View Full Version : Another Rant.


_Rift_
07-08-16, 12:20 PM
I guess I will start by apologizing because I have only really come here to rant so far and even that has been a great relief to something somewhere inside me. I say this because my first post embarrassed me and I felt bad not replying to any of the kind peoples comments so Thanks to all the mods, guest, and members for being chill because life never is. I plan on floating around more as there is more to be had here then a place to rant but this post might end up a rant so again, sorry.

In the past year and a half I have done a **** ton of soul searching to figure out why I am the way I am. I learned my the Dyscalculia/ADHD(C or IN, cant remember) affected me heavily and I may have beeen deppresed for a majority of my life and unaware but definitely had anxiety. I worked hard and even took the extra step of medication to make the process more stable and still am, I thought things would get easier and from time to time they seemed to be but lately everything has gone down the toilet.

Lately all the things that plague me have only gotten worse. my moods are deadly low, i have never felt anything like this for this long. I thought "man I feel like ****' before, now Its at a whole other level. I'm either confused or so confused that tears are borderline forced through my eyes. I've contemplated my life heavily and the internal dialogue only becomes more melancholic and disturbed. If you met me at this point you would think hey that guy is nice but needs to loosen up, my friends see me as getting better and only my sister knows I am getting worse.

Memory wise I am at a low, I am getting extreme thought blockage and always forget what I am saying mid convo or just loose a train of thought to nothing like everything was just vaporized and unless the dust coalesce's back into a usable state its gone. I have cried or been on the verge even when around freinds, recently I sat there for an hour pulling the ropes in so I did not go and break down in a friends washroom. I am more sad then ever and so confused I am bordering on the "**** it" line.

I have not self harmed(but still Process the thought 24/7) but that bonus goes to the wind because lately I have been done with life and how irrelevant it all is to me when I know it to be the opposite. The hardest thing for me is that sanity has stayed with me and up to this point I have had a relative ability to comprehend each fake feeling that runs through me.

Despite all this and what gets me the most is that it all feels fake. my thoughts, freinds, family, pretty much everything feels fake, and not in the way of hallucination or loosing touch with reality. What I mean is I don't know what parts of my personality are real anymore, and to explain further because that did not make sense. I mean I have lost touch with everything inside me, everything(emotion/Life). I dont know if I hate me or those around me, am I I were gay, straight, Bi, perhaps a fridge?, I couldn't tell you. I don't know my where my opinions were contrived from, was it is the sad, angry, deceitfull side? or funny side of me? I dont know. I dont even know If I have any personality because for so long I've faked every step, made almost every mistake with heavily thought out foreknowledge and an equally laid out escape route , its all been generally fake/lied/whatever...ETC to get me by.



Finishing this will be impossible it could go on for days. To end it ill say I do plan on contacting the appropriate hotline and looking for a doctor in this city. I feel Like its ending but I still hold sanity with a thread and know my life is most likely just beginning because I was only born 21 years ago and unless I kill myself its not ending anytime soon!

again for reading any of this overtly long rant by me, Thanks you everyone.

_Rift_
07-08-16, 02:54 PM
P.S I posted this because the last few days I have more fluctuations in my mood for no reason that has been apparent. Its been an all time low in all points of function and focus. thanks again.

P.S.S Don't mean to bumps this ahead of other post just forgot to even state why I'm posting another rant about similar topics and such.

Tetrahedra
07-08-16, 11:30 PM
I read this, and I hope that having the opportunity to rant has helped you. Please don't kill yourself. Thank you for seeking help and searching for a doctor.

_Rift_
07-09-16, 11:02 AM
I read this, and I hope that having the opportunity to rant has helped you. Please don't kill yourself. Thank you for seeking help and searching for a doctor.

It definitely helps to put my thoughts out there, I Suppose don't think as much when I do. These past few weeks have been the worst time and I'm glad while being away from a doctor(for now at least) I can turn here to "dump my feelings" where I know people will listen or at least someone will relate. Thanks a bunch. :)

PracticalGrit61
07-15-16, 12:24 AM
Rift,
There's a lot to be said, but the answer is simple. I don't know what your beliefs are, but what you're going through is spiritual warfare.

If you're interested, I have the name of a book that will answer a lot of questions. In the meantime, you know what needs to be done, and that's great! However, I encourage you to reach out to your sister if possible. You need someone who you trust to be brutally open and honest with, someone who is willing to just listen and offer words of wisdom if asked.

Your rants aren't rants. It's a mental, emotional, psychological and at times physical battle. You sound exhausted and drained because of the stress of it all.

Whatever happens, don't believe the lies that taking your life is an option or an answer. I've been there too. And it's not. I look forward to hearing from you. :)

KarmanMonkey
08-05-16, 12:02 PM
You've taken a good step by reaching out... For me, suicidal thoughts come from a few places:

1) Feeling alone. Fact is, there are many people who have been through similar struggles. When I was thinking about suicide it was partly because I felt like nobody "got" how I felt. Finding people who DO get it can make a big difference.

2) Feeling stuck. That I was in a situation with no solution. That I was in a mood that was never going to change. This is another good reason to connect with people. They can often help you find options you haven't considered, or at the very least, show you that you don't need to shoulder your burdens alone.

The absolute best thing for me when I was going through my darkest depression was when I let a friend in, and genuinely leaned on her (well, we leaned on each other; she was struggling too). It's tough to accept the idea that someone would WANT to help; WANT to be supportive. Usually the reality is that there are lots of people in our lives who genuinely care about us and just need us to let them know how they can help.

spamspambacon
08-05-16, 01:33 PM
I don't know what to add to KarmanMonkey's reply... they said it so well.


I just got out of the hospital for having depressed thoughts. I was not having them so severely that I was planning my own demise, but I just felt so low, just as KarmanMonkey described.

I felt no one understood what the bleep I was going thru and that it was never going to get better.

It got better for a little while I was on Wellbutrin, but I was taken off of that and now the depression has come back, full force. I have an appt on Tuesday to get my meds adjusted and I hope to God I can get back on Wellbutrin.

I don't have any physical friends (hahaha) I can lean on, but KarmanMonkey was right again there.

I use this place as a "pseudo friend"... it's not like having a single friend, so to speak, but each little helpful post adds up so that it's like having an online friend.

There was something I wanted to say, but I forgot what it is! Argh!!!!!! damned ADHD.....

Oh yeah.... DO stick around, because you might end up posting something that helps someone else... your post might be part of that "online friend" someone else so desperately needs at 3am....

But don't feel guilty if you don't post; feel free to give what you can and take what you need here.


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