View Full Version : Do you assume people hate you before they even get to know you?


julialouise
08-04-16, 01:29 PM
I have this issue all the time. it's the primary reason why I have trouble initiating social interaction. and even when i am starting to make a new friend, i constantly worry that i'm saying or doing the wrong thing unless they explicitly tell me that they do, in fact, like me.

it's also come to my attention that i have "resting b*tch face" and have an intimidating appearance, which is likely just a result of my shyness and facial expression/body language. so i think it's just a cycle of other people thinking i don't want anything to do with them, so they avoid me, and when they avoid me i think they dislike me, so i never become friends with them. it's a lonely life. ):

is this a common issue?

stef
08-04-16, 01:45 PM
Gotta reply to this tonite im just on my phone and not wearing glasses

aeon
08-04-16, 03:32 PM
No, I don’t make assumptions about how someone feels about me.

That said, in general, I don’t ask them either.


Cheers,
Ian

Fuzzy12
08-04-16, 03:55 PM
I don't assume that they hate me but i also dont assume that they like me.

It depends on my mood though and my current confidence level. This probably sounds incredibly shallow but if I get dressed up and act nice I do assume that people will like me at least for the first 5 mins. After that, ie once people know me I usually assume that they dislike me.

I also suck at making friends though. Maybe I'm too distant or something..I always think it's because I'm a bit weird..

stef
08-04-16, 04:03 PM
I have progressed from assuming people wont like me ( or more that they will find ,me strange), to hoping people will like me.

Im not intimidating looking but resting ***** face makes me seem aloof when I'm just reserved. Im getting over this by stopping to try and make conventional small talk and just be more natural. I still wonder sometimes what colleagues I dont know that well actually think of me. i mean just speculating. And I never have lunch with people, I just cant deal with that bc I usually have tons of work in the morning and i just have to get out of there and be quiet for at least 30 mn so i suppose that looks bad. but i have genuine friends at work so i dont worry about this.

related to this is an irrational fear of offending people. that i will say something wrong and they will never speak to me again.

aeon
08-04-16, 05:09 PM
I can appreciate having lunch alone because of the need to decompress.

I’m like a puppy. I want people to tell me something about themselves. And I am especially pleased when I get something that makes them unique. I like weird. Let’s play!

I don’t dislike anyone until they give me a definite reason not to. Until then, we’re good.

I hate that term RBF because of the implicit misogyny.

No one need worry with me about not being liked. I like people. I’ll like you. Just be real.

And it is near-impossible to offend me.

Just be yourself...it’s always more than OK...because you are.


nice to meet you,
Ian

Hermus
08-04-16, 06:05 PM
I always had the feeling everyone found me weird, before they even knew me. Nowadays I just don't care about what people who I don't know think about me any more.

Pilgrim
08-04-16, 06:10 PM
I normally sit back in Te lotus position while engaged in something that I can change. I don't need the anxiety.

Lunacie
08-04-16, 06:43 PM
I figure if people talk to me they're interested.

If they don't talk to me, they could care less.


Liking and hating come later, after we know each other better.

If they hate me before they get to know me, I move on. Who needs 'em.

Little Missy
08-04-16, 06:46 PM
I worry more that I'm the assuming one.

KarmanMonkey
08-05-16, 11:44 AM
I prepare as best I can for the possibility that they won't like me, I also prepare for the possibility that they do like me.

Then I try and let go of the assumptions either way and just do my best to watch, listen and learn about the person.

I'm very quick to notice someone's emotional state; I'm less skilled at being able to instinctively tell where that mood is coming from. When I used to see someone in a foul mood, I'd default to "They're mad at me". When I used to hear someone laugh, I'd often default to "They're laughing at my expense". This is in large part because of how I was frequently bullied growing up.

I've taken a lot of time to let go of those assumptions, but I still prepare for the possibility that they actually ARE mad at me or laughing at my expense. And sometimes I get so good at talking myself out of the assumption that I swing the other direction, and tell myself that they're not mad at me when really I HAVE done something to tick them off.

*sigh*

All I can say is that it's an ongoing process for me, and the big thing is working to separate the facts from the assumptions, and to try and ask someone when I can "You seem upset; I'm worried that I might've done something that bothered you" or something like that.

dvdnvwls
08-05-16, 10:08 PM
It can be upsetting to be asked if I'm upset, at times when I think it's obvious that I'm not.

TheFitFatty
08-07-16, 05:15 AM
I think everyone assumes I'm weird. I'm genuinely shocked to find out that people actually like me, and even then I wonder if they are talking about me behind my back. Definitely a low self esteem thing.

I have the worst resting ***** face too. I developed it to stop my emotions and what I'm thinking from appearing too clearly on my face and people calling me on it.

jiitters
08-07-16, 01:56 PM
I feel somewhat the same as OP and a few others. I am always convinced that others are perceiving me negatively, in a kind of paranoid way. It definitely doesn't help that my expressions and body language clearly show that I am very reserved and not very mentally present... I always find myself even when I am alone, like driving or something, furrowing my brow because I'm thinking too hard about something. Funny because since I always look angry, people sometimes say I am intimidating, but I am honestly intimidated other people most of the time

adhdseeker
08-08-16, 12:40 AM
I relate to a majority of these! I guess in some sick way it's nice to know that other people also have a fear that people don't like them. I guess it comes from expecting people to find me weird. I found it SO BIZARRE when i got feedback in high school that I was intimidating. WHERE DID THAT come from? probably from my super sensitivity blocking them out to some degree because I was intimidated by THEM.

BellaVita
08-08-16, 02:28 AM
Hate is a strong word...

I don't assume people hate me before they get to know me.

BUT what you described in your OP I definitely was like when I was a teenager.

And - I still to this day don't really know if people like me unless they actually tell me. Although I've been a bit kinder on myself and try to think the best. (But...I do sometimes feel like a "filter" because it seems like lots of people tend to feel superior to me I guess because I come across as "off' or "weird/different" to them because I'm autistic - so it's kinda sucky that I have so many people that get filtered out but it's cool because I also find the truly kind people who like me for me)

But wow I used to do what you described in your OP so much....

Now? I don't go in groups much so I guess the people around me have basically chosen to have me in their life - and I've been told they all love me so I guess my life is good. :)

I'm very picky nowadays about who I become friends with, so I think if I were to seek out other friends I would try to find them in a small group that has similar interests as me...which would increase their chances of liking me.

Lunacie
08-08-16, 11:40 AM
I relate to a majority of these! I guess in some sick way it's nice to know that other people also have a fear that people don't like them. I guess it comes from expecting people to find me weird. I found it SO BIZARRE when i got feedback in high school that I was intimidating. WHERE DID THAT come from? probably from my super sensitivity blocking them out to some degree because I was intimidated by THEM.

I was horribly shy in high school (undiagnosed Anxiety disorder) and some of the kids thought I was too stuck up to talk to them. :umm1:

julialouise
08-08-16, 01:42 PM
Thanks for all ur responses!!! I definitely had it worse in high school, and now that I'm in college, I try to remember that "they're more scared of u than u are of them!", in a way. It's helped me open up to many more people. I still feel nervous around older students, especially older girls, but I've made so many new friends because I try to put myself in other people's shoes. I made a lot of friends with students in the new freshman class (when i was a sophomore) and it's been fantastic. A lot of those friendships didn't really solidify until the 2nd or 3rd term at school because a couple of them didn't seem to recognize that I was interested in being their friends...... but persistence is key sometimes lol! but not always because then I scare them away ):

stef
08-08-16, 02:29 PM
My freshmanyear of college I made this huge leap because i told myself, none of these people know me and they are just as nervous. i was super lucky because i landed in amazing dorm wing. no one knew each other and it just worked out somehow. ( on the other side of the building the girls hardly spoke to each other.). i had a lovely adhd roommate and then these 2 outgoing girls were just so funny and sort of bonded the whole floor.

jiitters
08-08-16, 06:28 PM
I was horribly shy in high school (undiagnosed Anxiety disorder) and some of the kids thought I was too stuck up to talk to them. :umm1:

this is the worst :( I struggled with this kind of misunderstanding in High school too. and still to this day, to be honest. I think that I am subconsciously trying to mask the insecurity and chaos inside my head with an overcompensation of composure and the way it comes off is just as bad if not worse