View Full Version : What was your relationship with your father like during your childhood?


mrh235
07-20-16, 04:17 PM
I'm asking because it seems like many of us ADHDers have single parents and difficulties with our parents, especially fathers. I just realized I never talk about my dad to my doctor where as my mom covered up my ADHD and knew and manipulated me, and bribed instructors to give me good grades and cover my issues, he was never present. My parents are still married but in my case my father was never present as a kid, he'd spank me a lot as a kid for being a typical kid (hyper and annoying), and was only present to yell at me and my mom. He never played with me or spent time with me. Since I got my ADHD under control at age 20 and even since adulthood it's become very obvious that he has extreme ADHD and is very busy with his business, but he's gotten more involved in parenting since I became an adult. He's tried to get me to like him, but he mostly just crumbles and agrees with my mom's manipulation, and her deliberately making my life harder because she's always trying to prove that I'm incapable of taking care of myself and handle myself without her intervention. He also deliberately messes with me, doesn't listen to me at all when I talk to him, and usually whenever I talk to him about my life he will deliberately start an argument with me because he doesn't care. When I get him away from my mom he is slightly better though and genuinely understands my ADHD and gives me space when I need.

What was your relationship with your father like during childhood? My father was not present and abusive, and now he's just dysfunctional. I really wonder if the lack of a father in my life made my ADHD worse. Do you think having no real father figure can exacerbate ADHD at all, and has it in your case? My grandfather basically had to be my father but he died when I was like 12. My dad is also is an alcoholic to the point where he literally hid bottles of wine under his bed and whenever he had to deal with my mom's bs where she'd micromanage him just as much due to his ADHD, he'd just go out and drink.

Fuzzy12
07-20-16, 04:27 PM
I think having an abusive parent makes any situation or any disorder worse. You might be able to pick up.some compensatory skills in a good environment but that's unlikely to happen in an abusive environment.

My dad was a very good father though. Very caring and very kind (at least to me).

Little Missy
07-20-16, 04:30 PM
I had the best dad in the world. He always knew how to handle me no matter what. I feel very, very fortunate.

I've read everything you've written about your mom and unless you are either fully scholarshipped, and have a real good job and your own car and apartment or your own home, I would ease up on your folks. They may be doing the best that they can.

You definitely do not want to go to medical school wearing this type of badge. And I hope you hear how very, very kindly I am saying this.

acdc01
07-20-16, 04:44 PM
Emotionally distant. He doesn't seem to feel empathy for anyone. He didn't really do much of anything with us even though he lived in the same house. Would come home and go watch tv in his own room.

He always wanted a boy and he would say stuff to my sister like if you were a boy, I'd let you do this or get you this but since you're not - no. My mom screamed at him for this so he did eventually stop doing this.

I realize now he literally insults me every single time I see him but I never noticed it when I was young. They aren't terrible insults and they aren't really meant to insult me but to raise his own esteem. Like he'll tell me I don't put the dishes in the dishwasher right and then show me the "right" way, his way.

I realize now he might be a covert narcissist or perhaps he's a co-dependent or both. I don't know. I could be wrong. His sister is almost certainly a narcissist and he seems to desperately need her approval.

When it comes to damage, it was more my mom and dad's relationship that affected me as opposed to themselves as individuals. They would always scream at each other all the time (more my mom screaming but he would scream back on occassion too). It's possible I space out more because of it I think.

I suspect I was damaged by my dad as an individual too - but everything he did was so subtle and I didn't notice it when young - so I suspect the damage is there, I just don't realize it.

mrh235
07-20-16, 04:48 PM
I had the best dad in the world. He always knew how to handle me no matter what. I feel very, very fortunate.

I've read everything you've written about your mom and unless you are either fully scholarshipped, and have a real good job and your own car and apartment or your own home, I would ease up on your folks. They may be doing the best that they can.

You definitely do not want to go to medical school wearing this type of badge. And I hope you hear how very, very kindly I am saying this.

You're right about not carrying this baggage. Easing up on my dad is easier by every time I try and ease up on either but they act 10x worse. You've seen what I've written on my mom so easing up on her is impossible because every time I give her the benefit of the doubt she comes back 100x worse. Like she physically abused me when I found records of my early life showing ADHD

Little Missy
07-20-16, 04:53 PM
You're right about not carrying this baggage. Easing up on my dad is easier by every time I try and ease up on either but they act 10x worse. You've seen what I've written on my mom so easing up on her is impossible because every time I give her the benefit of the doubt she comes back 100x worse. Like she physically abused me when I found records of my early life showing ADHD

I think your mom may not have wanted to admit that her son had ADHD. Is that so bad? You're medicated now and doing very well. You're too old to be blaming them. Take the high road. Never talk about your parents to your psychiatrist. Politics, money, religion, current events maybe, get your script and go. Shrinks want to see improvements in their files, not back-stepping.

midnightstar
07-20-16, 05:04 PM
I don't have contact with my dad now, he was the most toxic person I know.

He'd never come to see me and my brother when he promised to and sometimes he'd turn up unexpected and expect us to be in when he turned up to the house (expecting us to be permanently indoors and never have a life of our own, even on a schoolday when we were at school) and every single positive thing that happened to either of us he'd turn it into a negative and make us feel bad about getting good things, even as adults.

stef
07-20-16, 05:06 PM
my dad was very good and kind
we clashed quite a bit in my teens/ early 20s as we had the same temperment, different ideas.
only in recent years have i realizedhow much he really must have struggled. just in daily life. my mom kept us in line. im sure he must have had adhd ( as well as my grandmother)

acdc01
07-20-16, 05:08 PM
I went back and read your older thread. Seems like there are some very contrasting viewpoints on your mom. I don't think we can tell what your mom or dad is truly like based on posts on a forum.

What matters is that you do what you need to do for yourself to be happy. I don't even need to know your parents to know two things. One is that to hold on to anger against them is not healthy for you. Whatever they did, it was either because they were mentally ill or because they didn't know better - so either way it's something not completely in their control so perhaps forgiveness can be possible. Not for them but for you.

The second thing is that if their presence in your life hurts you - you have to figure out how to make the hurting stop. They are most likely never going to change so the way to make it stop, might be having to distance yourself from them.

Sorry, a bit off-topic.

Pilgrim
07-20-16, 05:09 PM
My stories something like yours but I might begin with reiterating above. Try to go easy on your parents as they might be coping their best. That being said I get the way you feel.

Funnily enough I seem to oscillate between detesting mine to just accepting the whole deal and knowing I won't have to go through it again.

My father like yours was cold and distant. He's not a bad guy but has fallen into that habit of judgement also, got the ****s. Sometimes I have to mind myself what he looks like.

Maybe your feelings have a lot to do with stress, I know mine do?

aeon
07-20-16, 06:32 PM
I was too young to remember this, but when my father discovered the bad stuff my mother was doing to me, he grabbed me and ran.

So until their later reunion, when I was just under 5, it was just my father and I.

I don’t remember a lot, but I remember certain things, and one of them was the ritual and timing of getting ready in the morning so we would be on time for the cab that would take me to preschool and him to work. And it was a ritual.

Of course it was...because although never diagnosed, my father almost certainly had ADHD, combined type.

I mean, in later years, the rest of the family (mother, sister, me) had a nickname for him that he laughed about...Captain Oblivious.

My father was easy-going and encouraging. He would express irritation sometimes, but it never felt personal. My father yelled at me once in my life (don’t recall what for), and it was like a nuclear blast, where my flesh was blown away from my bones.

I used to be disappointed with my father in my teen years because he never protected me from my mother. I now realize he didn’t fail me, for he was just as much a captive under threat as I was.

---

One of my fondest memories of my father comes from when I was in my early 20s, and my father would have been in his early 40s.

I came home one day around lunchtime, surprised to find he was home.

“What are you doing home?” he asked. “I’m surprised to see you.”

“I got fired today, pop.” I replied. “But why are you home right now?”

“I got fired today, son.” he said, and we looked at each other and we both started laughing.

“What are we going to tell your mother?” he asked me, and I said “The truth.” like it was reflex.

There was a pause, and then my father said “Do you want to watch a ball game? Get yourself a beer and one for me.”

And he prepared two plates, each with sliced tomato, some cottage cheese, and potato chips. My father loved that combo with a beer in the warmer months.

And so we sat and watched our lovable losers, and we ate and then relaxed, and there was another beer and much talk of baseball.

In that moment, things were OK. In fact, in my memory the light is all golden, and it feels like it was perfect. Because it was.


I Love You Poppa,
Ian

mrh235
07-20-16, 06:38 PM
I think your mom may not have wanted to admit that her son had ADHD. Is that so bad? You're medicated now and doing very well. You're too old to be blaming them. Take the high road. Never talk about your parents to your psychiatrist. Politics, money, religion, current events maybe, get your script and go. Shrinks want to see improvements in their files, not back-stepping.


It's terrible that she physically attacked me to keep these records hidden when I'm an adult. That's what really crosses the line on top of her behavior. Regardless of my treatment now that is so wrong. It also is hard to give over the frustration of her knowing and not doing anything. It was such an identity crisis being diagnosed later in life and still confuses me sometimes because even though I've always had ADHD it's so hard to grow up not realizing my perception isn't normal, and things would have been less abrupt and less difficult if I was diagnosed and recognized sooner. She also tried to stop me from being treated when I was 20 because of how controlling she is.

It's the extremes my mom went to cover up my ADHD, like abusing me and covering up my issues by bribing instructors.

Little Missy
07-20-16, 06:53 PM
I love horses. And I loved them so much my dad used to take me downtown in Detroit to see the police horses when I was 4 years old. We'd buy a bag of carrots and apples and feed them through the cyclone fence where they were resting. We went every weekend and I never realized what a sacrifice it was for him since he worked in downtown Detroit sometimes 6 or 7 days a week. It was not even close to where we lived.

When I was a bit older he began to take me to a local stable where I began riding lessons every Saturday. This was a HUGE sacrifice and barely affordable but it was his idea to keep me happy. I loved it and became quite an equestrienne.

I remember being so hysterical about going to the dentist he found one that would give me nitrous and it was such a thoughtful thing to do for me. He always took me himself and I'd cry all the way there but I always came out relatively content over it.

Pilgrim
07-20-16, 09:26 PM
It's terrible that she physically attacked me to keep these records hidden when I'm an adult. That's what really crosses the line on top of her behavior. Regardless of my treatment now that is so wrong. It also is hard to give over the frustration of her knowing and not doing anything. It was such an identity crisis being diagnosed later in life and still confuses me sometimes because even though I've always had ADHD it's so hard to grow up not realizing my perception isn't normal, and things would have been less abrupt and less difficult if I was diagnosed and recognized sooner. She also tried to stop me from being treated when I was 20 because of how controlling she is.

It's the extremes my mom went to cover up my ADHD, like abusing me and covering up my issues by bribing instructors.

I think you touched on it here as to the way you feel about your mother, 'identity crisis'
I feel exactly the same way. One thing I have learnt that this is really stress related.
I remember, and even today, I can get this real anxiety when dealing with my mother. Ironically meds probably help me deal with my parents in a better manner.

Also, something my mother has done, not just once, really bugged me. This doesn't help our relationship.
I don't know about you but I've sort of got to have an amicable relationship with my parents. I do find periods where I will do anything to avoid them.

Fortune
07-20-16, 09:34 PM
My legal father is a diagnosed psychopath. He was abusive, arbitrary, punitive, manipulative, and more. I cut him out of my life and he is responsible for me having PTSD.

ladykrimson
07-20-16, 09:44 PM
I was raised by my grandmother, and we had a wonderful relationship (though she had a temper). I never knew my father.

Little Missy
07-20-16, 10:10 PM
My dad was a kind, generous, tender man. He loved his cats and brought home fresh shrimp on Friday to boil for them. His dogs and cats both slept in bed with him and my mum and they all slept in a double bed together! He made a little trailer for his lawn tractor and when he mowed the lawn the dogs sat in the trailer, tongues wrapped around their faces with glee.

If he saw a stray dog or cat he'd go out of his way to catch them and bring them home to be safe with us while he'd hunt down their owner. His meal of choice for a stray dog was, a big bowl of ripped up bread with a lot of sugar poured on top and then enough milk to soak up the bread. And they'd eat it all up with glee. I have no idea where he came up with that but he'd say, after being lost they need a good filling treat."

He was my champion when I wanted something to wear my mum wouldn't approve of and he'd take me to go buy it. He'd tell my mum, "Missy needs to have her own identity in her choice of clothing, not yours."

Until I was married, my dad picked out all of my cars for me. Cool cars. Mustangs, 68 and 69 Grande. 70 Thunderbird with suicide doors and a fake alligator landau top....an Impala, 68, Gran Torino Elite 75. He'd detail them impeccably and then come to where I worked and trade keys and I'd have a surprise in the parking lot when I went to leave. Powerful engines, loud and fun. I never had a car longer than 6 weeks or so because he kept finding bigger and better ones for me that he felt were safe. "You want plenty of steel around you", he'd say.

Anytime I ran into him somewhere he'd press a hundred dollar bill into my hand and whisper, "Don't tell you mother!"

Little Missy
07-20-16, 10:27 PM
He sent me a silver buckle set in a See's candy box. It was in the second layer that he'd eaten just enough of them to set it in for a surprise. It is beautiful. I had the belt made here at King's Saddlery where even the Queen came to visit.

He also gave me his prized leather chairs and I'm looking at them right now. They are still perfect, beautiful and very old. He also gave me his beloved slate top maple side table with a zillion little drawers and doors in it and he left all of his prized things in it. He even got a guy on the assembly line at Chevrolet to snag him one of those old leather door truck door pockets and he screwed it into the side of the table so you can sit in his chair with a pocket for your 'piece' handy yet hidden if you needed it.

mrh235
07-21-16, 12:52 AM
I think you touched on it here as to the way you feel about your mother, 'identity crisis'
I feel exactly the same way. One thing I have learnt that this is really stress related.
I remember, and even today, I can get this real anxiety when dealing with my mother. Ironically meds probably help me deal with my parents in a better manner.

Also, something my mother has done, not just once, really bugged me. This doesn't help our relationship.
I don't know about you but I've sort of got to have an amicable relationship with my parents. I do find periods where I will do anything to avoid them.

Same with me and meds with my parents. My mom does a lot of things that bug me like constantly trying to control me and trick me into believing absolutely BS so I'd be dependent on her, but I really try to have an amicable relationship with her and my dad. I try and work out any issue we have and discuss it immediately and she agrees then goes back to trying to micromanage me, guilt trip me, control, or ignore my boundaries a few seconds later it sucks. She treats me like I'm a 5 year old too who cant do anything on my own.

sarahsweets
07-21-16, 02:59 AM
Abusive. Neglectful. Susbtance abuse. Trauma. Dad was divorced.
However, there were good point too. His love of acting,and my own. Our taste in movies etc.
He dropped dead of a heart attack in the driveway of his house 16 years ago , as the results of many years of hidden substance abuse issues.

TheFitFatty
07-21-16, 03:40 AM
My Dad was and is my rock. I love him to bits. He's always supportive and always treated me like an adult and someone who could achieve anything they wanted. For me, the best thing (looking back) is that he never treated me like a "little girl" the way some Dad's do.

My Mom and I had a difficult relationship, in that she was severely abused growing up and while she never did more than spank me, she was emotionally abusive when she was angry (which she was a lot when I was young because she hated being a stay at home mom) and she had really bad body image stuff that she passed on to me (she didn't mean to). Our relationship has improved massively since I became a mother myself, because I see how difficult it must have been dealing with her own issues and trying to raise kids with no idea how to do it properly.

I see signs of ADHD in both my parents actually. They're like different sides of the ADHD coin, one hyperactive and impulsive (Mom), the other forgetful and daydreamy (Dad). They're still very much in love 40 years on and despite my issues with my mom, I wouldn't trade them for anyone.

I think the reason many of us seem to have problematic childhoods is that ADHD is very hereditary, so most likely we all had at least one parent who was struggling with it without help.

Fortune
07-21-16, 04:00 AM
I should add that my legal father is not my biological father.

My biological father has issues but they're more in line with my own.

Also, this doesn't mean I was adopted (I wasn't). It's complicated.

bryanrc51
07-21-16, 11:37 AM
My father never seemed to be present for anything of mine. He had somewhat of a drinking problem. He would have a few drinks every night sometimes getting drunk and depressed. We wasn't physically abusive but verbally he could be, everyone was fat or had some kind of flaw which he would always mention. I remember everything being my fault nothing ever my sisters fault, even when it was. Kinda made me develop a thick skin or maybe I just hid the pain under anger.

We have a relationship now and I never really cut ties with him but every so often I will get mad and talk to my mother and tell her he wants to keep this up and I will cut ties with him, he won't see my son anymore and he won't see me on his death bed. He is always worried that no one likes him, that everyone hates him but almost seems as he tries to make those things a reality. He had to have an artery in his neck recently unblocked due to crappy lifestyle. He has never driven a car, he would ride a bicycle 20 miles each way to work. All throughout the day he would eat pepper mints maybe 2-4 lbs per week and smoke cigars. So cigars caused a blockage, the mints made him pre-diabetic and his cholesterol and other values are all out of whack. So he has begun being healthier.

He is somewhat incontinent now so when I call my mom I will jokingly say "Mary change my diaper" she laughs not sure if she actually finds it funny. My relationship with my mother is better, although she has been going to a group for childhood issues for a while. It is kinda funny, she is co-dependent on a 12 step program. Need a 12 step program for a 12 step program.

For a while her program came before everything, this year (I am 36 btw) she had a meeting on my birthday so she wanted to celebrate it on a different day. Lately I am tired of compromising and settling so I told her no you can either celebrate it on the day or not at all. She apologized and cancelled the meeting but I was not really after that. All I wanted was just to not settle, it is on the day it is on and if you can't make it you can't make it. I am not rescheduling to a day it is not. So if there are prior engagements then there is always next year.

She did tell me my youngest sister did tell her that he is your son he should come before your activities which I guess gave her an epiphany and made her feel pretty crappy.

Pilgrim
07-21-16, 12:52 PM
When growing up there was probably a few memories I'd rather forget, but it's funny how resilient kids are. My parents had it pretty hard. Both came from working stock and they worked hard to achieve something.
I'm not going to divulge my age, some may know, I've just been struggling heaps with this lately.
I guess I wish my parents would come to me and make it all a bit better. I know the frustration lies within and I know I'll get through it. Our family is just so ADD.

KarmanMonkey
07-21-16, 01:24 PM
My dad I'd describe as well intentioned but misguided; When I finally had a mental health crisis, my mom and I "trained" him, and now he's one of the best supports I have.

Now if I could just get him to realise that when it comes to my son, my wife and I are the highest authority when it comes to decision making, and that when we ask him to do or not do something, it's not a suggestion he can simply ignore if he disagrees. :-/

bryanrc51
07-22-16, 11:25 AM
I was too young to remember this, but when my father discovered the bad stuff my mother was doing to me, he grabbed me and ran.

So until their later reunion, when I was just under 5, it was just my father and I.

I don’t remember a lot, but I remember certain things, and one of them was the ritual and timing of getting ready in the morning so we would be on time for the cab that would take me to preschool and him to work. And it was a ritual.

Of course it was...because although never diagnosed, my father almost certainly had ADHD, combined type.

I mean, in later years, the rest of the family (mother, sister, me) had a nickname for him that he laughed about...Captain Oblivious.

My father was easy-going and encouraging. He would express irritation sometimes, but it never felt personal. My father yelled at me once in my life (don’t recall what for), and it was like a nuclear blast, where my flesh was blown away from my bones.

I used to be disappointed with my father in my teen years because he never protected me from my mother. I now realize he didn’t fail me, for he was just as much a captive under threat as I was.

---

One of my fondest memories of my father comes from when I was in my early 20s, and my father would have been in his early 40s.

I came home one day around lunchtime, surprised to find he was home.

“What are you doing home?” he asked. “I’m surprised to see you.”

“I got fired today, pop.” I replied. “But why are you home right now?”

“I got fired today, son.” he said, and we looked at each other and we both started laughing.

“What are we going to tell your mother?” he asked me, and I said “The truth.” like it was reflex.

There was a pause, and then my father said “Do you want to watch a ball game? Get yourself a beer and one for me.”

And he prepared two plates, each with sliced tomato, some cottage cheese, and potato chips. My father loved that combo with a beer in the warmer months.

And so we sat and watched our lovable losers, and we ate and then relaxed, and there was another beer and much talk of baseball.

In that moment, things were OK. In fact, in my memory the light is all golden, and it feels like it was perfect. Because it was.


I Love You Poppa,
Ian

That is just beautiful.

Rick48
07-22-16, 11:35 AM
What was your relationship with your father like during childhood?

Horrible. The guy was a flaming, butane *******.

GoalieMel33
07-22-16, 01:28 PM
My parents (especially my father) have never been the kind of people to express their feelings. They act distant, and although it was hard dealing with the fact that they didn't encourage us or tell us that they were proud etc, I know that they love us and that we can count on them.


When I was younger, it was tougher to understand. I wondered why they wouldn't spend any time with us, why they weren't involved and why we couldn't be be like any other family.

But as I got older, I realized that they just had their own way of showing their love, that they were worried or that they cared (making sure we have eaten, checking on us when we got up later than usual, reminding things to not forget over and over again, asking millions of questions, calling repeatly when out and it's getting a little too late, getting us out of bad situations...)

When my mom opens up (which is rare), she told me that no matter how old we got, they would still love us and that when we were in pain it hurted them as much.


Growing up, my dad used to be very severe with my brothers. Maybe how he was raised himself as a kid and his military background had some part to do with it. They would always fight, pretty violently sometimes. When I was born (first girl), I think he settle down a bit.


He hardly raised a hand on me or my little sister. My father isn't perfect, but he always does his best for our family. He works hard to put food on the table, putting everyone before him selflessly. Modest, happy with little, never asks anything.

I'm grateful and I have a lot of respect for him. As for relationship, we got along while we were never really close, he doesn't talk much but he was often the one to give in (wants us to be happy). I just wished he would think focus on his needs more instead of sacrificing all the time.

Twiggy
07-22-16, 06:45 PM
My father was and still is a wonderful father.
I never had any problems with him.

Although my grandma on my fathers side was/is mentally unstable and was not a good caretaker when I was a toddler.
She was very manipulative and would discipline me for no reason.

Cyllya
07-23-16, 02:21 AM
I last saw my biological father when I was about two or three years old, and he died when I was ten. It seems like my mother tries to avoid talking badly about him, but she has let some fairly negative information slip, e.g. she left him because she was worried about my safety around him. The info I have about him suggests he had some kind of mental health issue, but that may or may not be where I got it. (My mom also has some traits of ADHD and Asperger's-style autism.)

Instead of my unsafe father, I had a terribly unsafe step-father. He was abusive, and besides the bad memories, he probably contributed to my terrible social anxiety. He probably had some positive effects on me too though, we got along well between the abusive parts, I probably spent more time with him than I spent with my mom, and it kind of weirds me out when my childhood friends talked about him like he didn't contribute to raising me at all. While he certainly did more harm than good, I actually believe he really did love me and tried his best to do what was good for me. He just had really nonsensical ideas about what was good for a child. :scratch: Strange, since he seemed intelligent otherwise. My mom finally dumped that guy when I was 19, so fortunately, I haven't had to see him for the last nine years. I recently found out he died, and while I definitely think the world is a better place without him, I was kind of baffled by the angry sort of happiness my mom and my friend expressed about it.

Ugh, now I feel all creeped out from thinking about him :(

Dachshund
07-23-16, 05:06 PM
Both my parents are terrible, but my dad has always had an extra layer of special terribleness.

He is extremely set in his thinking, with no empathy. On top of that, he fancies himself to be an intellectual, and that no one is smart enough to recognize his great thinking. He also has absolutely no tact or social skills, so he doesn't hesitate to blurt out his hurtful and incorrect thoughts. For example, at my wedding rehearsal, he told my husband that he liked my ex-boyfriend better. Also, sprinkle in religious fanaticism.

However, the most damaging aspect of this was my diagnosis of ADD. First, my dad was diagnosed with ADHD back in the days when most doctors still believed that all children grew out of it, and he was diagnosed at almost 40. Around puberty, my issues started to grow, so I was taken to a doctor to get checked out. The doctor told my dad, with me in the room, that I was likely severely ADD, based off of symptoms and family history. My dad, point blank, said, "Girls don't get ADD" and walked out. He always used his ADD as a way to be special, and get out of responsibility ("You can't expect me to help you with homework, I have ADHD!"). In my opinion, my diagnosis would have been a threat to that specialness that he developed.

From then on, I was dragged from psychiatrist to psychiatrist by my parents, searching for a diagnosis that would "blame" me for my issues, while absolving them of responsibility. It's little wonder that I did develop depression.

Then, because of the depression, I got (mis) diagnosed as bipolar. Apparently, on antidepressants, my ADHD symptoms shine clearly through, and can be interpreted as mild mania if you squint hard enough and have a psych that is way more familiar with bipolar than ADD. Then, in a wacky long story, I was finally re-diagnosed as ADD and medicated properly. It's hard not to feel anger at the years that were lost to me. I try and consider the fact that, like me, he has ADHD, and life is hard. His childhood was harsh and unforgiving. But I also know that ADD doesn't automatically make someone a jerk. If anything, it only explains why he blurted out everything.

I don't speak to my parents anymore. Nor does my brother.

sarahsweets
07-25-16, 02:27 PM
Something I wanted to share that was huge for me. Make peace (whatever that is for you) with the parent/parents that wronged you. I dont mean forgiveness or acceptance, if thats not something you can do, but some kind of peace within yourself. The last year of my father's life was the only time I felt close to him.
I worked for him at his office, and was pregnant with my second child. It was like he saw me as a grown up with my own personality and I decided we could be friends on the same plane...and I accepted what he was capable of, realized what would never be, and decided that the relationship was worth having. I had my daughter Feb 17, 2000. While in the hospital, I wrote my dad a letter for his birthday acknowledging what happened, what it used to be like and what it was like now, and how 'now' was what I wanted to work with.
I Mailed it March 7 2000. His birthday is March 9. He called his girlfriend around 2am March 9 to tell her about the letter he received from me. She told me he was overcome and so touched. She said it was like he was 100lbs lighter.
He died that morning of a massive heart attack at 7:03 am.
He died on his birthday at the age of 47. The letter somehow reached him in time and I had concrete proof that he read it.
Blessings come in many forms......

randomguy1235
07-26-16, 10:56 PM
I think your mom may not have wanted to admit that her son had ADHD. Is that so bad? You're medicated now and doing very well. You're too old to be blaming them. Take the high road. Never talk about your parents to your psychiatrist. Politics, money, religion, current events maybe, get your script and go. Shrinks want to see improvements in their files, not back-stepping.

This is absolute apologist nonsense. Don't blame PARENTS for not taking care of their children and don't hold them accountable for ABUSE? Part of the healing process is to have one's experiences validated, and discussing his awful parents is essential. Do you not realize the irreparable damage that has been done to his life because of his abusive mother's actions?

Pilgrim
07-27-16, 02:21 AM
This is absolute apologist nonsense. Don't blame PARENTS for not taking care of their children and don't hold them accountable for ABUSE? Part of the healing process is to have one's experiences validated, and discussing his awful parents is essential. Do you not realize the irreparable damage that has been done to his life because of his abusive mother's actions?

I actually agree with what your saying. Ultimately, this is the way you get over it.

Best thing I ever did was get away from my parents, much as I could.

I will also add they probably did their best.

PolaBear
07-27-16, 07:01 PM
Just caught up with reading this, as some of you might know I wrote a thread on my mum (which was difficult to write) and after seeing some of this can relate to parts. My dad is someone I see big traits of ADHD with, and even more so as I learn more about myself. Unlike my mum he is passive and avoidant, which hasn't been great in situations where my mum has been animated. He knows that he had/has no choice but to take her side as she can be aggressive which is the other end to him. Another thing iv noticed is how much media he takes in which then impacts his views on things.

mrh235
07-28-16, 02:41 AM
This is absolute apologist nonsense. Don't blame PARENTS for not taking care of their children and don't hold them accountable for ABUSE? Part of the healing process is to have one's experiences validated, and discussing his awful parents is essential. Do you not realize the irreparable damage that has been done to his life because of his abusive mother's actions?

Exactly, I've been trying to make amends with my parents, but the hurt they did especially the physical abuse is ridiculously hurtful to me. Honestly even when they're nice to me nowadays it's so hard to tell what's the real them, and it just confuses the **** out of me because most days are so terrible, but when they are good parents, even if it's a facade, they can be really great, and I want it to be real, but then they come back and do this **** again. I feel like a puppy that is always wagging it's tail and smiling to someone or trying and then getting punched for no reason. Eventually the dog just gets so ******* confused it doesn't know what to expect.

Before medical school, I made it my ABSOLUTE priority to make amends with my parents, I faced and recognized, and accepted the years of hurt, but realized they don't define me because I found my own. I went to bat for their health for countless hours and got in the face of and I seriously chewed out HORRIBLE doctors in an effort to iron it out, and I even talk about the past and attempt to reach a mutual understanding so we can move on and just have a good relationship together, and enjoy the time on this earth we got together, and get them to agree and listen to and understand my perspective. I'm also very direct so I don't take this bs they pull on me because I immediately call them out. Then they go back to verbally abusing me, trying to manipulate me, treating me like absolute ****, trying to micromanage me and control every aspect of my life when I got where I was through my own actions/cutting them off, and worst of all my mom physically abusing me for NO REASON and going absolutely crazy because I found records showing I had ADHD. I LOVE the hell out of my parents and want to have things work out, they know how much I love them, and I'd love to just have a normal family for one moment instead of being treated like ****. Even when I kept a distance throughout college when I overcame my ADHD and didn't talk to them, the second I came back this **** started again.

I simply cannot get over it when it keeps happening, I cannot rationalize, or accept being abused and actively undermined regardless of the intentions and will ultimately have to cut them out of my life to truly move on. It's sad but the reality is the constant turmoil and feelings of betrayal never end. Maybe their niceness is their trying and they always try their butt off and I love and appreciate them for that, but that doesn't mean I'm putting up with the rest of the BS ever.

sarahsweets
07-28-16, 04:57 AM
This is absolute apologist nonsense. Don't blame PARENTS for not taking care of their children and don't hold them accountable for ABUSE? Part of the healing process is to have one's experiences validated, and discussing his awful parents is essential. Do you not realize the irreparable damage that has been done to his life because of his abusive mother's actions?

I cant speak for Little Missy but I thought she was trying to encourage you to heal and move forward.

sarahsweets
07-28-16, 05:04 AM
Exactly, I've been trying to make amends with my parents, but the hurt they did especially the physical abuse is ridiculously hurtful to me. Honestly even when they're nice to me nowadays it's so hard to tell what's the real them, and it just confuses the **** out of me because most days are so terrible, but when they are good parents, even if it's a facade, they can be really great, and I want it to be real, but then they come back and do this **** again. I feel like a puppy that is always wagging it's tail and smiling to someone or trying and then getting punched for no reason. Eventually the dog just gets so ******* confused it doesn't know what to expect.
I dont think you are required to make amends with your family, especially in cases of abuse. But you cant hold onto the anger over it because its poison. I thinking acceptance in this situation is HUGE. Acceptance does not mean approval.



I simply cannot get over it when it keeps happening, I cannot rationalize, or accept being abused and actively undermined regardless of the intentions and will ultimately have to cut them out of my life to truly move on. It's sad but the reality is the constant turmoil and feelings of betrayal never end. Maybe their niceness is their trying and they always try their butt off and I love and appreciate them for that, but that doesn't mean I'm putting up with the rest of the BS ever.
We teach people how we want to be treated. (not as kids cause then we have no control) When we accept poor treatment, it lets the other persons know that its ok with us. When we take actions to avoid, eliminate or minimize that treatment it lets the other persons know we arent ok with this treatment, and we will take steps to change that dynamic.

Of course abuse both past and present is never the victim's fault but we can only control and change ourselves. No amount of pain, hurt or wanting will change how other people act.
When the pain gets great enough, we are moved to make that pain go away through change.

mrh235
07-28-16, 05:28 AM
I dont think you are required to make amends with your family, especially in cases of abuse. But you cant hold onto the anger over it because its poison. I thinking acceptance in this situation is HUGE. Acceptance does not mean approval.



We teach people how we want to be treated. (not as kids cause then we have no control) When we accept poor treatment, it lets the other persons know that its ok with us. When we take actions to avoid, eliminate or minimize that treatment it lets the other persons know we arent ok with this treatment, and we will take steps to change that dynamic.

Of course abuse both past and present is never the victim's fault but we can only control and change ourselves. No amount of pain, hurt or wanting will change how other people act.
When the pain gets great enough, we are moved to make that pain go away through change.

I wanted to make amends with my parents because they're elderly now and most likely won't be around much longer, I wanted to make amends before med school and have at least what seemed like a good relationship because this is probably one of the last times I'm going to see them. That's why I wanted to make amends.

peripatetic
07-28-16, 05:29 AM
i'm a fortunate one in this area.

my father was and is my hero and main advocate. he fought for me against teachers and headmasters and other parents. he's a lively, lanky, sardonic wit, drinking one in the pub kind of guy. he took care of my mum when she was ill...stayed with her until she lost her mental illness battle when i was sixteen.

my father taught me to love running and sport and to stand up for myself. he always believed me and believed in me.

he's definitely the one i got adhd from, though he's lived his life unmedicated he does have a "hyperactivity" diagnosis from ages past...which wasn't dealt with pleasantly in 50s 60s belfast schools.

he's the guy who's "all purpose"... sharp, curious, and can build anything, but cleans up well, can play a proper host, loves animals, and treats people with respect. he's good at both telling stories and hearing others.

he is also a kind hearted man, but he is always sincere. if he were writing this, he'd use few qualifiers and it'd be half as long...he's a get-to-the-point/no-flowery-nonsense kind of person when communicating a point or giving instruction (parenting). he's the sort that loves a good time and some ribbing, but would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it to stay warm.

there is no part of my father's personality/character that i would jettison and i not only love and respect him as my father, but he's a cool person. i certainly try to follow his example and hope to manifest such a respectable character by the time i'm his age.

Fortune
07-28-16, 04:14 PM
Hmm, I disagree that holding onto anger is poison. I mean that certainly sounds like a plausible idea, but the reality is that everyone has their own way to respond to being abused. Anger is a valid response, not something that necessarily has to be discarded.

mrh235
07-29-16, 12:29 AM
Hmm, I disagree that holding onto anger is poison. I mean that certainly sounds like a plausible idea, but the reality is that everyone has their own way to respond to being abused. Anger is a valid response, not something that necessarily has to be discarded.


Agreed. Anger also serves as a strong reminder and reinforcer to not slip into the same bad habits of enabling abuse/dysfunctional behavior from others, if you do it right too. That's how i use it, and anger helps me focus.

peripatetic
07-29-16, 12:57 AM
Never talk about your parents to your psychiatrist. Politics, money, religion, current events maybe, get your script and go. Shrinks want to see improvements in their files, not back-stepping.
(emphasis mine)

the part above is heartbreaking for me to read that people actually have psychiatrists with that attitude. it's great if you fit that mold of the improvement arc. but, a lot of people with mental illness simply f'ing don't. if that ... i'd be screwed if mental health professionals i've dealt with, on average, had that as their fundamental perspective on so many illnesses over the course of a lifetime. a lot don't improve. some just get super bad repeatedly for years and if you make it through, then the symptoms are said to start to weaken in intensity and duration. and damage. because that's what that is.


anyway, i read someone else who quoted your post, but i didn't see anyone point out that that is a really poor overall understanding of treatment modalities in mental health. if your psychiatrist comes from that attitude, i can see being really cynical and saying "shrink", which is kinda name calling, but...i you seem a bit disgusted by everyone. him for what you characterize as "blaming" and his care team for not being compassionate and capable of helping him work through whatever is going on with him (i have no idea what the thread starter's diagnoses are). but, i can't imagine mental healthcare professionals who have those seriously high expectations of treatment response for patients across the board. plus, if that were possible, nobody would end up not responding to treatment. that basically blames, seriously, the patient if they don't keep moving onward and upward by willpower alone.

plus, back sliding happens in life to people with nothing from the DSM 5. people who DO have one or more or even several OFTEN go through periods of reduced functionality. that's a really common feature of mental health problems. and treatment perfection is...i've literally never known anyone with that amount of consistently complete success longterm that never has another break or episode or breakthrough symptoms or stress exacerbating things.... impairment that responds the way you describe is unheard of in my experience. treatment for most things, especially with therapy involved, takes time. constant upward motion and improvement is not something that you can expect from all patients. or even any patient maybe.

has that been your experience? is that your expectation of yourself? do you think that's reasonable of anyone?

soz, that's what went through my head. i don't expect you to reply. i'm just really surprised and it makes me sad for people who endure that if they aren't up to that demanding a ...i guess it depends on the diagnosis/es, but, i just don't think that's a reasonable expectation unless the psychiatrist outright sucks. but i've never had one that had that callous an attitude or lack of appreciation for the varieties of ways things can unfold and how individual responses to things can be and who knows that sometimes medications take time to figure out and often need multiple figurings out and if there's therapy...having a stressful day or reverting to this or that or having stuff .... it's just, i've never heard that before applied to treatment. people can try really hard and not have that success rate. it's nobody's "fault" or to blame sometimes...and then sometimes, with who did xyz, there is a cause. i just hope the thread starter gets the help needed to struggle less.

take care,
-peri

Hermus
07-29-16, 05:13 AM
My dad used to be physically abusive and is the type of person who keeps his children dependent. I don't think he does these things on purpose. In his eyes it's probably just obvious that he arranges insurances, administration etc. for his adult children since he had his own business in insurances and bookkeeping. When I went backpacking through Southeastern Europe I got my own travel insurance. In his eyes this was totally bollocks since his children are covered through his insurance. Well, I've kept my insurance and if my dad wants to keep paying for an insurance I don't need that's his problem.

hi_add13
07-29-16, 02:44 PM
My relationship with my father from childhood until now has remained stagnant. It's been pretty much us living under the same roof, but that's it. I mean he parents some times like telling me when dinner was ready and scolding me when I was little, but that's pretty much it. It was my mother who I had a stronger relationship with, but even then she was busy with work. (both my parents were busy with work)

I pretty much had to "grow-up" and mature on my own or through my personal experiences at school and advices from my teachers. And even now, me and my father kind of just tolerate each other's existence. :lol: He only comes to me for help with technology and if he ever has a problem with me he complains to my mom or brothers.

thorfinnur
08-03-16, 04:15 PM
When I look back I get the feeling that my father did the best he could and dealt with everything in the best way he knew. Our relationship was quite strained at times and I blamed him for so many things that went wrong. I am quite certain that in many ways I disappointed him while he was alive. That being said I loved him and he clearly loved me.

I only wish he was still around to see the progress I have made since he passed away. The old man would be damn proud of me now.

midnightstar
08-03-16, 04:41 PM
I remember the one time my dad bothered showing up when arranged, he brought his little baby with him to show off, literally brought the baby to the house with him even though the arrangement was for him to come alone.

AshT
08-03-16, 04:56 PM
Dad had undiagnosed severe ADHD.
And was involved in lots of organised crime. So we'd get gansta people turning up at the door - didn't help that the door didn't lock because Dad had already bashed it down. lol.
I hear he was an amazing getaway driver though.
We escaped to go into refuges to get away from his violence but he somehow found us and we had to be moved around. He loosened her car wheels a few times.
He liked his mind-games - he did lots of what is known as "Gaslighting" which landed my mother in a mental institution for a while. And as Mr Charming she got put under his care because they didn't believe how abusive he was. Kidnapped me once or twice. Was in prison a few times on the rare occasion he got caught. Heard rumors he had killed a few people.
His Dad was in the police too, which meant he'd learnt a lot about how the law worked and how to get away with things. Died himself when I was in my teens - got beaten up and put in hospital and didn't come back out, although his liver was ****** too.

Just the way that it was, no regrets, nor would I change anything about it - I learnt too much. And being in refuges I learnt a lot about other people that many will never have the fortune of seeing - both the extreme goods and bads of people. And Me and Mum are alive today with a safe roof over our heads =).

Little Missy
08-03-16, 04:59 PM
My dad used to take me to record stores on Saturdays to buy 45's. I remember my favourite was Scott Mc Kenzie's San Fransisco that he picked out for me that day.

aeon
08-03-16, 06:09 PM
Scott Mc Kenzie's San Fransisco.

I loved this song as a child, but it sometimes would lead to me being very upset,
and I would cry to any adult who would listen that I was born late because I was
supposed to be there too, and wouldn’t you know, not a single one of those adults
would give my 6-year-old self a ride to San Francisco.


Cheers,
Ian

Little Missy
08-03-16, 06:22 PM
I loved this song as a child, but it sometimes would lead to me being very upset,
and I would cry to any adult who would listen that I was born late because I was
supposed to be there too, and wouldn’t you know, not a single one of those adults
would give my 6-year-old self a ride to San Francisco.


Cheers,
Ian

So difficult being such sensitive souls as we.

julialouise
08-04-16, 11:45 AM
We had a very good relationship, even when there would be some times when I wondered where he was. He did his best to show that he loved me and my brother. He owned a kitchen & bath remodeling store and he had a room in there that had a TV, a VCR, and a table for me to draw and color on (with paper of course!). I remember wandering through the showrooms quite a bit, it was like another world.

There was one time when he blew up on me because I didn't understand how texting charges worked back in 2006 so I ended up making him spend a lot of money. When he was done yelling, he realized how it made me feel, and immediately apologized and said that "yelling at someone is probably the worst punishment" and I had a lot of trust in him.

He was definitely a Thinker, so when my parents divorced and when I was getting older and starting to see/understand the world (age 12-ish) I would listen to his grand theories and observations about the government, society, religion, etc. He moved away from Catholicism just before I did. He didn't make me stop believing, he made me feel better about the fact that I didn't believe. I loved going on this 3-day-long car ride to Oregon and it was just fantastic listening to Pink Floyd with him while we drove through the winding mountain roads.

However, he had a tendency to put my mother down a lot, blamed the divorce on her. I was willing to hate her with him because at the same time, she was restricting me from expressing myself in the way I wanted to. When I was 11/12, I started to get into the emo/goth/scene kid looks and music, and she only saw those things for the negativity: their associations with death, depression, etc. My dad, however, didn't have a problem with me listening to My Chemical Romance, except for that one time when I turned my CD on at 3 am because I couldn't sleep and he stormed into my room and shouted at me (again).

When I started to see him for the deadbeat that he really was, not necessarily due to his own decision (I later learned that he had bipolar/schizophrenia), I began to lose faith in him, and very quickly. I didn't know about the mental disorders until later, and if anything they made me see my dad in a better light because I could now understand, but when you learn that your father only paid child support for the two years following the divorce, and when you learn that he put your mother under an even worse financial strain thanks to unpaid debt that wasn't even her responsibility but now she had to pay for, while also struggling to put her two children through private high school and private college, then it's kind of difficult to not have a major distaste for the person causing all this trouble.

He also sends out emails to a huge mailing list, or at least one with 100 recipients, sometimes with garbled nonsense, sometimes with coherent ideas that are just incorrect, and sometimes with ideas that I sort of understand but which could have been expressed differently. My mom hates them, and she always talks about him in a way that sounds as though she has a bad taste in her mouth. I don't know what he put her through personally, but I suppose I was always caught up in their little feud. I would always become upset when she spoke negatively about him and his symptoms of psychosis, because she should understand that he has very little control over what his brain does. Except for the drug use that made it worse, maybe.

Sorry for the life story (lol!) but that's what I think about when I think about my relationship with my father. I haven't spoken to him in maybe 6/7 years except for maaaaaaybe one phone conversation and one email in which I demanded him to "Get It Together." In his response, he said he was glad that I had to struggle, because it builds character. I was extremely upset, because that's for me to decide, not him.

Pugly
08-11-16, 10:44 PM
I don't remember too much of my father from when I was very young. He was into drinking and did drugs. He would blow up angrily a lot, and my parents had a very poor relationship that ended in divorce. I remember being yelled at, for not eating certain foods, for talking at a restaurant. I remember him saying "keep on crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

I'm a very sensitive person, but I've always felt sort of detached emotionally too. So I suspect I cut myself off from feeling things as a kid due to some kind of abuse. I don't remember ever feeling any sort of love for my father, but I don't remember feeling too much love from him either. When big stages in life happened, like the divorce or when he moved away... I just felt nothing. No sadness or grief... just like I was going into another stage of life.

My father was fairly gregarious though and a people person. I remember him joking around a lot. He was pretty foolish with money if I remember right though. Bought cars he didn't have money for. Kinda seemed to live in the moment most of the time I think. He always seemed to be going after some new thing.

But I don't remember any sort of parenting from him. No guidance. No explanations about things. No supervision. No support. No help really. He actually related to me more as an adult sometimes. I remember when we went to an amusement park, he asked me about finding a place selling cigarettes.. I was probably 10 at the time... he complained about it to me like I was a co-worker or an equal or something.

I just have this sense of him as a person of always been talked at, but never being talked with. Any time I tried to express something I have this mental idea of him not really getting it, or just spouting off some nonsense that wasn't related. While at the same time he would be emotional and forceful with his opinions. Always talking with others as if they already agreed with him.

I just feel an emptiness about my childhood, mostly due to my father... but some because of my mother. I'm missing something that should have been there... and I don't know how to heal that... or if that's even possible. But I feel so detached that I don't really feel like I should even worry about it or concern myself about it. What's done is done...

But many of my life issues seem to stem from this upbringing...

Bluechoo
08-12-16, 11:24 AM
My relationship with my parents is as good as I could hope, under the circumstances of our life situations... Everyone in my family treats each other with love and respect, for the most part. But we're a big family, and when I was very young, my father was very busy (he was a pediatrician), and my mother had her own issues that caused her to neglect me. I missed out on some important child-rearing milestones due to this; for example I was not properly potty-trained for the first 8 or 9 years of my life.

Pop was like a community hero, and when we finally got to see him he would spoil us, so he was like our hero too. My mom complains that he made her be the bad guy, because he would spoil us and make her be the disciplinarian. But I remember him disciplining us as well... And the extent to which we were spoiled was actually pretty mild.

I have more contention with my mother. She will claim to be a martyr for us, how she gave up a different life for us, when in reality she couldn't handle the pressure and developed a prescription narcotics addiction and was often not present where we needed her most. She was smart enough to be aware of the damage she was doing, but her actions were horribly misguided and she would over-correct and be overly present where it was inappropriate. She was molested by her father when she was a child, and I'm sure this is why she has issues with recognizing appropriate boundaries today.

I've come to accept neglect as a very serious form of child abuse, and have had to allow myself to get angry about it. It helped me to gain some perspective. I do not blame her, but it's important to me to feel appropriate anger over her mistakes. For a long time I would say "she did the best she could, her father messed her up." But then I realize "her trauma does not excuse her abusing me." No one gets a free pass to abuse another person, just because they were abused.

Our relationship is currently a tad strained, and I know we'll be okay again, eventually. But I had to get some distance to realize what I have just written, and I am taking all the time I need to solidify my personality so I can have a conversation with her and not be led into her trap of judgment, criticism, and guilt-tripping.

midnightstar
08-12-16, 03:46 PM
However, he had a tendency to put my mother down a lot, blamed the divorce on her.

You could be describing my father with this bit, he blames everyone else for everything and refuses to accept that his actions have consequences :grouphug:

stef
08-12-16, 04:47 PM
I just miss my Dad
i wish i couldve told him about adhd

aeon
08-12-16, 05:22 PM
I just miss my Dad
i wish i couldve told him about adhd

Same with me. I’m sure he had it. He was a classic case of the combined type.

He died of ALS, and then 6 weeks later, this thing called the Ice Bucket Challenge went viral.

stef... :grouphug:


Bless Thee,
Ian

cwf1986
08-14-16, 06:22 PM
Then, because of the depression, I got (mis) diagnosed as bipolar. Apparently, on antidepressants, my ADHD symptoms shine clearly through, and can be interpreted as mild mania if you squint hard enough and have a psych that is way more familiar with bipolar than ADD. Then, in a wacky long story, I was finally re-diagnosed as ADD and medicated properly. It's hard not to feel anger at the years that were lost to me. I try and consider the fact that, like me, he has ADHD, and life is hard. His childhood was harsh and unforgiving. But I also know that ADD doesn't automatically make someone a jerk. If anything, it only explains why he blurted out everything.

I don't speak to my parents anymore. Nor does my brother.

I can relate to this part. I had a mis-diagnoses of bipolar as well in high school. Basically because my dad had it and my mom convinced me I had it too so it was seemingly a slam dunk diagnoses to the psych who hardly spent any time evaluating me.

At least they put me on wellbutrin which helped a little bit with adhd. But it didn't make up for what the risperdal did which stole some of the most formative years of my life away from me. I had rage and anger problems because of my parents issues, but I was the one who had to take the medication for it. Even now, I take 3 meds for anxiety including one for depression to deal with my issues from all this.

I didn't realize it at the time, but the very deep and dark depression I had in high school was from my parents issues. Deep-seated abandonment issues from my mother which turned into enmeshment issues after my dad went emotionally awol late in elementary school. He was also diagnosed as a narcissist.

I think my mom is seriously adhd, but she can't fathom the possibility because she's very conscientious at work. But she was also too tired to help with me with important things during high school. The exception being school projects. I guess she had to work so hard to overcome her issues at work she had nothing left.

Neither one of them bothered to teach me how to even drive a car. I asked a few times but allegedly neither had time or energy which is such a huge mile stone in high school for a guy. I would've pressed on, but that was the norm for me all my childhood.

My dad did get so much better the last couple years of his life. My brother had a child that had holes in his heart and moderate to severe autism and that seemed to really bring my Dad out of his funk. He was even taking any meds anymore. The irony is that's when he was taken away from the family in a boating accident. Just as he got better, it was his time.

I will give my mom a few things to credit her. Her issues were without willful intent, she loves me and my brother to death, and she tried her damnedest.

I actually recently had a frank discussion with her and she has started to treat me much much better. I think she realized that if she didn't, she was going to lose her son. I thank her for that in my heart and mind. I don't know what it's like to raise a child so I will give her the benefit of the doubt. I also want to make sure I don't do or say things I'll regret because of her current frail health.

Domino81
08-15-16, 11:29 PM
My relationship with my father... I love my dad. We are alike in some ways. Especially during the darker periods of my marriage when my ex wife accused me of being emotionally unavailable. My mother felt like the dissolution of her marriage played out in front of her all over again. My father stood with me at my wedding. He and I rarely see eye-to-eye on things. And frankly maybe where I get my spite and withdrawal from. He's a very black and white guy. He'll never get too emotionally invested into a discussion. I know he has a temper because I've tested it. As a kid I was very destructive. Currently we live together because I'm trying to reclaim my life and I do not make enough by myself to live alone with my 13-year old son. He's not an especially passionate, compassionate, empathetic or warm person. He's more buddy-buddy with my son than I feel a grandfather should be. He won't argue, he'll just shrug, motion "whatever" with body language and withdraw.

My mother on the other hand is very warm, compassionate, caring, loving, giving. People pleaser and is where I suspect my disorder comes from. Pretty independent. Can be quite emotional. She and I have the deep conversations when I need them. We've spoken to great lengths about my divorce.

I wasn't an especially easy child. School was always a nightmare. I hated school. I don't remember learning anything. Just the kids that picked on me. I grew up with grudge. When I was in middle school I accidentally started a brush fire and I was embarrassed and scared and I went to my mother she was screaming for them to take me. I assume she meant the police.

I love both of my parents, but for very different reasons. My father is sturdy and practical. He shares my love of animals. Actually, both of my parents do. He has 2 classic cars. But again, his viewpoint is very narrow. He likes one manufacturer. Everything else is ****. My mother just wants to live her life, love her family be a mother and a grand mother. She's the sensitive emotional side. My father is the logical. Very left/right brain personalities.

Laserbeak
08-15-16, 11:41 PM
My parents were divorced when I was very young, but for most of my youth (aside from a few years he lived out-of-state being a medical intern [he was a doctor, changing from an ENT to a Plastic and Reconstructive Surgeon]), he lived close by and we saw each other regularly. Unfortunately, he died suddenly and unexpectedly in a plane crash when I was 15. That was very traumatic and altered my life in a very negative way I think.

sarahsweets
08-16-16, 12:16 AM
I wish I could have told my dad that I get it- he had what they used to call "manic depression" and I have it too, (bipolar) and it wasnt his fault.

Little Missy
08-16-16, 08:17 AM
Honestly, sometimes I wonder how my dad managed to do it all. My mother is/was as ADHD as I am. He had to juggle keeping me happy which was never easy, and keeping her out of trouble with her big mouth. My mum didn't work until I was out of high school and my dad retired. She did what my dad said would be her best job, haha, "selling things with her mouth." She became a realtor.

He was the first -Navy- into Hiroshima and Nagasaki trying to save as many lives as they could. He was 17. PTSD off the charts.

He worked for the Detroit News in circulation in downtown Detroit. Right there on West Grand Boulevard where the riots began in '67. Thirty years he worked almost always 7 days a week. He never had a holiday off. Always in the most dangerous situations handling a lot of money. PTSD that never, ever was abated even heavily medicated.


He always put himself last. The kindest man you could ever imagine. He had no father, his mother was not his, yet he went to Cass Tech and educated himself by reading every single book in the library so that he didn't have to listen to his alcoholic fake parents fight at home. And poor, so unbelievably poor as a child that he cut pieces of linoleum to make soles for his shoes.

And to take on my mum and I as diplomatic as he was, patience that never ended, generous to a fault. Thank goodness my brother was one of those quiet geniuses that never caused a ripple.

aeon
08-16-16, 10:32 AM
And to take on my mum and I as diplomatic as he was, patience that never ended, generous to a fault.

The rest of the post built it up, but this was what made the dam break.

Bless your father and the memory of him.


Namaste,
Ian

Matador
08-16-16, 11:12 AM
I've had awesome parents....to a point.

My mom now that I look back is the glue that held us together. As I am older I now see my dad too suffers from ADHD but never knew and still doesn't see it.

But because of it, my mom is the one who does majority of everything minus his duties as a man working outside.

But as far as my dad goes, before I used to listen to everything he said and did like my mom and just did everything his way...but as I have gotten older I've gotten my own 'routine' and now tend to butt heads with him at times if there's something we're trying to do together since neither of us can compromise with the other.So at times NOW our relationship can be more strained, I try to calm myself down and work things out with him.

I love both my parents very much and am pretty close with both--but discovering that I suffer from ADHD has put me through a rollercoaster ride with them along with finding out more about myself.

madmax988
08-17-16, 12:12 PM
really nice topic.
well much as I would have liked to call him supportive or even remotely anywhere near the term 'kind' he was anything but. judgemental to a fault and often violent, I'm afraid he almost destroyed the family and not realizing it one bit.Used to fight and argue a lot but at the end of the day absolutely clueless as to what he did or said.I did despise him but then there had to be a way to somehow co-exist.Truth be told Im just glad no one was hurt or killed and more glad Ive learn to forgive him though it wasn't easy.