never give that much money to an adult child with ADHD. Ever. The only time they figure it out is When There Is Nothing And No One Left.

Pilgrim
06-20-16, 10:39 PM
A question , are you worried about his attitude now or how he will cope in the future.

Missy above, that's a good place to start from. I know a little toward this as I'm trying to think of my next big life financial movement. I just cope with a job ,I'm good with people but one thing I just can't do is look at realism when it comes to big purchases like that, I just can't do it. Help him climb out of his mess now and when your not here he will have to deal with everything. If my parents helped me buy a house like that, I'd kiss there feet.

Can I also say, never take away his self confidence. That's all you have, and it's fragile with ADD. Lots of early failures can blow this to pieces.

I must say if I was a parent I would expect full effort from him. The tricky thing about ADD is it manifests different in every single sufferer. So for significant others , it's a minefield for everyone, to understand his strengths and weaknesses is a great step forward. Take care of the weaknesses and play on the strengths.

Goodluck

Cyllya
06-21-16, 12:54 AM
Yikes, that seems severe. :(

Is he getting treatment for his ADHD? If not, why? If yes, is it possible that treatment can be improved? If you can provide encouragement and assistance toward getting him adequate treatment, that will make a big difference. This assumes he agrees that he needs treatment; there's a limit to how much you can protect someone from themselves.

You said he bought the house impulsively but you also mentioned that he is now angry/oppositional/defiant. Does he disagree with you regarding whether it was a bad idea to buy the house? Did the wife agree with him about getting the house, or did he just bully her into it? Do the income properties officially belong to him? I ask because these are some factors that will affect how he's going to manage going forward:
If he recognizes the house purchase as a mistake, at least that means he's making progress.
If the wife can make good decisions, that'll go a long way for helping him in the long term... but only if he actually cooperates with her.
Any assets that are owned by you are protected from him going through bankruptcy, divorce, garnishments, reckless spending, etc. You can probably set up a trust for him too.


I don't know anything about buying houses, but I'm surprised that they were able to buy something when they had inadequate cash and no loan. Are they on the hook for 700k to the seller or what?

Unless I am incorrect, never give that much money to an adult child with ADHD. Ever. The only time they figure it out is When There Is Nothing And No One Left.

What is the "it" they'd be figuring out? I've never had serious impulsivity problems, but I get the impression that it has little to do with knowledge or understanding. Instead, it's about being able to control behavior. It doesn't matter how much you learn from your mistakes if you can't use that knowledge to prevent your next screw-up.

I'm an adult with ADHD, and if my mom suddenly handed me 50k, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do anything too crazy with it. This is not because I've previously been abandoned and destitute and it caused me to Figure It Out. It's because I had the good fortune to never have impulse-control impairments from the beginning.

acdc01
06-21-16, 10:29 AM
I'd get a lawyer and work on your will/trust to make sure it's set up in a way where he only gets a yearly stipend and has to control his money. That he can't borrow big loans with it using your money as collateral. You never know when something might happen to you so best to secure your finances now. If this is controlled, even if he never learns control himself, he won't be able to totally screw himself over.

I don't fully understand the house issue either. Maybe it's different in the US versus Australia. Here, if you don't qualify for the loan, you can't buy the house. So nothing lost at all and no need to bail out anyone.

Your son does sound like he needs help and that whatever help he's getting isn't working so he does need to switch treatment (i.e. new drs, meds, etc.).

I wouldn't cut your son off cold turkey but he definitely won't understand the value of money when it's just given to him so freely.

Overall, you guys seem like very kind parents. Just remember there's only so much you can do for your kids sometimes so don't let them bring you down with them.

Pilgrim
06-21-16, 07:30 PM
I think what she means is , over here, if he got the house and couldn't make the repayments.

House prices over here are ridiculous.

iServe
06-22-16, 06:50 PM
I hear and appreciate your parents heart to see your children succeed in life regardless of what life throws at them. You and your husband have been an incredible resource for your child throughout the years through thick and thin-wonderful. You have done for your son more then most parents would have the ability to do in similar situations. Moving forward, I want to encourage you take care of yourself and don't extend yourself being what you both can handle. Don't rush into fixing the situation. Give things a little time and allow them to learn from the decisions they made (right, wrong, or indifferent). They must learn to be responsible adults and parents. It's though to see our kids (little or grow) fail, hurt, or struggle. Some of the greatest lessons come through the tough times. Be a phone call away, encourage them when possible, love hard, teach the truth, and let them be grown ups. God bless and thanks for sharing!

Little Missy
06-22-16, 08:59 PM
I think what she means is , over here, if he got the house and couldn't make the repayments.

House prices over here are ridiculous.

It is so far from 20% down but who knows how the banking is there?

Pilgrim
06-22-16, 11:49 PM
It is so far from 20% down but who knows how the banking is there?

The prices will drop, it's the only thing that keeps the economy up.

Banks are aggressive financial institutions.

TLCisaQT
06-23-16, 07:59 PM
I can tell through your post that you love your son so much and have really done so much for him because of it; however honestly because he didn't learn to be able to handle big decisions/situations on his own, he definitely was NOT ready to handle making this one on his own despite thinking they could!! Unfortunately, you gave them the means to make a decision but not much practicL knowledge - even if well meaninged. I don't understand how they are able to buy a 700 k house if their previous loan wasn't approved? You could offer your loving support and concern as a parent, but i would not offer more money nor bail them out of a poor consequence of it happens because otherwise they will never learn. Having adhd isn't an excuse for not being able to learn or function but some people can use it as such, especially if other people enable you to do so! I get the battle as a parent - it is easier said than done.