View Full Version : Suggested reading material for anxiety/mild OCD partner w/ ADD partner?


HiddenADDsGF
07-24-16, 01:10 AM
Maybe I'm a time bomb. I have anxiety (mostly sensory, some social) and mild OCD regarding cleanliness and order in response to feeling somewhat smothered, over stimulated, and as if I have an unending task list with alot of visual clutter, things out of their rightful places, and dirtiness. Yes, I'm working on it. It's really hard, but panic attacks are coming a lot less frequently than in unhappier times in my life.

My boyfriend has ADD. He was diagnosed and prescribed a young adult-adult medication as a child and reacted in a way he did lot like. After learning much later that the rx was wrongly given, he refused medication. Now, he is concerned that identifying this diagnosis on record will damage work reputation (apparently Uncle Sam doesn't care for lapses in attention or judgement), so he won't seek treatment, medication, or anything at all. Silently lives with it...which means I do too.

He's extremely intelligent. He intends to be the most respectful man in the world to me and my daughter. He loves us. He would be willing to try to fix anything...if he could only remember it was an issue, identify when the issue comes up, keep track of time.

He says he's slow to change. My past has me averse to slow change; I have never seen it in my formative relationships. Promises were followed by years of failure after failure and promise after promise over and over. One of those formative relationships ended with me putting the fail, promise, fail, promise listen to an end when I left a serial cheater husband. The other: I threatened to never speak to our let my father see his granddaughter again if he didn't get clean and stop hurting my mother. A month later, he was clean. After 25 years abusing me, a few months of abusing my mom, and too many abusing drugs and alcohol, he did a 180 on a dime to keep my daughter in his life. I don't trust our recognize slow change. I see no change in the almost three years I've spent in this relationship.

I feel awful for even feeling like these issues matter. He isn't beating me, using drugs, cheating on me. Frankly, he spoils the heck out of me compared to my life before him. He's wonderful. His brain is unbelievable in the knowledge it does hold. He has such a skill for budgeting, making informed purchase, and legal matters. He's helped me clean up my own credit and financial ruin that my ex-husband caused (having a secret second family causes some financial confusion and strain, btw). He's just incredible. He's supporting me while I save to pay off student loans and start a retirement/emergency fund. So, why do I still browse apartment listings, miss my old place with just me, my daughter, and our cat?

Because I'm exhausted. I work really hard and have a long commute (for our area, not long for many). When I get home, I cook, clean up all the dishes after cooking, homework and/or read with my daughter if we have her that week (50/50 custody) before bathing her and putting her to bed. I gather the glasses, mugs, bowls, plates, wrappers, flatware, papers, and whatever else he's left all over any flat surface and sort. He gets upset if I move papers. But papers everywhere are probably one of my worst apprehensions: important papers will get spilled on. I have mostly worked out a compromise with him that papers left lying around go on a basket for him. This seemed agreeable to begin with and sometimes is fine, but other times it makes him the closest to angry I've ever seen him. Maybe he forgets and remembers the agreement at random? Other agreements we've worked out are that I'll keep a laundry basket on the dryer to put his dry clothes into so I don't have such a hard time moving them to get to the dials and lint trap for a week or two before he remembers he washed because he doesn't like me folding things for him because he feels that it imfantalizes him. I never rest though. I never have down time. I don't have time to do the things I really enjoyed while I lived in my own place and my place was In Perfect Order (as Marie Kondo says) - no straightening because everything was always in order and in its place, just maintenance cleaning such as dust, vacuum, sweep, dishes. I don't have time to read books, watch movies, visit with friends much, crochet, etc. It almost feels like I'm following him around cleaning up what he leaves like the Tasmanian devil. I feel like I can't breathe with stuff out of place everywhere on top of the pretty eye-offending paint and paneling of the house from the previous owner anyway. So I run around until too late and don't get enough sleep and can't sleep anyway because my brain can't stop fretting about what needs to be done by when.

All this while, he spends hour after hour after hour every evening on the computer. I can't count the number of times we've talked about the amount of time he spends on the computer. He says again he changes slowly, but the time seems to only have increased. I make excuse to how it'll end: "the game just released a new whatever..." But it doesn't. As soon as we finish eating, he puts dirty dishes on the counter and heads to the computer until he's ready for bed. He plays a video fame and reads a lot of things on various subjects. He can read the internet all day not moving except to get food to bring back to the computer. I am extremely uncomfortable with confrontation, but I've forced myself to bring up these things that bother me with him. Once in attempt to respond, instead of going to his computer, he sat in the kitchen on a tablet for a few days which actually made me more upset. I'm upset by the amount of time that he spends on the computer because of a free reasons: if he would help me get things in order, maybe we could keep it that way and I wouldn't have to spend so much time picking up after him; if he wouldn't rush off to the computer as soon as he finished with one thing, maybe he could take a free mines to "complete the process" and put it away instead of leaving items strewn all over the house making more for me to clean; if he helped, I could rest and read sometimes; why doesn't he wasn't to hang out with me?

Then we have a lot of the other issues I've seen mentioned I what I've read around here tonight so far before joining: interruption of me talking and making me feel completely ignored, forgetting to keep lines of contract open so he's unreachable when needed or unreachable when I haven't heard from him, unmoderated tone when speaking with my daughter because he just thought of things in his own head and not how they'd seem to a child. And so on. The ones mentioned are the straining ones though.

I've been on and off medicine. I was on Zoloft for about four years while married to my cheating ex-husband. It made me numb, hence the repetitive forgiveness. And just moving on. I just spent a few months on welbutrin. It didn't help with this at all, and then coming off of it makes me extremely depressed, lethargic, self-harmful, and suicidal. Apart from this relationship stuff and avoiding one room in gyms, I do ok.i can usually take daily stuff in stride, but this cleanliness ave time imbalance in just taking over my body/energy, brain/thoughts, ave time.

He's hinted at proposing being in his ideas, at ring shopping, and he's very explicitly said gee feels we're moving toward marriage. I have communicated positively toward marriage at times and neutrally at other times. However, we have two trips coming up in the next 6.5 months, one of which is a week away. I'm scared to death he's going to propose to me on one of these. The first trip isn't a very romantic trip, necessarily, but it is about the thing that kind of brought us together. Do surgery is fair game for cute moments. I am going to hate myself if I can't answer, especially after he's made it so clear that's where he feels we're headed, and I've talked about it some in positive ways.

This whole thing is the reason I've restarted going to therapy. Who goes to therapy bc her boyfriend has ADD and she's scared of marriage? (I know he's not the only reason I'm terrified of marriage.)

I love him. He's so wonderful. I want another kid one day though, and I feel like being with him is already like having a pretty difficult one. I know he loves me more than anyone he's been with and truly believes me to be the best girl in the world. I want to go off with my daughter and just be us again, but I also want to be with him and make this work. And I want to be with him and just have everything go my way; I know that's selfish and unrealistic, but it's honest. I want to figure it out though. I've heard a few examples, but practically, nothing seems to be working. I don't know what to do. I don't know if my anxiety can live with his ADD. Help?:confused:

HiddenADDsGF
07-26-16, 12:39 PM
Oh dear. I wrote this late at night on my iphone, and it's riddled with typos. Sorry. :/

sarahsweets
07-30-16, 02:42 PM
My boyfriend has ADD. He was diagnosed and prescribed a young adult-adult medication as a child and reacted in a way he did lot like. After learning much later that the rx was wrongly given, he refused medication. Now, he is concerned that identifying this diagnosis on record will damage work reputation (apparently Uncle Sam doesn't care for lapses in attention or judgement), so he won't seek treatment, medication, or anything at all. Silently lives with it...which means I do too.

What record? Who would find out? They have HIPPA laws for a reason.

I feel awful for even feeling like these issues matter. He isn't beating me, using drugs, cheating on me. Frankly, he spoils the heck out of me compared to my life before him. He's wonderful. His brain is unbelievable in the knowledge it does hold. He has such a skill for budgeting, making informed purchase, and legal matters. He's helped me clean up my own credit and financial ruin that my ex-husband caused (having a secret second family causes some financial confusion and strain, btw). He's just incredible. He's supporting me while I save to pay off student loans and start a retirement/emergency fund. So, why do I still browse apartment listings, miss my old place with just me, my daughter, and our cat?
Just because you are being helped and having nice things done for you, doesnt mean you owe anyone anything. Gratitude is wonderful but it doesnt mean you cant still be unhappy.

Because I'm exhausted. I work really hard and have a long commute (for our area, not long for many). When I get home, I cook, clean up all the dishes after cooking, homework and/or read with my daughter if we have her that week (50/50 custody) before bathing her and putting her to bed. I gather the glasses, mugs, bowls, plates, wrappers, flatware, papers, and whatever else he's left all over any flat surface and sort. He gets upset if I move papers. But papers everywhere are probably one of my worst apprehensions: important papers will get spilled on. I have mostly worked out a compromise with him that papers left lying around go on a basket for him. This seemed agreeable to begin with and sometimes is fine, but other times it makes him the closest to angry I've ever seen him. Maybe he forgets and remembers the agreement at random? Other agreements we've worked out are that I'll keep a laundry basket on the dryer to put his dry clothes into so I don't have such a hard time moving them to get to the dials and lint trap for a week or two before he remembers he washed because he doesn't like me folding things for him because he feels that it imfantalizes him.
Interesting that you take care of so much but folding his laundry will make him feel like baby?

I never rest though. I never have down time. I don't have time to do the things I really enjoyed while I lived in my own place and my place was In Perfect Order (as Marie Kondo says) - no straightening because everything was always in order and in its place, just maintenance cleaning such as dust, vacuum, sweep, dishes. I don't have time to read books, watch movies, visit with friends much, crochet, etc. It almost feels like I'm following him around cleaning up what he leaves like the Tasmanian devil. I feel like I can't breathe with stuff out of place everywhere on top of the pretty eye-offending paint and paneling of the house from the previous owner anyway. So I run around until too late and don't get enough sleep and can't sleep anyway because my brain can't stop fretting about what needs to be done by when.

Some people can adapt and maybe learning to take it easy would help you. But if this much stress is being caused by things out of order, its important to decide if you can live like this even if nothing changes.

All this while, he spends hour after hour after hour every evening on the computer. I can't count the number of times we've talked about the amount of time he spends on the computer. He says again he changes slowly, but the time seems to only have increased. I make excuse to how it'll end: "the game just released a new whatever..." But it doesn't. As soon as we finish eating, he puts dirty dishes on the counter and heads to the computer until he's ready for bed. He plays a video fame and reads a lot of things on various subjects. He can read the internet all day not moving except to get food to bring back to the computer. I am extremely uncomfortable with confrontation, but I've forced myself to bring up these things that bother me with him. Once in attempt to respond, instead of going to his computer, he sat in the kitchen on a tablet for a few days which actually made me more upset. I'm upset by the amount of time that he spends on the computer because of a free reasons: if he would help me get things in order, maybe we could keep it that way and I wouldn't have to spend so much time picking up after him; if he wouldn't rush off to the computer as soon as he finished with one thing, maybe he could take a free mines to "complete the process" and put it away instead of leaving items strewn all over the house making more for me to clean; if he helped, I could rest and read sometimes; why doesn't he wasn't to hang out with me?

Theres a lot going on here, IMO he is using the computer as an escape from life, you, chores, work, stress, etc. He is replacing human contact with feelings and physical touching with technology. I can see why its an issue.
As far as doing all that other stuff you mentioned..he may not ever change. The fact that he is unmedicated I personally, would not accept. Whatever excuse he has for you, its not true. The truth is, he doesnt feel like taking action and appropriately treating the adhd. The trick is to figure out why.

He's hinted at proposing being in his ideas, at ring shopping, and he's very explicitly said gee feels we're moving toward marriage. I have communicated positively toward marriage at times and neutrally at other times. However, we have two trips coming up in the next 6.5 months, one of which is a week away. I'm scared to death he's going to propose to me on one of these. The first trip isn't a very romantic trip, necessarily, but it is about the thing that kind of brought us together. Do surgery is fair game for cute moments. I am going to hate myself if I can't answer, especially after he's made it so clear that's where he feels we're headed, and I've talked about it some in positive ways.

Whatever you do, do NOT say yes and do NOT get married- not now. There are so many issues going on it would be a mistake that gets very expensive to undo. Do not allow him to yell at your daughter if thats what your were talking about. He needs treatment and only you can give him bottom lines about that. Otherwise decide how much you are willing to put up with.


I love him. He's so wonderful. I want another kid one day though, and I feel like being with him is already like having a pretty difficult one. I know he loves me more than anyone he's been with and truly believes me to be the best girl in the world. I want to go off with my daughter and just be us again, but I also want to be with him and make this work. And I want to be with him and just have everything go my way; I know that's selfish and unrealistic, but it's honest. I want to figure it out though. I've heard a few examples, but practically, nothing seems to be working. I don't know what to do. I don't know if my anxiety can live with his ADD. Help?:confused:

If you are having so many doubts, its important to figure out why and how long you are willing to have them before taking action.

Little Missy
07-30-16, 02:47 PM
The last paragraph of the HIPPA law negates all of the aforementioned.

It's a drag, but it does.

TLCisaQT
07-31-16, 11:38 AM
Just reading your post I could honestly relate to a lot of what you wrote and my heart really did feel for you. I have felt many times that in our house it is like having 3 children in the sense of trying to keep a house clean and organized and when you have 1 cleaner vs. 4 making a mess you will ultimately fail at keeping up! Sarahsweets really did have the best feedback for you. And just loving someone doesn't make a relationship work - nor does admitting two lifestyles don't mesh make someone "bad." I agree though, do not make more plans for a future until these concerns are addressed and BOTH of you are on board towards a solution. I've been working on an issue similar to this and then some with my husband for 7 or so years and it's been and up and down roller coaster (even with meds) and it's still an uphill battle! I didn't know about his ADHD before we got married and it only got worse when kids came into the picture - who themselves have ADHD. - sounds like you going back into therapy will be helpful in processing what you also bring to the relationship and what you are willing to change or not change to make it work. Good luck

ToneTone
08-01-16, 01:51 PM
Supervisors don't have access to our medical records, so your partner is thinking irrationally. The medical plan administrators have access, but they are sworn under law not to disclose ...

But I understand that kind of thinking: I once delayed going to therapy because I didn't want to use my company's health insurance for fear that I would "look bad." Then, thank god, I got assigned to an office next to a woman who was going through a divorce. She talked openly about her therapy appointments and told her supervisors when she was going. Not a problem at all ...

By all means DO NOT get married under these conditions. Life only gets worse if a person is married ... By getting married, you would be signaling to him that you are OK with his behavior.

How much he "loves" you doesn't matter ... I know that sounds brutal and awful, but it doesn't. The question that matters is: Can you live with him under these conditions? ... Can he be a good partner to you? ...

The answer right now seems to be know. I have ADHD, and I would never partner with anyone who has a condition but is not getting treated for that condition ... If the person tries treatment and it doesn't work, that's one thing. But not even going for treatment, no ... and not seeking non-medical treatment even--no that's just asking for trouble to marry a person like that ...

Finally there's a basic illogic going on ... he says Uncle Sam doesn't care for people with attention issues ... Well, that's why he needs to get treatment!

Good luck.

Tone