View Full Version : Queer & ADHD-PI


julialouise
07-02-16, 03:20 PM
I'll start off my giving some basics. i'm a queer, femme-presenting, agender/nonbinary person (if you don't know what any of those things means, either use google, or this thread is not for you). i am gray-asexual (maybe demisexual) and i am attracted to people of all genders (though i swear i am becoming less and less attracted to cis-men), but i really would love to have a relationship with someone who isn't a cis-male. i've been in multiple romantic relationships with boys who, now that i've done a bunch of research, likely also have ADHD or other neurological differences, but i've only had a long-distance, online relationship with a girl.

i know that women with ADHD, and maybe ADHD-PI specifically, have trouble interacting with other women, especially neurotypical women. it's hard enough being queer in the dating scene, and even harder being mentally ill and queer. i've matched with a lot of really cute girls on tinder, but they don't usually respond to me, and if they do, we don't interact for too long. also an issue with tinder: i never want to meet the people i match with!! i either don't want to travel to see them (since a lot of the time, they're in the heart of Chicago and i'm in the suburbs), or i don't want to spend money on travel, or i worry that it's going to be a horrible trainwreck, or i worry that i'm going to get bored on the date and want to go home and i don't want to travel 20+ minutes for that.

a lot of people on tinder are looking for fairly speedy dates, so i'm lucky when i find someone like me who needs a lot of communication with someone beforehand. that way, i know i can trust them at least a little easier, i have a better understanding of their personality, and we already know what we're both interested in. i've matched with over 100 people, almost 200, on tinder since i first downloaded the app a year or two ago, but i've only met with like 3 of them. in my last Tinder spree, i matched with just under 30 people maybe, and i'm only still talking to one of them and she's really cute, a trans-femme girl, and we have quite a bit in common, from our interests to some of our mental disorder symptoms. we will probably make plans to hang out soon this summer, but it hasn't happened. and i know this is bad of me, and quite transphobic, but physically she isn't any different from the cis-men that i've dated and i'm worried about that being a problem. i don't want her to think that i think of her as anything less than a woman through just plain ignorance and lack of experience.

i don't know. are there any other ladies/non-men out there who are also attracted to ladies/non-men? what the hell do you do? are you successful? i'm in college, so i didn't think it would be this hard, but i'm also very picky when looking for partners now. and i'm more interested in being non-monogamous, at least for now.

Jacksper
07-02-16, 03:34 PM
It's interesting how you seem to be, on the one hand, desperate to find your own identity and avoid all stereotyping/boxes, yet the way you talk about men sounds sounds really bigoted. Just an observation.

julialouise
07-02-16, 04:54 PM
It's interesting how you seem to be, on the one hand, desperate to find your own identity and avoid all stereotyping/boxes, yet the way you talk about men sounds sounds really bigoted. Just an observation.

1) i literally described myself using boxes (queer, femme, agender, asexual)
2) i mentioned men maybe once and all i said was that i didn't want to keep dating them (edit: exclusively). but please correct me.
3) despite the fact that i'm replying right now, i really don't give a rat's *** what your observations are about me if im not asking for them.

edit:
4) the way you described my identity confuses me. Do you think that not having a gender, or not being sexually attracted to people, and using the terms for those phenomena to be "a desperate search for identity?" Because they very much are part of my identity, and others also share this experience. Either way, I find it to be very condescending and rude, or at least, very uninformed.

Fortune
07-02-16, 05:15 PM
Transgender women on estrogen are not physically just like cis men, if that means anything. Hormones are fairly powerful chemicals and can change a lot more than you might expect.

I'm agender/woman (both depending), asexual (but not aromantic - I am romantically attracted to women primarily), femme-presenting (when I can afford clothes which I have to admit hasn't been the case for awhile). I am also autistic as well as having ADHD, PTSD, and major depression, and it really is difficult to find someone who has a lot in common with me. To be fair, I don't usually spend much time looking.

Still, I do hear you about the difficulty. I hope you find someone good.

julialouise
07-02-16, 05:23 PM
Transgender women on estrogen are not physically just like cis men, if that means anything. Hormones are fairly powerful chemicals and can change a lot more than you might expect.

I'm agender/woman (both depending), asexual (but not aromantic - I am romantically attracted to women primarily), femme-presenting (when I can afford clothes which I have to admit hasn't been the case for awhile). I am also autistic as well as having ADHD, PTSD, and major depression, and it really is difficult to find someone who has a lot in common with me. To be fair, I don't usually spend much time looking.

Still, I do hear you about the difficulty. I hope you find someone good.

Oh for sure! Hormones do wonders for ppl using them. I definitely do not think that a woman who is trans is any less of a woman because of her body, same with cis and trans men. It just takes a lot of effort and time to unlearn all of these ridiculous and compulsory gender-binary stuff that we've been taught since birth, even though i'm not cis either. Lol!

I have ADHD and depression too, and I wouldn't say i have full-blown PTSD but i experienced a very abusive relationship at age 13-14 and it has made sexual relationships incredibly difficult. so yeah, the ace/ptsd thing is something that closes off a bunch of relationships with people for me too.

thank u!!! i wish u luck too!!!

Jacksper
07-02-16, 05:24 PM
Well, this is an open forum, so expect to get the thoughts and observations from people. Of course you are free to disagree with them, and I respect that.

If I misunderstood your words and you are not bigoted towards men then I have no problem with you at all. You are under no obligation to date them, of course (I have no wish to date men either ;)).

Yes, I do think that all those boxes that you mention can be part of a bigger search for one's personal identity (though in no way am I saying that I disagree with all of them, though some make no sense to me). I think that a lot of youth nowadays are very confused, and that worries me. I don't say this to be judging you, I don't know you and you (and everyone else for that matter) are free to do what you want, and I hope that you live a happy and meaningful life.

julialouise
07-02-16, 05:34 PM
Well, this is an open forum, so expect to get the thoughts and observations from people. Of course you are free to disagree with them, and I respect that.

If I misunderstood your words and you are not bigoted towards men then I have no problem with you at all. You are under no obligation to date them, of course (I have no wish to date men either ;)).

Yes, I do think that all those boxes that you mention can be part of a bigger search for one's personal identity (though in no way am I saying that I disagree with all of them, though some make no sense to me). I think that a lot of youth nowadays are very confused, and that worries me. I don't say this to be judging you, I don't know you and you (and everyone else for that matter) are free to do what you want, and I hope that you have a good life.

It is an open forum, but my post was directed specifically toward women and nonbinary people who are also attracted to women and nonbinary people. And yet, you disrespected my wishes. This is an open forum, but this is my thread, and i explicitly described what i wanted this thread to become.

A lot of youth today, i would argue, are a lot less confused than those of previous generations. Today, we feel more freedom in expression. Although many queer ppl still experience a lot of discrimination, people are starting to (for example) learn that it's ok and normal to not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. We are creating and learning new language to help us understand different types of attraction and different experiences of gender. and that is so, so, so awesome. I don't feel like a girl and I don't feel like a boy. I am also not sexually attracted to people unless i like their personality and what they look like. Just like someone might describe themselves as a "heterosexual male," I have every ability to describe myself as an "agender asexual." Neither of us are on a desperate search for our identity and we have both found words that work for us.

Have a good time too.

Fortune
07-02-16, 05:36 PM
Oh for sure! Hormones do wonders for ppl using them. I definitely do not think that a woman who is trans is any less of a woman because of her body, same with cis and trans men. It just takes a lot of effort and time to unlearn all of these ridiculous and compulsory gender-binary stuff that we've been taught since birth, even though i'm not cis either. Lol!

I have ADHD and depression too, and I wouldn't say i have full-blown PTSD but i experienced a very abusive relationship at age 13-14 and it has made sexual relationships incredibly difficult. so yeah, the ace/ptsd thing is something that closes off a bunch of relationships with people for me too.

thank u!!! i wish u luck too!!!

Oh, I didn't think you were saying trans women are less of a woman, just I know things and thought maybe that information might help.

Re relationships, it doesn't help that my first serious relationship exacerbated my PTSD even more because abusive partner.

Fortunately, even though it is a couple of decades later, I am learning to make peace with that history.

Fortune
07-02-16, 05:40 PM
I also agree that young people today are not particularly confused. I know plenty of people who know exactly who and what they are and have no qualms asserting it. We're getting more nuance about gender identity and sexual orientation than ever before in modern western society, and that can only be a benefit.

DrumWeezer
07-07-16, 11:14 PM
It's interesting because I was asked a similar question by a student at the University I teach at and attend (PhD candidate). Where do I go to meet queer women? I had to really think about it because I haven't been on the dating scene for 12 years now, and things have radically changed since then. She had also mentioned tinder. I've actually never used tinder, so I don't really know how effective it is, but I will tell you what I used to do when I was on the dating scene: I participated in LGBTQ organizations at my college and outside of my college. I went to various LGBTQ clubs. I did meet some individuals online through dating sites (akin to tinder I'm thinking), but for the most part, I never had luck with those sites.

Does your college have an LGBTQ organization? Or are there any LGBTQ organizations in your city? Are there any clubs in your area?

As far as my experiences being a queer individual with ADD, I don't really know if having ADD shaped the way I interacted with individuals. I was just diagnosed four months ago with ADD. I'm now 33 years old. Additionally, I don't really know if the women I dated had ADD or ADHD. The reason I structured this sentence this way is because from what I know the women I did date did not have ADD or ADHD. However, this was the late 1990s and early 2000s. The medical community, in addition to the population at large, thought of ADHD and ADD very differently than they do today. So, they could have very well had ADD or ADHD and had not been diagnosed. Regardless, if they did have ADD or ADHD, that wouldn't have affected the way I felt about them. My partner for 10 years was also recently diagnosed with ADD, a different kind but still ADD. I've known my partner for 16 years.

sarahsweets
07-08-16, 03:49 AM
It is an open forum, but my post was directed specifically toward women and nonbinary people who are also attracted to women and nonbinary people. And yet, you disrespected my wishes. This is an open forum, but this is my thread, and i explicitly described what i wanted this thread to become.
I didnt think you only wanted women and nonbinary people to respond- I thought you would welcome all responses even if they are from people who identify differently.

I am still learning about all of this. My son brought home someone he met on a dating site, their name is Hailee. They say they are nonbinary as well. As you can see, I am practicing using the correct pronouns. Rather than her or she I am trying hard to use they, their or them. I had no idea what any of it meant. He is 20 years old and straight but God bless this boy for having an open mind. Hailee seems to present not as a woman or man....they wear clothes that could be considered somewhat feminine but not completely. Their clothes are not quite masculine either. Clothes really are a silly way to identify gender now in days.

Over all I just want him to be happy. I want everyone to be happy and feel comfortable in their own skin.

julialouise
07-08-16, 04:23 PM
It's interesting because I was asked a similar question by a student at the University I teach at and attend (PhD candidate). Where do I go to meet queer women? I had to really think about it because I haven't been on the dating scene for 12 years now, and things have radically changed since then. She had also mentioned tinder. I've actually never used tinder, so I don't really know how effective it is, but I will tell you what I used to do when I was on the dating scene: I participated in LGBTQ organizations at my college and outside of my college. I went to various LGBTQ clubs. I did meet some individuals online through dating sites (akin to tinder I'm thinking), but for the most part, I never had luck with those sites.

my school has maybe 1400-1600 students at it, and it's the only school in the biggest town (a whopping 36,000 people!!!) in a 45 mile radius. if there are queer kids, i know them. but chicago has a pretty good scene, especially a good queer punk scene and i'm really excited to become more of a part of it. i went to a Fed Up Fest fundraiser at a pizza place last night and it was great. it was also partially a date with that girl i mentioned earlier, and it went well, but i'm not looking for a relationship rn and, she has a really nice face, but i don't think i'm super into her.

I didnt think you only wanted women and nonbinary people to respond- I thought you would welcome all responses even if they are from people who identify differently.

I am still learning about all of this. My son brought home someone he met on a dating site, their name is Hailee. They say they are nonbinary as well. As you can see, I am practicing using the correct pronouns. Rather than her or she I am trying hard to use they, their or them. I had no idea what any of it meant. He is 20 years old and straight but God bless this boy for having an open mind. Hailee seems to present not as a woman or man....they wear clothes that could be considered somewhat feminine but not completely. Their clothes are not quite masculine either. Clothes really are a silly way to identify gender now in days.

I did say, "i don't know. are there any other ladies/non-men out there who are also attracted to ladies/non-men?" while posting this in the ADHD Women page. if i wanted anyone to respond, I'd post in the General ADHD page. I also said, "if you don't know what any of those things means, either use google, or this thread is not for you" and i'm pretty sure the first responder didn't realize what any of my identities were or what they meant, judging by the way that he assumed i was "avoiding labels" and on a "desperate search" for identity (wow, that really set me off).

Also, yes, please continue to use the right pronouns. But please don't act like it's a struggle or a chore or like you deserve a pat on the back for being a decent person. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, it's just, that's what it sounds like when anyone points out the fact that they're doing what they're already supposed to. but still, I'm glad you and your son are open minded! there definitely are people out there who make us feel like alien monsters.

and as far as clothes, yeah, they're kind of ridiculous, but they've always been used to express, and especially divide, gender, and especially moreso now. however, not everyone does. men can wear dresses and lace, nonbinary people can wear exclusively "men's" clothing or "women's" clothing or gender neutral clothing. a girl can wear only "men's" clothing. most of the time, it's by choice of the individual whether or not their clothing expresses their gender. but clothing is definitely not a marker.

Twiggy
07-08-16, 05:27 PM
I just find it funny in a way how people are trying not to be "Categorized" and yet categorize themselves.

Everybody wants to be so different and yet we are all human.

Personal identity is a fun thing to decipher, although some people get too serious about it. (Don't worry, I've been there and done that too in my past)

Just worry about enjoying life.

Fortune
07-08-16, 05:44 PM
Personal identity can be quite a serious thing.

julialouise
07-08-16, 06:14 PM
I just find it funny in a way how people are trying not to be "Categorized" and yet categorize themselves.

Everybody wants to be so different and yet we are all human.

Personal identity is a fun thing to decipher, although some people get too serious about it. (Don't worry, I've been there and done that too in my past)

Just worry about enjoying life.

Can you give me examples? Is everyone doing this? We are human. And we are all different.

Personal identity is extremely important for me to decipher, and it's slightly easier once I realized that everything is a social construct. We created these categories (if you're a constructivist), or we assigned names to these categories (if you're an essentialist), and now we're here floundering about trying to pick the right one in a society that tells us that we have to be either A or B. I find solace in my identities because they give me a place in a world that otherwise wouldn't accept me.

I know that YOU might want to just worry about enjoying life, but having a concept of who I am is just as important to me. When people say things like this, it comes off as extremely dismissive of my experience.

Fortune
07-08-16, 06:26 PM
Indeed. Knowing my orientation, gender, and neurology, and even what I enjoy as hobbies are pretty important to me, and contribute considerably to enjoying life. It's not a dichotomy where it's one or the other, it can easily be both.

Esp. for people who live in liminal spaces or outright marginalized positions.

aeon
07-08-16, 07:01 PM
I grew up in an environment where I was not allowed to develop an individual identity, and was punished any time I expressed as if I had one.

When I was age 15-17, I referred to myself internally as her creation.

Anyway, theres no possibility for me to enjoy life if there is no identity of me to begin with.

For me, personal identity was not a fun thing to decipher, it was something I had to construct and reassemble from the dissociated parts of my self left after trauma.

And I had to let go of all the stuff I had from when I was small, when I had no means to understand, integrate, or cope with what was happening to me. For example, part of my defined self was Im bad, because that was the only reason I could come up with to explain the ways I was abused. People did things to me because Im bad. That took over 20 years to work through and let go of, and for sure, it was not fun, it was a suffering I have no words for. Suicide often seemed an easier choice.

So yes, for me, personal identity was serious business. Life and death serious.

Twiggy, I dont have the sense you had any ill will in your post, but I want you to know that for some people, your post could be experienced as judgmental, dismissive, condescending, and invalidating.

Some people have to fight for the things others have an easier time with, or take for granted. That does not mean they are going about things the wrong way.

Im a constructivist, for what that is worth.


Namaste,
Ian

julialouise
07-08-16, 07:23 PM
I grew up in an environment where I was not allowed to develop an individual identity, and was punished any time I expressed as if I had one.

When I was age 15-17, I referred to myself internally as “her creation.”

Anyway, there’s no possibility for me to enjoy life if there is no identity of “me” to begin with.

For me, personal identity was not a fun thing to decipher, it was something I had to construct and reassemble from the dissociated parts of my self left after trauma.

And I had to let go of all the stuff I had from when I was small, when I had no means to understand, integrate, or cope with what was happening to me. For example, part of my defined self was “I’m bad,” because that was the only reason I could come up with to explain the ways I was abused. People did things to me because “I’m bad.” That took over 20 years to work through and let go of, and for sure, it was not fun, it was a suffering I have no words for. Suicide often seemed an easier choice.

So yes, for me, personal identity was serious business. Life and death serious.

Twiggy, I don’t have the sense you had any ill will in your post, but I want you to know that for some people, your post could be experienced as judgmental, dismissive, condescending, and invalidating.

Some people have to fight for the things others have an easier time with, or take for granted. That does not mean they are going about things the wrong way.

I’m a constructivist, for what that is worth.


Namaste,
Ian

idk if you and i have spoken directly (i'm bad at remembering that sort of stuff, lol!) but whether we've posted on each others things or not, i like almost everything i see you say!! now that that's out of the way, it leads into my next part: thank you for still being here despite everything that may have not allowed that to happen.

(i'm a constructivist too)

edit: i say "almost" because i have not seen everything you have said!

Twiggy
07-08-16, 10:03 PM
Lol, you think I enjoy life? Far from it.
Every day I try though. It's a struggle without end.

Actually, I don't even know who I am. All I know is that I am part of the human race.

There were times where I thought deeply about all the little things that could be called my "Personal Identity", but things that I identify with one minute changes radically to the next.

All I know is that the empty feeling of being unknown to myself doesn't go away.

I now just laugh at all the people that think they know who they are at one phase of their life, but it all changes like any other life phase.

I had a best friend that identified as a Transgender person. They did the hormones and surgeries of the gender that they thought they were.

About 5 months after they were fully transitioned, they committed suicide because they still had "Personal Identity" issues...mostly they said it was Depression and that they couldn't go back to their previous life.

They went through a phase that didn't last. And I lost a great friend that I tried to support to the best of my ability.

You can say all you want how invalidating I may sound, but it was a life experience from a friend that changed the way I see "Personal Identity".
We would always talk about it together and it was heartbreaking to see what happened to my friend. I really wish they were still alive.

aeon
07-08-16, 10:25 PM
Thanks for that Twiggy, I always appreciate hearing someone’s story, especially if it offers me a chance to understand something of them so I can meet them where they are, as they are.


Cheers,
Ian

Fortune
07-09-16, 12:38 AM
Twiggy, not to trivialize what your friend went through, but the vast majority of people who transition end up better off in terms of mental health and quality of life. We've all had our struggles but they're not necessarily the same struggles.

It's easy to generalize from a bad experience, but for many people this sort of exploration iis a positive thing.

mrh235
07-09-16, 12:59 AM
It's interesting how you seem to be, on the one hand, desperate to find your own identity and avoid all stereotyping/boxes, yet the way you talk about men sounds sounds really bigoted. Just an observation.

So true, if you're having issues finding a partner it probably has to do with the bigotry and stereotypes. Nobody likes being generalized and stereotyped just because they happen to be a certain gender, individual, or have a certain condition. Everyone is an individual.

Cyllya
07-09-16, 04:17 AM
I've heard a lot of people have issues when they are both queer plus any other minority (race, mental health, whatever). Looking at it numerically, I guess that's kind of inevitable. I don't even know how people in the majority find relationships! (Indeed, I see them complaining about it all the time, so it's apparently not easy for them either.)

I can partially sympathize because I'm aromantic asexual female-bodied and without a strong gender identity, but none of those things are really apparent about me, so I usually get to benefit from heteronormative privilege. (Being aromantic asexual also means I get the "I don't have to worry about finding a relationship" privilege.)

I wonder if you might have more luck on niche dating sites, instead of mainstream sites like Tinder? I know there are dating websites for people with psychiatric health problems, although judging by this topic, that's not going to go well. :rolleyes:

in my last Tinder spree, i matched with just under 30 people maybe, and i'm only still talking to one of them and she's really cute, a trans-femme girl, and we have quite a bit in common, from our interests to some of our mental disorder symptoms. we will probably make plans to hang out soon this summer, but it hasn't happened. and i know this is bad of me, and quite transphobic, but physically she isn't any different from the cis-men that i've dated and i'm worried about that being a problem. i don't want her to think that i think of her as anything less than a woman through just plain ignorance and lack of experience.
What kind of problem are you worried about? Emotional issues from similarity to bad past experience? Or just worried you'll find her less attractive?

If the former, being with her might help break the association.

So true, if you're having issues finding a partner it probably has to do with the bigotry and stereotypes. Nobody likes being generalized and stereotyped just because they happen to be a certain gender, individual, or have a certain condition. Everyone is an individual.

Dude, this makes no sense. For one, by this logic, everyone who is straight, gay/lesbian, or even bisexual is inherently bigoted for having their sexual orientation. Second, the OP isn't even in those categories. She's(?) gray-ace/demisexual and attracted to people of all genders, and she's aiming for a relationship with an MTF person despite qualms about possibly having emotional issues with that body type. How the heck is would it even be possible to be less gender-bigoted than that? That is an outright epitome of non-bigotry which the rest of us should look up to as an example.

I just find it funny in a way how people are trying not to be "Categorized" and yet categorize themselves.

Everybody wants to be so different and yet we are all human.

Some people seem to really hate categories, but guess what? There's another category of us who like categories. It's not like everyone is one big group who is indecisive about categories. Judging by the number of internet quizzes along the lines of "What kind of cheese are you?" the category-loving category has a substantial number of people.

The category lovers don't like it when someone tries to force an incorrect category onto them or ascribes incorrect traits to their category (e.g. thinking that being in the "ADHD" category means someone is intellectually disabled, or thinking a black person must be inclined to violence, or thinking an autistic person is sociopathic, or thinking a bisexual person can't be happy in a monogamous relationship, etc).

ADHD is a category. Ever had somebody deny that category for you? (e.g. they say ADHD isn't real, or you don't fit what they think ADHD is, or they think no one should be considered ADHD because no one should be labeled anything.) How did that feel?

It's interesting how you seem to be, on the one hand, desperate to find your own identity and avoid all stereotyping/boxes, yet the way you talk about men sounds sounds really bigoted. Just an observation.
Yes, I do think that all those boxes that you mention can be part of a bigger search for one's personal identity (though in no way am I saying that I disagree with all of them, though some make no sense to me).

If someone made a topic about finding a relationship without mentioning those kinds of boxes, it's usually because they are heterosexual, heteroromantic, and cisgender. Would someone look like they were desperate to find their own identity in that case?

As you can see, I am practicing using the correct pronouns. Rather than her or she I am trying hard to use they, their or them. I had no idea what any of it meant.

I wonder if society will ever get to a point where we just use they/them/their/theirs for everyone. It would solve so many problems. (We already did that with second person pronouns. We used to use thou/thee/thy/thine for singular and ye/you/your/yours for plural, but much like the royal "we," referring to a single person in the plural was considered more respectful, so the singular version just got dropped and is now considered archaic.

julialouise
07-09-16, 09:10 AM
So true, if you're having issues finding a partner it probably has to do with the bigotry and stereotypes. Nobody likes being generalized and stereotyped just because they happen to be a certain gender, individual, or have a certain condition. Everyone is an individual.

Wow.

Living in the patriarchal US society, there are major implications for being in a heterosexual relationship as a femme-presenting person. There are power imbalances, I have to deal with sexism (benign and full-force) in almost every interaction with a dude. I never generalized men and you two are just picking this out because--- I don't even know!! It obviously seems like you both are people who benefit from a heteronormative society and have never been in a relationship with someone of the same gender, or searched for one. Is bisexuality that confusing to you? Or my desire to experience something I haven't yet, but would like to?. And honestly, so what if I generalize men, especially after so many bad, terrible, and life-threatening situations with them? I just want to date a damn cute girl who has more in common with me than a guy who doesn't understand the first thing about my struggle. Either way, this is all I'm going to say to you because you annoy me and you're making assumptions about me that are very misleading and rude.

julialouise
07-09-16, 11:05 AM
I've heard a lot of people have issues when they are both queer plus any other minority (race, mental health, whatever). Looking at it numerically, I guess that's kind of inevitable. I don't even know how people in the majority find relationships! (Indeed, I see them complaining about it all the time, so it's apparently not easy for them either.)

I can partially sympathize because I'm aromantic asexual female-bodied and without a strong gender identity, but none of those things are really apparent about me, so I usually get to benefit from heteronormative privilege. (Being aromantic asexual also means I get the "I don't have to worry about finding a relationship" privilege.)

I wonder if you might have more luck on niche dating sites, instead of mainstream sites like Tinder? I know there are dating websites for people with psychiatric health problems, although judging by this topic, that's not going to go well.


What kind of problem are you worried about? Emotional issues from similarity to bad past experience? Or just worried you'll find her less attractive?

If the former, being with her might help break the association.


tinder is great lol! matching with and talking to people is fun because it gives me a slight rush, but i'm just nervous about meeting anyone in person because i don't know what they expect sexually (and i'm a very non-sexual person, and it depends highly on the other person and my mental state), i'm nervous about how they'll perceive me, i don't like spending the time and money on travel to meet with someone if i haven't spoken to them long enough. also, if it's a guy, i'm not 100% sure about my safety if i'm alone with him.

the date with the girl went fine, i wasn't too into her though. i hope we can just be friends but she hasn't been as responsive to my messages. i just know that 1) she deserves better than me and 2) i just don't think the chemistry is there.

sarahsweets
07-09-16, 12:52 PM
.....
I did say, "i don't know. are there any other ladies/non-men out there who are also attracted to ladies/non-men?" while posting this in the ADHD Women page. if i wanted anyone to respond, I'd post in the General ADHD page.

So what you are saying is, you dont want anyone to respond unless they are ladies/non-men who are attracted to ladies/non-men? When someone posts in the women's section it doesnt meant men cant respond and it doesnt mean that someone who isnt exactly like what the OP describes cant respond. Frankly my feelings are a little hurt that what I had to say was so dismissed and invalidated.


I also said, "if you don't know what any of those things means, either use google, or this thread is not for you"
I thought I explained that I understood to the best of my abilities what those things meant.


Also, yes, please continue to use the right pronouns. But please don't act like it's a struggle or a chore or like you deserve a pat on the back for being a decent person. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, it's just, that's what it sounds like when anyone points out the fact that they're doing what they're already supposed to. but still, I'm glad you and your son are open minded! there definitely are people out there who make us feel like alien monsters.

I wasnt trying to pat myself on the back. I was trying to share what I am learning. No, its not a chore but it is hard for me because some of the pronouns can be used in the plural sense, and figuring out the actual grammer part is hard for me.

A little about me...
My bff is gay..From age 22-on Ive been by his side through what ignorant folks would call "flamboyant" stages, he did drag and won some contests. The only bar scene I was a part of were the lesbian and gay clubs in Philly. My brother came out to me when he was 16. He is 26 now. He struggled with his identity for years, trying to fulfill what he thought society found as acceptable (for someone who is gay). He took years to get his sh*t together, and just this past May graduated with his RN in nursing. He says he finally feels like he has a niche.
My daughter who is 12 came out to me last year. As much as society wants to see it as a phase, I know in my heart that she is who she is, and only she can determine what that identity will be.
I cant help but repeat that my feelings are hurt. I expressed something that I literally as of last week was trying to learn. Maybe its easy for you to grasp the proper pronounds and meanings. Its something that is new for me and Im sorry to say, at the moment difficult.

I shared all of this because you seem to think that I have no knowledge of the LGBTQ issues and how alienating, and lonely they can be for people.

I have fought for gay rights, most notably with administration at my old college due to what they said and did to my gay friend.
I am not saying this because I am this great person who deserves praise and acknowledgment, but I do deserve to be heard.
I find it a little concerning that you simply didnt want anyone who isnt like to respond. I know that even if people are not experiencing what I am when I post, I welcome the discussion.
Please dont be angry with this post. I have seen such horrors because of lack of awareness, lack of equal rights etc.
I was born in '75. I had loved ones, FAMILY who died of aids because the word was too busy dismissing it as 'gay cancer' to put money into research and treatment.
Does that mean you dont deserve a right to weigh in on the aids epidemic even though you may not personally have had experience with this issue? of course not.
When it comes to the LGBTQ community, the support from everyone is whats needed.
and as far as clothes, yeah, they're kind of ridiculous, but they've always been used to express, and especially divide, gender, and especially moreso now. however, not everyone does. men can wear dresses and lace, nonbinary people can wear exclusively "men's" clothing or "women's" clothing or gender neutral clothing. a girl can wear only "men's" clothing. most of the time, it's by choice of the individual whether or not their clothing expresses their gender. but clothing is definitely not a marker.[/QUOTE]

Opearli
07-09-16, 01:18 PM
I'm mainly physically sttracted to people with more female traits ( i have no better way of putting this?) I'd consider myself pan and i don't really know the term for this (or i might but just not remember it) i don't really apply any genders to myself? Because I feel like neither.

I haven't had much luck relationship wise.
My first was with a cis male in middle school, he was so rude when i got to know him it really put me off men.
The rest of my relationships after that were all online and utter bliss, but they all ended on mutual ground due to us fading apart or just not interested with eachother in that way anymore.

I also really find it hard to date someone I've known under 4 months to a year.

I've tried dating apps but I just find them too awkward?

DrumWeezer
07-09-16, 08:05 PM
I feel that this thread has gone in a different direction. Nothing wrong with that, but I think the purpose of the thread was to seek advice in finding like-minded individuals? Again, I think the best way of meeting like-minded individuals is by going to spaces specifically meant for LGBTQ communities. However, this can be challenging if one is introverted, such as myself, or lives in a rural space, such as myself. Ultimately though, I really think it takes courage to make one's self visible to others, and no matter how one identifies, every human being (to some extent) struggles in taking such a risk.

Although this might sound cliche, I do think that people tend to find their significant others when they are not looking. I know that this was the case for me. I had just gotten out of a really bad four-year relationship with a woman. After ending that relationship, I had decided that I would try to be celibate for a time. Yet, that is when I re-met my now significant other. We had lost contact with one another. We had actually found each other on MySpace. At first, we were just friends, but after two months, that turned into something else. Instead of questioning it, I just let it happen. And now, we have been together for 10 years.

Yet, it does seem that at times, people might lose out on opportunities with other individuals because of certain kinds of expectations. When I was on the dating scene, I took whatever I could get. It was not that I was desperate. On the contrary, I never was. Rather, at the time, it was extremely difficult to find LGBTQ people outside of a local gay club. Most individuals weren't willing to take the risk to be out. Therefore, pickings were slim. Because I am a sexual being, I wanted to have sexual experiences no matter how they relationship with the person turned out. So, was I down for one-night stands? Sure. Was I down for short-term relationships? Sure. Was I down for long-term relationships? Sure. Was I down in just being a companion to go to events? Sure. And whenever there was a time where I was not comfortable in doing any of those things, I just simply didn't do them. And if things didn't work out, well, they didn't work out. That doesn't mean that I wasn't upset or heartbroken about it, but I knew that if I took that risk, I had to also be willing to accept the consequences....whatever they were.

Little Missy
07-09-16, 08:54 PM
I must be really out of the loop. I have not heard the term 'queer' used since I was in high school.

mildadhd
07-09-16, 09:02 PM
I can relate to some of the "ADD-PI" parts of this thread discussion.



m

julialouise
07-09-16, 10:14 PM
So what you are saying is, you dont want anyone to respond unless they are ladies/non-men who are attracted to ladies/non-men? When someone posts in the women's section it doesnt meant men cant respond and it doesnt mean that someone who isnt exactly like what the OP describes cant respond. Frankly my feelings are a little hurt that what I had to say was so dismissed and invalidated.

I wasnt trying to pat myself on the back. I was trying to share what I am learning. No, its not a chore but it is hard for me because some of the pronouns can be used in the plural sense, and figuring out the actual grammer part is hard for me.

I shared all of this because you seem to think that I have no knowledge of the LGBTQ issues and how alienating, and lonely they can be for people.


I'm sorry you read my response that way. Please read it over again with the understanding that I was agreeing with what you were saying. The only thing I pointed out was the pronoun thing, and I even said " I'm not saying that's what you're doing, it's just, that's what it sounds like when anyone points out the fact that they're doing what they're already supposed to."

Also, I never said you weren't knowledgeable. I was talking about the first commenters, not you. I know it can be hard, but please read what I say more closely so I don't have to clarify stuff because it irks me to no end (and it can cause hurt feelings)

julialouise
07-09-16, 10:20 PM
I must be really out of the loop. I have not heard the term 'queer' used since I was in high school.

I use queer for myself because it's easier than listing all my labels. But i strongly advise non-LGBT people to avoid using the word.

julialouise
07-09-16, 10:24 PM
God I'm sorry this is just so much more stressful than I wanted it to be. I just wanted similar people to help me with an issue that we've both had to face!!! there is nothing wrong with that!!! if i have a question about history, i go to a history teacher. not a science teacher. if i have a question about being a (mostly) woman wanting to date other (mostly) women, a man's response is going to get me nowhere.

Fortune
07-10-16, 04:43 AM
Not saying that julialouise is being transphobic - I don't think that's the case - but I would never cite Dan Savage as a source on what constitutes transphobia. Savage is himself pretty transphobic.

TheFitFatty
07-11-16, 01:12 AM
Not saying that julialouise is being transphobic - I don't think that's the case - but I would never cite Dan Savage as a source on what constitutes transphobia. Savage is himself pretty transphobic.

Not sure where my post went? :scratch:

Is Savage transphobic? Unfortunately that was the first Dan Savage post I'd read in about a decade. He and most of the sites that carry his columns are banned in the UAE, and I can't remember where I saw this one, but I thought he handled it well.

Frankly, compared to some of the trans-phobic comments I've read, questioning whether you can be in a relationship with someone trans is probably far down the list.

I think the OP's young and, by her own admission not ready for a monogamous relationship, so should enjoy playing the field for awhile. As long as she's open and honest about what she wants from a relationship there's no harm in that.

julialouise
07-11-16, 11:13 AM
Not sure where my post went? :scratch:

Is Savage transphobic? Unfortunately that was the first Dan Savage post I'd read in about a decade. He and most of the sites that carry his columns are banned in the UAE, and I can't remember where I saw this one, but I thought he handled it well.

Frankly, compared to some of the trans-phobic comments I've read, questioning whether you can be in a relationship with someone trans is probably far down the list.

I think the OP's young and, by her own admission not ready for a monogamous relationship, so should enjoy playing the field for awhile. As long as she's open and honest about what she wants from a relationship there's no harm in that.

Thanks 4 your responses! I just wanna say, a good rule of thumb when trying to figure out what's transphobic or not, is to see what actual trans people are saying, no one else.

TheFitFatty
07-11-16, 11:26 PM
Thanks 4 your responses! I just wanna say, a good rule of thumb when trying to figure out what's transphobic or not, is to see what actual trans people are saying, no one else.

Normally I would do that. But you don't have too many openly trans people in the UAE, and the (one) that I do know from home, doesn't really agree with most other trans people (by her own admission). :confused:

mrh235
07-12-16, 12:05 AM
Wow.

Living in the patriarchal US society, there are major implications for being in a heterosexual relationship as a femme-presenting person. There are power imbalances, I have to deal with sexism (benign and full-force) in almost every interaction with a dude. I never generalized men and you two are just picking this out because--- I don't even know!! It obviously seems like you both are people who benefit from a heteronormative society and have never been in a relationship with someone of the same gender, or searched for one. Is bisexuality that confusing to you? Or my desire to experience something I haven't yet, but would like to?. And honestly, so what if I generalize men, especially after so many bad, terrible, and life-threatening situations with them? I just want to date a damn cute girl who has more in common with me than a guy who doesn't understand the first thing about my struggle. Either way, this is all I'm going to say to you because you annoy me and you're making assumptions about me that are very misleading and rude.

This is a very sexist, short-sighted, and bigoted comment. Not everything is due to the patriarchy of society and men bashing us like you did by talking about how privileged we are just further alienates yourself and show the point that you have an axe to grind with men. It's not right, not accurate, and you need to drop it.

Bisexual isn't confusing at all to me in the slightest, neither is your desire, and I respect it. My sexuality doesn't fit in a box either, and I'm not bashing women or men here like you are. I've dated a girl who was pansexual and while confusing I was very supportive the whole way through, but she didn't men bash like you are here.
Generalizing men is what crosses the line. If you're so easily and readily able to generalize men based off of your bad experiences and rely on sexist assumptions about society and label men, who is to say you'll fair any better than women?

You can't insult people because of their gender and label us as benefiting from society or being privileged solely because of the fact we are men. Drop it. I'm all for a civil discussion, but this type of hate speech you are promoting will get you nowhere.

mrh235
07-12-16, 12:09 AM
Dude, this makes no sense. For one, by this logic, everyone who is straight, gay/lesbian, or even bisexual is inherently bigoted for having their sexual orientation. Second, the OP isn't even in those categories. She's(?) gray-ace/demisexual and attracted to people of all genders, and she's aiming for a relationship with an MTF person despite qualms about possibly having emotional issues with that body type. How the heck is would it even be possible to be less gender-bigoted than that? That is an outright epitome of non-bigotry which the rest of us should look up to as an example.


The attraction is non-bigoted but she's men bashing due to her circumstances, and do to her vehement men bashing and assuming men like myself obviously benefit from societal and that everything has to do with the patriarchy is incredibly sexist, short-sighted, and bigoted. I bolded a quote from her post above, and it is appalling. When she is willing to assume this about men, how is it a leap to assume she may due to the same to women?
I'm all for mutual understanding, giving others the benefit of the doubt, but not when I'm being insultingly labeled for no good reason. All men aren't benefiting from the patriarchy, or heteronormative standards, and generalizing us does like OP does is an incredible disservice.

namazu
07-12-16, 02:00 AM
MODERATOR NOTE: Please be respectful, stay on topic, and avoid political discussions (which are prohibited by ADDF guidelines (http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=75)).

Here's a digest version of the OP:
i know that women with ADHD, and maybe ADHD-PI specifically, have trouble interacting with other women, especially neurotypical women. it's hard enough being queer in the dating scene, and even harder being mentally ill and queer.
[...]
are there any other ladies/non-men out there who are also attracted to ladies/non-men? what the hell do you do? are you successful? i'm in college, so i didn't think it would be this hard, but i'm also very picky when looking for partners now. and i'm more interested in being non-monogamous, at least for now.

Thank you.

julialouise
07-12-16, 09:34 AM
Normally I would do that. But you don't have too many openly trans people in the UAE, and the (one) that I do know from home, doesn't really agree with most other trans people (by her own admission). :confused:

Do you have access to the Internet and other blogs online? That's a very good starting point. B)

TheFitFatty
07-13-16, 12:07 AM
Do you have access to the Internet and other blogs online? That's a very good starting point. B)

No I don't have access to the internet. I'm communicating on this forum via telekinesis. :eyebrow:

DrumWeezer
07-13-16, 07:12 PM
Sorry that I disappear from the forums every few days. For some reason, whenever I try to log on to the forums the next day, it gives me the "you don't have access to..." even though I do have access to the forum.

I've been rather quiet responding to the many directions this thread has taken (lots of spiraling into rabbit holes) mostly because there never seems to be enough time in the day or night and also the last thing I sometimes want to do is write and read when I already write and read quite a lot.

As some of you know, I'm getting my PhD. My academic focus (what I research, study, write, publish, speak, and present about) is in feminist/queer rhetorics. As such, I've taught Women's studies classes, Gender studies classes, etc., in addition to what I normally teach, Composition. I research, publish, present academic findings in this area, and I often create professional development workshops for teachers using perspectives in these areas. In truth, this is probably why I have been avoiding engaging in these rabbit holes because this is the work I do for a living.

For individuals who do not identify as feminists or queer (in anyway), you can disregard what I'm about to say. Here it goes:

If one identifies as a feminist (participates in feminist circles, reads feminist literature, practices feminist tenants), then one believes that the personal is political.

To be honest, it does not surprise me that the one who cried "wolf" was a member (privileged by gender) who felt marginalized because of the suggestion (more like fact for me) that men are privileged. Of course, this privilege can be different when one considers race, class, sexual orientation, etc. So, yes, we cannot make the generalization that all men have the same kind of privilege. They do not. But, what we do know, is that any male individual (regardless of ethnicity, race, class, and age) is thought of and interacted very differently than a woman: good or bad.

Another feminist tenant is that feminists believe that all individuals (regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation, etc.) should be treated equally. Of course, as I've already illustrated in my discussion above, this is much easier said than done. I've also seen this just simply look at this thread. Julia, I hear your feminist and queer battle cry. I hear it. I acknowledge it. I empathize with your frustration, aggravation, and rage, and I hope by my listening and acknowledgement you find a way to "raise your consciousness" to quote our feminist founding mothers and fathers (men can be feminists too). But also try to listen to the many women's and men's voices on this forum as well. In fact, I would encourage you to practice Krista Ratcliffe's, a well known feminist in my field, rhetorical listening. Although I'm not going to give you breakdown of all the implications of rhetorical listening, I do want to say that it does mean that you will have to listen even when you don't want to, even when you reject such notions, even when they might incite passion or rage in you. You must listen in order to raise your consciousness. And you must respond respectfully for even when you listen to the things that you don't agree with, you raise your own consciousness. In short, you become empowered.

Which leads me to my final feminist tenant that I would like to talk about. As a feminist, one also empowers other feminists, especially younger feminists. This is part of putting feminism into practice. It does no good to hold all of this knowledge without empowering others. So, I know that this response sounds pretty patronizing and perhaps even might make people feel uncomfortable (which is why I avoid getting all "academy" in the majority of spaces). Even I think to myself, "Geez, Kim." But really, this response comes from a place of feminist and queer love: a place of investing and empowering in feminist and queer individuals.

And, now, my brain is very tired.

TheFitFatty
07-13-16, 11:16 PM
Sorry that I disappear from the forums every few days. For some reason, whenever I try to log on to the forums the next day, it gives me the "you don't have access to..." even though I do have access to the forum.



Click on Chat, and then http://www.addforums.com/forums/images/misc/navbits_start.gif (http://addforums.com/forums/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=1822829#) <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr valign="bottom"><td>
</td><td> </td> <td width="100%">ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community (http://addforums.com/forums/index.php)

:)
</td></tr></tbody></table>

midnightstar
07-14-16, 03:25 AM
Closed for moderator review.

midnightstar
07-14-16, 04:18 PM
Please stay on topic, respect all members and avoid discussing moderator actions. Thanks.

Thread re-opened.

This is the OP:


I'll start off my giving some basics. i'm a queer, femme-presenting, agender/nonbinary person (if you don't know what any of those things means, either use google, or this thread is not for you). i am gray-asexual (maybe demisexual) and i am attracted to people of all genders (though i swear i am becoming less and less attracted to cis-men), but i really would love to have a relationship with someone who isn't a cis-male. i've been in multiple romantic relationships with boys who, now that i've done a bunch of research, likely also have ADHD or other neurological differences, but i've only had a long-distance, online relationship with a girl.

i know that women with ADHD, and maybe ADHD-PI specifically, have trouble interacting with other women, especially neurotypical women. it's hard enough being queer in the dating scene, and even harder being mentally ill and queer. i've matched with a lot of really cute girls on tinder, but they don't usually respond to me, and if they do, we don't interact for too long. also an issue with tinder: i never want to meet the people i match with!! i either don't want to travel to see them (since a lot of the time, they're in the heart of Chicago and i'm in the suburbs), or i don't want to spend money on travel, or i worry that it's going to be a horrible trainwreck, or i worry that i'm going to get bored on the date and want to go home and i don't want to travel 20+ minutes for that.

a lot of people on tinder are looking for fairly speedy dates, so i'm lucky when i find someone like me who needs a lot of communication with someone beforehand. that way, i know i can trust them at least a little easier, i have a better understanding of their personality, and we already know what we're both interested in. i've matched with over 100 people, almost 200, on tinder since i first downloaded the app a year or two ago, but i've only met with like 3 of them. in my last Tinder spree, i matched with just under 30 people maybe, and i'm only still talking to one of them and she's really cute, a trans-femme girl, and we have quite a bit in common, from our interests to some of our mental disorder symptoms. we will probably make plans to hang out soon this summer, but it hasn't happened. and i know this is bad of me, and quite transphobic, but physically she isn't any different from the cis-men that i've dated and i'm worried about that being a problem. i don't want her to think that i think of her as anything less than a woman through just plain ignorance and lack of experience.

i don't know. are there any other ladies/non-men out there who are also attracted to ladies/non-men? what the hell do you do? are you successful? i'm in college, so i didn't think it would be this hard, but i'm also very picky when looking for partners now. and i'm more interested in being non-monogamous, at least for now.

julialouise
07-14-16, 04:35 PM
update!!

so i went to a punk show downtown and i met up with that girl i mentioned in my OP. it went well, i liked spending time with her, but i don't think that we'll date.

also, i did go on a date with someone else the other night, and i'm seeing him again tonight. i'm only a little bit nervous because it's only our second date and he's quite a bit older than me.... we have a lot in common so far though, from politics to music to tv, we have witty/sharp convos, and i'm ACTUALLY sexually attracted to him!! my antidepressants kill my sex drive, and i dont know if it's because i've been PMS-ing and i'm on my period, but i've actually felt kind of normal lately, with regards to that. i'm really excited about this and i hope it all goes well.

i still wanna be able to talk to cute girls and date them too, though. men just keep showing up in my life first!!!!

aeon
07-14-16, 06:30 PM
update!!

so i went to a punk show downtown and i met up with that girl i mentioned in my OP. it went well, i liked spending time with her, but i don't think that we'll date.

also, i did go on a date with someone else the other night, and i'm seeing him again tonight. i'm only a little bit nervous because it's only our second date and he's quite a bit older than me.... we have a lot in common so far though, from politics to music to tv, we have witty/sharp convos, and i'm ACTUALLY sexually attracted to him!! my antidepressants kill my sex drive, and i dont know if it's because i've been PMS-ing and i'm on my period, but i've actually felt kind of normal lately, with regards to that. i'm really excited about this and i hope it all goes well.

i still wanna be able to talk to cute girls and date them too, though. men just keep showing up in my life first!!!!

I wish you the best, regardless.


Blessed Be,
Ian

jiitters
08-08-16, 07:28 PM
i didnt read all of the posts in this thread but i relate to this topic sooo much julialouise. really glad to see someone on the forum who is queer as in not just gay/lesbian/bi. i identify as queer/demisexual at the moment, although my inability to form relationships has made it really hard for me to know for sure who i'm interested in and in what ways. so i use the vaguest terms possible... which is also hard in The Real World, like my coworkers all think i am just a lesbian lol. i'm not really confident enough to try to make small minded people understand what i mean when i say queer, either

its weird because i'm pretty desperate to meet people and make friends but even the in queer/punk/diy community (i'm in DC btw) its been really hard for me to connect with anyone at all. even though i know a lot of us struggle with mental health issues, i still find that i can't relate and just don't fit in despite common interests..

also Re: ending up with cis men - i have ONLY dated cis men in my life. i was raised in a very conservative household so i always thought i *had* to be straight. its pretty clear to me now that i forced a lot of those relationships in an attempt to be "normal" and also because i was suuuper lonely and entering a straight relationship was always an EASY fix to that problem. always made me extremely unhappy though which i think is also a contributor to my relationship issues

so TL;DR, i am wildly not successful when it comes to my relationship pursuits lol. i guess i'm just trying to fix myself before i start putting myself out there more actively anyways. sorry that i don't have any good advice but just want to let you know there are people like you out here!!

hope that things are going positively with the person you've been seeing too, if that has progressed!

julialouise
08-09-16, 04:46 PM
i didnt read all of the posts in this thread but i relate to this topic sooo much julialouise. really glad to see someone on the forum who is queer as in not just gay/lesbian/bi. i identify as queer/demisexual at the moment, although my inability to form relationships has made it really hard for me to know for sure who i'm interested in and in what ways. so i use the vaguest terms possible... which is also hard in The Real World, like my coworkers all think i am just a lesbian lol. i'm not really confident enough to try to make small minded people understand what i mean when i say queer, either

its weird because i'm pretty desperate to meet people and make friends but even the in queer/punk/diy community (i'm in DC btw) its been really hard for me to connect with anyone at all. even though i know a lot of us struggle with mental health issues, i still find that i can't relate and just don't fit in despite common interests..

also Re: ending up with cis men - i have ONLY dated cis men in my life. i was raised in a very conservative household so i always thought i *had* to be straight. its pretty clear to me now that i forced a lot of those relationships in an attempt to be "normal" and also because i was suuuper lonely and entering a straight relationship was always an EASY fix to that problem. always made me extremely unhappy though which i think is also a contributor to my relationship issues

so TL;DR, i am wildly not successful when it comes to my relationship pursuits lol. i guess i'm just trying to fix myself before i start putting myself out there more actively anyways. sorry that i don't have any good advice but just want to let you know there are people like you out here!!

hope that things are going positively with the person you've been seeing too, if that has progressed!

ahhhhhh hello!! first off it's v nice to meet you!! second, it's like i'm reading about myself when i read ur post, lol! not entirely, but i get u so much with the inability to form relationships (im like dying to date a girl but LOL as if i could initiate something like that when it's already hard enough to be a close friend with a girl). i mean i attach myself to guys more often but it's much easier to see me happily married to anybody but a man. unless i found someone particularly special, but i don't wanna like, miss out on an opportunity to date the girl of my dreams?? i dont even have a girl of my dreams bc they're all so great (sigh). lmao of course not ALL of them are great but u probably know what i mean maybe

i'm involved in the diy scene in my college town, though i wish i could venture into some in chicago. i invited a lot of my friends into the scene at school because it's so small, so i'm already more close with them than others, but idk. it's easy for me to form bonds with others who are like me, cognitively and emotionally, and yeah we pretty much are all a bunch of queer mentally ill kids lol.

but at the same time, i don't want to date just any girl because i could very easily find myself with a more timid type of person and probably hurt her in some sort of way (not physically!!). that's a thing i'd be really worried about ):

jiitters
08-10-16, 01:50 PM
ahhhhhh hello!! first off it's v nice to meet you!! second, it's like i'm reading about myself when i read ur post, lol! not entirely, but i get u so much with the inability to form relationships (im like dying to date a girl but LOL as if i could initiate something like that when it's already hard enough to be a close friend with a girl). i mean i attach myself to guys more often but it's much easier to see me happily married to anybody but a man. unless i found someone particularly special, but i don't wanna like, miss out on an opportunity to date the girl of my dreams?? i dont even have a girl of my dreams bc they're all so great (sigh). lmao of course not ALL of them are great but u probably know what i mean maybe

i'm involved in the diy scene in my college town, though i wish i could venture into some in chicago. i invited a lot of my friends into the scene at school because it's so small, so i'm already more close with them than others, but idk. it's easy for me to form bonds with others who are like me, cognitively and emotionally, and yeah we pretty much are all a bunch of queer mentally ill kids lol.

but at the same time, i don't want to date just any girl because i could very easily find myself with a more timid type of person and probably hurt her in some sort of way (not physically!!). that's a thing i'd be really worried about ):

i think we are both lucky to have found that community in our respective cities because i'm sure there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way but don't have anyone like them to validate or normalize those feelings. so that i am grateful for. and i'm glad that you can relate! my issue right now is that i am worried the first girl/nb person i GENUINELY pursue is going to lose interest once she realizes that i've only been involved with cis men. as if coming out later in life makes my identity false lol.

curious to know when you and others became more confident with your identity. i am a Highly sensitive person with a loooot of feelings and still not 100% sure about how to categorize feelings that i remember having when i was younger. like was my interest in certain people romantic, sexual, platonic? even now i can struggle with this because i am so ruled by my emotions and my perceptions and there are always overlaps so it can be confusing at times. this has gotten me into trouble because sometimes when men show interest in me (Sexually) im like oh hey cool i really want to be your friend! but they have a totally different agenda and i struggle with relationships so much that i comply just to make ANY connection happen. always fails me though

julialouise
08-10-16, 02:46 PM
i think we are both lucky to have found that community in our respective cities because i'm sure there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way but don't have anyone like them to validate or normalize those feelings. so that i am grateful for. and i'm glad that you can relate! my issue right now is that i am worried the first girl/nb person i GENUINELY pursue is going to lose interest once she realizes that i've only been involved with cis men. as if coming out later in life makes my identity false lol.

curious to know when you and others became more confident with your identity. i am a Highly sensitive person with a loooot of feelings and still not 100% sure about how to categorize feelings that i remember having when i was younger. like was my interest in certain people romantic, sexual, platonic? even now i can struggle with this because i am so ruled by my emotions and my perceptions and there are always overlaps so it can be confusing at times. this has gotten me into trouble because sometimes when men show interest in me (Sexually) im like oh hey cool i really want to be your friend! but they have a totally different agenda and i struggle with relationships so much that i comply just to make ANY connection happen. always fails me though

ugh honestly!!!! about the HSP thing and wanting to be friends with someone and them wanting something else. i usually hide from guys that show sexual interest in me. girls who have shown sexual interest in me have made me uncomfortable too. everyone in between as well. i still totally identify as asexual, or more specifically demisexual. and i have lots of friends that i would loooove to be able to kiss?? especially some of the girls/nb people that i'm friends with but also some of the guys too. i like the way that guys make me feel sometimes, but girls make me feel something entirely different and i wanna be able to explore that more but im too nervous. and when im with girls i feel i definitely take the more masculine role which makes me uncomfortable (even tho i'm NB but i still identify more closely with being a girl but not a Woman) because when i'm with guys i enjoy taking a more submissive role (like bdsm lifestyle stuff), even tho i'm still feisty as hell and will not tolerate any BS.

and as far as girls/nb people having an issue with you only being with cis men, that's a form of bi/panphobia and not cool!! and if you date someone who has an issue with your history, even if you're not bi or pan, they're not being cool!

Fortune
08-10-16, 05:01 PM
I remember this one conversation I got into shortly after I came out as lesbian, wherein other lesbian women were saying they'd never date a bi woman because of her sexual history with men (assumed), but they'd be fine with dating a lesbian who had a sexual history with men.

It was very disturbing to me as until I came out as lesbian I had id'd as bisexual, and it struck me as hugely hypocritical that by changing the word I use to describe myself I suddenly became an acceptable partner, with no change in my own history.

jiitters
08-10-16, 09:55 PM
I remember this one conversation I got into shortly after I came out as lesbian, wherein other lesbian women were saying they'd never date a bi woman because of her sexual history with men (assumed), but they'd be fine with dating a lesbian who had a sexual history with men.

It was very disturbing to me as until I came out as lesbian I had id'd as bisexual, and it struck me as hugely hypocritical that by changing the word I use to describe myself I suddenly became an acceptable partner, with no change in my own history.

wow yeah that is disturbing. i have experienced similar logic from people and this is part of why i feel unable to seek out a relationship with a woman. there are a lot of things like that which bother me about the lesbian community, and why i am more comfortable ID'ing as queer, even though it always requires an explanation - _ -