View Full Version : Back Again - Insight / Help Needed


Mittens
08-01-16, 06:26 AM
I haven't posted much in forever, but I got nothin' and would appreciate any nuggets of wisdom....

I apologize now if this comes out long and longwinded / jumps around.

About 3 months ago my husband (who has confirmed ADD and has successfully been on Concerta since diagnosis) stopped taking his medication due to his having an adverse reaction as well as problems with energy levels and drastic mood deregulation. Hubby finally went to ask his doctor, and turns out he has an underactive thyroid, which also drastically effects his concerta treatment.

Hubby's family doctor won't add the concerta back in until his thyroid is stable (which will take anywhere from 4-6 months).....

I am desperate...

It's become an automatic reaction to apologize... inevitably I will say or do or not say or not do the right thing in his mind... He goes from 0 to livid in .2 seconds with no rationality. I am currently off work on disability, so he has been carrying the load financially, so each time he is displeased he tells me how he will buy the house from under me / will leave me homeless and I should better prepare / etc etc... and this reaction comes out of nowhere the majority of the time.

Hubby has always been very emotionally volatile, but this is a whole new level - he has become blatantly vicious, aggressive, venomous, and extremely irrational.

I have hid basically any emotions from him, as best I can, as he can't deal with it and gets very overwhelmed..

The last 1-1.5 years has been great (and he worked phenomenally hard to make it that way) up until this came up...

There are absolutely no boundaries... When he gets upset he says deplorable things, threatens me financially, and loses all sense of rationality....

I don't know what to do.... I try as much as I can to not engage with him, and deal with the hurt and other emotions in private...

Today was my 31st birthday, and I don't think he didn't forget about it, but it seemed like he just didn't really care. I told him I hoped him and I could watch a movie together or do something to spend time together today, and from something or other he ended up extremely angry and malicious, and the entire day ended up being ruined.... I think a lot had to do with a friend of mine getting me a very thoughtful card and flowers, and he felt guilty.... I could be wrong - however currently it's not something he would be able to answer at the moment anyhow.... so I ended up ending the day crying and writing this...

I am fearful that he will end up doing irreparable damage, and our marriage ceases to exist... I love him more than the world, and my heart aches to see him go through this. It is horrendous to watch - I can only imagine what it would be like to live through it....If I could take his pain and suffering away, I would in a New York minute.....

I don't know how to make it until he is able to get everything sorted out so we can start making progress again...

Absolutely any advice would be greatly appreciated...

My hubby is truly an amazing man, and he has one of the biggest hearts I have ever seen. One of the many things I love about him is how sensitive and sweet he can be, his creativity, and how adorably soft hearted he is - it absolutely makes my soul smile.

I don't know the man he is right now... and that terrifies me.

I'm very sorry if I repeat myself or conversely or if this doesn't make sense.

I am at a loss.

Any pearls of wisdom / insight / advice would be greatly appreciated

Thank you,
Mittens

sarahsweets
08-01-16, 07:11 AM
He is already doing irreparable damage. I feel very strongly that you need to make some very serious decisions. There is no way that this is acceptable no matter if it's related to adhd or not. I'm at the doctors now but plan on revisiting this when I get home.
Keep your chin up.

Lunacie
08-01-16, 11:58 AM
Wacky thyroid can mimic ADHD. It can also cause mood swings and anxiety.

Yes, it can take several months after starting treatment for all the symptoms to abate.

However, improvement can usually be seen within a week or two. You can try to hang on that long and see how things are going. :grouphug:

spamspambacon
08-01-16, 01:23 PM
Hubby's family doctor won't add the concerta back in until his thyroid is stable (which will take anywhere from 4-6 months).....

I am desperate...

Mittens

Can you make an appointment with the doc, and go in and talk to him/her about the problem from your perspective?

When I look at this issue from a distance, I see this as a medical problem you would bring up to the family doc, just as you would bring up your own issues of anxiety, depression, etc...

I'm curious to know if the doc is aware of the emotional roller coaster nightmare you're riding right now and if there's something that could be done sooner, rather than later....:grouphug:

ToneTone
08-01-16, 01:42 PM
I totally endorse the idea of either going with him to the doctor or scheduling an appointment yourself with his doctor ... The doctor needs to know the "symptoms" going off the meds have activated ... and the doctor is likely NOT getting that from your hubby.

You have the right to draw the line ... we are responsible for our behavior ... despite whatever condition we have ... we have complex brain ... brains that can under-function in some ways but still step back and see the under-functioning.

You really want to stand up for yourself, because like Sarah said, he has already done damage to the marriage. Threatening to kick you out of the house? ... That's beyond the pale ...

I say call his doctor immediately ... and report what's going on ... The doctor needs to know ... The doctor may be playing it safe by keeping him off Concerta and he's not aware of the impact ... Perhaps your hubby can go another class of meds, like the Amphetamine class ... with Adderall and Vyvanse ... or another calming med like prozac or zoloft ...

Good luck. So sorry you are going through this.

Tone

Pilgrim
08-01-16, 08:30 PM
Is the reason for his behaviour the lack of meds or the other thing?

BellaVita
08-01-16, 09:27 PM
Mittens, glad to have you back. But I'm sad to hear the situation you are faced with. :grouphug:

This part disturbs me:
...become an automatic reaction to apologize... inevitably I will say or do or not say or not do the right thing in his mind... He goes from 0 to livid in .2 seconds with no rationality. I am currently off work on disability, so he has been carrying the load financially, so each time he is displeased he tells me how he will buy the house from under me / will leave me homeless and I should better prepare / etc etc... and this reaction comes out of nowhere the majority of the time.

This is not okay.

I don't care how angry he is - a loving husband should NEVER threaten those sorts of things.

You need to feel safe. These type of threats will probably wreck you emotionally if they haven't already - you deserve to feel safe and protected in your own home.

I think it's important that you have a back-up plan, in case he really does kick you out. Or tries to. Perhaps let a close friend or family member know that you're going through a difficult time and that you might need a back-up place to stay.

My heart breaks for you. You don't deserve this treatment. I don't care if he has x y z condition he shouldn't be treating you this way.

I guess it gives some hope the fact that the Ritalin worked for quite a while - that's something to hold on to. But don't be okay with getting mistreated until he's back on it.

I don't really know what to say - other than keep venting here, keep talking - and hopefully some of the other members here will offer some advice.

spamspambacon
08-02-16, 07:34 AM
Mittens, glad to have you back. But I'm sad to hear the situation you are faced with. :grouphug:

This part disturbs me:


This is not okay.

I don't care how angry he is - a loving husband should NEVER threaten those sorts of things.

You need to feel safe. These type of threats will probably wreck you emotionally if they haven't already - you deserve to feel safe and protected in your own home.

I think it's important that you have a back-up plan, in case he really does kick you out. Or tries to. Perhaps let a close friend or family member know that you're going through a difficult time and that you might need a back-up place to stay.

My heart breaks for you. You don't deserve this treatment. I don't care if he has x y z condition he shouldn't be treating you this way.

I guess it gives some hope the fact that the Ritalin worked for quite a while - that's something to hold on to. But don't be okay with getting mistreated until he's back on it.

I don't really know what to say - other than keep venting here, keep talking - and hopefully some of the other members here will offer some advice.

Ditto.

I would also add this: people don't threaten to do things they have not already thought of doing.

kilted_scotsman
08-02-16, 03:15 PM
There's something odd going on here that's going beyond the ADHD and thyroid issues.

If your partner is this different when he is off meds there is some form of issue with self-identity.... what I mean by this is that he is unable to self-observe and unable to listen and trust you enough to realise that he is acting in a way he would not like if he was able to observe himself.

There are two words that cover this....

ego-syntonic..... this is when a person believes their thoughts and actions are logical and reasonable If our thoughts and actions are appropriate to our environment that's great, however if they are not appropriate to the environment, something is interfering with psychological functioning, which can be mild or go all the way to full delusion/psychosis.

ego-dystonic..... this is when a person acts or thinks in a way that they know is not appropriate to their environment but they were unable to alter their behaviour... the "I don't know what came over me" thing....

Your husband sounds like he's well into the problematic range of ego-syntonia.... if he is showing ego-dystonia afterwards that's actually a good sign..... if there's not, you need to get down to your Dr and talk about this urgently.

I suspect he's been holding things together for a while and now the cracks have appeared. What you are seeing may be the outward signs of an internal battle between different parts of his subconscious psyche, compounded by hormonal regulation issues and psychoactive medication.... not a good combination.

I can quite understand your doctor wanting him off Concerta to observe him unmedicated and test thyroid function without interference from stimulants. What you may now be seeing is his "natural" way of being right now.... which is beyond just being ADHD.

My advice is to get yourself an appt with a Dr and talk about this.... you need solid professional advice that's about you and your needs, not all about him and his needs.

Mittens
08-04-16, 08:21 PM
Thank you so much so everyone who has taken the time to comment and write to me - i appreciate more than you know right now.
I'm on my mobile right now (since my last post it's been very... volatile) but i will respond if i get a chance to sneak on my laptop later tonight, and fill in about how the dr's visit went (i booked singularly) and what he recommended / explained. It made a lot make sense... didn't / doesn't make it even remotely okay, but it helps....

I can't say enough how much it means to be able to write here and have people totally get the temporary insanity. This forum has been my rock for a number of reasons for a number of years now <3
Y'all are amazing.
Thank you.
Hope everyone is a wonderful day, and if you're haven't had a reason to smile today, please at all.costs make one :)
Mittens

Mittens
08-09-16, 01:40 AM
Okay. Phew.
Apologies for the delay of this response - it's been a doozy..

I want to stress (to those that don't know Tester) that normally he is one of the most gentle hearted and sweetest men I have ever met. This man would move heaven and earth for me... Yes, he's always had a volatile temper (obviously in part due to the ADD) and is quite emotionally driven, but one thing he is not, is what is going on right now....

He's always been like a flash flame - burns very suddenly, very brightly, then burns out quickly. He has *never* been cold, calculating, and just... malicious. Like, truly malicious... It's completely thrown me off.....

Unfortunately I am kind of spoiled for choice in the past 3 months of examples that are so completely out of character for him.... telling me that I am lazy (I am off on disability for 2 major autoimmune disease, both of which effect muscles - up too and including my heart / lungs / throat), that I do nothing, (I worked 2 jobs for 2 years while he was setting up his business and single handedly supported our household and my mom's), that I make dinner too late (and get suuuuper upset if I am running late with dinner) and every fight (hell, it feels like any interaction) ends in him going to get separation papers done up.... then typically the next day he acts like it never happened...

This is not my husband.... This is so far removed from my husband it's very scary..... Whenever he comes home my heart immediately starts racing and I just... freeze... I know that anything I say will be wrong, and it'll perpetuate a fight.

I have tried extremely hard to focus on not engaging.... He will come at me with a venomous lob, and I will respond with "I'm very sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now, I love you very much..."....
Unfortunately that typically elicits a pretty nasty response, and so I try not to respond at all, or respond with the same phrase....

Anyhow.....

So I made an apt with my doctor, and we talked for almost 2 hours....
If I am 100% honest, with how ugly things have been, the outcome of this conversation had a lot of weight behind it...

On the bright side, the intense anger and depression is indeed his thyroid, and it is magnified massively by the ADD coupled with not being medicated at all due to his regular Concerta causing a totally adverse and horrible reaction due to his thyroid.

ugh...

As my doctor said, it's basically "the perfect storm" of a total and complete sh!tshow....

I am not going to get into it, but a year ago my mom moved in with us, and he has convinced himself that the root of all evil / every problem in his life is my mom...
Don't get me wrong - there are definitely some issues there, but it bounces between my mom and me as to who is to blame for world hunger and the price of rice in china....

Also on the bright side, it has been long enough that little slivers of my husband are beginning to show through, and that gives me great hope... And honestly, thank God, because I don't know how much longer I could do this.... Don't get me wrong, his dr started him off on a VERY low, conservative dose that he flat out said they will be increased, just a matter of how much and when. Crappy thing is they can only do adjustments every 6 weeks, because that is how long it takes for the medication to show up in the blood work....
*face palm*
*head against brick wall*
*full out sprint into the side of the Great Wall of China*
.........
So that's tough.... he isn't going to be taking his concerta until this thyroid stables out....
It's going to be a very rough next while.....

I am so thankful that it truly is his thyroid that is causing the anger and depression, and its not like some secret identity he's been stashing away like Jekyl and Dr Hyde...

So that's about that......

I miss my husband......

My nerves are pretty much fried from being on constant 'red alert' and 'flight'......
I have maxed out my hours for a psychologist for this year, so here's hoping ......

Unfortunately that also means that y'all may be hearing from me a lot more frequently......

Thank you so much for taking the time to read all this, and if you have responded, I greatly appreciate it.....

I have always received so much support, so many helpful strategies, and so much amazing advice from this forum - I don't know what I would do without you guys sometimes.. So many have taken the time to help me understand 'the other side', and I by no means have it mastered, but it has really helped me to try to understand from Tester's point of view.

My heart just aches to see him like this... I just so wish I could do something to take away his pain :( :'( I couldn't even fathom what it is like dealing with all that....

At any rate....

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

-Soggy Mittens
(We've had rainiest summer in the last 50 years - which means constant thunder storms in our neck of the woods :) )

Lunacie
08-09-16, 09:32 AM
I'm so glad the doctor was willing to take the time to answer your questions and explain what your hubby is dealing with. Not all doctors will do that. :yes:

I have tried extremely hard to focus on not engaging.... He will come at me with a venomous lob, and I will respond with "I'm very sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now, I love you very much..."....

I'm trying to figure out why that bothers me. Unsure ...

I've loved reading the Love and Logic books. The author recommends saying something like "I love you too much to argue."

Maybe the difference is that with the first one, you're placing the responsibility on him, which is usually a good thing, but right now he's totally overwhelmed by the malfunctioning thyroid AND the untreated ADHD.

With the second one, you're just saying what YOU will or won't do.

Mittens
08-09-16, 08:09 PM
I'm so glad the doctor was willing to take the time to answer your questions and explain what your hubby is dealing with. Not all doctors will do that. :yes:



I'm trying to figure out why that bothers me. Unsure ...

I've loved reading the Love and Logic books. The author recommends saying something like "I love you too much to argue."

Maybe the difference is that with the first one, you're placing the responsibility on him, which is usually a good thing, but right now he's totally overwhelmed by the malfunctioning thyroid AND the untreated ADHD.

With the second one, you're just saying what YOU will or won't do.

That's a really great point... it hadn't even crossed my mind to think of it from that point of view.

I really, really like "I love you too much to argue", and that it reinforces positivity / support, like, it's okay, despite what's going on, you are still loved...
I'm not sure if that made any sense, but thank you. I honestly can't say i would have seen it that way, and that difference might (hopefully) be received more positively.

You guys are awesome.

-Mittens

ToneTone
08-10-16, 04:36 PM
Also the first statement doesn't acknowledge your pain and the inappropriateness of what he is doing, condition or no condition.

The second ... in saying "I love you too much to argue" includes the recognition that I would like to argue ... that I don't feel good about your comments, that I want to respond harshly to you, but I'm choosing not to.

The second one acknowledges YOUR reality and your pain MUCH much more! ... While still allowing you not to lash out.

Vote here for the second one.

Tone

sarahsweets
08-17-16, 02:27 AM
Unfortunately I am kind of spoiled for choice in the past 3 months of examples that are so completely out of character for him.... telling me that I am lazy (I am off on disability for 2 major autoimmune disease, both of which effect muscles - up too and including my heart / lungs / throat), that I do nothing, (I worked 2 jobs for 2 years while he was setting up his business and single handedly supported our household and my mom's), that I make dinner too late (and get suuuuper upset if I am running late with dinner) and every fight (hell, it feels like any interaction) ends in him going to get separation papers done up.... then typically the next day he acts like it never happened...

This is not my husband.... This is so far removed from my husband it's very scary..... Whenever he comes home my heart immediately starts racing and I just... freeze... I know that anything I say will be wrong, and it'll perpetuate a fight.

Regardless of everything, this is a stressful way to live. You have obviously tried to hold it together physically and emotionally and its time for him to have a turn at it. Sometimes when people know they are lacking in certain areas they lash out and project it on to loved ones.

I have tried extremely hard to focus on not engaging.... He will come at me with a venomous lob, and I will respond with "I'm very sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now, I love you very much..."....
Unfortunately that typically elicits a pretty nasty response, and so I try not to respond at all, or respond with the same phrase....

Yes but, you are acknowledging his pain and what is he acknowledging about yours?- not much.

I am not going to get into it, but a year ago my mom moved in with us, and he has convinced himself that the root of all evil / every problem in his life is my mom...
Don't get me wrong - there are definitely some issues there, but it bounces between my mom and me as to who is to blame for world hunger and the price of rice in china....

This is very important and it doesnt matter if its based in fact or not- he obviously has some resentments about you taking care of your mom. He needs to work through that before it becomes a 'her or me' kind of situation.

Themiddle
08-20-16, 07:26 PM
I haven't been here in ages, but your post really tugged at my heart. Thyroid issues! Nobody really understands until they or someone they love experiences it. A doctor once put it, you won't recognize her for awhile. Oh boy! How true!!

Lots of love and hugs to you!

Mittens
10-15-16, 07:46 PM
Wow.
Oh, wow....

I am going to apologize now, this might not make sense and may end up being more of a vent / therapeutic type rambling......

The good / great news, is that the thyroid medication is starting to work... For the purposes of this, I'll refer to Good Tester (meaning himself normally) and Bad Tester (what he becomes between his thyroid being unbalanced and being off his ADD medication)....

Good Tester and I were able to spend 2 weeks away from home together (I tagged along for a work trip) and it was absolutely awesome. I would say 80% of the time he was himself, and the 20% he was aggressive I would typically be able to recognize the warning signs and head it off...

We come home, and he absolutely loses his mind....

It's a long story, but the shortened version is that his teenage (almost 18 year old) son was keeping some pop in my moms room to ensure no one would drink it on him (pop in our house is a treat and not something that is routinely kept in the fridge, and his dad can drink half a case of pop watching a show without even realizing it).. the deal was that was no problem, but just to ask or let my mom know if he was going into her room to grab any (just as a general respect and privacy rule).

The other night my mom saw my stepson coming out of her room, and asked him to please ask when he goes into her room for something, as the rule has always been....

I have no idea even now (2 days later) what the step-son said to Tester, but Tester lost his *mind*. He screamed (in front of my step-son, who other than looking like he wanted to cry did not say a single word throughout this, despite being seated right next to Tester) at me all kinds of things.. How horrible a person my mom is, how that's it - he's "kicking her to the curb" and how he doesn't care if she's homeless, etc etc.... I just took it and did my best to stay calm so I could diffuse the bomb.....

On top of this, my step-son is completely capitalizing on Tester's instability and has managed to get out of all of the very few choirs he has, as well as disregarded pretty much every house rule that is convenient (ie. water only in bedrooms - so of course that meant bringing in pop and snacks to his bedroom), etc etc.

Normally my step-son is the world's sweetest kid with the biggest heart that both my mom and I are very close with - I have no idea what is even going through his head... I can only think he's got hormones going on overdrive......

Since then, he has so completely fixated on this and added me under the Root-of-All-Evil-Incarnate umbrella, he is now telling me all about how he is filing for divorce on Monday, I'm all kinds of unflattering things, yelling absolutely appalling things about my Mom, and meanwhile texting me how (despite him being the one to convince me my health was more important than money, and to focus on my body's disease / getting healthy instead of worrying about working right now) he is going to buy the house from under me, I won't last 2 months before I will lose the house, he hates me, etc etc etc.... at one point, I was heating up my coffee, and I assume because I wasn't yelling or returning his behavior or maybe to be intimidating, he took both his hands and shook the microwave and entire microwave stand unit. with it.. then proceeded to watch me clean out the entire microwave of my coffee that spilt everywhere.....

I'm at a loss.....

I just keep agreeing and telling him that I love him too much to continue this conversation right now.....

As we speak, he is repeatedly texting me (I stopped checking or responding a while ago because it's just escalating and getting more and more deplorable...)

I don't know what to do.... I'm sorry this might not make any sense, I'm just not sure where or how else I can safely express this right now....

To add, work has been really crazy for him the last while so he hasn't seen his youngest son in a while.... when he picked him up on Friday, I didn't acknowledge the previous nights events and suggested for him to go for dinner and to see a movie with his youngest so he got some good, quality 'dad time' before coming here for the weekend, and that was fine.... and now he's still here in the middle of all of this going on with Tester..... It absolutely breaks my heart....

Tester, as himself, is an AMAZING man - he is kind, sweet, a business genius, funny, thoughtful, etc etc... He truly, 100% is.... I have no idea who this man is... I truly just want my husband back, and I honestly thought we were already past the worst..... I guess that I was wrong....

I can't seem to calm myself down / stop shaking like a leaf (as pathetic as that sounds)... I am scared to go for a walk or drive just to get some calm because I don't know what he'll say or how he will treat my Mom if I am not here.... I don't mean violence, I mean that in his current 'state of mind' I could see him throwing all her stuff on the lawn or something ridiculous like that....

I hope this does not come across as bashing or trashing Tester - I married him and he genuinely is a phenomenal man.... I just don't know how to handle this.....

I have been doing some research, and it does seem that thyroid issues + non medicated ADD = BAD, BAD, BAD things and pretty much 100% complete mood deregulation....

Unfortunately its great to read the academics, but only talk about the subject, not how to deal with the affected person.....

I'm so sorry that this is so long and rambly, if it doesn't make a lick of sense, or anything else....

Thank you for reading, and thank you to all the absolutely amazing people on this forum - there truly is so many that have ADD and take the time to help NT like me to understand... I can't say how much I appreciate it...

Anyhow..

Hope everyone is having a better Saturday....

-Heartbroken Mittens

Lunacie
10-15-16, 08:17 PM
:grouphug:

I've always been on Tester's side of the situation so I don't really have any advice. I'm just glad to hear that things have been improving and hope they get back on track again.

20thcenturyfox
10-16-16, 01:30 AM
I guess I've been lurking on this thread, concerned about what the OP was describing, wondering what is really going on, and of course wishing it would turn out to be as temporary as she was hoping back at the beginning.

But now two and a half months have passed, and it's obvious that both the OP and her husband are trying to cope with some significant health problems, likely also marital and financial problems, whilst there are are also some pretty big complicating family dynamics that are swirling around and perhaps seizing this moment to clamour for attention. This has got to be putting terrible pressure on just about everybody.

One of the problems with Mittens trying to hold it all together and postpone her own needs, hoping things will go back to the way they were in some earlier period, is that this may not be realistic anymore for one or more of the other people involved.

The burdens and pressures this family is under are real and have been piling up. There's a wife off work on disability, enduring whatever dislocations to her career and support network this may entail. There's a mother-in-law living there on terms that may have been agreed to before all this happened. There are children from another marriage with needs and demands they are eager to triangulate. And now, while I gather the husband carries on as the sole support of this menage-a-combien, his hormones are running off with his neurotransmitters! Maybe something does have to change, either temporarily or permanently.

Whatever venom may accompany the initial threats of a separation or divorce I don't see the purpose of postponing opening this up for rational discussion, preferably outside the home, but not necessarily. In fact, I would even say that avoiding talking about it actually enhances its value as a threat and a disrupter.

Far from suggesting a separation is a good solution, I'm thinking that getting this topic out of the private realm of a couple's argument and into the public realm (where the state has a good deal to say about who can stay in the house, what maintenance will be provided, etc) probably holds little appeal for someone who is losing control over himself and wishing to assert control over his family by making threats the state would not let him carry out. On the other hand, if he has been considering this for awhile, and is just not very smooth in bringing it up, well, you need to know that, too.

And, last (since I see I'm going on much too long) does OP have some kind of voice recorder app on her phone that she could use to record some of these aggressive exchanges? Recording has a few other benefits than just being for airing dirty laundry. One is that at some point in his recovery her husband should hear himself...because I doubt he will remember or admit to these lapses. The most subtle benefit, though, is the increased sense of control and detachment that recording often gives to the "victim" of the aggression. Mitten, you may end up never making any use of the recordings, but when you are recording I predict you will not feel so lost and alone.

Either way, I get that this is a dark time in your marriage and your life. I wish you the courage to change what can be changed, and the wisdom to keep moving toward the light.

BellaVita
10-16-16, 03:00 AM
Mittens :grouphug: I really don't know what to say, but I did read your entire post, and I'm sorry you are going through such an awful time.

That sounds really scary to go through.

I wish you peace - somehow.

Mittens
02-10-17, 01:35 PM
Well, I am absolutely ecstatic to say that as of beginning of January, Tester was able to start the concerta again and it has made SUCH a massively ginormous difference, I can't even put into words....

I have my husband back!!!

There were a *LOT* of happy tears.

The last year was probably the hardest of my life, and thankfully (due to maxing out my hours of counseling) I have been able to separate him as the man I know and love from the man from the last year - there are still the leftover feelings and psychological / emotional ... bad stuff leftover, but there isn't any blame or resentment, which feels really good to be able to say. Yes, those will have to be dealt with, but we will deal with them as a unit / team on the same side, if that makes any sense? I apologize, I am horrible at articulating things.

It's like an incredible sigh of relief / finally being able to exhale from desperately holding my breath, and the entire experience really gave me a new appreciation for Tester and everything he is (as himself). He is such an amazing man <3

Thank you everyone for being so supportive and so amazing and always providing such great support and advice <3

-A Very Hopeful And Happy Mittens :D :D

20thcenturyfox
02-10-17, 03:03 PM
That's great to hear, even if it's terrible it took so long and caused such heartache in your family. Don't be surprised if some of the hurts on all sides have left misunderstandings or mistrust that takes more patience and persistence to work through. But hopefully you now have a capable and committed partner to work with.

And how about your own situation, Mittens? I think you were struggling with your own disability and unemployment at the same time as your husband was becoming erratic, putting terrible pressure on all of you. I hope you are also getting some relief on both fronts.

Again, though, great news, and thanks for getting back to us.

dvdnvwls
02-10-17, 03:58 PM
There are a lot of other things going right for you and him now, things that might matter just as much as concerta or even more. Not necessarily in public, try to clarify for yourself what they all are. It may show you things you need to know, now or in the future.

Mittens
02-18-17, 02:45 PM
There are a lot of other things going right for you and him now, things that might matter just as much as concerta or even more. Not necessarily in public, try to clarify for yourself what they all are. It may show you things you need to know, now or in the future.

Could you please elaborate?

I'm not sure if I'm getting it, but I know my mind has shifted since all this has transpired. I have scaled back and if I start to get wound up by little things, I ask myself if this really will matter in a week? A month? A year? If not, it's not worth the stress in my head, and not worth the stress of me bringing it up to Tester. I'm not sure if it's a case of 'you don't know what you got till it's gone, but I am trying to focus on all the positives and center around that, and since then Tester has been much more open minded and has instigated really constructive talking / asking questions about how I am feeling / what is going through my mind - which is a hugely amazing thing.

I apologize for needing clarification, I can be kind of dense.

Tester is still traveling a lot for work, but when he's home we've been focusing on spending the time positively, and enjoying each other's company, kind of letting the 'life's stress' and other inconsequential things fall to the side, if that makes sense? I'm horrible at articulating, and I'm not trying to convey we are just ignoring issues, but we deal with things as they come up and as both of us are ready as opposed to trying to force things and add that constant pressure.

As always, thank you so much for reading and responding.

Mittens

Mittens
02-18-17, 02:51 PM
That's great to hear, even if it's terrible it took so long and caused such heartache in your family. Don't be surprised if some of the hurts on all sides have left misunderstandings or mistrust that takes more patience and persistence to work through. But hopefully you now have a capable and committed partner to work with.

And how about your own situation, Mittens? I think you were struggling with your own disability and unemployment at the same time as your husband was becoming erratic, putting terrible pressure on all of you. I hope you are also getting some relief on both fronts.

Again, though, great news, and thanks for getting back to us.

What really resonated with me about this was "having a committed partner" - my health is a constant battle, and there is all kinds of stuff going on, but with Tester beside me and on the same page, it allows me to have the strength to deal with that. Trust is going to take time, but that's okay. The world isn't going to end tomorrow if we don't solve everything overnight, and God knows he doesn't need the pressure of being overwhelmed. I'm focusing on taking things day by day, and that seems to have really helped both of us.

It's going to take work to get back to a great place with us, but together we have never been afraid of hard work or accomplishing things that may seem insurmountable. I know that sounds cheesy, but that is truly how it feels. If that makes sense?

Mittens
02-19-17, 02:51 AM
Crap. I double posted from my phone, sorry about that.

Mittens
02-19-17, 03:01 AM
Any thoughts / advice on how I can try to make this easier on Tester?

I try really hard to not bring it up, and let him steer the boat so to speak.. He's a very sweet, sensitive man and I can't even begin to fathom the guilt and self loathing he feels... when he does bring it up, I try to really emphasize that there is no blame and no resentment, and his thyroid crashing (and any subsequent effects / situations / actions) is *not* his fault - i know that is grossly easier said than done, and this is as much 'learning as we go' for me as it is for him, and as such want to make sure I am not making things worse or contributing any negativity to him....

On his own, he has started to ask me how I feel and asks me to talk about things... sometimes i am ready, sometimes i am not, but i just try to emphasize no matter what, there is no pressure. I know pressure is the equivalent to pouring gasoline on a fire for him, and that is the last thing I want - and really, leftover feelings will still be there tomorrow, and I can't see any positives or constructive anything that would come from forcing the issue. That he is asking me about my feelings in and of itself is pretty huge for me and to me says that despite the pain of bringing it up, he is trying his damnedest... if that makes any sense..

Is this the right approach? Am I supporting and respecting him / his feelings in the best way?

Thank you,
Mittens

Mittens
02-19-17, 03:36 AM
There are a lot of other things going right for you and him now, things that might matter just as much as concerta or even more. Not necessarily in public, try to clarify for yourself what they all are. It may show you things you need to know, now or in the future.

I apologize for all the spam posts, but I keep coming back to this....

Tester, as a person and nothing to do with ADD, has so many amazing qualities... he's an incredible man. Having him back is indescribable and fantastic for all kinds of reasons - and gave me a new appreciation for all that he is, and what makes him who he is.... With my own mind, everyday small crap seems so much less consequential now...

I'm sorry for all the back to back posts again, my mind is still reeling (but this time in a positive way).

sarahsweets
02-19-17, 06:34 AM
Any thoughts / advice on how I can try to make this easier on Tester?

I try really hard to not bring it up, and let him steer the boat so to speak.. He's a very sweet, sensitive man and I can't even begin to fathom the guilt and self loathing he feels... when he does bring it up, I try to really emphasize that there is no blame and no resentment, and his thyroid crashing (and any subsequent effects / situations / actions) is *not* his fault - i know that is grossly easier said than done, and this is as much 'learning as we go' for me as it is for him, and as such want to make sure I am not making things worse or contributing any negativity to him....

On his own, he has started to ask me how I feel and asks me to talk about things... sometimes i am ready, sometimes i am not, but i just try to emphasize no matter what, there is no pressure. I know pressure is the equivalent to pouring gasoline on a fire for him, and that is the last thing I want - and really, leftover feelings will still be there tomorrow, and I can't see any positives or constructive anything that would come from forcing the issue. That he is asking me about my feelings in and of itself is pretty huge for me and to me says that despite the pain of bringing it up, he is trying his damnedest... if that makes any sense..

Is this the right approach? Am I supporting and respecting him / his feelings in the best way?

Thank you,
Mittens

Its admirable that you are doing all of this work to support him and make things work. I just want to say though that you deserve exactly what you are giving him and you need to remember that its still a partnership and a 2 way street.

Mittens
02-28-17, 03:38 PM
Its admirable that you are doing all of this work to support him and make things work. I just want to say though that you deserve exactly what you are giving him and you need to remember that its still a partnership and a 2 way street.

I can honestly and truly say that he is.

I believe his exact words were, "The last year you held me and the family together while I fell apart, and now that I am back it's okay for you to fall apart so we can get you whole again".

He knows the last year sort of 'broke' me, and I absolutely bawled when he said that... Funny enough, him saying that is giving me the strength to work on getting me back to me and mending the damage from the last year.... When we talk about it, 2016 was a wash and just a crap shoot - we have to deal with the after effects of it, but dwelling or focusing on it any more than we have too will not ever accomplish anything constructive. We will deal with what we have too when we are both ready, and over time we will get through it and come out stronger.

Thank you so much again for all of the insight and advice.
I can't say enough how much I appreciate it and everything...

-Smitten Mittens