View Full Version : Guy hitting on my girlfriend as soon as I turn my back


Hermus
06-27-16, 04:46 AM
Last Saturday I was out with my new girlfriend and we met an old friend of hers. He joined us and we had some conversation. Then I went to the bar to get some drinks. When I turned around again I saw this guy flirting with her by stroking her hair. She didn't respond to it at all and he stopped quite quickly. Later on I discussed it with her and she said him always hitting on her was the reason she didn't hang out with him anymore for quite some time. So I don't think there's really any reason for me to be alarmed.

However, it still bothers me. First, what does it say about his attitude towards her that he thinks she's that easy he can just start touching her as soon as I turned my back? Second, it just feels like he's being disrespectful towards me. Obviously he's aware that his behaviour is inappropriate. Otherwise he wouldn't have waited until I turned my back.

At that moment I just ignored it, since I didn't want to pick a fight with her friends. However, it really feels bad that he does not show any respect towards the both of us. I'm not sure how to handle this kind of situation in the future. Ignoring it and becoming the guy whose girlfriend other guys always think they can hit on seems to be a bad option. On the other hand picking fights with her friends also does not seem like a good thing for our relationship.

stef
06-27-16, 04:50 AM
If she agreed to hang out with him, it could be because she now has a great BF:)
and figured the guy wouldn't flirt with her anymore.

TheFitFatty
06-27-16, 05:04 AM
Ok, I'm going to take a deep breath and remind myself that since you're from the Netherlands English is probably not your first language, so you may not mean exactly what you're implying.

And everyone can feel free to call be a raging feminist. But..

But lets' just highlight some points.

new girlfriend

he thinks she's that easy

being disrespectful towards me.


does not show any respect towards the both of US.


Ignoring it and becoming the guy whose girlfriend other guys always think they can hit on seems to be a bad option.

She is NOT your possession. She is a "new" girlfriend, not your new car or your new house. Another man flirting with her is not disrespecting you, he's trying his luck. If he had continued to push his advances despite her obvious lack of interest then he is dis-respecting HER, but not you. Because you do not own her.

He is under no obligation to show you respect.

And even if she did choose to sleep with him, another guy, an entire football team, she's not easy. She's an adult. She can sleep with who she wishes. You can't control that. You can TRUST her not to, because that's the commitment you've made between the two of you, but you can't stop her if she chooses to, anymore than she can stop you.

IF he had continued to push it despite her protests, or become aggressive, THEN you would have been obligated to say something, but not "Hey she's mine back off" but rather "listen to her and stop being rapey." The same thing you would do for any friend, male or female, that you witnessed in a potential dangerous situation.

Otherwise, how she chooses to handle her friend is her business.

You keep these things in mind, and you won't be the "the guy whose girlfriend other guys always think they can hit on" you'll be the guy who treats his girlfriend like an adult, intelligent, human being capable of deciding for herself who she wants to sleep with.

Hermus
06-27-16, 05:08 AM
If she agreed to hang out with him, it could be because she now has a great BF:)
and figured the guy wouldn't flirt with her anymore.

It was more that we accidentally met and it's not really about her. She didn't show any signs that she was interested in him flirting with her. It's more about this guy's behaviour that is disrespectul to the both of us and which I don't know how to respond to. I really feel like I'm weak for letting this guy hit on my girl and then taking him drinks and acting like nothing was going on. At the same time I really wasn't sure I could do anything about it. She calls him a friend (nice friends if they're only interested in getting in your pants, if you ask me), so I figured that if I told him off I would not only have a fight with him but with her as well.

I would have preferred she would have told him clear and straight that his behaviour was inappropriate. But I know her well enough to know that this is just something she has difficulties with and I understand where that is coming from. So maybe I should step in and tell. On the other hand I don't want to look overly possessive. :umm1:

Hermus
06-27-16, 05:17 AM
*cut*

We are in a monogamous relationship and I think that was very clear to him. I personally never would try to hit on someone if I knew they were in a monogamous relationship. Especially when her boyfriend was around. A relationship is not a kind of game in which the outside world should constantly try to seduce someone to cheat, is it? Personally I would really not accept it if a girl was trying to hit on me, while my girlfriend just was gone to get some drinks or go to the toilet or whatever. But obviously you think it's perfectly okay to act behind people's back.

And if his behaviour is okay and he can try to get her to cheat, why then wait until I turn my back? If it is normal behaviour he can do it right in front of me. Doesn't he?

TheFitFatty
06-27-16, 05:25 AM
I think you missed my point.

Bottom line is you don't own your girlfriend. It's not your place to step in and protect her from "big bad men who might try to steal her" because she's not an object that can be stolen. She's an adult. If you feel weak or jealous, than that's your issues, not hers, not his.

Hermus
06-27-16, 05:29 AM
I think you missed my point.

Bottom line is you don't own your girlfriend. It's not your place to step in and protect her from "big bad men who might try to steal her" because she's not an object that can be stolen. She's an adult. If you feel weak or jealous, than that's your issues, not hers, not his.

So I just should be okay with his behaviour and smile and be nice to him afterwards? I really can't agree with you.

TheFitFatty
06-27-16, 05:38 AM
So I just should be okay with his behaviour and smile and be nice to him afterwards? I really can't agree with you.

No, you don't ever have to see him again if you don't want to. He's not your friend.

If your girlfriend wants you to go for drinks with him again, you can say "No thanks, I don't like him, you say he keeps flirting with you despite you turning him down and I think only rapey jerks do that."

If she insists, then you can start to question her motives for wanting to hang out with someone who she says makes her uncomfortable, and decide if you can accept that in your relationship.

You can't make her not see him.

However, given that she said " him always hitting on her was the reason she didn't hang out with him anymore for quite some time." I don't think her wanting to go for drinks with him again will be an issue, or her making you see him again. So therefore, there is no issue.

You don't even have to say hello to the guy if you ever see him again.

The only issue here seems to be your bruised ego, because you feel someone was trying to take something that belongs to you.

Hermus
06-27-16, 05:54 AM
So I just should be okay with his behaviour and smile and be nice to him afterwards? I really can't agree with you.

No, you don't ever have to see him again if you don't want to. He's not your friend.

If your girlfriend wants you to go for drinks with him again, you can say "No thanks, I don't like him, you say he keeps flirting with you despite you turning him down and I think only rapey jerks do that."

If she insists, then you can start to question her motives for wanting to hang out with someone who she says makes her uncomfortable, and decide if you can accept that in your relationship.

You can't make her not see him.

However, given that she said " him always hitting on her was the reason she didn't hang out with him anymore for quite some time." I don't think her wanting to go for drinks with him again will be an issue, or her making you see him again. So therefore, there is no issue.

You don't even have to say hello to the guy if you ever see him again.

The only issue here seems to be your bruised ego, because you feel someone was trying to take something that belongs to you.

Well, actually we live in a small city and frequent the same bars regularly. So the chances of meeting this guy again are quite high. Since he was sitting with us, it also was not really an option to get away from him immediately.

In my point of view there were a few things I could have done.

1. Leaving myself (with or without her) or asking him to leave.
2. Asking him why he was hitting on my girlfriend behind my back. (And yes, I keep insisting that it's proper behaviour to respect other people's monogamous relationship and that goes for men and women alike.)
3. Sit there, smile and act like nothing happened.

I chose option 3, since option 1 and 2 could have caused a conflict that I wasn't willing to risk.

TheFitFatty
06-27-16, 06:03 AM
*3. Sit there, smile and act like nothing happened.*

Personally, I call that taking the "higher ground" and I don't consider the men who do that to be weak. I consider them to be intelligent, in control of their emotions, and, most importantly, not Neanderthals.

What you should do, since this guy clearly makes both you and your girlfriend uncomfortable, is decide as a couple how you'll handle the next time you run into him.

If it were me, I'd keep any chit-chat brief, decline drinks, and walk away. I'd also make sure my husband didn't wander off to talk to anyone else during that brief exchange (not because I can't handle the creep myself, but because I don't even want to give him the opportunity to flirt).

At the end of the day, he's really your girlfriends problem to handle and you should follow her lead.

Fuzzy12
06-27-16, 06:17 AM
I can imagine that must have been annoying but I think you handled it really well. In the future I guess the best is to just ignore him unless your girlfriend asks you to intervene (though I'd hope that she would first say something to her friend herself before getting you involved in any way).

I don't think you would be seen as the guy who lets other guys hit on his girlfriend but you'll be seen as someone who is very confident and secure and won't be intimated by other guys.

stef
06-27-16, 07:00 AM
I didn't really answer your question, sorry
totally agree with the post above!

Hermus
06-27-16, 12:24 PM
The three of you are right, I believe. However, for me it's difficult to dealt with this situation since there is some hard-wired insecurity in me that makes me believe that women will leave me once they find a better option. That actually has nothing to do with my gf at all, but makes this guy's behaviour difficult to cope with.

Also she is giving a big birthday party this Saturday where a lot of people are coming. I already have to meet her parents for the first time. This guy is also invited. The thought that I have to meet her parents and friends, while at the same time taking the risk I might be embarrassed in front of them all by him flirting with her makes me somewhat anxious.

Fuzzy12
06-27-16, 01:20 PM
The three of you are right, I believe. However, for me it's difficult to dealt with this situation since there is some hard-wired insecurity in me that makes me believe that women will leave me once they find a better option. That actually has nothing to do with my gf at all, but makes this guy's behaviour difficult to cope with.

Also she is giving a big birthday party this Saturday where a lot of people are coming. I already have to meet her parents for the first time. This guy is also invited. The thought that I have to meet her parents and friends, while at the same time taking the risk I might be embarrassed in front of them all by him flirting with her makes me somewhat anxious.

Meeting the parents is nerve wrecking though the fact that she is happy for you to meet her parents i guess means she definitely thinks well of you and is serious about you rather than just using you as a platform for better things.

I think maybe try to look at it this way. Whatever this guy does it does not embarass you. His actions can never be an embarassment to you. If he hits on somebody else's girlfriend everyone else will think HE is a jerk.

I honestly genuinely believe that people will appreciate if you keep your calm and and just laugh it off confidently. I would find that very impressive. If you react it could go very wrong very quickly.

I remember going to a club a while ago. One of our friends got really wasted and kept dancing with this random girl the whole night and tried to get quite friendly with her. Just before leaving he put his arms around her and asked a bystander to take a photo of him and this girl, which the bystander happily did.

We then realised that this bystander was actually her boyfriend. He'd had fun the whole evening and it was all good. He was so cool about the whole thing though. He even asked us to take a pic of the three of them, he was super friendly and confident and all of us were super impressed. I'd never seen that guy before or even noticed him but he went up in attractiveness by about 10 notches when we realised how cool he was.


Anyway long silly story. Try to focus on impressing the parents (and trust me on this: no parent will want to see their daughter with someone who comes across as jealous or possessive. That would send the alarm bells into over drive). You are a good guy and your girlfriend obviously cares. This other guy isn't important enough to really bother about.

Hermus
06-27-16, 01:32 PM
Thanks, Fuzzy. I agree with you. Probably I even need to put my thoughts upside down. Probably it's my social anxiety that makes the situation such a problem in the first place.

By the way if I were the boyfriend in your story I certainly wouldn't mind if my gf talked and maybe danced a bit with this other guy. However, I think I would find it a problem if she is dancing with him all evening while being out with me. Wouldn't hgave been unreasonable for him to step in and say: Cool you're giving other people some attention, but since we're here together I'd like some attention as well.

midnightstar
06-27-16, 03:34 PM
Not finished reading the thread yet, but let me get this straight in my brain:

Your girlfriend isn't comfortable with his attentions in that way, have I understood correctly? Is she actively telling him (either verbally or body language) that she's not comfortable with him acting that way towards her?

BellaVita
06-27-16, 08:50 PM
If she's uncomfortable with it, then she needs to tell him straight-up to stop hitting on her. And if he physically harasses her - she should report him or something.

But you can't control other people - some people are disrespectful and will try to hit on people they know are taken.

You have to trust her.

I wouldn't worry about it.

aeon
06-27-16, 09:06 PM
Years ago, I took the “high road” in a very similar situation.

After the infidelity had occurred, she told me that my lack of willingness to fight
for her was a definite turn-off, and that the fact someone was willing to pursue,
even in front of me, was a turn-on.

There’s no win here, no right way to go.

Of course she is going to do what she wants, and rightly so.

That said, to deny human mating rituals and thousands of years of culture
based on those rituals is either wantonly foolish, or willfully oblivious, or both,
in my opinion.

And yes, my opinion is likely 98% baggage, for what it is worth.


Good Luck,
Ian

Fuzzy12
06-28-16, 01:16 AM
Years ago, I took the “high road” in a very similar situation.

After the infidelity had occurred, she told me that my lack of willingness to fight
for her was a definite turn-off, and that the fact someone was willing to pursue,
even in front of me, was a turn-on.

There’s no win here, no right way to go.

Of course she is going to do what she wants, and rightly so.

That said, to deny human mating rituals and thousands of years of culture
based on those rituals is either wantonly foolish, or willfully oblivious, or both,
in my opinion.

And yes, my opinion is likely 98% baggage, for what it is worth.


Good Luck,
Ian

To be honest aeon sounds to me like she was just looking for reasons to excuse her infidelity. Just some thing she could pin on you.

Hermus
06-28-16, 01:32 AM
Years ago, I took the “high road” in a very similar situation.

After the infidelity had occurred, she told me that my lack of willingness to fight
for her was a definite turn-off, and that the fact someone was willing to pursue,
even in front of me, was a turn-on.

There’s no win here, no right way to go.

Of course she is going to do what she wants, and rightly so.

That said, to deny human mating rituals and thousands of years of culture
based on those rituals is either wantonly foolish, or willfully oblivious, or both,
in my opinion.

And yes, my opinion is likely 98% baggage, for what it is worth.


Good Luck,
Ian

How dare this girl act on her natural female instincts? Such a betrayal of righteous feminist principles. :p

TheFitFatty
06-28-16, 02:34 AM
Years ago, I took the “high road” in a very similar situation.

After the infidelity had occurred, she told me that my lack of willingness to fight
for her was a definite turn-off, and that the fact someone was willing to pursue,
even in front of me, was a turn-on.

There’s no win here, no right way to go.

Of course she is going to do what she wants, and rightly so.

That said, to deny human mating rituals and thousands of years of culture
based on those rituals is either wantonly foolish, or willfully oblivious, or both,
in my opinion.

And yes, my opinion is likely 98% baggage, for what it is worth.


Good Luck,
Ian

Sounds like she's looking for excuses. If you had fought for her, than that would have been the reason for her infidelity. Sometimes people are just cheaters.

One of the things that most attracted me to my husband is how confident he was. Living in the Middle East I get hit on A LOT (not because I'm particularly attractive, but because I'm a Western woman and there's a lot of stigma attached to that), my husband thinks it's hilarious and teases me about it. He knows these guys (and occasional girl :D) are no threat to him and will make faces at me across the room while I'm trying to detach myself from conversation with them.

Hermus
06-28-16, 03:05 AM
Sounds like she's looking for excuses. If you had fought for her, than that would have been the reason for her infidelity. Sometimes people are just cheaters.

One of the things that most attracted me to my husband is how confident he was. Living in the Middle East I get hit on A LOT (not because I'm particularly attractive, but because I'm a Western woman and there's a lot of stigma attached to that), my husband thinks it's hilarious and teases me about it. He knows these guys (and occasional girl :D) are no threat to him and will make faces at me across the room while I'm trying to detach myself from conversation with them.

Sometimes people are just cheaters, but some people get cheated on more than others. That is no coincidence.

In theory I don't disagree with your feminist principles. Problem is that reality doesn't always follow principles. Where are all these passive men that don't stick up for themselves and those around them and are a huge success with women? I don't know any examples tbh.

Everything considered I think I did right by not picking a fight immediately. However, I still believe there is nothing wrong with defending your (monogamous) relationship against intruders. If I was at a table with my girlfriend and another girl and the other girl started touching me in obviously sexual manner, I would find it perfectly acceptable for my girlfriend to plant her nails in that girl's face and rip her hair out as well. Playing nice to someone who is sitting at your table and then trying to hit on their partner as soon as they turn their back for a moment to me still counts like morally reprehensible behaviour.

TheFitFatty
06-28-16, 03:18 AM
Sometimes people are just cheaters, but some people get cheated on more than others. That is no coincidence.

In theory I don't disagree with your feminist principles. Problem is that reality doesn't always follow principles. Where are all these passive men that don't stick up for themselves and those around them and are a huge success with women? I don't know any examples tbh.

Everything considered I think I did right by not picking a fight immediately. However, I still believe there is nothing wrong with defending your (monogamous) relationship against intruders. If I was at a table with my girlfriend and another girl and the other girl started touching me in obviously sexual manner, I would find it perfectly acceptable for my girlfriend to plant her nails in that girl's face and rip her hair out as well.


Nope, it's not a coincidence. Because people with low self esteem tend to seek out relationships with people who validate their low opinion of themselves. It's why some women continuously find themselves in relationships with abusive men.

These "passive" men are everywhere. If every guy got violent because some one looked sideways at "their women" there would be non-stop fights all the time. That doesn't happen. Violence is not something to be encouraged in a relationship or in general.

As for the third highlighted point. That's incredibly immature, and if that's the type of behavior you want to encourage in a relationship, your relationship isn't going to last long.

Relationships are built on mutual trust and affection. Not silly fist fights over perceived slights.

Violence, possessiveness and jealousy are traits of insecure people with low self esteem.

Hermus
06-28-16, 03:23 AM
Nope, it's not a coincidence. Because people with low self esteem tend to seek out relationships with people who validate their low opinion of themselves. It's why some women continuously find themselves in relationships with abusive men.

These "passive" men are everywhere. If every guy got violent because some one looked sideways at "their women" there would be non-stop fights all the time. That doesn't happen. Violence is not something to be encouraged in a relationship or in general.

As for the third highlighted point. That's incredibly immature, and if that's the type of behavior you want to encourage in a relationship, your relationship isn't going to last long.

Relationships are built on mutual trust and affection. Not silly fist fights over perceived slights.

Violence, possessiveness and jealousy are traits of insecure people with low self esteem.

You must have overread something. We are not talking about a 'perceived slight'. We are talking about this guy stroking her hair and doing it when I turned my back. I have a lot of female friends, but I don't usually stroke their hair unless I am flirting with them. Especially waiting until someone's not looking and then taking your chance counts as backstabbing. I really can't see how you see that as perfectly acceptable behaviour.

TheFitFatty
06-28-16, 03:27 AM
You must have overread something. We are not talking about a 'perceived slight'. We are talking about this guy stroking her hair and doing it when I turned my back. I have a lot of female friends, but I don't usually stroke their hair unless I am flirting with them. Especially waiting until someone's not looking and then taking your chance counts as backstabbing. I really can't see how you see that as perfectly acceptable behaviour.

As I said before, the guys a jerk. But he's your girlfriends problem to deal with, not yours (unless she asks for your assistance in the matter). He's not a threat to you.

Unless of course you decide to start a fight with him and demonstrate to your girlfriend how insecure and jealous you are, which is not a good look, and not one she's liable to appreciate.

Hermus
06-28-16, 03:35 AM
As I said before, the guys a jerk. But he's your girlfriends problem to deal with, not yours (unless she asks for your assistance in the matter). He's not a threat to you.

Unless of course you decide to start a fight with him and demonstrate to your girlfriend how insecure and jealous you are, which is not a good look, and not one she's liable to appreciate.

He definitely is a problem to me, since he has the intention to intrude on my monogamous relationship. A relationship is something you own together, which is something totally different from owning each other. If someone tries to intrude on it it's both people's problem.

TheFitFatty
06-28-16, 03:35 AM
You know, there's a great UK site called mumsnet (started as a site for mothers, but now it's massive and there's lots of men/women/parents and non-parents on it). It's got a Relationship board that gets some really great feedback. You should put your original post on there and see what kind of advice you get. :)

TheFitFatty
06-28-16, 03:36 AM
*he has the intention to intrude on my monogamous relationship.*

He can only intrude if she lets him. Which is something you can't control.

Fuzzy12
06-28-16, 03:53 AM
If I sat at a table with hubsy and some friends and someone started touching him sexually and hubsy allowed it while waiting for me to intervene I'd be more annoyed with hubsy than anyone else.

If someone hit on me and made me uncomfortable I'd say something to them. I'd be annoyed if hubsy intervened or made a fuss before allowing me to say something myself. I'd find that rather disrespectful...to me.

That's not theory, that's me and I can't believe that the majority of other women are so much more cave womanish than me. :eek:

TheFitFatty
06-28-16, 03:56 AM
If I sat at a table with hubsy and some friends and someone started touching him sexually and hubsy allowed it while waiting for me to intervene I'd be more annoyed with hubsy than anyone else.

If someone hit on me and made me uncomfortable I'd say something to them. I'd be annoyed if hubsy intervened or made a fuss before allowing me to say something myself. I'd find that rather disrespectful...to me.

That's not theory, that's me and I can't believe that the majority of other women are so much more cave womanish than me. :eek:


Yup. Hubsy (love that ;) ) would be looking for a new address for sure.

Hermus
06-28-16, 04:06 AM
If I sat at a table with hubsy and some friends and someone started touching him sexually and hubsy allowed it while waiting for me to intervene I'd be more annoyed with hubsy than anyone else.

If someone hit on me and made me uncomfortable I'd say something to them. I'd be annoyed if hubsy intervened or made a fuss before allowing me to say something myself. I'd find that rather disrespectful...to me.

That's not theory, that's me and I can't believe that the majority of other women are so much more cave womanish than me. :eek:

Yup. Hubsy (love that ;) ) would be looking for a new address for sure.

Some women are different than others (luckily). I have noticed that she often has difficulties defending boundaries and instead lets things happen that she does not feel comfortable with. It is not too difficult for me to understand, knowing her past. I'm definitely not going to blame her for it, much less going to kick her to the curb. That would be adding insult to injury.

Fuzzy12
06-28-16, 04:16 AM
Some women are different than others (luckily). I have noticed that she often has difficulties defending boundaries and instead lets things happen that she does not feel comfortable with. It is not too difficult for me to understand, knowing her past. I'm definitely not going to blame her for it, much less going to kick her to the curb. That would be adding insult to injury.

Oh ok. That's a different situation then. In that case I'd speak to her and ask her explicitly if she would like your assistance and what she would like you to do. I think it's still.important that she retains her autonomy and is in control of this situation even if it's with your help. Maybe there's some sort of signal she can give you whenever she wants you to intervene.

kilted_scotsman
06-28-16, 04:30 AM
THere's many different things that could be in play in situations like this....

1) The other guy is incredibly insecure and has to prove himself by being intimate with women, the situation where he can get "one up" on other guys is like catnip.

2) some women like to play the game "lets you and him fight"..... so what appears to be a boundary issue is actually a process of getting her insecurity boosted by having guys fight over her.

The best thing is what you did, notice your own reactions, and talk about it in a safer space.

The other thing to do is to develop a private code between you and your girlfriend (and future ones too) so that you can communicate without the other guy/woman knowing. In this situation there are two basic messages....

1) I'm feeling anxious/insecure/uncomfortable with what's happening
2) Help me get out of this situation

This allows you and your partner to feel more secure and take action in a polite way, both of you knowing how the other is feeling.... the worst thing is for an insecure guy to wade into a situation physically that the woman had under control....... or for the guy not to know that his girlfriend was out of her depth and wanted her partner to take a lead in helping extricate her. This works both ways.... sometimes a guy needs extricating!

These are complex situations..... so talking about it is important and developing that code is really useful to reduce tension in future situations. It's more complex because you don't want ex's knowing your code.... so new code with new partners..... and check them out through the talking/debrief thing a couple of times before moving onto the intimacy/vulnerability of a shared code.

Hermus
06-28-16, 04:34 AM
Oh ok. That's a different situation then. In that case I'd speak to her and ask her explicitly if she would like your assistance and what she would like you to do. I think it's still.important that she retains her autonomy and is in control of this situation even if it's with your help. Maybe there's some sort of signal she can give you whenever she wants you to intervene.

The boundary problem is actually something I noticed, but that she didn't tell me explicitly. Even with me I noticed that in the beginning she accepted me doing things she didn't really feel comfortable with (of course as soon as I notice that she's uncomfortable I stop doing whatever I'm doing). In my point of view it would be belittling to tell her that she has a problem, if she doesn't explicitly state to me she has one. However, just observing how she behaves around me and around others and the things she says to me tell me enough. So discussing it is not an option. Letting guys continually break her boundaries, because she doesn't explicitly ask me for help would also feel like I'm letting her down. Moreover, it would mean me constantly having to put up with it, which I'm also not willing to do. So as much as I get where your coming from this situation calls for me to step in sometimes.

TheFitFatty
06-28-16, 04:34 AM
Oh ok. That's a different situation then. In that case I'd speak to her and ask her explicitly if she would like your assistance and what she would like you to do. I think it's still.important that she retains her autonomy and is in control of this situation even if it's with your help. Maybe there's some sort of signal she can give you whenever she wants you to intervene.

Yes absolutely. As I said in an earlier post, you two should sit down and talk about how you want to handle this guy as a couple.

My guess is she's not going to want to be alone with him, in which case keep an eye out to make sure she isn't. If you see him approach her, go up put your arm around her shoulders, give her quick kiss and say "Hey there's something over here I want to show you" and walk away from him (but make sure she's agreed to this strategy).

Unless he's a complete moron, he'll eventually get the hint that she doesn't want to be around him.

There's no need to be confrontational (unless he gets aggressive with her, or is absolutely not taking her no's for an answer, in that case, do get VERBALLY aggressive).

Hermus
06-28-16, 04:37 AM
THere's many different things that could be in play in situations like this....

1) The other guy is incredibly insecure and has to prove himself by being intimate with women, the situation where he can get "one up" on other guys is like catnip.

2) some women like to play the game "lets you and him fight"..... so what appears to be a boundary issue is actually a process of getting her insecurity boosted by having guys fight over her.

The best thing is what you did, notice your own reactions, and talk about it in a safer space.

The other thing to do is to develop a private code between you and your girlfriend (and future ones too) so that you can communicate without the other guy/woman knowing. In this situation there are two basic messages....

1) I'm feeling anxious/insecure/uncomfortable with what's happening
2) Help me get out of this situation

This allows you and your partner to feel more secure and take action in a polite way, both of you knowing how the other is feeling.... the worst thing is for an insecure guy to wade into a situation physically that the woman had under control....... or for the guy not to know that his girlfriend was out of her depth and wanted her partner to take a lead in helping extricate her. This works both ways.... sometimes a guy needs extricating!

These are complex situations..... so talking about it is important and developing that code is really useful to reduce tension in future situations. It's more complex because you don't want ex's knowing your code.... so new code with new partners..... and check them out through the talking/debrief thing a couple of times before moving onto the intimacy/vulnerability of a shared code.

:goodpost:

Hermus
06-28-16, 07:10 AM
Probably did the best thing I could do in this case and talked to her. She immediately broke contact with him, also because apparently this guy had violated her boundaries before. Turned out that he isn't welcome in some bars anymore, because of sexual harassment. Really glad this guy is out of her life. It seems like he is the type of guy who is not safe around women.

Fuzzy12
06-28-16, 07:20 AM
Probably did the best thing I could do in this case and talked to her. She immediately broke contact with him, also because apparently this guy had violated her boundaries before. Turned out that he isn't welcome in some bars anymore, because of sexual harassment. Really glad this guy is out of her life. It seems like he is the type of guy who is not safe around women.

Yikes...good you spoke to her!! And good on her for getting rid of him.

aeon
06-28-16, 07:57 AM
Sounds like she's looking for excuses. If you had fought for her, than that would have been the reason for her infidelity. Sometimes people are just cheaters.

One of the things that most attracted me to my husband is how confident he was.

So what makes your experience of finding confidence attractive genuine, but hers not, such that it is only a means to an end, and indeed, you dismiss her as just a “cheater?” And without knowing her, or the situation?

How condescending.


Wow,
Ian

Stevuke79
06-28-16, 08:02 AM
I think you both handled it very well.

Don't be afraid to stick up for her. That's not being a 'controling neanderthal'. Sometimes we all need our friends to stick up for us and support us, ESPECIALLY when we're feeling intimidated. (And unwanted flirting and touching can feel very intimidated. )

Also, don't feel like you have to either be passive or 'have a fight'. (From what you described there is NO REASON a fight should happen.) There is NOTHING WRONG with saying to your girlfriend (i dont care if he can hear) "do you want to go someplace else?" If he says, "yeah, where are we going?!" Just say, "no, not you. Maybe some other time."

Don't worry about being rude to the guy. You're allowed to be rude. He's actually COUNTING ON your and your girlfriend's reluctance to be rude to get away with the flirting and the touching. And as you said, he is being VERY disrespectful to both of you.

You're not being controling, your girlfriend can say 'no' and that she wants to stay.

I'm married and my wife is a very strong and independent woman. But I'm still her husband and so by definition, her friend. I definitely stick up for her sometimes and she sticks up for me. I remember when we were dating one of her friends was making me feel very uncomfortable and attacked... she was more confortable in that environment so she spoke up for me and put her friend in her place.

I didn't feel like she was being an overly controling fiancé. I simply felt that she cared enough about me to make sure i felt comfortable even if that meant speaking up or even leaving with me.

Good luck!

Stevuke79
06-28-16, 08:24 AM
Probably did the best thing I could do in this case and talked to her. She immediately broke contact with him, also because apparently this guy had violated her boundaries before. Turned out that he isn't welcome in some bars anymore, because of sexual harassment. Really glad this guy is out of her life. It seems like he is the type of guy who is not safe around women.

Well done!

Hermus
06-28-16, 08:38 AM
I think you both handled it very well.

Don't be afraid to stick up for her. That's not being a 'controling neanderthal'. Sometimes we all need our friends to stick up for us and support us, ESPECIALLY when we're feeling intimidated. (And unwanted flirting and touching can feel very intimidated. )

Also, don't feel like you have to either be passive or 'have a fight'. (From what you described there is NO REASON a fight should happen.) There is NOTHING WRONG with saying to your girlfriend (i dont care if he can hear) "do you want to go someplace else?" If he says, "yeah, where are we going?!" Just say, "no, not you. Maybe some other time."

Don't worry about being rude to the guy. You're allowed to be rude. He's actually COUNTING ON your and your girlfriend's reluctance to be rude to get away with the flirting and the touching. And as you said, he is being VERY disrespectful to both of you.

You're not being controling, your girlfriend can say 'no' and that she wants to stay.

I'm married and my wife is a very strong and independent woman. But I'm still her husband and so by definition, her friend. I definitely stick up for her sometimes and she sticks up for me. I remember when we were dating one of her friends was making me feel very uncomfortable and attacked... she was more confortable in that environment so she spoke up for me and put her friend in her place.

I didn't feel like she was being an overly controling fiancé. I simply felt that she cared enough about me to make sure i felt comfortable even if that meant speaking up or even leaving with me.

Good luck!

Well done!

I agree with you. A lot of women need protection sometimes, not all women all of the time. I'm glad to be my girlfriend's protector if she needs me. She is a person with her respects her own strengths and weaknesses. And I love to be the boyfriend who deals with her vulnerabilities in a respectful way, instead of being one of the guys who exploits them. There is nothing overly possessive about that. It's simply called love. :)

Fuzzy12
06-28-16, 09:37 AM
I'm not sure I agree with you guys.

Herm, I do think you handled this very well and respectfully but I think so because you spoke to your girlfriend about it first before doing anything. If you'd just charged into the situation, without speaking to your girlfriend first and getting her take on it, I would have thought it's just possessiveness, jealousy and you marking your territory.

I do think friends and loved ones should stick up for us but it's not always needed or even wanted. So when in douBT it's better to ask before doing anything. My mom, eg becomes like a tiger when she thinks I need sticking up or defending from hubby or my dad (or in the past my friends) without understanding the situation or context. It annoys the hell out of me. No, actually it makes me really upset and angry and my mom has put me in quite a lot of, not just enbarassing, but bad situations because of this.

I've asked her not to do it and if she still does it because she thinks I need protection then I don't see that as an act of love but as a lack of respect apart from a bloody nuisance.

Anyway I think communication is really key here.

Stevuke79
06-28-16, 11:32 AM
I agree with you. A lot of women need protection sometimes, not all women all of the time. I'm glad to be my girlfriend's protector if she needs me. She is a person with her respects her own strengths and weaknesses. And I love to be the boyfriend who deals with her vulnerabilities in a respectful way, instead of being one of the guys who exploits them. There is nothing overly possessive about that. It's simply called love. :)

I'm not sure I agree with you guys.

Herm, I do think you handled this very well and respectfully but I think so because you spoke to your girlfriend about it first before doing anything. If you'd just charged into the situation, without speaking to your girlfriend first and getting her take on it, I would have thought it's just possessiveness, jealousy and you marking your territory.

I do think friends and loved ones should stick up for us but it's not always needed or even wanted. So when in douBT it's better to ask before doing anything. My mom, eg becomes like a tiger when she thinks I need sticking up or defending from hubby or my dad (or in the past my friends) without understanding the situation or context. It annoys the hell out of me. No, actually it makes me really upset and angry and my mom has put me in quite a lot of, not just enbarassing, but bad situations because of this.

I've asked her not to do it and if she still does it because she thinks I need protection then I don't see that as an act of love but as a lack of respect apart from a bloody nuisance.

Anyway I think communication is really key here.

Not to belabor the point.. but I think this all comes down to how you handle it. I wouldn't "charge in" like a tiger and say lets go.. I also wouldn't "defend her".

I do think you handled this very well and respectfully but I think so because you spoke to your girlfriend about it first before doing anything. If you'd just charged into the situation, without speaking to your girlfriend first and getting her take on it, I would have thought it's just possessiveness, jealousy and you marking your territory.

I agree that is the best approach. But in the moment, that doesn't mean you can't say anything. Communication, if honest and respectful is always good.

Don't necessarily "defend her".
Don't take responsibility for her relationships and actions.
DO talk to her. (even if you didn't get to talk before hand)

Ideally you'd talk about it before hand, but in the moment you can pull her aside and say, "This guy is making me feel uncomfortable..can we get out of here."

(You're not being controlling .. you're telling her that you're uncomfortable .. that's the truth. And you're saying that you'd like to leave. She can say,"Yes, lets go" or "no.. i want to stay here". Or, .. most likely "what's wrong.. let's talk for a minute.."

either way you should talk about it after .. so that for instance if she said "yes lets go" bc she felt she had to for you, she can say that. And you discuss how each other felt and you develop a language around it and get better at communicating. And if need be you can say how you regret that she left the bar sooner than she liked for you.. and that you really appreciate it and now you've decided how to handle that better in the future.)

My advice, don't sit silent and suffer. You are ALLOWED to feel uncomfortable. You are ALLOWED to say something to your GF. (Just like she's allowed to be comfortable with it and want to stay.) Be honest. Be respectful. Speak your truth. Sometimes one of you needs to speak up about how you feel. Sometimes you don't get to discuss it before hand.

I think you might be (like me) the type that might err on the side of not speaking up enough... talk to your GF. Even right there in the bar. (Pulling her aside might be a good idea.. if you can't get away from that guy.. then just talk to her.. "I'm not having a good time.. can we go?"

If that seems not nice.. turn it around... if he was being hit on by a woman,.. would you tell his GIRLFRIEND that he can't say anything? She has to just sit quiet like you're telling him to do?

Fuzzy12
06-28-16, 04:30 PM
Well nothing I can disagree with there.:D

Yes you are right, it all depends on how exactly you handle it and I think all your ways of handling it are fine.

By the way, yes, if a woman had made this thread I'd have given her exactly the same advice.

My point was not to sit quietly but communicating with the partner if you have to do something rather than attacking the other third person (which I realise now hermus wasn't going to do or planning to do anyway) and about realising that some person hitting on your partner is not in any way a reflection on you.

sarahsweets
06-28-16, 05:19 PM
This is something that I learned through recovery and being willing to allow myself to have women friends that I trust...and this isnt always doable. In my recovery circles there are sometimes men who look for the newest girl in the room and hit on her. Some of them genuinely are interested in her, but most are just predators. I learned the hard way that If I wait around for men to help me out in those situations, it will be too late. What we women try to do is offer support to the woman as she establishes her boundaries. For example- I had to end a relationship with my therapist who is also in AA because it was getting inappropriate. My husband also saw this guy for himself. I carefully explained what was going on to hubby and then told him I would handle it. After a meeting, I had a good female friend of mine stand next to me while I told him his services were no longer needed. When he asked why and I explained why, he began to try and turn it around on me. Thats where she was helpful. She said things like "you didnt hear what she was saying, she said....." and "this isnt about you so and so, its about her and what she wants."
This was helpful because she reiterated what she heard me say and it helped prevent things from escalating. I know this isnt always feasible but it is something Ive come to find invaluable. There is something to be said about strong supportive women helping each other do for themselves what they fear they cant do alone.

TheFitFatty
06-29-16, 01:29 AM
So what makes your experience of finding confidence attractive genuine, but hers not, such that it is only a means to an end, and indeed, you dismiss her as just a “cheater?” And without knowing her, or the situation?

How condescending.


Wow,
Ian

Sorry if I came across condescending.

Affairs are touchy subjects, especially as most cheaters try and find a way to blame the affair on the person they cheated on, rather than take responsibility themselves. At the end of the day, however, it is the cheaters fault and not the person they cheated on. Whatever excuse they come up (and they are always excuses), it is never enough to justify the affair.

Some women do like aggressive men. Some women like to feel "fought over", just like I like confident men who treat me with respect, this is usually the result of upbringings, personality and feelings of self worth.

Wanting to be "fought over" isn't a reason to cheat though. If she wanted that, she shouldn't have been with you in the first place, or ended the relationship before the affair.

TheFitFatty
06-29-16, 01:41 AM
Don't be afraid to stick up for her. That's not being a 'controling neanderthal'. Sometimes we all need our friends to stick up for us and support us, ESPECIALLY when we're feeling intimidated. (And unwanted flirting and touching can feel very intimidated. )

Also, don't feel like you have to either be passive or 'have a fight'. (From what you described there is NO REASON a fight should happen.) There is NOTHING WRONG with saying to your girlfriend (i dont care if he can hear) "do you want to go someplace else?" If he says, "yeah, where are we going?!" Just say, "no, not you. Maybe some other time."

Don't worry about being rude to the guy. You're allowed to be rude. He's actually COUNTING ON your and your girlfriend's reluctance to be rude to get away with the flirting and the touching. And as you said, he is being VERY disrespectful to both of you.

You're not being controling, your girlfriend can say 'no' and that she wants to stay.

I'm married and my wife is a very strong and independent woman. But I'm still her husband and so by definition, her friend. I definitely stick up for her sometimes and she sticks up for me. I remember when we were dating one of her friends was making me feel very uncomfortable and attacked... she was more confortable in that environment so she spoke up for me and put her friend in her place.

I didn't feel like she was being an overly controling fiancé. I simply felt that she cared enough about me to make sure i felt comfortable even if that meant speaking up or even leaving with me.

Good luck!

There's certainly a difference between helping out a partner or friend when they are obviously in an uncomfortable situation, and just walking up and starting a fight because you don't like the way a guy is talking to your girlfriend. With Hermes original post, it was a bit difficult to tell which scenario it was.

He certainly picked the best course of action, and it's wonderful that he's so in-tune with her that he can tell when she's uncomfortable, and is willing to help her out in situations that make her uncomfortable. That's very sweet, and certainly what most most women appreciate in a man. :)

I think its' really the difference between being Assertive and Aggressive. Assertiveness is attractive, Aggressiveness is a red flag.

Hermus
06-29-16, 02:52 AM
There's certainly a difference between helping out a partner or friend when they are obviously in an uncomfortable situation, and just walking up and starting a fight because you don't like the way a guy is talking to your girlfriend. With Hermes original post, it was a bit difficult to tell which scenario it was.

He certainly picked the best course of action, and it's wonderful that he's so in-tune with her that he can tell when she's uncomfortable, and is willing to help her out in situations that make her uncomfortable. That's very sweet, and certainly what most most women appreciate in a man. :)

I think its' really the difference between being Assertive and Aggressive. Assertiveness is attractive, Aggressiveness is a red flag.

Thank you for your words. I definitely think I picked the right course of action here and that she was happy with me stepping up, so she finally found the courage to break contact with this guy she knew deep down was treating her wrong. My first post might not have been all that clear, but the situation was not that clear to me. There was only a very strong gut feeling that something wasn't right. Mostly people's gut feelings are founded, although it is not always clear from the start with they are actually founded on. Our subconscious often is aware of things we don't understand on a conscious level yet. It would be helpful to refrain from immediately calling someone jealous and overly possessive in cases like this.

Well nothing I can disagree with there.:D

Yes you are right, it all depends on how exactly you handle it and I think all your ways of handling it are fine.

By the way, yes, if a woman had made this thread I'd have given her exactly the same advice.

My point was not to sit quietly but communicating with the partner if you have to do something rather than attacking the other third person (which I realise now hermus wasn't going to do or planning to do anyway) and about realising that some person hitting on your partner is not in any way a reflection on you.

Agreed. She told me that her ex-bf already had been in a fight with this guy over his behaviour. Clearly that didn't stop it. So me communicating to her that I thought it wasn't right what this guy was doing most likely was the better choice.

sarahsweets
06-29-16, 04:04 AM
something I think that bears repeating...de-escalation should always be the goal no matter what the behavior. No matter if you think a girl wants you to step in and stick up or fight for her, or if she really needs help the end goal is to get the creep to leave her alone. Confrontation usually doesnt help you get this goal met.
A girl doesnt need the man to step in UNLESS she is physically being assaulted, in obvious distress, asks for the help and wants the help or is trying to move away and is being restrained. I say this because anyone can misread cues from our loved ones. What might seem like discomfort could be anything, and if a BF or husband walks over and confronts the offender every time we think, but dont know for sure he is bothering her, there could be alot of fights and even violence that is unnecessary. I'll admit, the sick side of me would love a good throw down over my wiles in fantasy land,but life is life and no fantasy and in the end I need to take care of myself whenever possible.