View Full Version : ADHD grandson


Phillyr121
07-16-16, 10:19 PM
i need advice with my 14yrs grandson who lives with us.

namazu
07-16-16, 10:22 PM
[FYI: The chat section of the website doesn't work, so as a moderator, I've moved your post to the General Parenting section, where you'll get better replies.]

Hi, and welcome to ADDF!

What specific issues are you (and he) facing?

Also, are you his legal guardians, or is your child/his parent also living with you?

Phillyr121
07-16-16, 10:44 PM
my wife is the legal guardian. Yes he lives with us.

namazu
07-16-16, 11:05 PM
You mentioned this in another thread, but maybe people can respond here:
My grandson 14yrs, has the same symptoms. Gravitates to undesirables. No friends. Public schools wouldn't give the one on one time he needed. We found a private school that specializes in ADHD. He's doing better in school now. My frustration is we have to hold his hand and walk him through everything. It's like over the weekend comes Monday, he needs to be retrained. He remembers only what he wants to. Mostly whats fun to him. He babels on constantly. He doesn't listen. He lies. Can't be trusted. He looks in the mirror all day long. To many phobias to mention. Takes two showers daily. If clothes touch any part of his body, in his mind their dirty. Boom in the hamper. Help me to understand.

Glad he's doing better in school, but sorry the public school system wasn't helpful.

Is he getting any kind of medical treatment or therapy for the ADHD (and any other conditions he may have along with the ADHD)?

I'd highly recommend reading up on ADHD and/or looking for a series of videos by Russell Barkley that help explain ADHD as an executive function problem.
Video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCAGc-rkIfo)
This is a long video, but if you click on the video to go to YouTube and then look along the right-hand side or look up his name and "ADHD" you should be able to find parts of the lectures in shorter chunks. Here's related information from the same psychologist in printed form. (http://www.russellbarkley.org/factsheets/ADHD_EF_and_SR.pdf)

"Dizfriz' Corner" (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60130) (a series of threads started by an ADDF member who was also a psychologist) is an excellent resource, and it may have some useful ideas that you can apply.

A lot of things that look like willful disobedience or self-centeredness (like "remembering only what he wants to" and "babbling on constantly" and "not listening") may actually be symptoms of the problems ADHD causes with self-regulation, working memory, and impulse control.

ADHD represents a delay in development, so it's helpful to recognize immaturity in these areas as a reflection of his neurology and not a discipline problem. There aare many strategies that can help deal with these issues, but understanding where the issues come from with ADHD can help a lot in approaching them.

Some of the other stuff you mention, the phobias and frequent showering, sound like they might be more related to anxiety problems, so if he hasn't already discussed those with a doctor, it might be worthwhile to do so.

Dealing with teenagers is challenging (and you've had to do it twice, with your own children and now with your grandson), and dealing with ADHD is challenging. Dealing with them together is not for the faint of heart! Best wishes to all of you.

mildadhd
07-17-16, 12:35 AM
i need advice with my 14yrs grandson who lives with us.

How is your one on one relationship with your grandson?




m

mildadhd
07-17-16, 01:12 AM
I think it is great that you are attempting to learn more about your grandson and ADHD.

Here is an edited shortened version of a longer video.

Dr.Mate touches on some of the topics you mentioned in about your grandson.

Video is meant to help promote awareness and thread topic discussions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2teDJJy6Fc



m

Phillyr121
07-17-16, 08:56 PM
Our relationship is good.

Phillyr121
07-17-16, 09:34 PM
Lets see...14yrs He is very bright if he likes something. He's a good boy, No trouble outside of the house. He is seeing a therapist. He's on medication. Mornings and evenings are the toughest. ADHD, bipolar, anger issues, bad memory, Has to be helped to be on task, gets distracted easily, he's an authority on everything. He's excessive about everything. Everything he does on his own is overboard. He wants to have fun all the time, he hates to be asked to do chores. Chores are a problem, he does them under protest and completes the tasks half *****. Everything is a fight. Everything he does is in slow motion. Takes him an hour to finish his meals when home. No friends, repeats when speaking, thinks he's the best at everything , OCD, germophobic, afraid of insects (flying or crawling). Stares into mirrors, he wants to be perfect with his looks. He's unhappy with the way he looks (actually good looking). 2 showers daily, constantly washes his hands, hair has to be perfect. Clothes have to be coordinated. He wears clothes once then into the laundry hamper.
My problem is I'm trying to get him ready to exist without us. He's only smart for himself. I hate the weekends...Monday comes and he has to be retrained. He remembers whats only good for him. I show him how to do everything, but he forgets. So he says. He stresses us out.

namazu
07-17-16, 10:08 PM
My problem is I'm trying to get him ready to exist without us. He's only smart for himself. I hate the weekends...Monday comes and he has to be retrained. He remembers whats only good for him. I show him how to do everything, but he forgets. So he says. He stresses us out.
Sounds like there's a lot going on, but this may be a good place to start.

What are you trying to show him how to do -- laundry, driving, budgeting, other stuff?

Writing out step-by-step instructions, or having him write/type them, could help, if remembering the steps (in order) is a problem -- which it frequently is with ADHD.

If remembering to do certain chores on a schedule is a problem, there may be an app for his phone that could remind him, so you don't have to nag as much and he can take more responsibility.

In general, making reminders external (written out on paper/screen, graphical, alarms, etc.) can be very helpful, since internal working memory is so often affected by ADHD.

Another thing that can help is your (calm?) presence with him, working through the task with him. I understand that you're concerned that he needs to develop the ability to do these things on his own -- and that's what parents/grandparents should want, to see their kids become successful, independent individuals -- but it doesn't happen instantly, and for kids with ADHD, may take longer than for other kids. It's not wrong to expect that he should eventually take responsibility for doing these tasks on his own, but because of the way ADHD affects planning and organization and self-regulation, he may need some assistance with this beyond when other teens do.

Do you argue a lot about chores or other things (homework, curfews, other)? If there is a moment of calm, it may be very helpful for you to ask him what he thinks would help to make it easier for him to take care of [insert important thing here], or where he's getting stuck. He may have some insights that could help you help him.

Regarding his focus on appearance and cleanliness -- some of that's probably insecurity due to be being a teenager, and some of that (especially the germophobia and showing and not re-wearing clothes) may be related to his OCD and/or a related body image issue (like a fear that he's ugly even if he isn't, or fat even if he isn't). It's something that his therapist should be aware of and help to address.

Meanwhile, make sure you're taking care of yourself, too. Like you said, it's stressful! If you're burned out, he'll pick up on that. If there are support groups in your area, like CHADD, that might be helpful. You're not alone in struggling to raise a kid with challenges.

sarahsweets
07-18-16, 03:43 AM
ADHD kids require alot of tools and oversight IMO. My son who was diagnosed at age 3.5 is 20 now and with the exception of height he still needs a lot of guidance each day- even with things that 'seem' simple.

Phillyr121
10-18-16, 08:57 PM
I'm at my wits end. He has a nasty mouth, answers back. He has a comment about everything. He thinks he's a comic. He feels he's an authority about everything. Mornings and night times are the worst. Spends to long in the shower and bathroom. He does not follow instructions. He does what he wants to do. Not what he's supposed to do. He cares about nothing. Only what he wants. Punishments don't work. He's going to be 15yrs soon. He can't recognize when clothes are on backwards or inside out. My own children are quite bright. I just don't have the patients for him. I understand his state of mind. I'm frustrated. In his younger years he was very bright, but with age he's going down. He has to many fobias to mention. His school work is declining. He goes to a special school for ADHD children. He has no identity and assumes others identities from school. He gravitates to the trouble boys. What can I do to have the patience for him? My wife (his grandmother) always protects him. I want him to be prepared for the future.
Somebody help me please. Is anyone else going through this?

Caco3girl
10-19-16, 08:43 AM
I have a 14 year old son with ADHD, and yeah, they are a handful. How is the grandmother "protecting" him?

sarahsweets
10-19-16, 12:57 PM
I'm at my wits end. He has a nasty mouth, answers back. He has a comment about everything. He thinks he's a comic. He feels he's an authority about everything. Mornings and night times are the worst. Spends to long in the shower and bathroom. He does not follow instructions. He does what he wants to do. Not what he's supposed to do. He cares about nothing. Only what he wants. Punishments don't work.

Maybe its me, but it sounds like you are saying he does all of these things on purpose? As if there is premeditation involved? As if he sets out each day to make your life difficult? If he has adhd then all of the things you mentioned would be issues that he would have. Punishments are not effective for kids with adhd, and if any conequences are meted out, they need to be immediate.

He's going to be 15yrs soon. He can't recognize when clothes are on backwards or inside out. My own children are quite bright. I just don't have the patients for him. I understand his state of mind. I'm frustrated. In his younger years he was very bright, but with age he's going down.
An adhd kid will have issues with remembering and noticing details.

He has to many fobias to mention. His school work is declining. He goes to a special school for ADHD children. He has no identity and assumes others identities from school. He gravitates to the trouble boys. What can I do to have the patience for him? My wife (his grandmother) always protects him. I want him to be prepared for the future.
Somebody help me please. Is anyone else going through this?

Well he cant help his phobias- they are not something he wishes to have right? Im glad he goes to a special school for adhd kids-if didnt I would worry about him in the public school sector.
I can hear your frustration-but what help have you sought out to help you understand and raise an adhd kid in 2016?

Lunacie
10-19-16, 01:18 PM
Does your grandson have a treatment plan? Does he take meds? That can help him learn the skills that he needs to become self-reliant.

Do you have a good therapist or family therapy group? We've done both and they've been very, very helpful.



To me it sounds like there is more than just ADHD, although the symptoms of ADHD can be quite varied and overlap with some other disorders.

Your therapist or psychiatrist can help you figure out which things are related to which mental condition ... and which are just typical for someone his age.

OCD can be very difficult for the family to live with, but maybe it's better than a lot of teens who don't want to shower at all. Peeuuwwee.



Just to put some his behavior into perspective, I'm a 65 year old grandmother with ADHD and I can't follow instructions with more than 2 steps. It has to be written down so I can check them off as I go along. I often forget to return books to the library or pay my bills on time. I wish I could, but my brain isn't wired right or something.

We don't choose to forget, we can't remember. It may look like lying because we don't remember correctly, or we remember how we wished it had been.


Buy, or borrow from the library, a book called Love and Logic Parenting. It really helped me figure out which things are my responsibility as a co-parent and which are responsibilities the kiddo needs to develop. And how to help them practice those skills.

Little Missy
10-19-16, 03:47 PM
This is what I would do.

I'd protect him as much as his grandmother does. I would become a mentor to him. Take him under your wing and show him what is right and wrong. Kindly. Make him your patient and kind yet firm focus. Teach him and love him. A lot.

Phillyr121
10-21-16, 08:43 PM
I try to work with him. He's living with us since he's 7yrs old. Next month he turns 15yrs. It's very frustrating for me to see this boy go downhill from age 13yrs. To see more Neurosis take over his mind. OCD, ODD, ANXIETY DEPRESSION, lying etc. I try to teach him things but he just doesn't remember. He's very big on... I want to do what I want to do and Not what I'm supposed to do. His logic is what he feels. He has zero fortitude. It scares me for his future.

Little Missy
10-21-16, 08:56 PM
I don't blame you at all. I can only imagine what my parents went through with me. Things became SO much better when I was medicated.

It won't happen as fast as you'd like, but I still wholly stand by what I've written before. Perhaps you can throw in some super understanding of feelings to him in some way when it crops up. Dig it up if you have to a little. But not too much.

Remain steadfast with the things you and your wife find intolerable but also find ways to bend things a bit to his way. All of your aforementioned afflictions(?) - blank on a better word- are things that can get better to some degree and keeping a steady schedule is real important.

He must learn that there will always be consequences for actions.

Think and act to him as though he is your son. I believe that may be the best of all. Love him and show him as your son, your way as a gentleman.