View Full Version : Im su ugly, I cant be afraid to be beautiful


jashley
07-01-16, 07:48 PM
I am so ugly, I cant be afraid to be beautiful because I couldnt be beautiful if I tried. Thd girl at my church are so much prettier than me especially this one girl who was going on and on in a FB post about being afraid to be beautiful because others may get the wrong idea that she is trying to be inappropriate or slutty or something.

This is what she said "Sometimes I am afraid to be beautiful. Literally, afraid to dress nice or to be attractive or even sexy, because sometimes I think that I could come off as inappropriate or immodest.

Crazy right?? This summer I've bought myself this nice high waisted bikini that looks AWESOME on my (not so tiny) body, and I am fighting thoughts of what others might think! I've had enough of that, I'm gonna rock my new swimwear!!

I want to hear your thoughts on this ladies!! Let's be real here, we've all probably been through this one way or another!

Love you ladies! And let's not even care what others might think! 1-2-3 GO! Let's do this! ����"And she tagged every other girl in my small group except me saying I know you girls can relate, and you are all beautiful. But she didnt tag me, probably because she thinks Im not beautiful. Yeah I wish I had that problem, its no wonder she and the other girls dislike me because I am so ugly.

Hiddencreations
07-01-16, 09:00 PM
You're reading way too much into Facebook, you need to seriously take a social media break (aka deactivate your account). It is not helping you whatsoever. As others and I have stated before, stay off of social media--it doesn't appear to benefit you an anyway other than to see what others are doing with their life at the exclusion of you.

Just because you are in a church group with this person or just because you friend someone on FB--it doesn't mean that you are friends. Have you ever had a non-church related conversation or actually done anything social outside of church? If not, then they most likely do not consider you their friend.

----

It would be helpful to everyone here if you provided some type of background (diagnoses, treatments, etc.) and reply to everyone's post on your threads because people are trying to be helpful and provide feedback, but without a response it's almost as if you use the threads as a blog and we're just the comment section that never gets read. If people feel that there comments/suggestions are not being read on a consistent basis from a person, they eventually feel that responding is not a good use of their time.

So, please respond because it's hard to support someone who only states a problem, but doesn't react to suggestions or questions.

I think we would all love to support you, but we need more information and context than a statement of the problem.

Hiddencreations
07-01-16, 09:08 PM
Though, I will say...if you are not looking for suggestions on how to improve your relationships or how you perceive your relationships, it would be helpful if you told us that you were just looking for someone to listen.

I think many of us are solution-oriented, so that's how we tend to respond. But if you just want someone to listen empathetically that would be helpful to know.

Fuzzy12
07-01-16, 11:20 PM
I can just repeat what I've stated before and I'll keep it brief this time. Ignore your church friends. Your giving them too much significance and like hidden said are over interpreting everything they do.

Do rock that bikini though.

sarahsweets
07-02-16, 02:14 AM
Look, You have made many posts concerning your church group and how you are treated. Others have given you advice and suggestions but you dont acknowledge that you've heard them or agree with them. Do you want to feel better?
Sometimes we say that we think we want to feel better about something or want to know how to change that something, but really there are some needs there that are actually being met. What those needs are is something you have to examine and determine.
But you cant expect people to keep advising you about the same thing if you never folllow up the posts with additional details or to let us know that you agree or disagree about something.

The facts are that these people make you miserable both in person and online. You have gone so far as to talk to the Pastor and its still the same.
What does that say? Are you willing to change the dynamics of the situation enough to feel better and move on?
Or do you just want to keep feeling bad and asking the same things over and over again.
These people are ignorant tools. They do not care if they are hurting you or not- I am not even sure if they know they are hurting you.

Get off facebook, block them and find a new church or group of friends. To me, this seems like the only way you will be able to move forward.

Little Missy
07-02-16, 07:17 AM
Hey, do what I do, hang out with the guys. They aren't usually interested in facebook and they rarely are as mean as girls. Guys rock!

TygerSan
07-02-16, 11:31 AM
I see a lot of my younger self in you, jashley. What I've learned from experience is that you cannot rely on others for reassurance that you are a good person, nor can you rely on others for your sense of self.

If you work on *you* (either building confidence by doing things alone, or with the help of a good therapist) you might find that your relationships become easier to navigate.

By no means am I saying that it's your fault that your church friends are treating you badly. It's not. Nobody deserves to be treated as badly as you have, but if you figure out who you are and what you want in a friendship, you might find yourself making different choices. You might, for example, find that posting on and looking at Facebook is not a good way of navigating your social world.

You might find that your energy is better spent not worrying about who your church friends are complimenting or talking to.

One of the things I would strongly advise is to ditch the multiple accounts and stop trying to spy on people. People don't like being spied on; it makes them very uncomfortable. What they say to others shouldn't impact you, and if they *are* badmouthing you behind your back, then, like I said before, you really need to take a step back and figure out what you want out of the friendship. If they're treating you badly, why put up with that? You're worth more than their approval.

You sound very stuck, and it sounds like you're spending a great deal of time and energy trying to figure out what's going on in your social circle. I perseverate mightily sometimes, and it's really hard to get out of that rut.

Laserbeak
07-02-16, 12:53 PM
Beauty is to be found in the mind and the heart, not in a bikini.

julialouise
07-02-16, 02:32 PM
I am so ugly, I cant be afraid to be beautiful because I couldnt be beautiful if I tried. Thd girl at my church are so much prettier than me especially this one girl who was going on and on in a FB post about being afraid to be beautiful because others may get the wrong idea that she is trying to be inappropriate or slutty or something.

This is what she said "Sometimes I am afraid to be beautiful. Literally, afraid to dress nice or to be attractive or even sexy, because sometimes I think that I could come off as inappropriate or immodest.

Crazy right?? This summer I've bought myself this nice high waisted bikini that looks AWESOME on my (not so tiny) body, and I am fighting thoughts of what others might think! I've had enough of that, I'm gonna rock my new swimwear!!

I want to hear your thoughts on this ladies!! Let's be real here, we've all probably been through this one way or another!

Love you ladies! And let's not even care what others might think! 1-2-3 GO! Let's do this! ����"And she tagged every other girl in my small group except me saying I know you girls can relate, and you are all beautiful. But she didnt tag me, probably because she thinks Im not beautiful. Yeah I wish I had that problem, its no wonder she and the other girls dislike me because I am so ugly.

first of all, did she have the ability to include you in the tags? did she only include the names of her closer friends from church? first of all, i personally don't like that she'd make a post that singles people out in the first place, since it easily can isolate others, so i view her fb post to be sort of ridiculous.

second, i know that i have a hard time with loving myself and the way i look. i wear light makeup every single day that i go out, i dress in lots of dark colors (which automatically make me more sleek or whatever it is that dark colors do), and people tell me how gorgeous i am (god i cringed while typing that) but i still have trouble believing them or seeing what they see. i'm thin, my face is fairly symmetrical with no blemishes, i have pale skin, full lips, heart-shaped face and almond eyes. when i think about it, if it wasn't for the slightly more olive skin tone and brown hair/eyes, i completely fit western, eurocentric beauty standards. and yet, i still wear that makeup (which is both to feel better about myself AND to express myself, just like clothes)

swim suits are such a struggle! I own about three (one was acquired impulsively at goodwill because it's cute and cheap!), and one is a monokini (where the back looks like a two-piece but the top and bottom are connected in the front) because i absolutely hate my stomach. it hangs out a lot less now that i've taken *some* control over my eating habits (though i'd say i'm at the opposite of the indulgence spectrum now, not eating enough) and i've learned that my posture is really what made myself look 6 months pregnant, but i don't remember the last time i wore a swimsuit at all. it was well over a year ago.

honestly, my advice: FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT. do what you need to in order to feel good about yourself! Try new makeup tricks, or just put on some lipstick and mascara if you don't wanna do a full routine. dark colors will probably help with any body image issues. heels, especially when you put some dr. scholl's at the bottom, will make your legs and butt look great. when you talk about your appearance, only use positive words. even if what you say comes out as a joke, or sarcastically, like "haha yeah, i'm soooo fabulous" while you roll your eyes, the positive thinking will help! I know it's hard, it's so so SO hard, and it takes time and practice. one of the things that helps me not be "afraid to be beautiful" is to remember that the media and patriarchy (this is where my Feminist self comes in) WANTS us to hate ourselves. loving yourself is such a radical idea and can change the world!!!! every time you start to hate yourself, you're just helping the institutions that profit off our insecurities. but remember, in the words of Laura Lee, "It's not what you fall for, it's what you stand for." So even if you do fall back into those negative thought patterns, don't beat urself up too much.

and forget about those church girls. we are not made to compare ourselves to each other (though i'm sure there is some evolutionary reason for it). you think she's beautiful, and even she struggles. her not including you in the post doesn't mean that you're not beautiful, it just means that she isn't worth your time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IPl3q2GYXU

julialouise
07-02-16, 02:35 PM
Hey, do what I do, hang out with the guys. They aren't usually interested in facebook and they rarely are as mean as girls. Guys rock!

there's a lot of internalized misogyny in there, which is fine and understandable, but let me please just say that women are GREAT and guys have just as many interpersonal issues as we do. Guys might not seem as mean as girls, but they still suck a lot in their own ways. People are just people.

Little Missy
07-02-16, 03:31 PM
there's a lot of internalized misogyny in there, which is fine and understandable, but let me please just say that women are GREAT and guys have just as many interpersonal issues as we do. Guys might not seem as mean as girls, but they still suck a lot in their own ways. People are just people.

Don't get too wigged out, but you've interpreted what I said differently than I meant it. :)

julialouise
07-02-16, 04:57 PM
Don't get too wigged out, but you've interpreted what I said differently than I meant it. :)

Then can you tell me how you meant it? I read it as you were generalizing men and women? And saying that men are better to hang around with? I'm not wigged out, I'm just saying that those assumptions, although they seem benign, contribute to a lot of sexism.

edit: i just looked up what "wigged out" means and i see:
1 Being devoid of reality, To lose sense of normalcy, An out of body experience. To act crazy as a reaction. To briefly flirt with lunacy.
Define wigged–out: mentally or emotionally discomposed : upset, crazy.
Become or make wildly excited or irrationa

I am and was none of those things, but that term, now that i know what it means, is extremely hurtful.

BellaVita
07-02-16, 05:23 PM
You're not ugly!

You know what, when I was a kid I used to think that the reason I had trouble making friends must've been because I'm ugly.

I wasn't ugly at all, come to find out, I was/am autistic and that's why I had a hard time.

I think everyone is beautiful.

I don't mean it in that fake way - like I mean it for real.

You don't need to be afraid to be beautiful, just know that you are.

Also, no one else gets to decide whether you are beautiful or not. You are, and you should know that - that's what matters.

Corina86
07-03-16, 12:21 PM
I don't want to be creepy, but you've posted about this in another forum (btw, the fact that you think you might be autistic is something that could be important, because you're not having ADHD related issues, but issues with social cues and human interaction) and I think you're far far too obsessed with this group of girls. You have to move on and try to find other friends! Everyone on both forums is saying the same thing! Also, you should consider some therapy or a support group, because people on the Internet can help you that much with this issue. Especially if you're not really taking any of the advices they're giving you...

Hiddencreations
07-03-16, 03:17 PM
I don't want to be creepy, but you've posted about this in another forum

I knew what website that you are referring to, but I also decided to Google search jashley's thread titles--well, this has been posted in almost every forum possible to man (even things unrelated to the topic).

Google search for yourself "friend hugged everyone except me". With so many post on so many forums, it would be impossible to reply to everyone's post.

---

The sheer number of post in tens of forums indicate either an obsession with this group of "friends", loneliness, and/or that you're not aware or have a general disregard of the time people are putting into answering your post when they could be responding to other people or that they could be putting towards self-care.

I think it is more of the obsession and loneliness because I think you do feel some kind of connection and attention by posting of dozens of forums that you are not receiving in the real world.

As the poster said above, you need to seek out in-person support. Preferably starting with individual therapy and then moving onto group therapy (social skills or diagnosis-specific) when your individual therapist feels that you can handle the social connections and possible rejections involved.

I hope you get the in-person support you need because it doesn't seem like you are happy or satisfied with your life.

spunky84
07-03-16, 04:51 PM
I knew what website that you are referring to, but I also decided to Google search jashley's thread titles--well, this has been posted in almost every forum possible to man (even things unrelated to the topic).

Google search for yourself "friend hugged everyone except me". With so many post on so many forums, it would be impossible to reply to everyone's post.

---

The sheer number of post in tens of forums indicate either an obsession with this group of "friends", loneliness, and/or that you're not aware or have a general disregard of the time people are putting into answering your post when they could be responding to other people or that they could be putting towards self-care.

I did a quick goggle out of curiosity. Another forum commenter said that these posts ended up on a gamer forum, and after researching, those on the gamer forum determined that this is a bot (advanced bot since there were some replies). These posts come up under some other names, but jashley is the most common.

The posts range from anywhere from gamer forum, yahoo questions, facebook, a body builder forum, several wedding forum, mom / baby forum, weight watchers -- and many, many, many more. Which would explain the reason for the post and lack of responses -- and even in the case of the response in this thread, unsubstantial and rare.

The posts are all of the same topics, all related to church, and are completely irrelevant to the majority of the forums posted in.

My guess based on the few threads I've read from jashley here and what I've just seen on the others in a very short amount of time, I'm inclined to agree with those on the other forums.

Fortune
07-03-16, 04:58 PM
Locking this thread.