View Full Version : Worried that I'll never find someone


anonymouslyadd
07-05-16, 12:01 AM
Looking at my Facebook status is a constant reminder of what I don't have. I always thought I'd get married and have kids. When I see my friends have one, two or three children, I look at my life and wonder if my time will come.

Where are the confident women in this world? Where are the secure ones? Do we raise people like this anymore?

I need someone who is secure and confident so that they can be accepting of me and my quirks. I don't know if there is such a person like this out there for me. I was told to seek a safe person to be in a relationship with. Fine. Where are they? A cracker jack box?

Socaljaxs
07-05-16, 12:32 AM
:grouphug:you're,not alone.. I wonder this a lot myself except I'm female and terrified of putting myself out there to meet guys.. :grouphug:Looking at my Facebook status is a constant reminder of what I don't have. I always thought I'd get married and have kids. When I see my friends have one, two or three children, I look at my life and wonder if my time will come.

Where are the confident women in this world? Where are the secure ones? Do we raise people like this anymore?

I need someone who is secure and confident so that they can be accepting of me and my quirks. I don't know if there is such a person like this out there for me. I was told to seek a safe person to be in a relationship with. Fine. Where are they? A cracker jack box?

sarahsweets
07-05-16, 03:09 AM
Looking at my Facebook status is a constant reminder of what I don't have. I always thought I'd get married and have kids. When I see my friends have one, two or three children, I look at my life and wonder if my time will come.

Where are the confident women in this world? Where are the secure ones? Do we raise people like this anymore?

I need someone who is secure and confident so that they can be accepting of me and my quirks. I don't know if there is such a person like this out there for me. I was told to seek a safe person to be in a relationship with. Fine. Where are they? A cracker jack box?
I met my husband when I wasnt looking for him.

anonymouslyadd
07-05-16, 01:04 PM
I met my husband when I wasnt looking for him.
Everyone says that. I haven't been looking for a couple years due to me being busy with my career.

anonymouslyadd
07-05-16, 01:16 PM
:grouphug:you're,not alone.. I wonder this a lot myself except I'm female and terrified of putting myself out there to meet guys.. :grouphug:
Thanks socal. In the hunt for a life partner, regardless of gender, we share the same challenges because of having ADD.

:grouphug:

Corina86
07-05-16, 01:22 PM
I love it how "there are no good women" anymore and this is the only reason you can't find someone... Why not talk to your friends who are married to such wonderful ladies? Maybe they can help you figure out what you need to do to get a woman like that yourself.

anonymouslyadd
07-05-16, 01:25 PM
I love it how "there are no good women" anymore and this is the only reason you can't find someone... Why not talk to your friends who are married to such wonderful ladies? Maybe they can help you figure out what you need to do to get a woman like that yourself.
It's not about women. It's about people. Please don't make this about gender. I bring up gender because that's what I seek. That's why I kept it gender neutral in the latter part of my OP.

I need someone who is secure and confident so that they can be accepting of me and my quirks. I don't know if there is such a person like this out there for me. I was told to seek a safe person to be in a relationship with. Fine. Where are they? A cracker jack box?

Fuzzy12
07-05-16, 02:12 PM
Everyone says that. I haven't been looking for a couple years due to me being busy with my career.

I think, actually finding someone does require a bit of effort. I know if I was single and just continued with my current lifestyle I'd never find anyone because there would be neither the time nor the opportunity.

At the very least you need to put yourself out there, not necessarily making that your whole focus but you need to be in places where there are women to meet.

I think, hobby clubs and stuff might be gopd for that. Also these days a lot of people seem to.meet their partners online so I wouldn't rule out signing up to a dating site.

It might take a while and a few trials to find someone with whom you gel but I think without those trials it's impossible.

anonymouslyadd
07-05-16, 02:14 PM
I think, actually finding someone does require a bit of effort. I know if I was single and just continued with my current lifestyle I'd never find anyone because there would be neither the time nor the opportunity.

At the very least you need to put yourself out there, not necessarily making that your whole focus but you need to be in places where there are women to meet.

I think, hobby clubs and stuff might be gopd for that. Also these days a lot of people seem to.meet their partners online so I wouldn't rule out signing up to a dating site.

It might take a while and a few trials to find someone with whom you gel but I think without those trials it's impossible.
Maybe when people say that they mean you shouldn't be focused on it? I don't know. I get your point though.

Fuzzy12
07-05-16, 02:55 PM
Maybe when people say that they mean you shouldn't be focused on it? I don't know. I get your point though.

Yes that's probably true.

Another thing is the age factor I think. I don't want to sound horrible but I think when you are younger there are just much more more opportunities to naturally meet people (and maybe more single people? ?), at uni, even high school and in general your life might not be so consumed with work. Apart from that I guess a lot of people might have had also had a lot more energy to socialise when they were younger.

As you get older it might take more effort to create these opportunities. I also wonder if we don't get pickier or fussier with age. :scratch: I used to be a lot more adjusting when I was younger.

midnightstar
07-05-16, 04:14 PM
If you use dating site, be careful anon - I know from experience of my own there's a lot of creeps on dating sites.

Hermus
07-06-16, 03:46 AM
Looking at my Facebook status is a constant reminder of what I don't have. I always thought I'd get married and have kids. When I see my friends have one, two or three children, I look at my life and wonder if my time will come.

Where are the confident women in this world? Where are the secure ones? Do we raise people like this anymore?

I need someone who is secure and confident so that they can be accepting of me and my quirks. I don't know if there is such a person like this out there for me. I was told to seek a safe person to be in a relationship with. Fine. Where are they? A cracker jack box?

Thanks socal. In the hunt for a life partner, regardless of gender, we share the same challenges because of having ADD.

:grouphug:

You say you need someone secure and confident, but your post doesn't exactly sound like you have those qualities yourself very strongly tbh. That doesn't make it easy to find someone like that. I also don't think an ADD-partner necessarily needs to be very confident. I believe it is much more about open-mindedness and willingness to deal with your issues together. My girlfriend has a lot of confidence issues herself and some other things she has to deal with. The thing that until now makes it work out between us is that we are willing to deal with each other's flaws.

I think, actually finding someone does require a bit of effort. I know if I was single and just continued with my current lifestyle I'd never find anyone because there would be neither the time nor the opportunity.

At the very least you need to put yourself out there, not necessarily making that your whole focus but you need to be in places where there are women to meet.

I think, hobby clubs and stuff might be good for that. Also these days a lot of people seem to.meet their partners online so I wouldn't rule out signing up to a dating site.

It might take a while and a few trials to find someone with whom you gel but I think without those trials it's impossible.

Once again I wholeheartedly agree with Fuzz. :D

If you want to find someone it is necessary to get out there. Moreover, most people I hear about having met someone while not looking are women. The dating world is a world where gender roles very much apply and that gives women an advantage in certain respects. It is easy enough for them to get someone while not putting in too much active effort. However, as a man you are expected to take the initiative. That can make things a bit more difficult, but once you have passed a certain hurdle it can actually become quite fun.


Yes that's probably true.

Another thing is the age factor I think. I don't want to sound horrible but I think when you are younger there are just much more more opportunities to naturally meet people (and maybe more single people? ?), at uni, even high school and in general your life might not be so consumed with work. Apart from that I guess a lot of people might have had also had a lot more energy to socialise when they were younger.

As you get older it might take more effort to create these opportunities. I also wonder if we don't get pickier or fussier with age. :scratch: I used to be a lot more adjusting when I was younger.

People know what they want better at a certain age, but it isn't necessarily more difficult. The past half year I have been dating a lot and I never found it difficult to find someone. It also depends very much on what you are looking for. I tend to be attracted to somewhat younger. All girls I've dated recently were between 21 and 25. Enough single women in that range.

If you use dating site, be careful anon - I know from experience of my own there's a lot of creeps on dating sites.

In my experience it doesn't have to be risky to use dating sites. I can imagine that it is more risky for women than men. Just use the necessary precautions. Most importantly, always meet in a public place, especially when not looking for a casual hookup.

Oh and it is never a bad thing to look for some resources that can help you be more successful in dating. A lot of people suffer from the same problem you do and the internet is full of advice. However, take care not to take pick up artists too seriously. Some things they advice might work, but they are way to extreme.

sarahsweets
07-06-16, 05:05 AM
I shouldnt have been so matter of fact with my answer anon. Its easy for me to say this but the reality is what Ive been fortunate to have is pretty rare, and not a lot of people are as fortunate. I have to remember this.
I dont know what I would do if i hadnt married mr right. I cant imagine dating now, and i never was in to the bar scene. It just happened for me.
I think a dating site might be a good option, just know that you dont have to settle for the very first match. If anything feels 'off' just move one. You dont need any extended dating site drama. My son actually has gone out with a few girls this way.

Unmanagable
07-06-16, 09:38 AM
Most secure and confident women I know aren't out specifically looking for guys to take under their wings to take care of, they're handling their own stuff and going about their days with their own happenings to deal with.

Men who wish to be in their presence intimately have to somehow intrigue them and capture their attention to the point of them wanting to share energies and space with them.

What kind of things are you currently and actively doing to find your desired special someone?

I met the hubster on the yahoo chat thingy many, many years ago, long after I'd decided to stop looking for love.

He messaged me with an informal casual greeting, I was intrigued by his clever ID name, and a discussion took place. We had a huge love of music in common and that opened the doors to shared experiences in comfortable and public arenas. Fourteen years later, we're still discussing stuff, and still jammin'.

I think we sometimes allow ourselves to get way too fixated on specifics, and get stuck in remembering the strong feelings of what's currently lacking, and tend to overlook many other potential possibilities.

I think if I hadn't already decided I didn't really care about meeting someone at the time, I would have likely remained way too focused only on certain criteria that he may or may not have lived up to at the time, if that makes sense.

Trying to fit peeps into the specific boxes we wish they'd exist in to better benefit us typically backfires.

Hell, trying to fit myself into any boxes other peeps think I should exist in has never worked, so I can't realistically expect it to work on others, no matter how strongly I feel about it.

anonymouslyadd
07-06-16, 11:29 AM
I shouldnt have been so matter of fact with my answer anon. Its easy for me to say this but the reality is what Ive been fortunate to have is pretty rare, and not a lot of people are as fortunate. I have to remember this.
I dont know what I would do if i hadnt married mr right. I cant imagine dating now, and i never was in to the bar scene. It just happened for me.
I think a dating site might be a good option, just know that you dont have to settle for the very first match. If anything feels 'off' just move one. You dont need any extended dating site drama. My son actually has gone out with a few girls this way.
I wasn't upset! I think about your case often and wonder why I haven't had a similar experience. The same is true of people who knew what they wanted to do as a teenager. It just hasn't happened for me.

Thanks the reply and your friendship. :)

anonymouslyadd
07-06-16, 11:48 AM
You say you need someone secure and confident, but your post doesn't exactly sound like you have those qualities yourself very strongly tbh. That doesn't make it easy to find someone like that. I also don't think an ADD-partner necessarily needs to be very confident. I believe it is much more about open-mindedness and willingness to deal with your issues together. My girlfriend has a lot of confidence issues herself and some other things she has to deal with. The thing that until now makes it work out between us is that we are willing to deal with each other's flaws.

My therapist told me to seek a more secure person to be in a relationship with. I agreed. I think I need someone with those qualities, because I like to live a little differently than other people. In general, insecure people don't seem to like people who are different or do things differently.

Socaljaxs
07-06-16, 12:12 PM
My therapist told me to seek a more secure person to be in a relationship with. I agreed. I think I need someone with those qualities, because I like to live a little differently than other people. In general, insecure people don't seem to like people who are different or do things differently.

That's not,true,I'm insecure and accept people as people and prefer quirks and oddness

anonymouslyadd
07-06-16, 12:26 PM
I think a dating site might be a good option, just know that you dont have to settle for the very first match. If anything feels 'off' just move one. You dont need any extended dating site drama. My son actually has gone out with a few girls this way.
I don't know if I can do dating sites again. I'd hate for an employer to come upon my picture and profile. That would be a disaster. What do you think?

Corina86
07-06-16, 01:29 PM
I don't know if I can do dating sites again. I'd hate for an employer to come upon my picture and profile. That would be a disaster. What do you think?

It's pretty unlikely for an employer to find you. If you're using a nickname and a profile pic that is not on your facebook or another social media site, it's very very difficult for anybody to look you up. And if someone finds your profile by accident, keep in mind that they're probably in the same boat and their profile should contain as much "delicate" information as yours. Also, you don't have to write anything about yourself that you don't want others to know. If you have weird kinks, there are special sites for that, which have completely different privacy rules.

However, I have to warn you that different places attract different kind of folk and the Internet rarely attracts confident outgoing people. It's why I think you should try and talk to those who are in a relationship with the type of women you like or even try to talk to those women themselves, see what they do, where they hang out, because there's usually a pattern.

anonymouslyadd
07-06-16, 01:54 PM
It's why I think you should try and talk to those who are in a relationship with the type of women you like or even try to talk to those women themselves, see what they do, where they hang out, because there's usually a pattern.
Wow, that's a fantastic idea! I would feel weird about asking them those questions, but maybe I need to try it out.

stef
07-06-16, 01:59 PM
I wouldnt think a potential employer could see your profile on a dating site.
Unless they were registered on it, themselves
( potentially awkward interview:) )

Any relationship ive ever been in, happened when i wasnt looking for one.

anonymouslyadd
07-06-16, 02:26 PM
I wouldnt think a potential employer could see your profile on a dating site.
Unless they were registered on it, themselves
( potentially awkward interview:) )
Would I be disqualified from a job? It's just scary.

Corina86
07-06-16, 02:39 PM
Wow, that's a fantastic idea! I would feel weird about asking them those questions, but maybe I need to try it out.

Maybe you shouldn't phrase it exactly like that, but it's ok to ask people where they met their partner or to ask them what they do in their free time. To recommend to you places to go out and stuff to try.

stef
07-06-16, 02:55 PM
Would I be disqualified from a job? It's just scary.

really i doubt it, if you are on a respectable dating site.

Fuzzy12
07-06-16, 03:53 PM
Would I be disqualified from a job? It's just scary.

I'm pretty sure they aren't allowed to hold it against you. My colleagues talk quite freely at work about the online dating sites they are using.

anonymouslyadd
07-07-16, 12:50 AM
I'm pretty sure they aren't allowed to hold it against you. My colleagues talk quite freely at work about the online dating sites they are using.
It doesn't matter whether they are allowed to do something. People find a way to get what they want.

If you were a hiring manager, what would you think if you found one of your employees on a dating website? Wouldn't you be curious? I would.

sarahsweets
07-07-16, 05:14 AM
It doesn't matter whether they are allowed to do something. People find a way to get what they want.

If you were a hiring manager, what would you think if you found one of your employees on a dating website? Wouldn't you be curious? I would.

I would think they are going after what they want and making their needs known which is a good thing.

Fuzzy12
07-07-16, 05:39 AM
It doesn't matter whether they are allowed to do something. People find a way to get what they want.

If you were a hiring manager, what would you think if you found one of your employees on a dating website? Wouldn't you be curious? I would.

Yes and I might have a look at their profile but I genuinely don't see what's wrong about being on a dating site or why they would hold that against you unless you write in your dating profile something like 'I'm such a fun guy that i like setting printers on fire'.

anonymouslyadd
07-19-16, 05:34 PM
I've been talking to a few people on this dating site. I went on a date about a week ago. The hard part is knowing when to contact them and then let them contact me. None of this is easy.

Over the last few years, I've done a few things that have made me a better fit for someone else. I've been a member of Toastmasters for about five years, and that's made me more confident in myself. I've taken a break from dating, which has helped me mature and be more accepting of being alone.

I see what I want all around me, and it's hard to remain hopeful. It's hard not to feel sad. There's the couple walking with a young, yellow lab or the couple sharing a picture of their newborn on Facebook.

I hope to share my life with someone. I hope to give my heart to someone. I need to find out more ways to help me wait and be patient.

OldWolf
07-19-16, 10:53 PM
I wish I had never found someone. My whole being is entwined in her now and I don't know if I can save this relationship. I can't imagine having the will to draw my next breath without her.

TheFitFatty
07-19-16, 11:56 PM
I've been talking to a few people on this dating site. I went on a date about a week ago. The hard part is knowing when to contact them and then let them contact me. None of this is easy.

Over the last few years, I've done a few things that have made me a better fit for someone else. I've been a member of Toastmasters for about five years, and that's made me more confident in myself. I've taken a break from dating, which has helped me mature and be more accepting of being alone.

I see what I want all around me, and it's hard to remain hopeful. It's hard not to feel sad. There's the couple walking with a young, yellow lab or the couple sharing a picture of their newborn on Facebook.

I hope to share my life with someone. I hope to give my heart to someone. I need to find out more ways to help me wait and be patient.

It's tough being alone when everyone else is settling down. But I really do believe that you need to be comfortable and confident in yourself before you can meet someone with the same qualities.

I spent my 20's bouncing from one bad relationship to another, thinking that I NEEDED to be with someone, that I couldn't handle being alone with my racing thoughts and uncontrollable emotions.

It wasn't until I had a really bad spell and sat back and said "Enough is enough I'm done" that I learned to be happy alone.

Actually when I'm met the hubster I refused to give him my number (Long story, but I thought he was friends with the guy doing cocaine at the party, but he didn't even know the guy). He added me on FB and, even then, it took him 3 months to agree to a date because I wasn't interested. Honestly, the fact that I could take him or leave him, because I know I don't need someone to be happy, was what made it, and still makes it, a healthy relationship.

KarmanMonkey
07-21-16, 10:59 AM
I had dated for a while, with bad results, and decided I was done with that for a while, because I wanted to put more energy into improving my life. Then *BAM* I reconnect with the woman who would be my wife a couple years later.

Originally I had planned on placing conditions on how my life needed to be going before getting into a relationship:
1) Out of debt,
2) Employed full time, and
3) Living on my own

I'm so glad I talked myself out of sticking to those conditions! I realised that all I needed in my life was to be who I was, because I liked that person (though I still hate the ADD) and I had something to offer a relationship.

As far as how to meet your future spouse, that often takes breaking free from your routine a bit. If you're stuck in the same routine, you rarely meet new people. Signing up for a class, or becoming part of a social group (e.g. horticultural society, board game group, habitat for humanity) can help you meet new people in a setting that hopefully shows off your best qualities.

If you're sticking to your routine, your dating pool consists of blind dates, coworkers, or people who live in your building. None of these are ideal.

Oh, and I firmly agree with what the person above said; I'd far rather be happy and single than miserable and in a relationship. I feel that in my case being happy and married came from learning how to be happy on my own.

Lloyd_
07-28-16, 12:23 AM
I had dated for a while, with bad results, and decided I was done with that for a while, because I wanted to put more energy into improving my life. Then *BAM* I reconnect with the woman who would be my wife a couple years later.

Originally I had planned on placing conditions on how my life needed to be going before getting into a relationship:
1) Out of debt,
2) Employed full time, and
3) Living on my own

I'm so glad I talked myself out of sticking to those conditions! I realised that all I needed in my life was to be who I was, because I liked that person (though I still hate the ADD) and I had something to offer a relationship.

As far as how to meet your future spouse, that often takes breaking free from your routine a bit. If you're stuck in the same routine, you rarely meet new people. Signing up for a class, or becoming part of a social group (e.g. horticultural society, board game group, habitat for humanity) can help you meet new people in a setting that hopefully shows off your best qualities.

If you're sticking to your routine, your dating pool consists of blind dates, coworkers, or people who live in your building. None of these are ideal.

Oh, and I firmly agree with what the person above said; I'd far rather be happy and single than miserable and in a relationship. I feel that in my case being happy and married came from learning how to be happy on my own.


As KM mentioned, when you have your ducks in line the things you weren't 'trying' to look for magically appear before your very eyes.

I've been single now for 10+ years and yes it gets lonely but I swore I'll get my life together which I'm currently in the process of doing before I worry about relationships, etc.

Being alone teaches you many things about yourself and the world around you. It toughens you up IMHO.

anonymouslyadd
11-12-16, 12:13 AM
I've been on several dates and have talked to a few women. Nothing has materialized yet. Sometimes, it feels hopeless.

Unmanagable
11-12-16, 11:12 AM
I've been on several dates and have talked to a few women. Nothing has materialized yet. Sometimes, it feels hopeless.

I felt pretty hopeless about ever meeting a compatible mate, too.

So much so I had decided to kick the male species to the curb and never try again.

Little did I know, that's when the magic happened and the hubster made his presence known. Fourteen years later, we're still hanging out.

I know it's easier said than done, but try not to focus on the ones who didn't work out.

The energies we focus on are the energies we attract.

Rather, focus on doing more of YOU and what you love, immerse yourself in the spaces that you love, and who knows, someone may pick up on those energies being emitted and present themselves to you and start a spark of undying romance, or at least make a good friend in the process.

And maybe not, but at least you'll be enjoying yourself in the meantime vs. focusing more on things that aren't working.

I've learned the more I have specific expectations the more I tend to be disappointed, in any arena.

That doesn't mean to just settle for whatever, but to be open to sometimes allowing things to happen as they will, not only as you expect them to.

That was a really hard hurdle for me to get over. Hoping your hurdles become easier to cross as well.

FogNoggin
11-12-16, 12:09 PM
Looking at my Facebook status is a constant reminder of what I don't have. I always thought I'd get married and have kids. When I see my friends have one, two or three children, I look at my life and wonder if my time will come.

Where are the confident women in this world? Where are the secure ones? Do we raise people like this anymore?

I need someone who is secure and confident so that they can be accepting of me and my quirks. I don't know if there is such a person like this out there for me. I was told to seek a safe person to be in a relationship with. Fine. Where are they? A cracker jack box?
If you look lonely, women will avoid you, they see it as a broken man with nothing to offer them.

Confident, secure women, a lot of them are looking for confident-er and secure-er man, which is NOT you (my assumption).

Last year, I was in a 15 year relationship, but because of her medical issues, I also don't have kids.
I am almost 50 years old.
My prospects for women are much smaller than a similar guy to me without ADD, let alone a woman still capable of making buns in her oven.

(I will take cookies, chocolate chip)

Desperation is repulsive to women, they want confident and secure, moreso than they are themselves, they want a rock to build on.

ADDon1
11-13-16, 06:41 AM
You say you need someone secure and confident, but your post doesn't exactly sound like you have those qualities yourself very strongly tbh. That doesn't make it easy to find someone like that. I also don't think an ADD-partner necessarily needs to be very confident. I believe it is much more about open-mindedness and willingness to deal with your issues together. My girlfriend has a lot of confidence issues herself and some other things she has to deal with. The thing that until now makes it work out between us is that we are willing to deal with each other's flaws.


What about opposites? I know quite a few relationships that consist of people with a lot of opposite qualities/characteristics.

=> By the way, there are dating sites for people with disorders. My wife also has ADD (met her irl) and we're a good team together (with lots of challenges though :lol: and lots of love)

SB1985
11-13-16, 12:49 PM
I'm with you man, except my last experience taught me to look for the opposite of what you are looking for. The confident, secure alpha woman will lose patience with the forgetfulness and silly mistakes I make

anonymouslyadd
11-13-16, 06:44 PM
If you look lonely, women will avoid you, they see it as a broken man with nothing to offer them.

Confident, secure women, a lot of them are looking for confident-er and secure-er man, which is NOT you (my assumption).

Last year, I was in a 15 year relationship, but because of her medical issues, I also don't have kids.
I am almost 50 years old.
My prospects for women are much smaller than a similar guy to me without ADD, let alone a woman still capable of making buns in her oven.

(I will take cookies, chocolate chip)

Desperation is repulsive to women, they want confident and secure, moreso than they are themselves, they want a rock to build on.
I don't look desperate.

anonymouslyadd
11-13-16, 06:53 PM
Rather, focus on doing more of YOU and what you love, immerse yourself in the spaces that you love, and who knows, someone may pick up on those energies being emitted and present themselves to you and start a spark of undying romance, or at least make a good friend in the process.
I really am in this stage of my life. I'm focusing on my development and doing things that please me. I'm almost at the top of my game professionally.

Gone are the days of waiting around. Gone are the days of inactivity.

I appreciate the reminder though.

anonymouslyadd
12-29-16, 01:25 AM
I'm so ******* tired of being single. I can't stand it. I know there are things for me to learn from the single life, and I believe it's important to before comfortable alone. However, every night before I go to bed, I feel awful inside.

peripatetic
12-29-16, 01:38 AM
I'm so ******* tired of being single. I can't stand it. I know there are things for me to learn from the single life, and I believe it's important to before comfortable alone. However, every night before I go to bed, I feel awful inside.

i wish it didn't hurt so much. thinking of you and hope tomorrow is better than today. xx

Fraser_0762
12-29-16, 06:15 AM
I just mentioned this on another forum. Feeling like crap because you see everybody else in your life move forward while you feel like you're at a complete stand still. It's horrible. :(

sarahsweets
12-29-16, 07:46 AM
I'm so ******* tired of being single. I can't stand it. I know there are things for me to learn from the single life, and I believe it's important to before comfortable alone. However, every night before I go to bed, I feel awful inside.

I am so sorry for this. You're a good egg, and you deserve better.

anonymouslyadd
12-31-16, 09:20 PM
I know that there are greater tragedies happening in the world right now. I really know, but it doesn't make the burden of being single easier to bear.

Fraser_0762
12-31-16, 09:38 PM
I know that there are greater tragedies happening in the world right now. I really know, but it doesn't make the burden of being single easier to bear.

Agreed. If anything, you feel worse, because you feel guilty about feeling bad about your situation, knowing that there are people suffering ever more greatly.

But know that you're not alone in being alone.

dvdnvwls
12-31-16, 09:54 PM
I don't know if this has already been said, but I'm too impatient to read the whole thread.

Give up. You're trying too hard and it's not working. There is no magic solution. You remember the famous little definition of insanity.

Permanently giving up will bring you freedom from the constant pressure you've been putting on yourself. And that self-pressure is probably making you unattractive - it's not like anyone could pressure himself that much without letting it show.

You're a good guy. You're smart. But this is a situation where determined achievement (one of your usual top skills) is just not a good strategy.

I'm not saying it won't happen. I'm saying your current strategy is never going to work, and I'm suggesting that the strategy of giving up and letting fate run its course is a far better one.

aeon
12-31-16, 11:03 PM
I did what dvdnvwls suggested, and boom, there she was.


Cheers,
Ian

anonymouslyadd
01-01-17, 09:27 PM
I don't know if this has already been said, but I'm too impatient to read the whole thread.

Give up. You're trying too hard and it's not working. There is no magic solution. You remember the famous little definition of insanity.

Permanently giving up will bring you freedom from the constant pressure you've been putting on yourself. And that self-pressure is probably making you unattractive - it's not like anyone could pressure himself that much without letting it show.

You're a good guy. You're smart. But this is a situation where determined achievement (one of your usual top skills) is just not a good strategy.

I'm not saying it won't happen. I'm saying your current strategy is never going to work, and I'm suggesting that the strategy of giving up and letting fate run its course is a far better one.
I went for a long time not searching for a lady and nothing happened. Since the summer, I've dated three separate ladies and nothing. They either weren't what I was expecting or weren't interested in me.

If I give up, how will it happen?

anonymouslyadd
01-01-17, 09:38 PM
I did what dvdnvwls suggested, and boom, there she was.


Cheers,
Ian
That makes no sense to me. How did it happen?

aeon
01-01-17, 10:17 PM
That makes no sense to me. How did it happen?

After I got over the heartbreak of a long-term relationship (8 years) ending (and that took a while) I dated a couple of women, and went out for a coffee with a couple more.

Nothing wrong with that, but on some level it was work, in that it just didn't flow. Some might say age difference, or say class difference, and perhaps it was those things, and perhaps it was others.

But a part of me didn't want to try any more, not out of feeling down and out, but because I wanted it to flow.

So I stopped. I decided to just be the best me I could be, and be happy on my own, by myself.

Some time later I asked this gal to lunch, not with any intent other than just sharing lunch - because we were (online) friends, if that, and nothing more. OK, to be fair, I had admired her for a while, hence my interest in asking, but my expectations were being able to meet her in person and have lunch, and nothing more than that.

Well, it flowed.

And I came out of it all with the full monty. That thing I had imagined but never experienced. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but now I can die saying I know what love is...Eros, Agape, Storge, the real deal...she is lover, belovéd, and friend.

My experience was that when I stopped worrying, stopped caring one way or the other (but not losing hope), there she was, my sweetie, well and true.

And against all odds, she's sweet on me too, even the 2/3rds part of me that is full-on nutter. I mean, she even takes delight in that part.

I could go on, but I don't want to crash the server.


Best to You,
Ian

anonymouslyadd
01-01-17, 10:23 PM
After I got over the heartbreak of a long-term relationship (8 years) ending (and that took a while) I dated a couple of women, and went out for a coffee with a couple more.

Nothing wrong with that, but on some level it was work, in that it just didn't flow. Some might say age difference, or say class difference, and perhaps it was those things, and perhaps it was others.

But a part of me didn't want to try any more, not out of feeling down and out, but because I wanted it to flow.

So I stopped. I decided to just be the best me I could be, and be happy on my own, by myself.

Some time later I asked this gal to lunch, not with any intent other than just sharing lunch - because we were (online) friends, if that, and nothing more. OK, to be fair, I had admired her for a while, hence my interest in asking, but my expectations were being able to meet her in person and have lunch, and nothing more than that.

Well, it flowed.

And I came out of it all with the full monty. That thing I had imagined but never experienced. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but now I can die saying I know what love is...Eros, Agape, Storge, the real deal...she is lover, belovéd, and friend.

My experience was that when I stopped worrying, stopped caring one way or the other (but not losing hope), there she was, my sweetie, well and true.

And against all odds, she's sweet on me too, even the 2/3rds part of me that is full-on nutter. I mean, she even takes delight in that part.

I could go on, but I don't want to crash the server.


Best to You,
Ian
I understand the deal about not flowing, but don't you need to put yourself in situations to actually meet someone?

Feel free to crash the server.

peripatetic
01-01-17, 11:39 PM
hey anon...just wanted to post to say i'm thinking about you and wishing you well. xx

anonymouslyadd
01-01-17, 11:57 PM
hey anon...just wanted to post to say i'm thinking about you and wishing you well. xx
Thanks, Peri. You, Sarah, and others on here, who have found wonderful spouses, give me hope.

:grouphug:

dvdnvwls
01-02-17, 12:38 AM
I understand the deal about not flowing, but don't you need to put yourself in situations to actually meet someone?

Feel free to crash the server.
Putting yourself in situations suitable for meeting someone -> expectations and pressure -> failing again.

Going out to do things you like, just because you like those things -> a better more satisfying life.

aeon
01-02-17, 12:47 AM
I understand the deal about not flowing, but don't you need to put yourself in situations to actually meet someone?

Yes, so meet as many people as you can...men and women...enlarge your social network...and do it with no expectations one way or the other...just be your self, your beat self.

Feel free to crash the server.

;)


Cheers,
Ian

Unmanagable
01-02-17, 11:48 AM
I really am in this stage of my life. I'm focusing on my development and doing things that please me. I'm almost at the top of my game professionally.

Gone are the days of waiting around. Gone are the days of inactivity.

I appreciate the reminder though.

What kinds of things do you focus on that helps to please and develop you the most?

Are there social opportunities involved in those things?

Do you actively engage with others without expecting anything from them while doing these things you like?

Are you relaxed into these moments or do you remain on high alert while actively checking out each female's partnership potential inventory in your brain while also trying to socialize?

Does being at the top of your game professionally still allow you adequate time to nurture yourself personally and healthfully?

Do you feel adequately cared for by self more often than not?

Does your confidence level increase/decrease based on how well you care for self?

Just a few questions that have greatly influenced my abilities to more healthily communicate with, and weed out, the difficulties known as self in the past and present. Thought they may be helpful in your ongoing pursuit of self and answers. If not, my apologies for assuming they would.

It sounds like many in this thread are offering the same answer in that stopping your seeking outwardly will begin to open doors and create moments of finding that you'd never expect.

I've found that same advice to be very relevant, sound, and true in my limited life experience. The unconditional love of self definitely helps fuel the ability to love others. Looking forward to hearing what you eventually find as your solution(s).

anonymouslyadd
01-02-17, 10:36 PM
Putting yourself in situations suitable for meeting someone -> expectations and pressure -> failing again.

Going out to do things you like, just because you like those things -> a better more satisfying life.
That is true.

Little Missy
01-02-17, 10:47 PM
Here is a rare bone, I'm worried that I will never have the only man I ever wanted again that I had.

anonymouslyadd
01-02-17, 10:52 PM
What kinds of things do you focus on that helps to please and develop you the most?

Are there social opportunities involved in those things?

Do you actively engage with others without expecting anything from them while doing these things you like?

Are you relaxed into these moments or do you remain on high alert while actively checking out each female's partnership potential inventory in your brain while also trying to socialize?

Does being at the top of your game professionally still allow you adequate time to nurture yourself personally and healthfully?

Do you feel adequately cared for by self more often than not?

Does your confidence level increase/decrease based on how well you care for self?
These are really good questions to ask of myself. I'm not sure how to implement them into my life, though. Any thoughts?

I would say that Toastmasters has given me the most value in terms of self-growth. There are enormous opportunities to serve.

Regarding self-care, I've begun to focus on myself more than anything else. I'm learning to calm myself down before I do anything else. Taht's a big imporvement becaue I used to think that people didn't mind if I was stressed out. Therefore, it didn't matter. I didn't matter.
Just a few questions that have greatly influenced my abilities to more healthily communicate with, and weed out, the difficulties known as self in the past and present. Thought they may be helpful in your ongoing pursuit of self and answers. If not, my apologies for assuming they would.
I see value in understanding and developing myself, and I know there's room for me to grow in understanding.
It sounds like many in this thread are offering the same answer in that stopping your seeking outwardly will begin to open doors and create moments of finding that you'd never expect.
People earlier in the thread mentioned dating websites, too. I'm not trying to argue. I want to present the whole picture to you.
I've found that same advice to be very relevant, sound, and true in my limited life experience. The unconditional love of self definitely helps fuel the ability to love others. Looking forward to hearing what you eventually find as your solution(s).
I know of areas in myself that need nurturing and acceptance. I battle them every day.

sarahsweets
01-03-17, 06:42 AM
I did what dvdnvwls suggested, and boom, there she was.


Cheers,
Ian

I know Im an old lady and this happened 22 years ago, but it was when I wasnt looking that I met my husband. In fact I had another bf the first day I met him. I didnt date him right then, I met him in december and didnt date him until april but I knew the minute I met him that I was going to marry him. I had to break free of the current unhealthy BF first anyway and that took time.

Unmanagable
01-03-17, 10:25 AM
These are really good questions to ask of myself. I'm not sure how to implement them into my life, though. Any thoughts?

I would say that Toastmasters has given me the most value in terms of self-growth. There are enormous opportunities to serve.

Regarding self-care, I've begun to focus on myself more than anything else. I'm learning to calm myself down before I do anything else. Taht's a big imporvement becaue I used to think that people didn't mind if I was stressed out. Therefore, it didn't matter. I didn't matter.

I see value in understanding and developing myself, and I know there's room for me to grow in understanding.

People earlier in the thread mentioned dating websites, too. I'm not trying to argue. I want to present the whole picture to you.

I know of areas in myself that need nurturing and acceptance. I battle them every day.

I didn't mean to imply that you were arguing with anyone, I was simply stressing that the same thing I said is being said over and over, just by different folks and in a slightly different way, most especially regarding the "stop trying so hard" aspect of it all.

I'm not sure how you can implement things into your life so it will work for you, either, especially without being there or seeing how you operate on a moment to moment basis. Only you can come up with those specific answers once you've been presented with options of potentially helpful things to implement.

You mention seeing the value in further developing the knowledge of self, and then mention knowing of specific areas that need that nurturing and acceptance. That's the exact places I would begin my most intensive work, if I were you. Otherwise, all the other stuff will likely continue to get derailed by all the stuff left unattended. At least that's been my experience.

anonymouslyadd
01-14-17, 06:29 PM
I'm willing to give up trying. I'll take DVD's advice.

BellaVita
01-14-17, 10:10 PM
I'm willing to give up trying. I'll take DVD's advice.

May you feel peace. :grouphug: