View Full Version : Graduation day


Fuzzy12
07-06-16, 07:29 PM
I graduated today, 12 years ago. I was pregnant. Two days later I had an abortion. My second abortion. The graduation ceremony is my marker. I remember it so well. It wasn't a bad day. It was much better than it should have been.

I've got no words. I don't know why I'm posting. I don't even want to write. It's all hollow. I wish I could go back and undo what I did. I lost 10 years to the depression that followed but it's not enough. 10 years are nothing compared to a lifetime.

I was thinking earlier today that while I still know I'm guilty I don't feel it anymore. I'm not anymore going crazy with guilt and grieve and regret. It's disturbing. It's scary. I held on for so long to these things. I mustnt let go. They are all that's left of my babies. If I don't have that it will be as if they never lived at all.

I'm so tired of trying to put my life back together. Now that I'm slowly getting there I'm not sure it's worth it. Maybe I'm just too tired.

I should delete this. Let sleeping dogs lie. Move on. But someone has to think of them. Someone that's not me. I'm not good enough. How I wish I could go back. How I wish I could wake up 12 years ago and do it all differently. I'd have been a lousy caretaker but so what? It would have been better than the alternative. Better than reality.

Tetrahedra
07-06-16, 08:37 PM
I'm sorry. :(

Little Missy
07-06-16, 08:37 PM
The Time Machine does not work yet!!

I can only be the best that I am able to for today. I do hope you can do it also. :)

Unmanagable
07-06-16, 09:15 PM
My heart is with you and the littles that live on in our hearts. We did the best we could with what we had to work with at the time. ((((Hugs))))

aeon
07-07-16, 12:06 AM
You did the best you could back then, given your resources and the situation.

On that alone, feel free to forgive yourself, if you are in need of forgiveness.

I value that you shared, and posted. I see it as a sign of health and well-being,
even if the experience of your thoughts and feelings right now is hard-won.

I’m sad knowing you are hurting right now, Fuzzy. :grouphug:


Bless You,
Ian

stef
07-07-16, 03:38 AM
You did the best you could back then, given your resources and the situation.



THIS is invaluable advice. I've only seenthis recently (I think it was somewhere on the forums), and it helped me forgive myself for many errors I made, in the timing of things. I always acted because at the time, I simply had no other choice.

You did your best in the situation. Perhaps you would have acted differently, now, but you are not that person anymore because you have evolved and see things differently. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Fuzzy12
07-07-16, 04:26 AM
Thanks guys for the kind words.

I didn't do my best in that situation and there was a choice. I made the wrong choice.

I'm not looking for forgiveness. I've accepted that I'll never forgive myself. I don't even want to.

peripatetic
07-07-16, 06:41 AM
I'm not anymore going crazy with guilt and grieve and regret. It's disturbing. It's scary. I held on for so long to these things. I mustnt let go. They are all that's left of my babies. If I don't have that it will be as if they never lived at all.

Move on. But someone has to think of them. Someone that's not me. I'm not good enough. How I wish I could go back.


Hi fuzzy,

First off, my heart goes out to you. That sounds like a lot of grief. I hope you find peace and, when you do, I hope you believe you deserve it.

I'm writing because of a couple of things you said and how much they resonated with me.

It begins with a story of two friends. Very close ones. Ones who had more in common than anyone knew until much later and who found an amount of solace in being around each other so we knew there was something apart from each of us connected to something else. And being know for who and what you are.

We were the best thing in the world for each other and all of his memories and stories and videos and sftuff takes up space in my house and for many years weighed heavily on me.

This year was especially hard even though it's been five years. I wasn't expecting it, but one day I just realized that it was Thursday, April 14th. Five years ago April fourteen was a Thursday. And may eight was a Sunday and Mother's Day and then our birthdays followed in June.

For the longest time I either just kept moving so the grief couldn't get me or I consoled everyone else who came to me. I have them memories of him while protecting him. And in many ways I did so not just to give them something of him, but so he was known by them and so still lived on in they're memories. I also did it with what I could share because it gave people peace more often than not.

Generally speaking I don't think there is peace for me in this world and that concerns me greatly is I turn out to be unkillable as I've often feared. But it does give me some thing like peace to know he knew he didn't leave this world unseen or unloved. He was my dearest friend and we shared what ended up being hundreds of pages I typed and wrote and cut and pasted. And I used to see him and talk to him. As I said then, because it was a matter of time I just thought we had more because I refused to accept we didn't. But in my unsurprised shock even on that day I knew the problem was not that I was unprepared for him to die; I was completely unprepared to live without him.

I tried to be all of the things he was and wasn't and wanted to have been only. But then, I threw away all of my meds so I could hear him and in so doing became closer to the him he decided he chose because he couldn'tve chosen otherwise as that was the best option of the three. Well, analogously...we didn't have the exact same diagnosis. But some overlap.

For years I felt as you write, that if I don't remember him and share him, it's like he never lived at all. And live he did indeed do...though not without suffering, though not without ecstasy.

I really thought I was done grieving about a year ago. I had it all in perspective. Then Thursday April 14th came along and **** all over my healing. Bevause, see, I'm obsessed with numbers. Clinically, I mean. And they're how I gain control after having these graphically violent intrusive thoughts. The problem is that obsessiveness can twist quite quickly when unmedicated into delusions of a particular theme. So I spent all of may and most of June running. And watching all of our videos and him singing and on and on and on. And I spent just over two months reliving every day. Because every day was a day something happened that never happened again or never went away again, depending on the thing. And how he looked in the hospital and trying to figure out meds and sneaking iPhone into devotchka and how great that one Wednesday was and how awful the Sunday.

I've been torn in a way that sounds similar to what I quoted by you above. I've feared letting the pain go and finding he's gone with it. I've felt compelled to not let him have died alone and unknown. I've found my version of peace in knowing he knew I was on his side and wouldn't ever turn my back on him, no matter what.

One thing I realized those two ish months was that I thought there was nothing to "forgive" and nothing left unsaid. But there was one thing. He called emergency services on me once and when they arrived I barely talked myself out of an involuntary commission. And I was so furious because he made me stay but then he went. And I was like, irate at the time and then I later basically accused him of just not wanting to be alone. We did nothing but process all of the time, but I realised I never forgave him. Much less thanked him now that I have an E.

We were super angry with each other for at least part of a day, but then we were both right really. And that's what this five year anniversary gave me. Finally. It's not really peace but more like denounement. He was the spuriously one...entirely, because I am not. But it does seem like forgiving us both on behalf of us both was the only thing that kept the festering grieving in me. And if he was right, I think it must be given him newfound peace as well. It was this argument we had and forgot until he was gone years later.

I know your babies didn't make choices, but if Esh was right, maybe by forgiving yourself you'll unburden them. Nobody wants to be the cause of painin a loved one and maybe that's why you look for the denounement. Maybe if there's a them they feel guilty for putting you in that situation. Who knows. But it could give you something of peace by giving it to them. Even if nobody is really "guilty"...you can still forgive. And it could be enough.

I don't know. That's my story. I think he was gone before you joined, I'm not good with putting things into chronological order. I am good with self isolating and letting my world get awfully small though and I encourage you to either not get good at that or start getting bad at it. As much as I wanted to be alone doing weird **** in my house, I think if I hadn't run so hard for so long maybe it wouldn't've taken the jolt of the numbers and dates to reflect and find a new piece of ground to stand on.

Also, when I was with E where you are now, my head was doing me in *hard* so try to keep I mind the surging hormones and be kind to yourself if you can. Be sweet to your baby's mum. xx

sarahsweets
07-07-16, 07:35 AM
Fuzzy- I dont want to sound as if I believe in destiny, as if nothing we do could ever change it, but I do believe things happen for a reason. Change, at least for me comes with pain. Painful things help me grow, which if you dont understand, can sound morbid. All of the successes I have had in life (not by society's standards but my own), have been because the pain became great enough to give me clarity and propel me into moving forward.
It just wasnt the right time for you. For whatever reason the cosmos knew you would not be as available as a mother at that point in your life. If you hadn gone through with the pregnancy can you be sure you would have been the best mom you could be? What about the SO involved at the time? Was he ready to be a father? Could you have supported yourself?

Maybe you were not in the position mentally, physically and financially to have babies.
Now, you have the chance to provide all the things you didnt get as a child to your little one.

You know that you must listen to your child.
You know that you cant smother your child.
You know that your child will make his or her own choices and that you may not agree with them.
You are better equipped to deal with possible disorders or mental health issues.
You are aware of what was harmful to you as a child and know to avoid doing that.
You are financially stable now.
You have learned compassion and empathy.
Your experience will allow your child to relate to you.
You have a man who wants to be a father.
You have achieved some successes, so that you wont resent your new motherhood.
You wont feel as though a child will be a burden.
You have proper health care.
You want to have this baby.
You are ready to be two people- Mom AND Fuzzy the woman.

The most useless emotions in my book are guilt,shame,jealousy and regret.
They have never made anyone feel good, and the circumstances around them cant be changed.

Put down the bat; you've beaten yourself enough already.

aeon
07-07-16, 12:37 PM
peri,

the forums wouldn’t let me rep you again so soon, so I am posting this.

your post above was beautiful, the flow and cadence, so lyrical, and what
you said aside from the melody of it.

with no meds and being very sleep deprived I went to pieces and cried and cried, but it was so good, the reading was so soothing.

you offered the gift of your experience, and in so doing, the gift of yourself, and I think and feel that is precious indeed.


Blesséd Be,
Ian

Emy_93
07-07-16, 02:17 PM
Hi
My heart goes out to you my dear
I know how bad is killing tow babies
But I know how good is saving others ��
How can it be ? Let me tell you
If it is not easy to have kids and give them all you can , you can do regular visits to places that care with vulnerable kids , specially kids without parents
Add it to your list as a new hobby
You will really feel in peace �� you will feel how pleasant is joyful giving ��
It's not just a compensation , but caring with kids who are not of your relatives is more kind
You will feel good, I trust
The vulnerable kids will love you so much and they are waiting for you
Just try that
Just try

midnightstar
07-07-16, 04:21 PM
(((((Fuzzy))))) so sorry to read your post, you did the best you could with what you had like others here posted :grouphug:

Delphine
07-07-16, 07:57 PM
Hi Fuzzy,

I checked in tonight, completely at random, after ages.

I read your words and felt goosebumps at such an obvious poem. An amazing poem......

I graduated today, 12 years ago.
I was pregnant
Two days later I had an abortion.
My second abortion.
The graduation ceremony is my marker.
I remember it so well.

ETC....

Jeepers!!!!! Powerful words and feelings.

Going to hold off sharing further until I know I'm not intruding.

Just.... this is the stuff poetry is made of...




I graduated today, 12 years ago. I was pregnant. Two days later I had an abortion. My second abortion. The graduation ceremony is my marker. I remember it so well. It wasn't a bad day. It was much better than it should have been.

I've got no words. I don't know why I'm posting. I don't even want to write. It's all hollow. I wish I could go back and undo what I did. I lost 10 years to the depression that followed but it's not enough. 10 years are nothing compared to a lifetime.

I was thinking earlier today that while I still know I'm guilty I don't feel it anymore. I'm not anymore going crazy with guilt and grieve and regret. It's disturbing. It's scary. I held on for so long to these things. I mustnt let go. They are all that's left of my babies. If I don't have that it will be as if they never lived at all.

I'm so tired of trying to put my life back together. Now that I'm slowly getting there I'm not sure it's worth it. Maybe I'm just too tired.

I should delete this. Let sleeping dogs lie. Move on. But someone has to think of them. Someone that's not me. I'm not good enough. How I wish I could go back. How I wish I could wake up 12 years ago and do it all differently. I'd have been a lousy caretaker but so what? It would have been better than the alternative. Better than reality.

FromSunToSnow
07-08-16, 03:10 PM
I think I can say I understand the feelings you're having, because I've had them too. I've also had two abortions. I didn't know those abortions were negatively impacting my life, but they were, in major ways. There can be a lot of impacts we never expected. Took me a couple of decades to figure out what some of the negative impacts were for me. Anger and depression (which I later learned came from unresolved and deeply-buried grief). Abortion does change us, although it's hard to find people who'll publicly admit that. I was finally able to find healing and forgiveness, including being able to forgive myself. I can think of my children now in a positive way. Maybe it would be helpful for you to explore the ways abortion has impacted you and to do it with other people, so you can see you're not alone. That was incredibly life-changing for me. You wrote that you don't know why you posted. Maybe because it's time to deal with it. Sometimes the impact from abortion is like a wound that won't heal. We continue to slap bandaids on it, but it never heals. Deep wounds have to be cleaned out, so they can heal from the inside out. Is it fun? No. Is it easy. No. Is it worth it? YES! A thousand times YES! I'd be happy to share more, if you want me to. My very best wishes for peace and healing to you.

Tetrahedra
07-08-16, 11:25 PM
Thanks guys for the kind words.

I didn't do my best in that situation and there was a choice. I made the wrong choice.

I'm not looking for forgiveness. I've accepted that I'll never forgive myself. I don't even want to.

I hope one day you'll discover that self-forgiveness is an option for you. We all make bad choices, some worse than others. We aren't perfect, and we never will be. But that's why forgiveness exists to begin with. It doesn't mean that these things never happened or that you're not sorry for the decisions you've made. Forgiveness exists so that we can grow, seek peace, and be happy. I hope that you will find happiness.