View Full Version : Obsessive approach towards love and sex

07-10-16, 07:15 AM
I'm a 21 year old attractive female who never been in a relationship and my approach towards love and sex often makes me feel like a creep. I have many ADD, Asperger's traits and also suffer from panic disorder, GAD and OCD since I was little. I also have some bipolar tendencies, but I don't think that's the case and my approach towards this disorder is very careful, as it is mostly overdiagnosed.

So, I was raised in a highly dysfunctional family, also with some sexual paraphilias going on from one side. I wasn't directly sexually abused, at least not that I remember of such thing. I was also a very lonely, neglected child who was doing whatever I wanted and my bad social skills and family troubles led me to live a life on my own, mostly in the world of daydreams. I have a tendency to obsess about things, just like some others AS traits and my lack of social skills and discomfort among people often makes me wanna find just a one simple road of acting and being (for example, when I mimick people or "pick a personality" to imitate). One of such things I was always wanting to know all about was sex and intimacy and love. I was a child who matured very fastly due to severe hormonal disorders, struggled with high testosterone and anger just like boys do.
I was also living in one room with my parents for 15 years so as a small child I was often there when they were having sex or when there was some TV playing with films featuring sexual scenes or had an access to my mother's books where there also was sex. I kind of picked up on this subject. My father was also working in a huge night club for many years, so I was often hearing stories about the dancers etc etc and maybe then somehow found out "the importance" of looking good and being sexy (They also exposed me to other things very early, such as possibility of violence, crime, people being nasty and other topics. They had no filter of what is appropriate for a child. Like, for example, my father having a gun in the past while it was legal and playing with it often).
I got my period very early, maybe when I was 8 or 9 and I always wanted to know about everything, so that kind of woke up my interest and I begun getting knowledge about masturbation and for many years (not now anymore) it became my way of dealing with stress and anxiety that bullying and lack of social skills gave me. Especially that my parents and other family members were kind of absent or hopeless. I was doing it a lot at that time, especially that I was all alone after coming back from school.
I also had an Internet access so I would read erotica stories, play games and even talk with people on erotic chats (but I was clever and never shared pictures or my name or address).
I also didn't have in mind to actually try any sexual acts with someone, but I kept daydreaming about how great it will be when I'll turn around 16 or 17.
Later on, these fantasies were more about getting intimate with someone, having relationship, than sex per se.

I had a friend in primary school who would always start making up some erotic stories about one girl, we talked about sex a lot and generally - as I matured as the first girl among them - there were lot of questions and I felt kinda big and clever.

When I moved out to another country and was attending a school with girls only my thoughts with being bisexual or even lesbian started. My daydreaming fantasies kept going on, especially that I was more isolated than ever.
In the middle school, I was very fat and had hirsutism and terrible acne all over my body.
You wouldn't say that now, as I'm pretty underweight at the moment and generally attractive, but I fought a lot for it and it was such a despair. I hated myself and others picked me up for it too. Then my daydreaming fantasies turned into those of being attractive and desired.

For a few years, I had these circle of Internet friends, women in their 30 mostly and they were joking about sex and fantasizing about it a lot. I took all their words for granted and I think that's where the idea of my "high school self" came in. I didn't understand why they cut me off when I started doing stuff they were writing about so often. I scared them away.

In high school, my looks begun to change, I started loosing weight, cut my hair. I also had troubles with frustration due to higher standards and still struggled with social skills, so - while I was getting a lot of Xanax and Zoloft making me more furious and less inhibited - I developed an idea of myself as a butch lesbian who can do anything. I met people who were at that time in the middle of this huge gay bohema from the biggest cities, there were clubs etc. We were also partying a lot in our town. I thought that being seen as "crazy" and disinhibited will make people like me. And it kinda did, just that I was left with guilt and the sense of not being truth to myself. I had a romance with a girl from my class, did a lot of embarassing stuff, literally wanted to know everything and treated the whole sex idea as some school subject. I wanted to kiss everyone and try everything. But that wasn't true, and there was still this part of me lacking for something intimate and honest. I was very clingy, talked about my deeds with everyone and that memory makes me feel so creepy. I was so naive in all of this.

I seemed to fall in love with everyone who likes me a bit and was generally too much into people. I had a friend to whom I had to drive like 300 km and we still saw each other often, but I was always sad and grumpy because the only thing I was thinking about was "having him" physically, which I called love.

I also had a lot of things happening with a boy from my town, one of the guys in my friends group (also told him I love him) and we did a lot of crazy things during parties etc, partially because he is a bit like me in these matters. Just that I can now control myself more, and he still doesn't. I was also obsessing about him in the past, and kind of due to some point until this day. We did a lot of kissing, showering together, sleeping together. But when it came to something, I actually cut it off and was pretty nasty and laugh him off.

Yeah, I'm 21 and still didn't have "proper" sex.

Now, I don't think about it much when I'm socially isolated, but it seems a lot of trouble when I go back to my circle of friends (which are, despite the activities we participated in in the past, very intelligent, socially able, people who have their lives together, people who study the most difficult subjects and are very popular and adored). It's that I cannot really keep a friendship or maintain a stable relationship. I always have this need to just get it straight ahead to something "concrete" and it makes me ashamed, that I keep daydreaming so often about getting intimate with those people, like there is nothing in between. I already know which one of them doesn't want to be sexually or romantically involved with me, so I should give up these thoughts, as I did some time ago, but now I'm stressed and overwhelmed by my life situation and daydreaming and developing these damn delusions is just something I do.

What scares me the most is that I don't treat them like people, rather than an objects. I also have many friends that I don't have these desires about and I don't feel anything about them, because I have troubles gaining anything from relationships like that. I don't feel connected to people. Or maybe I just judge them by their level of attractiveness. When I'm calm and comfortable, I try to maintain a lot of boundaries and keep it all clean, but it haunts me from time to time. Mostly because I have this daydreaming tendency. I am so lonely and isolated inside, but at the same time I know that I have no enough skills to build a relationship. Because on a theoretical level, I understand how it works and it's just not me. Apart from obsessive tendencies, I don't have much to offer to another person at this particular moment of my life.

I also suffer from many OCD related sexual thoughts. The "usual" ones as well sexual intrusive thoughts about strangers.

Is this addiction? I feel like - with those sexual approach and this obsessive care for my attractiveness - I compensated for my lack of social skills.

07-11-16, 01:17 AM
Honestly, I think this is something you need to talk to a professional about. You've got a lot of issues, and certainly the effects of your childhood would play a part in this. Perhaps talk to your psych?

07-11-16, 09:50 AM
Hey :)

What do you mean by proper sex? Like standard male/female sex?

I'm just guessing here but you wouldn't class yourself as though you have been in love?

Do you have an emotional connection to your friends? Or do you feel disconnected from them?

How do you view love and romance? Are these factors in your past/future relationships?
Are you kind to the people you are attracted to? Is it a fun experience for everyone?
Hope you don't mind the 20 questions.

I just wanted to say I read your words and seem a lot of myself.
I second getting a professional opinion, but also be confident that everyone is different, we exsppress and have different desires sexually at different ages and stages. What you do now will most likely not be what you do when you find someone and have more of a typical relationship.
I loved very rough sex when I was 19/20 only from one person though, my next partner (current) and I have never had rough sex. I was preoccupied with sex as a kid/teenager, had similar circumstances as you, no direct abuse (but my sister did) exposed to adult content, I was masturbating a lot, I had sex late as I we socially awkward and shy. I slept around heavily after that enjoyed my body and other peoples! Then it all came to a screaming bog standard halt! Love came along and blew my mind, do I miss that freedom I had, when I explored everyone and everything? Yes hell yes. But I wouldn't change it. I love my partner, and I have been exploring tantric sex (he is a bit closed off in the mind department)
I think if you feel you are missing out on something or someon it is always going to be hard. I don't know if your past is what is the issue or if you just feeling like your in a bit of a stuck moment, not going forward or backward. Just being I a bit of a pause, a bit of reflection.

If you want to pm you can.

Hope you find what you are looking for!