View Full Version : I'm getting worse

06-20-16, 06:52 PM
Good evening,
I'm posting here because I'm totally desperate and your help could be really useful for me. In advance I am sorry for my English because I'm French. So here is my story:

Naturally anxious since I was little I would sometimes vomit classroom during exams. I already had a severe stress since I was born but I was not aware…I lived without being aware of my anxiety.
Later at 6/7 years old I had a period where I had a fever, I started having very traumatic visual hallucinations that stopped overnight. I do not remember if I've changed mentally since but I remember that since I was a kid I was rather shy and somewhat reserved. I was not that exited kid. The years past and I felt less anxious, but I always had a sort of lack in self-confidence.

Later got my puberty, and anxiety came back stronger, with physical and psychological symptoms: sweaty hands and feet, heavy eyes, social anxiety, trembling muscles but especially a bad concentration (following a conversation), no existent mental clarity and self-confidence still very low. I was rather in a unstable mood ,I had fun doing some things but I was not aware, I was living with.

At the age of 19/20 in high school I entered a new era: the circle of drugs.
First it was alcohol: my first drink I felt completely uninhibited with full confidence, happy and without any anxiety. a new discovery for me.
Then I tested the cannabis, and my first experience was an amazing magic moments. I physically felt my brain opened:
My first time I felt an intense euphoria, physical and mental well-being, more vivid colors and incredible hapiness and Extremely intense libido. But the most tremendous thing is that I had a hallucination, but also memories which I did not remember (episodic memory), unimaginable creativity and completely disappeared anxiety, better concentration and increased understanding.
But then I start to have some bad trip: I became completely paranoid and Extremely anxious, and I had a terrifying hallucination like I was going to die with a sensation of seeing me shrink and melt, I totally panicked.
A few days later I started smoking cigarettes : Short feeling of well-being, and feeling of being stimulated.

After these felt I became aware of my mental problem, I opened my eyes and I consulted a psychiatrist who prescribed a SSRI : Paxil.
A month after taking it I felt no difference and I decided to stop it.
Two or 1 months later I was feeling less the positive effects of weed and cigarettes. and the more time passed the more positive effects became negative. Goodbye High feeling.
although I could not feel the high of weed i continued smoking and I kept hoping one day the effects return.
But unfortunately not, every time when I smoked I became completely tired and I have anxiety attack and sometimes some bad trip.
As the days passed more I felt the bottom, my anxiety returned stronger, the little empathy and hapiness I had was gone and I felt completely empty, empty of emotions total apathy total lack of humor and motivation and libido completely down. A kind of depersonalization. I thought all this probably comes from ssri or bad trips that I was getting with the weed.

I started having obsessive thoughts and I cannot stop analyze the life and other things like : « I'm normal? I’m feeling normal or is it like the first effects of the weed? People feel like me? they all have a mental clarity ? yes if all people are like you the world would be dark »
Socially i was worse, I was in slow motion, I meant I had trouble finding my words, to understand what the other was telling me. I dont have anything to talk about.
My ability to dream or imagine awake completely disappeared. Even when I close my eyes I can not imagine. A completely down creativity.
Physically I feel that my brain is blocked with a pressure around the head and a completely stiff neck with a little pain : also a feeling of a empty in my head and non existent cognitive abilities. And oh my god I'm so indiferrent, I can not cry. No sadness no excitement but desperation and frustration
I constantly have hot body, clammy hands, trembling muscles and a heart that beats faster.

But the worst part is that all the stimulus and other drugs, make me worse, the more tense anxious, more apathic, more anhedonia. :

-Alcohol: Only if I drink more than 10 glass I begin to feel a slight decrease in anxiety. But no mental or physical well-being.
-Weed: No euphoria, no relaxation, nothing appart be weirder and anxious. Pressure around the head and cognition worse.
-Cigarette : I dont take more pleasure in smoking. I stopped
-Additional Food: tyrosine, 5-htp, and Phenibut (I tested a year ago and it made me feel great) but now I do not even feel anything also in high-dose
-Coke: No euphoria, heart beating faster, high anxiety and a worse pression around the head and cognitive abilities worst
-Ritalin: Liltle more confident but that apart, nothing .Heart which beats faster and worse cognition.
-LSD: I tried microdosing I felt nothing. A higher dose I was just more anxious and always this impression of head pressure and have the impression of being weird. But when I closed my eyes I had some hallucinations.
-SSRI: Paxil, effexor, celexa, fluoxetine made me into a worse state. A true zombie.
-Low dose Antipsychotic dose: Solian Abilify and felt no effects.
Benzo: rumination still here and decreased anxiety .but I feel like a vegetable, no desire, only the desire to sleep and do nothing.

Why all this doesnt work ?
I suspect the SSRI or the badtrip of weed , killed the emotions I had. I feel they have blocked my brain with this constant head pressure.
Nothing changed I am in the same state. I hate myself .. I'm young and I feel not to live like others. I soon would consult a psychologist but I leave discouraged because I am convinced that my condition is caused by a chemical imbalance.
That is why I am here asking for help please If anyone knows what happens to me. I wish you to be happy in your life because it is the most beautiful world's wealth.

06-21-16, 01:31 PM
Go to a psychiatrist, not a psychologist, and tell him/her about your issues. Please stop taking illegal drugs because they can be very dangerous in the long term or even the short term, if you're unlucky enough. You only tried very few types of medication, so there are still many more that might actually help you. How did you get Ritalin and how long did you try taking it? For me Concerta has been a life changer. I had the same side effects you got with Ritalin, but then I also started taking a beta-blocker, which cancels out all the nasty side effects from Concerta. I got get the same side-effects from anti-anxiety medication so I only take it as an occassional sleeping aid or when I'm having a panic attack (I'm taking about benzos here, SSRI's are awful for me). If you find the right combination of meds, it can improve your life considerably.

06-21-16, 02:32 PM
Thank you for your reply,
I get the ritalin from my neurologist, i have been on concerta before but it have the same effect with this head pressure. I tried before to take propranolol with ritalin but it cancel the little positive and negative effect from ritalin.

I'm sure im on a serious depression with a little depersonalization induced by my extreme anxiety. But i dont understand why all this drugs doesn't works.
I will see a psychiatrist and update my post.