View Full Version : Boyfriend is Angry at every little thing. I can't help him anymore.


Twiggy
07-04-16, 05:04 PM
My boyfriend has anger/frustration issues. I can't help him anymore or else he gets mad at me.

For example:

We went to a park, but to him there were too many people.
There was only like 11 people max at this park...and that made him mad enough to just go home...and be fuming about it.

There's no way to talk him out of being angry at things that he can't control.
He has said that it feels like the world is against him.

He is very scary when he is angry. He pretty much has temper tantrums...and yes he is an adult.

He is against Psychologists and Psychiatrists. So I can't get help for him.

He does smoke Medical Marijuana to control his anger, but he says he hates it that he has to depend on it when he gets angry.

I don't know what to do.

-----

I have become very soft spoken (to the point of not talking about what is on my mind) because of his anger issues. I like talking, but he has told me to be quiet a lot of times...because it makes him angry.

It's like he wants me to be there for him, but he can't control his anger by himself...I can't help him either.

aeon
07-04-16, 05:12 PM
There's no way to talk him out of being angry at things that he can't control.

Know that you are one of those things, and it is only a matter of time before he is angry at you.

He may not like the idea of professional help by means of therapy, or otherwise, but he should know that choosing it could mean avoiding consequences that will cost him greatly, later.

The weed may be helping in the short-term, but it usually means a bigger bill is due in the long-term.


Well-Wishes,
Ian

Little Missy
07-04-16, 05:12 PM
I am so sorry you have to experience this. You know what you need to do. I really do wish the very best for you. I do.

aviyah
07-04-16, 05:16 PM
Does he direct his anger on you?

Fuzzy12
07-04-16, 05:17 PM
It's not a good situation to be in for you twiggy. If he refuses help how can this situation ever improve?

Twiggy
07-04-16, 05:20 PM
We have been together for 4.5 years.

I've saved him so many times from potentially being in jail due to his anger issues...by calming him down and talking with him.

But that doesn't work anymore.

Twiggy
07-04-16, 05:24 PM
Does he direct his anger on you?

Of course. Yelling.
My birthday was just him yelling at me because he couldn't sleep well.
And that was the saddest birthday I've ever had in my life.

He can be such a sweet guy, but his anger possesses him.

Twiggy
07-04-16, 05:29 PM
He can be a nice loving guy, but things outside of his control angers him.
He has a great sense of humor and makes me laugh when he is in a good mood.

Everybody has a bad habit or vice. Anger is his.

Fuzzy12
07-04-16, 05:31 PM
Honestly, he might he the sweetest guy ever but he doesn't sound like the safest guy to be around. I'm sorry twiggy. :grouphug:

aviyah
07-04-16, 05:42 PM
I agree. This situation sounds very unhealthy for you... both physically and mentally, especially when you have anxiety disorders.

midnightstar
07-04-16, 05:48 PM
I'm sorry twiggy :grouphug:

He needs to get professional help, has he ever physically hurt you in anger? If so you need to walk away :grouphug: For your own sake :grouphug:

I know you said he's against psychiatrists and psychologists but he does need professional help :grouphug:

Big :grouphug:s for you :grouphug:

Twiggy
07-04-16, 06:09 PM
Thank you everybody for the advice. I really appreciate it.

Little Missy
07-04-16, 06:27 PM
Thank you everybody for the advice. I really appreciate it.

You're worth it. :)

Unmanagable
07-04-16, 09:28 PM
He can be a nice loving guy, but things outside of his control angers him.
He has a great sense of humor and makes me laugh when he is in a good mood.

Everybody has a bad habit or vice. Anger is his.

Until he finds the genuine and very individual groove where he can lovingly learn and accept that EVERYTHING is outside of his control, except for self, he'll likely remain quite angry.

Unfortunately, this is a behavior pattern, or bad habit or vice, that can bring much heartache and harm to others in the process, namely you. Most especially since he's not willing to seek help.

Please take good care of you. I know first hand how hard it is to walk away, even after being repeatedly verbally abused and physically abused, and especially after having many years invested.

Feeling like there's always something more you can do to help, and if you just hang in there a bit longer, maybe you'll finally save him, which will finally make life as great as you know it can be.

But meanwhile, who's there for you while you're actively choosing to put self last to keep helping him (or anyone)? (I always thought I was "doing the right thing" trying to help and just sucking up my own suffering to stay strong for them)

You can't continually abandon self to save or help another. When we do that, both suffer even more and even longer, even though there may be moments of what feels like healthiness and hopes for an instant script flip.

Wishing you both some peace of mind and heart.

sarahsweets
07-05-16, 02:24 AM
He is dangerous and abusive. He is unwilling to get help. He is getting all of the "help" he needs from you- which means verbal abuse. He is a live wire. He is irrational. He ruined your birthday.
You have said that you are no longer you around him because you are worried about his reaction. You have to see that this is not ok.
If he does not get help, he will never change. As long as he has you, he doesnt need to change because you are willing to accept his behavior.
This is not a relationship that is healthy.

qanda
07-06-16, 04:41 AM
I have learned through my own personal journey that some problems must be addressed by the person having them, and not an outsider.

My daughter had severe anxiety which lead to a raging temper. I would could calm her down but might get kicked, things thrown at me, etc while she was having this anxiety attack.

Her therapist told me that my daughter had to practice and learn the tools to calm down on her own. I had to give her 5 min of help and then walk away - the hardest thing I ever did. But this was only after my daughter learned many tools to deal with her anxiety and practiced them, plus was on meds.

So your boyfriend is relying on you to help him through his angry times, but there will be a time when you are not there, so hopefully you can convince him to go to therapy so he can learn tools to help himself.

Lloyd_
07-28-16, 12:28 AM
My boyfriend has anger/frustration issues. I can't help him anymore or else he gets mad at me.

For example:

We went to a park, but to him there were too many people.
There was only like 11 people max at this park...and that made him mad enough to just go home...and be fuming about it.

There's no way to talk him out of being angry at things that he can't control.
He has said that it feels like the world is against him.

He is very scary when he is angry. He pretty much has temper tantrums...and yes he is an adult.

He is against Psychologists and Psychiatrists. So I can't get help for him.

He does smoke Medical Marijuana to control his anger, but he says he hates it that he has to depend on it when he gets angry.

I don't know what to do.

-----

I have become very soft spoken (to the point of not talking about what is on my mind) because of his anger issues. I like talking, but he has told me to be quiet a lot of times...because it makes him angry.

It's like he wants me to be there for him, but he can't control his anger by himself...I can't help him either.

I don't like being out in public neither but am I going to throw a hissy fit over it? Of course not!

Next time he throws a hissy fit and you're at his place, just tell him that you are going home for the day.

By trying to nurture him all you're doing is enabling his behavior. Just saying.

KarmanMonkey
07-28-16, 10:46 AM
It sounds like the current situation is not something you can live with, and has a number of significant alarm bells for the future.

One of the bigger concerns I have for the moment is that by living with that verbal aggression, you may begin to unconsciously treat it as something normal and acceptable. This is not okay. This is also what leads to people being in abusive relationships. By the time he hits you, you may be so desensitised to his aggression that you treat it as an aberration or worse, something that's your fault.

You have the right to feel safe, especially with your partner. He needs to know that while it's his decision to seek help for his anger or not, it's also your choice whether or not you're willing to live with that anger in your life.

Have you been clear with him that his behaviour is not okay? You've talked to him about getting professional help; does he recognise that:

a) If he follows his current trend, he will end up seriously hurting and/or traumatizing someone?
b) Even without getting worse, his anger could lead to him losing his job, friends, you, and even his freedom?

So he doesn't want to seek professional help. Fine. Doesn't work for everybody. That leaves a few options:

a) He has a concrete plan on how to address the anger, and is following through on that plan,
b) He seeks "unprofessional" help, like peer support groups, online forums, or otehr informal supports,
c) He throws his hands up in the air, decides he can't change things despite there being options, and decides to live with the consequences above.

Regardless of his plan, his intentions, or his promises, you have a right to live a life free of violence. His verbal aggression, even when not directed at you, is still violence you are exposed to.

From your posts it's apparent that you recognise that something needs to change. Hopefully you can get through to him that if he doesn't take concrete and measurable steps to address this growing problem, you will take steps to remove yourself from that environment.

On a side note, common problems for which anger can often be the first symptom:

Depression
Anxiety
Trauma
Chronic pain
Sleep disorders
Hormone imbalance

The list goes on, but you get the idea. Important to note, however, that regardless of the cause of his anger, it's his responsibility to be aware of the natural consequences of his actions and regardless of the cause, he still needs to take responsibility to avoid causing harm to others.

You've been with him 4.5 years; how long and how quickly has this anger issue been developing?

maysarieltiff
07-30-16, 03:09 AM
He can be a nice loving guy, but things outside of his control angers him.
He has a great sense of humor and makes me laugh when he is in a good mood.

Everybody has a bad habit or vice. Anger is his.

I am sorry you are dealing with this.

My boyfriend is very angry, but mostly it comes out when he drinks. He can't seem to express himself sober.

He is charismatic and people love him, even for his flaws, and even want to be like him. He makes me laugh as well, when he is not cutting me down unintentionally.

This does not sound healthy. If you are having to change yourself, (keep quiet, change your personality), then something is not right. You should be able to be yourself with the person you are with.

I am the last person to judge, as I know my relationship has many issues, but from the outside looking in, I would say that if he refuses to get help and is taking his anger out on you, that you deserve better. You do not deserve that treatment. Have faith in yourself and trust that you know what to do.

maysarieltiff
07-30-16, 03:11 AM
It sounds like the current situation is not something you can live with, and has a number of significant alarm bells for the future.

One of the bigger concerns I have for the moment is that by living with that verbal aggression, you may begin to unconsciously treat it as something normal and acceptable. This is not okay. This is also what leads to people being in abusive relationships. By the time he hits you, you may be so desensitised to his aggression that you treat it as an aberration or worse, something that's your fault.

You have the right to feel safe, especially with your partner. He needs to know that while it's his decision to seek help for his anger or not, it's also your choice whether or not you're willing to live with that anger in your life.

Have you been clear with him that his behaviour is not okay? You've talked to him about getting professional help; does he recognise that:

a) If he follows his current trend, he will end up seriously hurting and/or traumatizing someone?
b) Even without getting worse, his anger could lead to him losing his job, friends, you, and even his freedom?

So he doesn't want to seek professional help. Fine. Doesn't work for everybody. That leaves a few options:

a) He has a concrete plan on how to address the anger, and is following through on that plan,
b) He seeks "unprofessional" help, like peer support groups, online forums, or otehr informal supports,
c) He throws his hands up in the air, decides he can't change things despite there being options, and decides to live with the consequences above.

Regardless of his plan, his intentions, or his promises, you have a right to live a life free of violence. His verbal aggression, even when not directed at you, is still violence you are exposed to.

From your posts it's apparent that you recognise that something needs to change. Hopefully you can get through to him that if he doesn't take concrete and measurable steps to address this growing problem, you will take steps to remove yourself from that environment.

On a side note, common problems for which anger can often be the first symptom:

Depression
Anxiety
Trauma
Chronic pain
Sleep disorders
Hormone imbalance

The list goes on, but you get the idea. Important to note, however, that regardless of the cause of his anger, it's his responsibility to be aware of the natural consequences of his actions and regardless of the cause, he still needs to take responsibility to avoid causing harm to others.

You've been with him 4.5 years; how long and how quickly has this anger issue been developing?

I agree, anger is usually a symptom of something deeper. Many times, insecurity, depression, or unresolved trauma. It just becomes expressed in anger and/or rage. Thank you for pointing that out. :)

sarahsweets
07-30-16, 04:19 AM
I am sorry you are dealing with this.

My boyfriend is very angry, but mostly it comes out when he drinks. He can't seem to express himself sober.
Just wanted to ask, do you think he has a drinking problem?

He is charismatic and people love him, even for his flaws, and even want to be like him. He makes me laugh as well, when he is not cutting me down unintentionally.

I hope you realize that this is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

maysarieltiff
07-31-16, 12:14 AM
I can't really judge him, I am angry as well, I just deal with it in different ways, I suppose.

Yes, I know this is not healthy. :(

Thanks for the response, I didn't mean to take over the post I just wanted to share.

Twiggy I hope you see that this is not healthy, regardless. Yes, everyone has a bad habit, or vice,(or 27 of them) but people learn to get those habits and vice's under control so they do not hurt other people.

I know a friend who has a man who thinks that she is too vocal, is too loud, and attracts too much attention to herself. When I am with her, she can be herself. I had the chance to see her around her man and she was so quiet, she didn't speak up at all. You should be able to be yourself with the person you are with and love.