View Full Version : Seeing a clinical psychologist on Tues - Symptom list


julialouise
07-02-16, 12:33 PM
This is my list exactly as I wrote it in my Notes app on my iphone. i sorta just wrote stuff down whenever i thought about them, if i was able to grab my phone at the time (sometimes i would remember little things as i was driving, then be unable to write it down). i'll bold anything i add in. this is really just a thought dump, but if anyone takes the time to read this or even parts of it, it's greatly appreciated. a lot of these notes are written out of order because i couldn't bother taking the time to scroll all the way down to the bottom of the list after a certain point. i'll break parts up to make it a little easier to follow. i'm just very anxious about this diagnosis, because i often doubt that i have ADHD, but sometimes i'm like 100% sure. this is by no means a complete list, if you see stuff in here that doesn't look like ADHD or looks like "normal" behavior, pls let me know. I know that SOMETHING is up with my and my brain, but i just need to know WHAT.





Add things:??

-Friends snap chat stories - I rarely take the time to check my friends' snapchat stories to see what theyre up to, because even tho i love them, i often just can't be bothered to sit and look at every photo
-Adding things in random parts of this list bc I'm too lazy to scroll down
-DISHES i've felt like a terrible roommate because i'll let dishes with stuff caked to the sides sit for days (until i need to use them again), and then i'll realize that they're too dry to clean, so i'll fill them with soapy/hot water and leave them for a few more days if i have a spare dish to use
-I would audition for plays if I could handle rejection (:
-And directors r mean
-I felt bad using spark notes in high school but I couldn't even read the books that i liked
-Smoking just a small amount helps, but only briefly ?? i'm not sure what i meant by briefly, but low THC and high CBD strains don't give me horrible racing thoughts
-*get a vape!*
-Save for a vape (lol!)

-Drawing class! I love art and drawing, and I took a class last fall and i struggled to keep up with the drawing assignments. She also was a picky art teacher and wanted us to learn to draw "the right way" which really affected me. I took a painting class this spring term and, while i didn't get a D in the class, I got a C because again, i had trouble keeping up with assignments. also, during that Fall term i experienced a very severe depressive episode, which i now realize might be related to the ADHD-PI. i have more about this further down
-**** writing class bc of reading for WORKSHOPS i enjoy writing, and i've taken a writing class before, but there is no way that i'd be able to sit and read everyone's 5-page story, or even poems sometimes
-Not being to conceptualize how I feel between good and bad over period of time Someone will ask me how i've been and i honestly don't know what to say
-"Math anxiety"
-**** stoichiometry

-My mom and I were looking at a house and I was looking at my iris intensely in a mirror and while my mom was talking to the real estate dude I just interrupted them both and looked real close at her eye??????? i was in 8th grade??
-Falling asleep in k ham's class but not meaning to ): I'm in college studying to be a social studies teacher, and i took an American History course, and i know that i need to know as much info as possible about my subject, but i still managed to fall asleep during most classes, i hardly read the history book, my midterm was turned in late, and my final exam was written the day it was due
-Always having good thoughts but never being able to write them down unless I'm already writing! mostly introspective or writing about my day. i buy journals but misplace them or forget i was even using them
-Lots of my experiences recently are easily explained by add but I can't remember which ones they are!

-I focus really well when I'm high and I think that's why I get consumed by my thoughts so much, especially during depression and stuff smoking can either make my brain feel better or worse
-Why was I in a depression? That's what I'm trying to remember thinking.(Maybe because I was so frustrated with how my professor was dealing with my add? Because I couldn't just churn out 10 paintings all the time. Yeah that was definitely it, but there might have been more) It'll probably come up again while I'm painting.
-I couldn't start painting bc I don't care for the girl who was here (in the painting studio), and especially not her music. It was too distracting.
-But I feel like the things I feel are how everyone feels?

-I think when I do more things w my time, I'm better organized, like if I make a schedule
even if I can't follow it, it's still helpful to have some expectation for myself
I won't have to hate myself for not being able to do it
Flexible schedules are best LOL
-I do better when I'm not restricted, but restriction can improve my limits
-i started an online job to make some quick $$ but i didn't think too much about all the repercussions at the time
-I don't draw often anymore but when I do I do it p well and when I don't I wonder why I'm not doing it and it's like I suddenly forgot I liked drawing when it happened (had ceased?)
-I can NOT sit through my painting class. We're already standing. If I need to leave I'm gonna leave (i've stepped out of that class to get water, check my phone, etc multiple times in the period. it's a double period, so it's twice as long and it KILLS me. it always helped to smoke beforehand bc it makes me more patient.
-I get anxious? And I want to get out of a place, and it often happens in the drawing studio during class when the prof wants our attention
-I always know that if I take a class for something, I'll learn it. But I might not do it on my own time... Specifically when it involves learning something (...idk?? im sure there was more to this thought. now i need to KNOW!!)
-If someone asks me what I was thinking or about, or if I could be something, or if I had a favorite color, I can't

-I chew the inside of my mouth and I tend to overeat and eat mindlessly
-I either overeat or undereat, cyclically and sometimes unconsciously
-The first time I altered my diet I was in 4th grade
-i've always disliked certain sounds, got worse in high school (misophonia)
-Always picky eater (i can't STAND little pieces of onion or other things in soup. forget quinoa salad or cous-cous salad, too many small ingredients i can't pick apart. almost all my food gets picked apart unless i was the one that made it.
-Hair pulling (eyebrows), overtweezing, ripping off nails
-Never being clean, only doing things when necessary
-It's not the things I think about doing, it's the things I do Maybe (again, wtf was i trying to say??)

-I used to LOVE reading, but I stopped being able to get through a whole book some time between middle school and high school. i read books that were advanced for my age level. i tried reading kurt vonnegut in 6th grade and Great Expectations in 8th. halfway thru that project, i had to pick a diff book.
-I was able to read the entirety of the hunger games (freshman year?? but i read it during spanish class)
-I don't go to movies or plan them bc I don't think I'll be able to sit thru a full one
-And I love to talk during movies (but it drives me crazy when my mom does!)
-I point out a lot of small details in everyday life even when im driving
-I love deep thoughts and big conversations about existence and technology and advancement and I constantly think about things sociologically or historically. the universe just GETS 2 me sometimes
-I get lost in my thoughts a lot, even worse when I'm high, but I don't often get frustrated when one train of thought is replaced by another. It's just that if I'm not already writing, I won't be able to write or remember any important revelations but i find comfort knowing that i had that thought at one point, it's part of me, and hopefully it'll continue like that
-Also drawing class, but as a kid and in la grange (i was in a drawing class when i was younger, and i didn't like it bc it was too structured, we had to draw certain things, and when i tried to be creative, the teacher was upset
-YMCA (i don't remember this well enough to elaborate)
-I remember not being nearly as present as others when I was young (ballet, drawing) and SPEAKING of ballet, when i was like 3 or 4 i was in a ballet group and i performed the routine perfectly, but it was all done BACKWARDS. i also always felt inferior compared to the other girls. And all girls throughout life.

-How the hell does anyone match socks? Or start laundry until it's too late?
-Dirty dishes rarely leave my room until they have to
-I start to interrupt people (but then I feel bad and stop but I'm afraid I'll forget what I was gonna say) and when I was younger I would interject personal stories in the classroom (though, i'm a teaching assistant now, and i'm noticing this might just be something kids do, but as a college student i still really really wanna say things in class that might not be totally relevant)
-I lose my train of thought a lot even when I'm excited and sober
-My personality allows me to control a lot of potentially worse symptoms
-I point out random things that most friends wouldn't notice
-What the **** is a planner - I buy them but never follow through
-Doodling at work and in class ALWAYS. and often origami as well, but i only know how to make cranes, and that gets boring.
-I make plans to start working on papers but I'm slow to start and I usually write the whole thing over the span of a couple hours over two days even when i really wanted to start a week early)
-Thank god for Facebook birthday notifications or else my friends would think i didn't care at all

-Every time my coworker micromanages my work I get really upset and can't focus on the work I need to do. Usually I have to get up and move (before i can continue to work)
-I've been meaning to unpack from school for the past week almost and it still hasn't happened
-Very low sexual interest, nearly killed when I started antidepressants (and maybe birth control)
-Definitely low energy, but not always in my head
-I greet friends with fake hostility because it's easier than showing joy or affection
-"Have you lost interest in things u like?" Idk because I don't do anything most of the time
-I love making art but I never do it unless I'm in a class, same with writing and even reading
-I've panicked wondering how the hell in going to be a successful teacher when I can't get organized, procrastinate, and can't wake up in the morning
-I never leave my bed unless I have to
-I used to wonder if I had bipolar or bpd and i've researched dysthymia because i don't feel "depressed enough"

-I often start saying stuff and I'll forget what I was saying
-Or if I was Talkjng to someone, and we get distracted, I have a hard time remembering what either of us was talking about but i usually remember pretty quickly after thinking up keywords that might have been related to our topic
-i am often drawn to other people who probably have a form of ADHD or other mental/cognitive disorders
-My room is a HUGE mess and it make me anxious but I can't even begin to clean it
-MATH MATH MATH MATH

-I almost gave up my hedgehog bc I couldn't take care of him and the smell of his wheel can be overpowering and i can't bear it
-I get depressed but idk if I feel it the way depressed ppl do
-Back up the stairs to do things I forgot (medicine, get pads) One morning, i was getting ready for work (in a rush, as usual) and i thought i was all ready to go but i had to go back upstairs to get something. My mom told me, "I thought, if she's anything like me, she'll be back upstairs any second." My mom might also have ADHD-PI. So might my brother. Speaking of which, there are lots of mental disorders in my family, including bipolar, schizophrenia, drug abuse, alcoholism, etc.
-Kids drawing class, kids gymnastics, ballet, teachers and participation (bright but needs to talk more) Looking back on childhood, I have lots of foggy memories, or I imagine myself up in the clouds a lot of the time, but i passed under the radar because i still did well in school. I've always loved the idea of school, and ever since I was 7, i've wanted to be a teacher. and speaking of teaching, I've chosen this profession because it'll allow me to be involved with all/most of my interests but i'm not forced to focus on one thing (i can teach social studies, but still be involved in theatre, arts, music, etc) and every day will be structured in a similar way, but there will always be something different.

Crosswired
07-02-16, 01:29 PM
Wow, I could be the male version of you. I see many similarities in our behaviours. I was officially diagnosed with ADD-PI at age 35 after a lifetime of struggle. I did manage to graduate from university and get a decent job in finance, but that's where my ADD really came to light. I couldn't keep up at work and my peers were getting ahead while I languished as I was lacking certain skills such as organization, time-management, and attention to detail. I was in the wrong industry. I have been trying out different medications but haven't had success yet. The stimulants only worked for about a year before I built up a tolerance and started to abuse them. I have a history of substance abuse so I probably have to find alternatives.

You certainly show many characteristics of ADD. I diagnosed myself around age 27, but didn't see a psychologist until I was on rehab for alcoholism. Getting the proper diagnosis is the first step. Good luck on Tuesday!

Experien
07-07-16, 06:29 AM
I think u have a lot of hyperactive symptoms. No?

julialouise
07-08-16, 04:16 PM
You certainly show many characteristics of ADD. I diagnosed myself around age 27, but didn't see a psychologist until I was on rehab for alcoholism. Getting the proper diagnosis is the first step. Good luck on Tuesday!

thanks for your response, it's honestly so reassuring! i'm a junior in college and since i haven't started a career yet, i have no idea how it could be affected, but i have had nights and days where i felt like all my hopes and aspirations would be for nothing because i would worry about waking up in the morning, getting to school on time (as a teacher), having lesson plans ready, knowing the material well enough to teach it when i can't even read my current american history book, let alone any other book. i go crazy at my current office job tho, for sure.

I think u have a lot of hyperactive symptoms. No?

The internet has told me that i exhibit ADHD-combined symptoms but i think that, externally, i present primarily inattentive, but i honestly have no idea. Thanks for pointing that out!

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I saw the psychologist and it went really well! She's very willing to help me get things sorted out, she even is trying to get me in contact with a psychiatrist and wants him to see me ASAP, since his waiting lists can be months long and I go back to college this fall. She listened to whatever I had to say. I mentioned this list and she asked me to send it to her, so i did, and then i added some things at the end that i thought would be relevant. I'll post them here too?

Unfortunately the psychiatrist is not in our network, so I have to find someone else. I'm taking a physical at the doc's office tomorrow to rule out any chemical imbalances or whatever that could be giving me these symptoms. Here's to improved mental health!

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**Some additional thoughts (is it important to note that I just smoked before reading over this list & writing these down)?** these are mostly just random thoughts pointing out things that could be related to any sort of neurodivergence, not just ADHD, so if some of these things make no sense or are experienced by others, oh well.

I am very nervous about my future ability to function as a teacher. Early mornings, potentially lots of homework to grade, lesson plans to make, papers to pass back without losing them first, going to meetings, eating in the teacher’s lounge or having to hear kids eating or chewing gum or tapping their pens, kids being mean, other teachers being mean, the whole technical side of it seems impossible, like it’ll just crush me. Everything else is all there, i know i’m committed to things that i really care about (the big picture stuff), and i am so excited to work with students and i have soooo many ideas of how I want to run a classroom (though I’m so upset with myself for not keeping a record of these little ideas that pop into my head, and these ones started years ago). I trust myself to know what to do when the time comes, though.

Money stresses me out a lot, and has ever since my parents separated thanks to unemployment and no child support, and still going to a private high school while my brother was at a private college, only for me to go on to another private college. Financial aid is great, but since education is such a priority for my family and me, we only have so much left over. I also went to high school with lots of stuck up rich kids who had like 5 summer houses and 2 yatchs probably, so when my mom tells me that we can’t afford to both get contacts or glasses during a year, it kinda blows. But I also hate the entire capitalist system that does this to us and that makes health care so inaccessible. But whatever!

I make lots and lots of connections between everything? Apparently that means something.

I am very subtly impatient, and I often try to not let it be know, but does it boil! Road rage isn’t just an Xbox game I play.

Speaking of games, I enjoy playing them, but I lose interest quickly (after playing for maybe a day or a week). I love Zelda, but I’ve never finished a game. There’s lots of things I don’t finish. I also don’t start a lot of things because: i know i won’t finish them, i know it’ll probably take some time to get what i want out of it (related to my frustration while trying to draw or paint because if it’s not perfect immediately, what good is it??), i don’t have the energy, my room is way too cluttered to think straight or work, yadda yadda.

i save lots of supplies (I save a LOT of things. And buy a lot of things i shouldn’t). if i really wanted to work, i’d have one big art room where i could start multiple projects in all different mediums, and i could switch between each one at a time. When I actually felt like doing it.

I collect a lot of things. I wish I could live minimally but i’ve always kept things that “I don’t need now, but might need later” or simply because I have things I wish to discard but I don’t have the appropriate way of doing it (I don’t want to throw fabric away when it needs to be recycled in a special way, so it stays forever, same with old electronics). and it’s too much of a hassle to donate because i also wanna be able to record it for tax deductions. but that takes so much effort to record.

I collect VHS tapes, LPs and 45s, cassette tapes, gemstones, art supplies, i buy lots of clothes (second hand because if I’m gonna buy impulsively, i’m gonna buy cheap stuff, because that’s all i can afford and i’m too scared of debt to let that happen, though it does get close sometimes).

Even though I turn to gemstones for their ~powers~ sometimes, I stopped believing in God at around age 11. Even in high school people thought I was crazy or a devil worshipper. I refused to say the pledge of allegiance in middle school and onward. I’m a radical intersectional feminist. i don’t fully identify as a female or a male (though I”m assigned female at birth) and I’m attracted to people of all genders, though sex makes me uncomfortable and always has to a degree.

A lot of the people i’m drawn to have mental disorders and/or use drugs. I tend to have a lot more in common with them, even before I started using drugs. I smoked once at age 17, and a few times here and there until college, when i started smoking at parties, and by no time i was getting it for myself. I wish i could lower my tolerance but it eases so many symptoms!! It’s hard to go without. I wouldn’t mind that being different, though. I really do need to save money!!!!