Hey everyone im quite new to this board and have been lingering around the last couple of days reading some of the posts here and it seems like a really soft place to land. Im having major problems with my 10yr old daughter who was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. It's really tearing me up inside and I just dont know what to do anymore.

I'll give you a little insight into what goes on in our world everyday more than once a day.

When she wakes up in the morning she is usually in a pretty good mood until i tell her to get dressed...this usually takes a good 20mins. Then there is breakfast she says she wants one thing and in the middle of eating that doesnt want it anymore and wants something else. Getting her upstairs to get her teeth brushed and fixing her hair is nearly impossible with there being a big blow-out. She does it though and I do her hair because she cant. Anyhow 9 out of 10 mornings she is leaving here for school screaming at me for one reason or another.

By the way she is on 20mg of Ritalin SR right now and in less than a weeks time it will be up by 5 mg of her regular ritalin. The Ritalin is helping in school...she is doing awesome academically and has come a long way socially. Its when she gets home that all Heck breaks loose. At lunch i will ask a simple question like what she wants for lunch and it turns into a nightmare. Ive tried just making lunch for her but she never wants what i make and now i ask to avoid the arguments but its not working.

She is forever starting arguments and throwing out rude comments to everyone in the house. Most days she has my 8 year old daughter in tears. My bf dreads coming home and I dread him coming home too. I hold my breath wondering what she will say to him next.

We are going away this weekend to a place called Crystal Palace...reason being is that my youngest daughter wants to go there for her Birthday. We decided that would be nice to get away..my youngest doesnt want her sister to go because as long as she can remember her sister has always ruined her Bday. BF doesnt want to her to go either because he knows the way my oldest will act. Constantly picking on my youngest and his 5 yr old son.

Im feeling guilty about this and want her to go i dont want her to miss out on the fun but at the same time could use a break. I dont feel like a very good mother for saying that but its the truth.

Anyway there is so much more i could tell you but just cant think straight right now...any words of wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated.:o

Hi and welcome to the Forums!!! I know this one, too!!! I would say that it is probably a given that if she goes she will make sure that she is the center of attention and I am afraid you will spend most of your time trying to play peacemaker and cheerleader since that's the way it usually worked for us.

If she is anything like my son, she will promise with tears in her eyes to be good and not cause problems, but it is not possible for her to be something she is not yet. (It does get better - mine is now 14 and has won on maturity though he's still behind). If it is possible, it might be better to have her stay with a friend or grandparents or someone else you trust to handle her.

Another idea would be to bring along another family, or friend for her, to offer more options for interaction and distraction. You could also ask a friend of yours to come help, if you have someone like that. I have done all of the above and it does make a difference sometimes.

Just a couple of ideas.

Kim

Thank you Kim...i still feel guilty about not bringing her but I know none of us would have a good time including her. She is spending the weekend with my parents. Question is do i tell her where we are going? I hate lying but dont want to hurt her feelings either. :(

Wow, that morning sounds just like mine..... except he doesnt' pick and choose his foods like that.. but the getting dressed, a hygiene stuff in the morning, a constant battle... if I am speaking to him about somehting he always has to speak back.. ie.. if i ask him something he will say something back then say he didn't say anything.... and argue with me he didnt' speak - it drives me potty.....
Anyway maybe this would be a good thing to show your daughter that some of her behaviours are unacceptable - don't feel guilty about leaving her behind.. I think for example with the breakfasts, give her the options of several things and be consistent that what she picks and prepares she has to eat .. if not.. I am sure she will only like been hungry by not eating it for a day or so. I think behaviours like these can be modified with consistency, alot of energy and give them the choice up front to choose what they want for breakfast with reason.
It is a tough old job this, I am glad I only have one child so I do not have to worry about siblings, but I congratulate you upfront as you probably have your hands full.
I am not sure how long ago you split from her father, but I have a BF actually now of a few years and still my son will try and play us off with each other, and I thnk it is testing the boundaries.
Sorry I haven't given any real solutions.. but try the breakfast thing.... some ADHD behaviorus I believe can be modified - the breakfast thing doesnt' come under any category of ADHD I don't think - just awkwardness to get under your skin.

N

When she wakes up in the morning she is usually in a pretty good mood until i tell her to get dressed...this usually takes a good 20mins. Then there is breakfast she says she wants one thing and in the middle of eating that doesnt want it anymore and wants something else. Getting her upstairs to get her teeth brushed and fixing her hair is nearly impossible with there being a big blow-out. She does it though and I do her hair because she cant. Anyhow 9 out of 10 mornings she is leaving here for school screaming at me for one reason or another.[/COLOR]

Its when she gets home that all Heck breaks loose. At lunch i will ask a simple question like what she wants for lunch and it turns into a nightmare. Ive tried just making lunch for her but she never wants what i make and now i ask to avoid the arguments but its not working.

She is forever starting arguments and throwing out rude comments to everyone in the house. Most days she has my 8 year old daughter in tears. My bf dreads coming home and I dread him coming home too. I hold my breath wondering what she will say to him next.

We are going away this weekend to a place called Crystal Palace...reason being is that my youngest daughter wants to go there for her Birthday. We decided that would be nice to get away..my youngest doesnt want her sister to go because as long as she can remember her sister has always ruined her Bday. BF doesnt want to her to go either because he knows the way my oldest will act. Constantly picking on my youngest and his 5 yr old son.

Im feeling guilty about this and want her to go i dont want her to miss out on the fun but at the same time could use a break. I dont feel like a very good mother for saying that but its the truth.

Anyway there is so much more i could tell you but just cant think straight right now...any words of wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated.:o

How exciting a fellow tormented mommy :(

Getting my daughter ready and off to school used to leave me in tears every single morning with her screaming obscenities at me all the way to school (literally, we live three blocks from school and I know when she's hit school grounds cause she instantly stops to avoid getting in trouble). We tried a lot of things and finally settled on a set schedule. We bought a five sectioned clothes organizer from Walmart for $5 and she picks her clothes for the week including socks, underwear and shoes. Since she has picked her own clothes she generally won't fuss much, brushing her hair and teeth without being told are rewarded with stickers that can be turned in on treats at the end of the week.

I buy easy make food for breakfast and lunches. Things that can be microwaved and she makes her own lunch and breakfast. I simply refuse to cater to her anymore in that arena. She is still wasteful and when she makes something and does not finish it she is not allowed anything else until the next meal. :eek: She's given up fighting me on that one.

We tried taking my son and two of his friends over night to a hotel without her knowing. Kids slip up though and tell especially if they are mad. I would not suggest withholding this information but maybe using it to garner some respect. We've found that with incentive my daughter can be a very nice and accomodating person.

Kids fight...there are six kids in my family and we all fought and only four of us were ADHD. Have you tried a BMP catering to your daughters special likes? For instance both my kids love watching tv but nothing in our house is free. Everything must be earned thru good behaviour, hard work, chores, being kind and helpful, consideration for others.

I'm going to close for now because my own terror will be home soon.
Good luck and hugs,
Cherity

headspins,

I understand your conflict about telling or not telling. On one hand, these kids need to learn (often the hard way) that there are consequences for their behaviour. On the other hand, if she is like my son she has absolutely no concept of time outside of the moment and has an impossible time relating a consequence that isn't direct and immediate. If this is the case, I would simply let it go, not tell her, and do something with her and her sister extra to celebrate.

In time this ability to relate to something that happened longer than 1 hour ago improves (slowly, but steadily). It continues to be one of those fine lines that we are continually walking with our ODD kids. Don't worry about always doing it right. The main thing is you love 'em and give your all to teach them what they need to know to get on in this world. We aren't perfect, but we fighting the good fight!

Hang in there and have fun with the birthday girl. It's probably one of the best presents she's ever had...you alone, just for her!

Kim

Thanks everyone...its nice to know that im not alone in all of this and what im feeling is normal. Futs...ive heard of BMP but dont even know where to start? Any advice with that or even what a BMP is all about?

Also does anyone else's child seem to have no concept of time? My daughter for instance will be sitting at the dinner table and we all will be eating and she will say "mommy"? i have my mouth full so i will look at her to acknowledge that ive heard her and she will scream at me "MOMMY"! so im choking down my food trying to swallow it so she wont yell again and tell her i didnt answer her because my mouth was full and she will look and me and say "oh I didnt know sorry!:eek: Then gets in a really nasty mood where she has a perma crank face on.

Anyway i must go my GFG(gift from god):D is on her way upstairs. Thanks again.

Yes, I have 3 girls one with ADHD(she's 9), one with dyslexia (she's 7) and one (she's 5) that so far shows no signs of anything (keeping finger crossed). None of my children have any concept of time. I think this is pretty usual for all kids, but those with ADHD or other disorders may be a bit worse. When the kids do something like the example you gave and I can't answer because I have food in my mouth I put my hand up and nod so they know I am acknowledging them but to give me a min. This works pretty good because it's a physical signal that I heard them.

Also, I think you made the right decision about leaving your daughter with her grandparents. We so often forget that our children will not shrivel up and die if they miss out on something. Or something isn't totally fair. Since having my second child at every holiday where gifts were received I just HAD to make sure that if sister A got 5 gifts then sister B and subsequently sister C did too. It was getting to the point that I drove myself nuts trying to be "fair." Finally, this past christmas I still tried to keep it equitable but didn't worry so much and you know they didn't really seem to be bothered by it too much. Also, when my husband is home (he's in the Army and is out of the country right now) he tries to take the girls individually on little adventures (movies, toy shopping trips, park, etc.) that way each gets to have special one-on-one time and gets individual attention. Of course, the other 2 always grouch when they don't get to go but so what, their turn is coming.

Anyway, good luck!

Hi headspins,

Write and let us know how you got through the weekend!

Kim

A few thoughts for you all to consider, even though I am not a mom (I did however spend a lot of time working with kids and once majored in elem. ed and sped)... Most of what you are doing are different types of Behavior Modification, such as NukingFuts sticker rewards (Token Economy, the tokens, or stickers, are reinforcers that can be exchanged for a reward). Or Sgolden's Signal Interference (holding her hand up with a mouthful of food). There is also something called Planned Ignoring, where the parent ignores the undesirable behavior (the yelling, complaining, nagging, etc). Yes, the behavior will become worse before it gets better, but it will eventually work. Once it does, the positive behavior needs to be reinforced. To change any behavior will take a lot of time and patience! It sounds as if your all on the right track! Heres a link to a very helpful Behavior Mod. site. It is mainly geared towards teachers but will help parents as well, definately worth checking out!
http://behavioradvisor.com/
There are so many thoughts and ideas that could work, but I'd probably end up boring you, or simply confusing you, if I haven't already!
About kids and their concept of time. Its true that many of them don't develop this until later on, (I've forgotten the approx. age).
Good luck with your kids! Think positively and remember to dislike the behavior, not the child! They all have good potential!
I hope this helps! :)

Hey everyone just wanted to update you on the weekend and let you know things went really well. My oldest daughter stayed with my parents and was an angel. The other two had lots of fun at the indoor amusement park...we stayed there for 8 hours:eek: ...then went back to the hotel and had a good nights rest and the kids went swimming at the hotel pool for awhile and then we shopped for a couple of hours and came home.

Once we did get home I told my other daughter where we had been and she was fine with it...didnt make a fuss or anything.:D We did bring her back a couple of toys and some clothes and I told her that we will bring her to the same place for her bday if she wants by herself and she was fine with that.

Lots...Im going to look at the website you suggested. Thanks all!

We've never written our own BMP we have always worked with our kids' teachers, doctor and therapist. NO matter how you go about it make sure and include her good points as well. I think you need a healthy balance of negatives and positives.

We let our kids pick where they eat, stay and do on their birthdays too. Lately, they have been bypassing the birthday parties and choosing to eat at a restraunt, go to movies, etc, stay at a hotel with just mom and dad no siblings, no friends. Neither child gets angry because they know their turn is coming.

While we are discussing alone time...have you tried having one night a week or month where its just one daughter and yourself alone? Sometimes, life is so hectic that I can't hear my kids screaming warning signs that they are in trouble mentally, emotionally, physically but if I get them one on one the slightest whisper of trouble is heard. Hard to explain but my kids tell me more on these dates then any other time.

Good luck.