View Full Version : Stay at home add mother, messy house


Cozyyoung88
08-03-16, 11:46 AM
Hello,
I'm a 28 year old stay at home mom of 5. I had my first when I was 16, got married to my husband when I was 17, and we have had 4 more kids throughout the years. My life is a chaotic mess! I'm a terrible stay at home mother. I love being with my kids and having the time with them, but I'm just terrible at it all. My add is so bad. I feel like my entire life is spent trying to catch up. I spend week after week trying to get my house clean. My car is never clean. I hate it so much. I desire a clean organized house so so badly. I'm on meds but have never seemed to find the right meds, they help a bit. Does anyone else feel this way or struggle as I do?! Have you ever found a way to keep it together at home?

acdc01
08-03-16, 03:35 PM
5 kids. I'm not sure how anyone can keep a place clean in your situation.

Personally, I'd give the little ones chores so you don't have to do it all yourself. Give them what you hate doing the most if possible so it's easier for you to do your tasks. Or if it's one step in a task that you hate, get them to do that one step so you can do the rest.

You can give them some spending money in return if you want.

sarahsweets
08-04-16, 06:14 AM
Hello,
I'm a 28 year old stay at home mom of 5. I had my first when I was 16, got married to my husband when I was 17, and we have had 4 more kids throughout the years. My life is a chaotic mess! I'm a terrible stay at home mother. I love being with my kids and having the time with them, but I'm just terrible at it all. My add is so bad. I feel like my entire life is spent trying to catch up. I spend week after week trying to get my house clean. My car is never clean. I hate it so much. I desire a clean organized house so so badly. I'm on meds but have never seemed to find the right meds, they help a bit. Does anyone else feel this way or struggle as I do?! Have you ever found a way to keep it together at home?
I so identify! I had my first child at 20 and all three before the age of 28. Ive never been organized or neat and I barely grew up enough to take care of a husband let alone 3 kids. I was married when I was 20, so I had to deal with marriage, college, work and then kids. I stopped working when my youngest was born and after I had applied for disability. I have severe adhd, bpII and some other stuff and kept having breakdowns.
I wish I could offer you tips. I have great kids, everyone says that about their kids but mine (20,16+13) are really kind, smart,sweet,emphathetic,emotionally available,and they always know they can come to me, and I will have their back.
Do you know how I got such great kids? By not killing myself over having the neatest house. By learning that disorganization wasnt a character flaw, clean houses dont mean perfect kids. Believe me, I have some routines and had to learn to run my mornings on schedules but my laundry room is still overflowing with laundry, there are always dishes in the sink,always stacks of mail somewhere. My bedroom is an embarassment. I sometimes wonder if I have harmed my kids because I wasnt the hammer with giving chores and punishing them if they didnt do them.

I guess Im rambling. My point is the only way I was able to have kids that were good human beings was for me, to worry more about their wellbeing and less about whether the neighbors thought my house was neat.

How old are your kids?
Remember: You are not lazy,crazy,useless,worthless,unloveable,unworthy,e vil,terrible,unkind,horrible,horrid,cruel or insignificant.
You are human.
You have gifts.
You have flaws.

Cozyyoung88
08-06-16, 02:35 AM
Thank you so much for your post. I worry so much that I'm hurting my kids because of my issues. I don't have routines down, I struggle with my house and everything else, it's so good to hear from someone who has been there and their kids turned out ok. My kids are 11,8,7,3 and 8 weeks. I also have people tell me I have such good kids and they really are. They are well behaved, kind , and they have the biggest hearts.
I guess that's one of the positives of my disorder, that all though I don't have everything perfect or half way together, I have great relationships with my kids and I am there for them emotionally and we have so much fun together. I'd rather spend the day playing with my kids than worrying about a perfect house any day and obviously I do just that most days. Your words mean so much as I'm constantly telling my self I'm a failure and worthless. I lay in bed every night worrying that I'm going to ruin them because I can't get it all right.

Dachshund
08-06-16, 11:35 AM
Your relationship with your kids will be far more important than your house. I'm sure they would much rather have a messy house then a mom who is frustrated and continually focused on cleaning and organizing.

Personally, my own house can be a wreck, but I keep one rule: it's clean enough that nothing grows. In other words, no mold or bacteria factories, nothing that would make us sick. My laundry may be sitting in baskets, unfolded, but the bathroom tub and kitchen sink get cleaned. It isn't a perfect system (the Great Food Stash Behind the Couch of 2014 was an event), but it works for me. It gives me a simple priority that makes me feel accomplished, without overwhelming me.

And I assure you, as someone who has also struggled with the thought, you aren't a failure as a parent. I've talked with my therapist extensively on the subject, and he's told me the wisest words I've ever heard on parenting: "No parent is perfect. All parents will screw up their kids in some way, no matter what. The goal is to screw them up in the least possible way, with love and compassion, so they become adults with quirks instead of adults with issues."

Joker_Girl
08-06-16, 04:13 PM
I'm a terrible stay at home mother. I love being with my kids and having the time with them

I think it sounds like you're an awesome mom.

I can't keep my house clean, either. And my kids are grown. I hate being a slob, and i wish i wasn't like that, and i have no clue how other people manage to keep a tidy house. The only thing i can think is that they don't have as much stuff, but when i try to get rid of stuff, it never works out.
I don't know how i did as good as i did when our kids were little, and we only had 2. I can't even imagine the amount of laundry. Damn.
Can you hire someone to do some of it? I always thought about it, but i for some reason never did. There's no shame in it, imo....it gives you more time with your family, which is what is really the most important thing...you can always clean...but your kids won't always be little.
I am in my early 40s now, and i miss when they were little, when they were little i couldn't wait until they grew up so i could pee in privacy.

aeon
08-06-16, 05:34 PM
I guess that's one of the positives of my disorder, that all though I don't have everything perfect or half way together, I have great relationships with my kids and I am there for them emotionally and we have so much fun together.

Excepting your marriage, and taking care of yourself, all else are trivialities.

Your sentence above shows that you know what is truly important.

Take a moment and give yourself credit for those things you get right. The important things. If that doesn't prove you are a success, nothing else will.

Feel free to stop judging yourself by the less important things that no one will remember or care about in the end.

Instead, recognize that as a mother, you have it more together than any words could ever say. In the end, that love and laughter is all anyone will remember and care about.

It's natural to doubt yourself, but in this you have no reason to. Believe that.

I can't imagine what you look like through the eyes of your children, but I'm sure you shine like a star.


Blessed Be,
Ian

TheFitFatty
08-07-16, 05:28 AM
My mother had a lot of issues when I was growing up. For her they translated into keeping the house spotless, to the point there was only one couch we were allowed to sit on, a red runner of carpet over the hardwood floors that was the only thing we could walk on. I had to use a sippy cup till I was 13. I hated it.
I would go to other kids houses and I loved it, because their houses felt lived in and warm. You weren't afraid of the breakdown that would happen if you spilled something.
A clean house means nothing in the long run.

junebaby05
08-09-16, 10:15 AM
You are not alone with feeling the way you feel. I'm 29, just dx and started Vyvanse last week. My 10 year old son was paralyzed 5 years ago and I went down hill. The doctors kept treating post traumatic stress with every med they could think of and it was horrible. I felt like I was horrible. My house was not organized I was so lost. I went and saw a new doctor and told him that I felt like I was losing my mind. He put me on vyvanse and told me I was ADD. It has changed me so far. I do have side effects and it don't last but 5 hours. It has been a work in progress and alot of trial and error but I'm getting there. Best of luck to you. Remember, your only human and it does get better.

ElizabethK
10-05-16, 05:04 AM
You don't have to worry so much about it.Try to make the cleaning process more fun by diving the tasks between your kids and your husband.You could even feel more relaxed in the weekends after you get most of the work done during the weekdays.

Magnolia23
10-15-16, 01:18 PM
I sure can relate to this. Keeping the house clean has become a real problem since we moved 3 years ago and I have 3 young children who all also have ADHD. And I don't mean I wish things were more neat and tidy. I mean things are dysfunctional. Things need to be organized enough so that you can make meals at meal times, use the bathroom, have clean clothes for everyone-not only clean but where they can be found, etc. So at a certain point it is fine to say hey it's clean enough, let's enjoy life. But at my point every aspect of life is hard due to disorganization. And since I am a stay at home mom this seems to be about 50percent of my job that I am completely can't do. And it consumes my life trying to catch it up and never getting there. But I'm just starting medication. So far there has been 0 improvement in my productivity, but I'm trying to give it time.

sarahsweets
10-20-16, 04:48 AM
I sure can relate to this. Keeping the house clean has become a real problem since we moved 3 years ago and I have 3 young children who all also have ADHD. And I don't mean I wish things were more neat and tidy. I mean things are dysfunctional. Things need to be organized enough so that you can make meals at meal times, use the bathroom, have clean clothes for everyone-not only clean but where they can be found, etc. So at a certain point it is fine to say hey it's clean enough, let's enjoy life. But at my point every aspect of life is hard due to disorganization. And since I am a stay at home mom this seems to be about 50percent of my job that I am completely can't do. And it consumes my life trying to catch it up and never getting there. But I'm just starting medication. So far there has been 0 improvement in my productivity, but I'm trying to give it time.

I identify. I have three kids, all with adhd and other issues and I have adhd and bipolar. The chaos, laundry and all that stuff is more my responsibility. My husband is a good guy and if I ask for help he will, but since he works full time, I take on more of the chores. One thing that helped me was to accept that things will never be like a home and gardens magazine. Yes, the clean clothes will be in a basket unfolded, and yes sometimes we need to use paper plates cause the dishes werent loaded in the dishwasher. Yes, sometimes the kids dont like the snacks in the house because I didnt get to the store that day. Yes dinner might be really simple like chicken caesar salad, or really complex like Squash rissoto- depending on my energy that day.

I know that I stopped washing everybody elses clothes except my own and the 13 year olds-the older two (16&20) and the husband do their own wash now.
I had to forgive myself for what I thought were horrible short comings. When people have complained about something being cluttered or messy- I had to learn to ask them for help. My own bedroom is a mess because I try to work on the common areas more as a matter of priority.
Plus, I am an alcoholic (sober now for almost 4 years) so the chaos still contains leftover damage and uncertainty from the drinking days.
Meds help a hell of a lot.
Keep your chin up.

Stenaphie
10-27-16, 04:27 AM
I am so with you! I grew up with a neat freak mom in a house that was ALWAYS clean so a messy house feels very wrong to me, yet I just can't seem to keep mine together! I let it go for days on end until the stress of all the clutter starts making me feel like a crazy distracted mess of a person, then I go on an insane cleaning spree and promise myself I'll keep it that way but it never lasts.

When I was in school and work I was managing my ADD really well, partly because there were deadlines and structure enforced by others. As a stay home mom I have to be in charge of my own time management and I'm falling apart! I loathe living in a mess but it's just so easy to keep putting it off until tomorrow because I can.

Tonight I suddenly remembered that I'm expecting company tomorrow and my house is a disaster. It actually kind of came as a relief to me that I now have a concrete deadline and external motivation to get it done!

Elika1362
11-08-16, 06:32 AM
I can totally relate to you! The sad part is that learned I have ADD a week ago at the age of 33. And God know what I went through in my marriage and after I had a kid. After I was diagnosed I started Bupropion taking along with Prozac. Day one was like a miracle. I was organized without minimum struggling! I got everything done. I cleaned up my daughter's closet and threw out three bags of unwanted things( wondering why I have kept them) my self confidence went through the roof. One day I took it without Prozac and I felt I got hostile! But the experience has been awesome. I feel like I have been almost blind while my life and now I can see things read numbers and words so easily and effortlessly. Understand lectures so easily in college read blood and do homework easily. There are side effects though:dry mouth, ringing in my ears once, and a little bit unfriendliness. But I don't care! I'm not wearing that stupid smile any longer, the one I always had to hide my low self esteem. Surprisingly, I can communicate with others better because of boosted self confidence.

sarahsweets
11-08-16, 06:57 AM
Good for you Elika!
I am so glad you found a good combo that works for you. Alot of us take an antidepressant with other meds.

ginniebean
11-08-16, 05:46 PM
Having been both a stay at home mom and someone who works outside the home there is no comparison. Getting a paycheque is massively easier. my goodness and I only had two kids. Consider the possibility of a part time job. Use the funds to hire a maid. You might think that the money would be better spent elsewhere but the relief from overwhelm allowing you to function better is amazing!

You can't do it all.

Joker_Girl
11-12-16, 01:38 PM
I do understand the house being messy bothering you, though. I am 100% sure it doesn't make you bad, or a bad mom. But I understand the frustration.

I don't know how I kept our house even sort of clean when our kids were little. I just couldn't. Stuff is messed up again before you are even putting it away.

Now the kids are out of the house, and it's just me, hubby, and dog. It still is a mess. I don't know why. Part of it is, anytime I do anything, I make a lot of clutter and mess. Most of this is craft supplies, etc....whatever I am doing. Cleaning takes me forever, too, and basically I'm just moving stuff around.

Hubby's clutter is a lot grosser than mine. Spilled pop and chips, empty food containers, dirty socks. He doesn't like to clean, but when he does, he can clean the whole place in a half hour. For me, that takes days. It usually creates a bigger mess.

I feel guilty if I have a day off and don't clean, though. Right now I'm hating myself because I haven't got the porch painted and the carpets shampooed. I have painted 3 paintings, though, and reorganized my makeup. I don't know why I am this way. When I hate myself really bad for things, I will self impose some kind of reward or punishment on myself. Today, my reward if I get everything done is, I get to paint, and I get to eat.

In order to get this, I must vacuum and shampoo all carpets, clean all floors, clean all bathrooms, and clean the kitchen/ make supper. And put away laundry. But here I sit.