View Full Version : I'm tired of being treated by people as if I have leprosy.


Lloyd_
07-28-16, 01:10 PM
I am not allowed to say what I am really thinking right now other than that I wish everyone on this planet famine, war, death and pestilence.

I feel physically ill and revolted right now when I think back to how this is how I've always been treated like and always will be treated like.

The best thing that could happen is if I find out I'm terminally ill and only have few months to live.

Then I can give a great big F U to this shi**y planet.

F IT ALL!!! :mad:

Fuzzy12
07-28-16, 02:02 PM
I'm sorry Lloyd you feel that way. I'm assuming that this includes your interactions on addf as well. I think we might have clashed in the past and we'd have clashed again yesterday or so if the relevant thread hadn't been closed before I could reply.

If this thread isn't about addf then huge apologies. If it is then I'm just wondering if people respond to you harshly, or maybe tend to.misunderstand you because you come across as rather prejudiced and resentful.

I could be totally wrong and if i am again i apologise. Anyway, even if people are treating you badly or unfairly for no reason don't let that ruin all your joy of life. I mean social interactions are just a part of life. they aren't everything.

Hoping things will get better for you soon!!!

Lloyd_
07-28-16, 05:24 PM
I'm sorry Lloyd you feel that way. I'm assuming that this includes your interactions on addf as well. I think we might have clashed in the past and we'd have clashed again yesterday or so if the relevant thread hadn't been closed before I could reply.

If this thread isn't about addf then huge apologies. If it is then I'm just wondering if people respond to you harshly, or maybe tend to.misunderstand you because you come across as rather prejudiced and resentful.

I could be totally wrong and if i am again i apologise. Anyway, even if people are treating you badly or unfairly for no reason don't let that ruin all your joy of life. I mean social interactions are just a part of life. they aren't everything.

Hoping things will get better for you soon!!!


Appreciate the kind words and no it wasn't anything you did, I'm just going through what many or most of you here on this forum do everyday. My inability to follow verbal directions, not paying attention and being socially aloof are very big problems that I have to where it affects my work and every aspect of my life. People don't have any faith in my ability to perform to par at their standard, my folks are concerned for my future for I'm at the age to where I should of found my mate by now.

It's been the same story, I'm ADD/LEARNING DISABLED!! This society wants me dead and reminds me everyday how worthless I am to them and it's my hatred and contempt for society that actually keeps me going and if it weren't for my hatred, I would of taken my life years ago but I only choose to go on because my hatred and contempt keeps me going, my hatred tells me to never give up and try to find a way to be more successful than they are if it's the last thing I ever do!

midnightstar
07-28-16, 05:30 PM
Are you seeking professional help for your hatred Lloyd? Hate only ever causes more pain (trust me on this, I been there with the hate thing and it only ever caused me more pain and the people my hate was directed at didn't care and forgot about how they hurt me)

Hate will only cause you more problems, the best "revenge" is saying (mentally) "stuff it" to the people you hate and moving on from whatever hurt you in any way you can :grouphug:

Lloyd_
07-28-16, 05:47 PM
Are you seeking professional help for your hatred Lloyd? Hate only ever causes more pain (trust me on this, I been there with the hate thing and it only ever caused me more pain and the people my hate was directed at didn't care and forgot about how they hurt me)

Hate will only cause you more problems, the best "revenge" is saying (mentally) "stuff it" to the people you hate and moving on from whatever hurt you in any way you can :grouphug:

Thanks for showing your empathy but tbh when I'm mad I always get even or my guardian fallen angel makes sure bad things happen to those who try to hurt me. Manifestation is a real thing and should be used against those who make our lives a living hell, they should all receive back x10 fold what they inflict upon us. ;)

No, I am not seeing a therapist. Hatred is a good thing, it has literally saved me from taking my own life in the past. It's what motivates me and gives me the passion to do better than those who want nothing more than to see me fail in life. :)

peripatetic
07-28-16, 07:44 PM
hi lloyd,

i certainly don't want you to feel excluded or unwanted. you're not unwanted, certainly.

i do have a question for you based on your posts in this thread. you say that people want to see you fail and that hatred is a good thing.

you talk about hatred quite a lot in this thread...have you considered that your enthusiasm for hatred and vengeance might be why people stay away or steer clear of you?

hatred is a very frightening thing to be around for some people. we're online and, only because this forum is a relatively "safe" place...we don't have people trying to maliciously hurt each other and set up a stage for that...there are sites that are a total free for all vicious... i don't feel wary over the internet, but reading the energy and praise you have for hatred, even in text, is unsettling to me. obviously i can be in the same forum, the same thread...etc. BUT, do you have that same fervor for hatred, that same passion for vengeance, that comes across in person?

if you do...i sincerely think that may be the key to your difficulties with interpersonal relationships. anger is one thing...but hatred...a desire for vengeance...when so impassioned...that's something else. that feels to me, i can't speak for any other persons, that feels unpredictable, volatile, hostile, aggressive...it feels all of these things that i try to minimize in my life because i know that i have been, due to illness, agitated at times, and when i am, that's when something is most likely to get damaged...when i or another would be most likely to get hurt...

hatred is destructive feeling and unsafe and untrustworthy to me. i am NOT saying that you are those things...but that's what i associate with hatred and thirst for vengeance.if i heard you say those things in a pub...i would keep my distance. if i heard you say those things and then approach me, i would be on alert.

in short: *do* you come off that way in person? do you say those things to people? even if you don't...if you're thinking those things (about the power of hatred and relentless pursuit of vengeance) walking around...maybe there's a tension and an energy that you're nonverbally communicating that is why relationships are challenging for you.

i'm sorry you're having a rough go of it, regardless, and hope you find some peace with your situation. -peri

Lloyd_
07-28-16, 08:33 PM
hi lloyd,

i certainly don't want you to feel excluded or unwanted. you're not unwanted, certainly.

i do have a question for you based on your posts in this thread. you say that people want to see you fail and that hatred is a good thing.

you talk about hatred quite a lot in this thread...have you considered that your enthusiasm for hatred and vengeance might be why people stay away or steer clear of you?

hatred is a very frightening thing to be around for some people. we're online and, only because this forum is a relatively "safe" place...we don't have people trying to maliciously hurt each other and set up a stage for that...there are sites that are a total free for all vicious... i don't feel wary over the internet, but reading the energy and praise you have for hatred, even in text, is unsettling to me. obviously i can be in the same forum, the same thread...etc. BUT, do you have that same fervor for hatred, that same passion for vengeance, that comes across in person?

if you do...i sincerely think that may be the key to your difficulties with interpersonal relationships. anger is one thing...but hatred...a desire for vengeance...when so impassioned...that's something else. that feels to me, i can't speak for any other persons, that feels unpredictable, volatile, hostile, aggressive...it feels all of these things that i try to minimize in my life because i know that i have been, due to illness, agitated at times, and when i am, that's when something is most likely to get damaged...when i or another would be most likely to get hurt...

hatred is destructive feeling and unsafe and untrustworthy to me. i am NOT saying that you are those things...but that's what i associate with hatred and thirst for vengeance.if i heard you say those things in a pub...i would keep my distance. if i heard you say those things and then approach me, i would be on alert.

in short: *do* you come off that way in person? do you say those things to people? even if you don't...if you're thinking those things (about the power of hatred and relentless pursuit of vengeance) walking around...maybe there's a tension and an energy that you're nonverbally communicating that is why relationships are challenging for you.

i'm sorry you're having a rough go of it, regardless, and hope you find some peace with your situation. -peri

I only have hatred towards those who wish to do harm or intentionally try to make my life more difficult than it already is. I have hatred for those who wish to prey upon my good will and emotional well being.

Hatred in that regards is a good thing if you know how to tap into it. It's as if I'm tapping into some 3rd person of my alter ego, my shadow self or even into something that entirely takes over and all pity, self doubt, fear and despair washes away. It is like going into 'super sayan' mode if you know what I mean. :D

I believe in learning how to tap into this is actually beneficial for people with ADD/ADHD, we tend to be human door mats for many people because we've been so beaten down by our circumstances that we cease in defending ourselves.

Hatred and anger is a good thing, it is what keeps us alive.

http://elitedaily.com/life/motivation/why-hating-people-can-be-good-soul/686185/

http://www.printfriendly.com/print/?source=homepage&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.goodtherapy.org%2Fblog%2Fwhy-feeling-anger-and-hate-is-all-good-0312144

peripatetic
07-28-16, 08:57 PM
Ok, I see. So you're venting frustration here/cutting loose and not coming off that way as a general modus operandi in life. That makes more sense.

I do see how any emotion could be tapped and I also agree that emotions are powerful stuff. My dear late friend was bp1/sza and you could've seen emotion coursing through his body at times. I guess I think of him though and see a need for balance that he really struggled to find himself and be content within. Such strong emotion IS powerful and for some can be intoxicating, you know.

Certainly a single absorbing emotion can focus a person and be a source of strength. But there's also strength in compassion and sadness and shame and so forth and when the last of those (and surely there are more examples of this...despair, grief...) become focused and powerful in a person, they can do great harm. I guess I'm just thinking how can it be possible to have such a flood of only one type of emotion. Like, you might tap that anger and vitriol, but do you think maybe having such strong emotions means all are potentially as strong? And what happens when you aren't trying to harness one of them and it overpowers you instead?

Esh had very strong and powerful emotions. When I see you talking about harnessing yours and the way you describe it...I'm glad your anger and hatred keeps you safe. I've watched it not work out that way when it turns inward and becomes self loathing.

I'm not espousing a vanilla dial tone life, emotionally or otherwise. I'm just saying, take care that it doesn't get away from you and I hope you feel other connecting communal emotions as vibrantly. When he felt strongest and most powerfully connected, it often alienated those around him. On the other hand, the strength of his despair made it impossible to connect when he needed to most. Both equally powerful, yet both making connecting meaningfully with others impossibly tough at times.

sarahsweets
07-29-16, 04:52 AM
How can you be sure that people have done you wrong and deserve your vengence? Or hatred? Do they know they have intentionally caused you pain? Are they aware of what you wish for them?

sarahsweets
07-29-16, 06:25 AM
Certainly a single absorbing emotion can focus a person and be a source of strength. But there's also strength in compassion and sadness and shame and so forth and when the last of those (and surely there are more examples of this...despair, grief...) become focused and powerful in a person, they can do great harm. I guess I'm just thinking how can it be possible to have such a flood of only one type of emotion. Like, you might tap that anger and vitriol, but do you think maybe having such strong emotions means all are potentially as strong? And what happens when you aren't trying to harness one of them and it overpowers you instead?
Thanks for this. It is helping me see a little more from another point of view. I guess my concern overall is that even if you can tap into the hatred and vengence and revenge, what do you do with it to protect yourself? I dont know about anyone else but for me, the energy it takes to be so upset plus me not knowing what to do with those feelings sends me over the edge. Plus there is much less room for love and emphathy when all that space is being occupied. I totally agree with you.

I'm glad your anger and hatred keeps you safe.
Can you explain what you mean by this? I can see how fear, danger,hyper-awareness, vigilance, etc can go towards safety but how does hate and anger keep someone safe?

sarahsweets
07-29-16, 06:26 AM
I am not allowed to say what I am really thinking right now other than that I wish everyone on this planet famine, war, death and pestilence.

I feel physically ill and revolted right now when I think back to how this is how I've always been treated like and always will be treated like.

The best thing that could happen is if I find out I'm terminally ill and only have few months to live.

Then I can give a great big F U to this shi**y planet.

F IT ALL!!! :mad:

Are you sure everyone is treating you poorly enough to wish these things on people?

peripatetic
07-29-16, 06:59 AM
Can you explain what you mean by this? I can see how fear, danger,hyper-awareness, vigilance, etc can go towards safety but how does hate and anger keep someone safe?

he said his hatred kept him from suicide, in the most blunt terms.

for me, something that offers the strength to endure and come out the other side alive...i get why that's a huge thing. i think there are other things that could fill that purpose, too. i know there are, in fact, i just can't say for him. but might not like hatred, but i don't begrudge anyone his life when he's not taking someone else's with it.

he said his anger kept him safe...from himself. i'm glad. and i can see how anger can propel a person. it was huge in me navigating grief for a long while.

anyway, yeah, i'm glad he's alive. he attributes it to hatred. i'm not questioning his experience or reporting of his lived experience, i'm just saying i'm glad it worked out. i can see the bottom line there from both sides. i get why you hold onto that. i also get how significant it is to be letting go.

i'm off to bed now, so hope that clarifies :)

kilted_scotsman
07-29-16, 11:00 AM
I can feel how scary it must be to be asked to let go of hatred and anger.

Think of yourself as in in dark water, you feel you have weights tied to your feet, but you can't see them. You are hanging on to some big balloons which are giving you the support to keep your head above water..... the balloons are hate and anger....

It makes no sense to let go of the balloons because the unseen weights will pull you under so you need to disentangle yourself from those unseen weights first.

This isn't something that's easy to do on your own..... professional help required.

acdc01
07-29-16, 02:47 PM
You need professional help Lloyd. When the only thing that keeps you from suicide is anger, you need help. Probably both in terms of medication and therapy.

Also, you talk about not finding a mate yet and not performing to standard and people that are mad at you about it. My guess is, the reason you feel so strongly about people feeling this way is because you yourself are unhappy at your own performance and at not finding a mate yet. I know for myself, I've specifically been told that certain persons don't like me and think I'm an idiot cause I have this spaced out look when they were talking to me and I had to have them repeat what they said a couple times like a dunce. Yet their comments are only mildly annoying - cause I'm secure enough in my own intelligence so their comments cannot change how I feel.

Don't feel like you have to live up to societies standards. You don't. The only thing you need to do is to be happy in life and find happiness in yourself. That means living up to your own standards, standards that can and should vary from what society demands. Get a professional to help you figure out how you can achieve this cause it's extremely hard to figure this out on our own and you have not been having any luck so far. I suspect if you figure out how to do this, your anger at others will lessen and when it lessens, other people will most likely start to like you more and your adhd symptoms may actually decrease as negative emotions always increase the severity of our symptoms. Decreased symptoms may improve performance. So you'll be in a positive snowball effect instead of a negative one.