View Full Version : Death (not mine)


Stev'o
08-03-16, 08:59 PM
I have found that when friends and family have passed, including my own mother. That after the initial grieving, it's like I just "move" on. When my mom passed, family would say, do how are you really doing? And at first, I don't know what they are asking me. When I make the connection, I tell them I'm OK; and thank them for asking. Or when someone reminds me of the anniversary of someone's passing: I have no idea of the length of time.

Thinking of my moms death, it's like I just can't/do not have the mental staying power to "dwell" on it.

Do any of you relate to this? Have the same issue?
Because I feel that I'm completely heartless. That maybe the grieving, or the length of time remembering and honoring their life should be more than what I did.

Little Missy
08-03-16, 09:17 PM
Every person does or does not grieve in their own way. I don't believe in a right or a wrong way about this.

namazu
08-03-16, 09:24 PM
People grieve and honor those they love in different ways and for different lengths of time. In some cultures, remembering/marking the anniversary of a death is a big deal, but it isn't for everyone.

Don't beat yourself up for feeling what you feel (and for not feeling what you don't). Some people deal better with death by not dwelling on it; for others, dwelling on it for a while helps them feel a sense of closure. For people who have had fraught relationships with family members, sometimes the death itself brings a feeling of closure of that difficult chapter; for others, it still brings up other feelings.

Ceremonies and tears aren't required to honor the life of loved ones (though for some people, they happen -- I still tear up thinking about my grandparents who passed years ago).

If your mom was someone you loved dearly and feel like you want to honor, you can do that in other ways -- by living your life as well as you can, by using the parts of your upbringing that you value in raising your own family (if applicable), and so on.

Yeah, if you want to visit her grave or scatter her ashes or name someone after her or have a party on her birthday or light a candle on the anniversary of her death, you can do that, too. But don't feel guilty for doing things in a way that's meaningful to you, or for skipping common practices that don't speak to you.

acdc01
08-04-16, 08:21 PM
Everyone reacts to death differently and you should never feel bad about something you can't control. I'm actually exactly like you in that I don't dwell on deaths either. It's my minds way of protecting me I think and I find it a blessing cause otherwise, I would have to suffer tremendously for a very long time.

I actually don't believe I love too little, but that I love too much. So much that if my mind didn't protect me, the pain would have been unbearable and that's why my mind reacts the way that is does as a defense. Perhaps your mind is doing the same thing.

Socaljaxs
08-04-16, 09:11 PM
Every person does or does not grieve in their own way. I don't believe in a right or a wrong way about this.

:goodpost: this, there isn't a right or wrong way to grieve nor is there a time frame you,should be grieving for. Each person reacts how they react and it has nothing to do,with your love or respect or heart. It's just how you grieve

Grocket
08-09-16, 02:17 PM
My dad died suddenly 4 years ago and I can't bring myself to go to his grave. If family members bring it up I cry, but I pretty much forced myself to forget about it almost after it happened.

I Miss you dad. I wish I could have told you I loved yout before.

Bah, now I'm crying at work.

Everyone grieves their own way.

stef
08-09-16, 03:55 PM
My dad died suddenly 4 years ago and I can't bring myself to go to his grave. If family members bring it up I cry, but I pretty much forced myself to forget about it almost after it happened.

I Miss you dad. I wish I could have told you I loved yout before.

Bah, now I'm crying at work.

Everyone grieves their own way.

i also lost my father suddenly, that was almost 20 years ago. I had never visited his grave and i went last summer for the first time, i think i cried for 30 minutes.

Grocket
08-09-16, 04:02 PM
i also lost my father suddenly, that was almost 20 years ago. I had never visited his grave and i went last summer for the first time, i think i cried for 30 minutes.

This will be me someday, but for now I just can't.

Good to know I'm not alone in not being able to go there. My family always tries to get me to go there and I think they get a little offended or something when I don't go with them.

Thanks for the reply.

stef
08-09-16, 04:08 PM
they shouldnt make you. its a very personal journey.

Rockkso
08-11-16, 03:37 PM
Everyone grieves in their own way. It varies by culture, within cultures, by family, and even by person. People should be allowed to make peace with a departed loved one in their own way on their own time.

My family lost our father to cancer seven years ago and he was buried at a cemetery two towns over. None of us has ever visited his grave since the funeral, and it has nothing to do with us avoiding his memory or anything like that. Far from it. Some people find that visiting a loved one's grave helps remember or honor them, but for us we find far more comfort in visiting the places we spent time with him in life - home, family vacation spots, favorite restaurants, etc. where we can tell stories about him and such. The cemetery is just where we laid his corpse to rest. His old body is there but he the person isn't and he never was. As far as we are concerned we don't see a point in visiting that spot just because some people think it's what you're "supposed" to do.

Ktown85
08-14-16, 03:30 AM
For me, I grieve in my own way, as it hits me. At a service or funeral, I am so sensitive to everyone's energy, that I cry whether I was close to the deceased or not. The ones I was very close to, I feel a twinge of sadness and some times cry when I think about them or someone brings them up. But it's pretty easy for our ADD/ADHD brains to move on from moment to moment. It does not meant you are suddenly "over it" or "heartless". I also tend to try to be funny and lighten the mood when I am around others who are sad, which can be seen as heartless or cold, when really I am trying to heal or cheer the living grieving loved ones.
Every thing we do seems to be misinterpreted.. or at least, that's how I feel!

stef
08-14-16, 08:21 AM
the few funerals ive been to, seemed completely surreal. i didnt cry at my parents' funerals because it was just all so unfathomable, i was probably in a disassociated state as well

i went to a service for someone close to one of my cousins, it was beyond bizarre for many reasons and also, bc of all these people who came to family parties when i was little but i wasnt close to them, and there they all were; and they had this delicious lunch afterwards and then i felt so bad because in a strange way, i was kind of enjoying myself.