View Full Version : Some things I struggle with

07-21-16, 08:13 PM
I'm planning onto visiting a neuropsych one day (If I ever find one), as traditional specialists never seemed to notice the things I always thought very normal for everyone, where in fact they were not. Throughout my life, I've been working with a psychologist aged around 13-14 (very unhelpful one, nothing special apart from telling me "there are many kids with struggles like mine" and that I should see things from another point of view), a family therapist which was, pardon my french, literally dumb (or maybe I wasn't good at expressing myself, but when I tried to tell her how my grandfather was aggressive she was like "Oh, he probably has troubles with hearing". No, he doesn't) and around 3 or 4 psychiatrists which were diagnosing me with anxiety (or, rather, that was the only thing I was telling them about, bc I didn't know that much at that time) and depression, where one put me on Zoloft (triggered a lot of violent and angry behaviours) and Xanax (that I was addicted from for a year) and it didn't end very well, in fact, that was the most bothersome part of my life. I don't take any meds since around 4 years. My life was full of struggles, mostly on my own. I still don't know whether I should put my issues under the ADD label or maybe autistic spectrum or learning disability, even though I've studied the topics pretty well. Some of the things come from my past trauma, since I was raised in a highly dysfunctional family and had a lot of traumatic experience, such as prolonged bullying that was at it's worse when I attended a British school for a year I was living abroad as a 10 year old, while I was the only non English speaking person there back then. I've survived a lot of verbal and physical abuse there, was chased, punched and called names, but basically, bullying was a part of my life for much longer. I was rejected for my nationality, looks (which is why I worked really hard to become attractive), sexuality, my way of understanding, my gait, my motor skills and some other things as well. Now, as a 21 year old woman, I still struggle with being behind everyone and not meeting social standards.

I have an exceptional long term memory, which is why it's difficult to put it all together so it won't be too long.

First of all, I'm also physically sick. I suffer from thyroid disorder and some disorders (still not ruled out completely) related to adrenal and pituitary gland, that caused me virilization and metabolic issues. I had to take some really hard meds for a long time since the age of 12 and struggled with severe acne and hirsutism and obesity (fortunately came from 80 kg to 53 kg), all of them which I fortunately managed. Now, mostly, I just have ortostatic hypotension, tachycardia and occasional hypoglycemia (rarely).

I tried to categorize the stuff I'm gonna write.

So, when it comes to sleep issues, I've been always prone to nightmares, night terrors, hypnagogia, hypnopompia, sleep talking and severe daydreaming. I often feel like a narcoleptic.

Since childhood, I have a generalized anxiety disorder, separation anxiety(as a kid only), intrusive thoughts and a panic disorder (now not so severe) that was really debilitating during school times, as I had to endure dramatically long panic attacks during many lessons for about seven years. I never said a word, never went out of the class bc of that, until high school where strong reaction to Citalex made me ran away from the room. I could never stand sitting still in a room so quiet you could hear a fly. I need to be able to move and walk. I still avoid such situations, although it's manageable for me now. It was mostly this that led me to taking medication and self medicating at some point (i was taking a lot of pills on the beginning of high school just to stay calm).

Since early age, I was also hypersensitive to textures and sounds. Sound making toys scared me so much I always ended up crying. I could not wear certain clothes. I could not use a regular hair brush. I couldn't stand cutting my toe nails, my mum had to wait until I'm asleep. Sometimes in order to put me to sleep parents had to drive me in a car or swing me in the blanket, as it was very calming. I loved categorizing (such as wanted to possess all the toys from all the collections) and been so obsessed with particular toys, even those in kindergarten, that I would secretly steal them from there for the summer holidays. I felt like certain toys were mine and didn't want to share them with anyone.

I didn't cry very much, my parents always say. Not like the other kids. I rarely complained about any troubles, prefered to solve them out on my own. When I slightly broke my hand on my way to primary school (it wasn't an open wound) I did not say a thing for many hours until it got really swollen. Even when the teacher asked me to go to the board and write something with that hand. I did it. I rarely shared my problems with adults.

I could spend hours and hours sitting calmly over my grandmother's dog, watching him or talking to him (i was the only child he tolerated), like no other child.

My mother's brother and his family criticized her for raising me the bad way, as I never wanted to play with their son, no matter what age I was. Hated him. He was touching my stuff and making chaos in our room (I lived in a one room with my parents until I was 13, sadly). I seemed hostile to them.

When it came to playing with other kids, I wasn't successful.It had to be my way or no way. In kindergarten, I was so obsessed with tigers the plays I was inventing were just about walking around the carpet for a long long time pretending to be an animal. When you look at a group photo from that time, I'm standing away from others, making silly faces, pretending to be a tiger. I never liked to engage in other's games. I could not communicate very well. In primary school, I remember being extremely verbal and critical and cynical, as for a child. Maybe a bit because of my father and his family. I also had a tendency to obsess over topics and run away in the world of daydream. Especially that many kids in primary school kept running after me, screaming I'm crazy and should end up in a mental institution. They were writing stories about me as a nasty witch and then read it aloud in the class during language lessons.

But I could be a bully myself at some point.

I had a lot of temper tantrums and meltdowns, where I would destroy my own stuff. I had extreme anger that to this day is hard to regulate. My depression started around the age of 9, where I already felt not like the others and told my mum often that I don't want this, but feel I should end my life.

I have/had a speech disorder and had a speech therapist in primary school. But my oppositional behaviour made me stop it. I didn't attend many things other kids did as I felt oppressed. And my parents always made me responsible for myself, which is not good.

I have linguistic memory and mostly rely on my verbal skills. Since primary school, I have problems with learning non verbal things, Maths mostly. Now I'm 21 and - despite having three private tutors - I still struggle with this subject so hard I'm three years behind, as I'm still writing my Maths finals and can't get those required 30% I'm living in Europe and the system here is really different, so it's okay if you don't get this. On the contrary, I have the best results in other subjects and it's really unusual that I did not pass my finals, because mostly, people do. I have 90% in Polish, 100% in basic English, 95% in extended English (C1), 30% in extended Philosophy and 50% in Biology. And 22% in Maths, scored on all the non geometrical stuff. It sucks! My peers are on their 2nd year of university now.

The same was for driving (getting a licence here is a bit harder and more expensive than it the UK or US, it also looks different). Mostly, people have like 30 hours of course and pass on their 1-3 attempt. I had 80 hours. Passed at the 8th attempt only because I had a good talk with the examiner, made him laugh and managed to not make any serious mistakes. Don't fool yourself, I still don't drive. Actually the course was the first time someone told me "you got ADHD". I cannot judge speed and distance, my actions are stereotyped and unflexible, I don't know how to act in new situations and generally controlling the enviroment outside the car is difficult. I don't have a problem with operating the machine itself (after getting the licence, I was driving a bit on classic BMW e36, 2.5), on the contrary, but being on the road is too many things to process. Understanding the signs on the road was also an issue. It was another thing that made me feel really behind, as I was more fascinated with the idea of driving than most of my friends who already were. Knew everything about the procedures, had long talks with examiners (it's usually silent during an exam but I was like "hell no!", talked and talked), started gaining really wide knowledge on cars etc. And then there was a well known "You need more time to get this".

I also cannot horse ride, swim, dance (at all), was the worst one at team sports and any sports at all. Catching the ball, even. And when I say the worst, I mean the worst, not bad. My motor coordination is really bad. Still have difficulties with reading the clock. I fall under the term of dyspraxic. I heard my gait is funny and I don't run like other people.

I speak too fast and walk way too fast. Don't make much eye contact and have poor mimic. Been often accussed of being fake and dishonest because of that. I also mimic other people in the way they speak or behave. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse.

I've been working in sales in a local shop for a year and had extreme issues with short term memory, forgetting, not taking care of the customers due to daydreaming, it was also terribly emotionally overwhelming. My anger and frustration would built up very often. I was told to be slow and - when worn out - seemed hostile to others. I also worked in the supermarket for a short amount of time and was made fun of due to my lack of strenght, flexibility and being physically slow. I never got used to this kind of enviroment, but if I won't go to the university, I will be forced to go back to it.

I also have a hard time relaxing, regulating my emotions and if I dont control myself, can be so clingy and impulsive...well, there were times I ruined my whole reputation. If I start to fixate over something, there is no stopping me, I don't care for socially appropriate. At least i did not in the past. It was scary when my obsession was first experiences with sex. I put myself in a lot of trouble, trying to find out everything about it, do everything (If I wanted to master kissing technique - still not used to it - believe me, my list was long...). Even when I was starting to smoke cigarettes, after some time I knew everything about the brands and the savoir vivre.

I think my biggest troubles were in high school, where I didn't stand the tension. Had lot of meltdowns and manic/furious states due to medication. Couldn't cope with not meeting the standards, while still being the best of all at some things. I was, at one point, almost expelled due to my oppositional behaviour. I'm happy I managed to get it all together. I still wonder whether I have bipolar I tendencies or not. And now, here, not coping with finding my way into adulthood.

I have some really autistic/obsessional people in the family. There is also a wide history of anger and narcissism, alcoholism, depression etc, but not gonna explain this here.

There could be so much more, but it's getting too long.

I have some people to spend time with, but the bonds are not too strong due to me cutting myself off a lot of times when things got too overwhelming and there were too many people. I had been doing things that they did not get, such as talking too much, being overly critical or couldn't take that one more day at a trip and falling into a shutdown where I would stop speaking until we got back. I try to keep my boundaries and not take too much human interaction at once and generally think about that topic often.

07-22-16, 04:42 AM

07-22-16, 04:32 PM

07-24-16, 11:57 AM
I also struggle with disordered circadian rhytm, I love staying up late and often getting up in the morning seems impossible. I was always late for school or work. I can sleep for several hours, even whole days. I already said about hypnagogia, it's really scary to "watch" an anxious subconscious. I often get half awake at night, having irrational, dreadful thoughts and often fall into those states. For example, yesterday I fell asleep around 2 o clock, then slept the whole day or walked like a zombie, now i got coffee and turned out bit hyper.

I also have dermatillomania and other specific phobia, such as schiz OCD and fear of falling into manic and psychotic state.

When something interests me, I can focus for hours and hours. I tend to escape into finding informations and getting some random knowledge.

Yet often, when I should be interested, I give up and seem totally indifferent.

07-30-16, 12:11 AM
Since early age, I was also hypersensitive to textures and sounds.
I didn't cry very much, my parents always say. Not like the other kids. I rarely complained about any troubles, preferred to solve them out on my own.

I have/had a speech disorder and had a speech therapist in primary school.

I also have a hard time relaxing, regulating my emotions and if I dont control myself, can be so clingy and impulsive...

I can relate. My speech issue was a lisp. My son is two and a half and still doesn't talk. I have met people who say their child didnt talk until they were almost five, so I am not too worried, although he is in speech therapy so hopefully he doesn't get frustrated trying to communicate (although he does very well non verbally and can understand everything).

I have always been hypersensitive to sounds, and textures. I cannot STAND the buzzing of bugs. I get so angry so fast, it's weird. I hate textures of certain foods. Some toys I had I didn't like because of the way their "fur" felt, etc.

I was also an "easy" child. I did not cry much, I was "easygoing" and not too fussy. (Other than the sound, and texture things lol). I didn't solve my troubles well on my own though, and I had the communication issues also, which I still do.

It is so difficult to relax. Even when I go to lay down when my child is napping I cannot sleep, and my mind still races. I feel as if I should be doing something else, which, in a short time, makes me get back up and I get no resting done at all.

I am clingy and impulsive as well. I have gotten better with both, but still a work in progress.

You aren't alone! Welcome, I am new here too.

07-30-16, 12:32 AM
I also have dermatillomania and other specific phobia, such as schiz OCD and fear of falling into manic and psychotic state.

well, you'd be unwise to think that having a psychotic break is a good time. in most people, it's absolutely not. it's really horrible. but, not personal experience because i don't have a mood disorder, i have seen people who have euphoric mania though. so mania isn't always horrible. there are always consequences and those tend to be horrible so far as i can tell.

at any rate, i'm sorry you're struggling with so much. i hope you have a care team you trust and that you have helpful options for addressing your situation.

anyway, i'm mainly posting to say

1. please reconsider using "schiz" as an abbreviation for schizophrenic or schizophrenia because it's not very kind. unless you are a callous person, which i'm hoping you're not, you should know that it comes off pejoratively to a group of people. so, i wanted to share that information with you because i suspect you don't realize...a lot of people don't. and, whether you use it in the future or not, just know what kind of choice you're making.

2. can you define "schiz OCD" because i'm familiar with both of those (distinct) diagnoses, but i've never heard of the "schizophrenia type OCD" and i know for certain there isn't an OCD subtype of schizophrenia. are you saying you have, in addition to the other concerns you report, that you have been diagnosed with "schiz OCD" or the phobia of "schiz OCD"? please clarify.

again, i'm sorry you're having such a rough go. i hope you find some peace and feel better soon.

also, welcome to the forums.