no doubt this sounds all too familiar, and somedays it drives me crazy I just want to give up and let him go to town with whatever behaviours he deems .. but realistically I do not let that happen.
i would like some ideas on how to deal with this defiant, does not want to listen behaviours, how they tell you what they will do ~ it drives me crazy... obviously what I am doing does not work and he continues to do it.... but the funny thing is when he needs to be respectful and polite for something he wants ie. playing out, or going somewhere he has no problem doing it.....
i appreciate any advice you can give me.

NO advice here...just wanted to let you know i am going through the same thing and i know how tiring and frustrating it can be...for me there isnt a break in this its every day several times/day. Only difference is my daughter cant behave even when there is an incentive involved.

Oh, I can relate to this, too!!! Since my son is ODD we have had to learn a different way of dealing with him. His first answer to everything is a resounding NO. He also resists being told what to do and will defy anything that he thinks is trying to have authority over him or control him.

We have found that the best way of dealing with this is to make sure he "has control" over his decisions where allowable. Instead of telling him what to do, we offer options..."you can clean your room now and then go outside, or stay inside with no electronic "toys" and clean it later, you decide.", for example. The hardest part for me is the staying neutral, just laying out the options and letting go.

Sometimes he makes really "bad" decisions and has to pay the price (missing going out with friends, missing a favorite TV show, doing poorly on a test in school, etc), but better now that later, I think, when the "bad" decisions could lead to loss of a job, family, or even jail.

This is not to say that it always works. There are days where I just don't have the energy to finese my way around him, or issues where the bottom line is I am his parent and I said NO! and then, as you can well imagine, the fur really flies!!!

The other side of the coin here, though, is you and what are you doing for yourself to tank up on energy and strength to deal with this? I hope that you are finding ways to have "breaks" coz it is so important. Remember that we are their greatest allies and strength, but only if we can maintain the levels of attention they need. Know that you are not alone...so many parents out there just don't believe that there really are kids that require work from "dawn to dusk" at full power every single day!

I know and am sending lots of positive, strengthening thoughts your way.

Kim

nocky,

Each year my son gets a year older, I am one step closer to heaven. It has been quite a struggle but I am guaranteed a spot. :)

I have a few questions in order to possibly help you help your son.

Has your son been diagnosed? If so, what is his diagnosis?

Is he medicated? If so, on what?

What grade is he in? Has he been held back at all?

Does he have any friends or hobbies? Any sibblings?

With a little more info, and with this massive wealth of forum knowledge, I am sure you will find some great suggestions that you could try. Each kid is different. Some things work for some kids. Other things work for other kids.

Just like medication, it takes alot of tweaking to find what your kid will respond to. My son happens to love money. Some people say not to bribe kids with monetary rewards. I say money talks and money keeps the peace in atleast our family. A dollar here. Two dollars there. It is definitely worth my sanity.

They say "It takes a village to raise a child".

I say "It takes more than a village to raise an add/adhd child. It takes a forum with 6,000 plus members!!!!"

If we all hang in there and our kids survive (with their no fear attitudes), we will all be even stronger than we are now.

How old is this child?
Some of what you describe is NORMAL child behavior and you can do nothing about it except be relentless in your battle to stay firm and consistent, keep your cool, and never let them win in their little games to get what they want.
In fact, when they misbehave and act disrepectful or defiant you let them know the next time they want to do something and they ask you to allow it the answer will be NO.
Then, when they ask you for something they really want, even if they are being the sweetest person ever, you remind them in start detail how they were behaving previously, how disrespectful that was and that they earned the loss of whatever privelege they are asking for due to their previous behavior.
You must be MORE relentless and consistent than they are....also, it's ok if your kids don't like you. When they're in their 20's or 30's they will look back and realize that they were b+u+t+t+heads....just like we were when we were kids....and they'll have a better model to work with when raising THEIR kids.

Ahhhh - the story of my life. I have always found the "ODD" types of behaviors my daughter exhibits FAR more exhausting and frustrating than anything related to her "ADHD" types of behaviors. Some suggestions:

1) Read the book "The Explosive Child" by Greene - it describes some good techniques for dealing with these types of behaviors.
2) I've found that a rigid, authoritarian style of communication (i.e., my husband) does not work NEARLY as well as a more humourous, flexible tone. As soon as my husband gets "rigid" or stern with my daughter, it's like slapping up against a brick wall, and we get the opposite behavior of what he's aiming for. I've found mild, but persistent "commands" work better than really stern ones.

That being said, I can't tell you the number of times I've ended up in tears over occasions where she is just utterly, miserably, loudly and meanly defiant over the stupidest things. It is incredibly frustrating!

nocky,

I see in another one of your posts, that your son is 8 years old, diagnosed with ADHD a year ago and he is on the lowest dose of concerta. How long has he been on concerta?

Since my son was 3-4, he has been on several different types of medicine for adhd.

First we went the homeopathic (holistic) route which worked for a few months but when the remedy wore off, it was **** until we were able to get another dose and get it into his system.

We then did the homeopathic route plus the Ritalin. Better, but not great.

Then we went off the homepathic meds and stuck with Ritalin, then tried Dexatrine, then Ritalin again, and now Metadate for his adhd.

He also has the diagnosis for ocd and mood disorder. He takes Respirdal, Zoloft and Clonidine.

(Plus he is learning disabled and bedwets. Poor kid. And ya wonder why he has low self esteem. I spend most of my day building up his self esteem.)

The combination of meds we are on now has made him alot better. Nothing like a non-adhd kid but better than he was.

I received your PM regarding what items should definitely be in an IEP. I will get the information together today along with a copy of the school behavior plan we also have in place. I will go ahead and post it all because there are hundreds of other "nockys" out there that may be looking for the same answer.

I hope your name isn't "nocky" because you are constantly knocking your head against the wall over all this stuff. It will get better. It has to!

My mom always tells me that my son was given to me for a reason. Same for you. Maybe he will be the next President or will find a cure for cancer or add/adhd. Who knows. It's our job to help them survive that long. Hang in there.

Thank you for all the advice.. it really helps.
I have only had him on the concerta and never experimented..... I am still very dubious about the medication. I took him away for a week a few weeks ago and gave him no medication at all.. he was an absolute angel.. was not impulsive, rude, cheeky, we were away a week and I did not have to speak to him once ..... unbelievealbe.. i come back give him his medication and he is back to normal.... I know i have to change my way too... I have little patience and get frustrated so easy and tend to end up yelling or talking in a stern tone ... everything my mother did to me that I hate :):D
Anyway I look forward to the IEP information as I have to review it over the weekend.

ps. no my name isn't nocky, it is a nickname from school .. my maiden name was Nock. but I liked your comment.. gave me a giggle after a difficult morning.

Cheers :)

My 9 year old, has ADHD: combined type, ODD, and IED. I get a lot of negativity wth him at home. Refusing to follow rules, not wanting to listen, trying to talk back, raging, throwing things, hurting his brother. It's tough.

Good luck. Try and make sure that you get some breaks, for yourself. It's very difficult and exhausting dealing with these issues.

I took him away for a week a few weeks ago and gave him no medication at all.. he was an absolute angel.. was not impulsive, rude, cheeky, we were away a week and I did not have to speak to him once ..... unbelievealbe.. i come back give him his medication and he is back to normal.... I know i have to change my way too... I have little patience and get frustrated so easy and tend to end up yelling or talking in a stern tone ... everything my mother did to me that I hate :):D
Anyway I look forward to the IEP information as I have to review it over the weekend.


Cheers :)

When you say "took him away for a week" do you mean physically living somewhere else like on holiday/vacation?

If so, you may also want to look into environmental factors related to allergies. Kids are SO susceptible to all of the garbage added to everything we use these days.
We always make a point to buy perfume and dye free laundry detergent, vitamins with little or no dye or preservatives in them, and every liquid they drink is checked to make sure it doesn't have any potential allergens in it.

You would be amazed at what can be in your home that your child is exposed to regularly that causes all sorts of unusual behaviors in kids.

I recall reading one account (from a forum or book) where the parents found out that something in their tap water that we all would consider normal or safe was causing their daughter all kinds of grief. She started drinking bottled water and the problem was solved after a couple of weeks of not being exposed any more.

Read the book: Allergies and the Hyperactive Child.

I read it years ago and have consistently worked to eliminate any manmade chemicals, dyes, perfumes, preservatives, and the like from our home.
We don't get crazy. They still eat their fare share of crap food on occasion. But you can really see a difference in tempermant when they do......