View Full Version : Struggling...

08-06-16, 12:41 AM
I know my problems are inconsequential compared to many.

this doesn't change the fact that i am tired, and struggling in a big way right now.

My past has come back to haunt me, and I do not know how to fix it. Maybe it cannot be fixed.

All I want to do is crawl into bed and stay there, yet I do not have that luxury due to my circumstances.

I am not suicidal please don't think that, i am just tired of fighting all the time, or defending myself.

maybe I need to pour my heart out somewhere and I do not know where else to do that..i need a "soft place to fall", as dr phil says, and i do not feel that I have that.

My mental issues have brought me to this precipice in my life, and I wish they would just go away so I could be "normal".

My ADD is not under control right not, nor are my emotional issues.

I am just exhausted, yet I cannot sleep. I have these weird conversations in my head that sometimes have nothing to do with me. I see conversations in my head that aren't real. I literally see words and it prevents me from sleep, if that makes any sense.

I feel as if things are slipping out of control and I do not know how to bring them back into it, and I have no one to really talk about them to.

My stress about possibly losing my spot in the nursing program due to a trespassing charge is likely triggering this.

I feel as if I got some decent sleep this all would not be as much of an issue, yet I cannot.

Sigh. Thank you for being a place I can voice my issues, fears, and troubles.

08-06-16, 12:46 AM
Plus I am left to wait and wait until a decision is made about the nursing program. I have gone back and rewrote what happened and how it will never happen again, but it feels like if I submit that letter it will make me seem defensive.

I feel irritable all the time.

I have a short leash, and there are people in my life who do not deserve to be on the receiving end of why I feel the way I do.

I have been spending my time making playlists on my phone, and the songs have gotten angry again, reminiscent of my past. I do not want to be angry or resentful.

Yet these things keep coming up...

Perhaps my history in other ways has something to do with it all.

Thanks, again for listening.

08-06-16, 08:32 PM
I'm paraphrasing this: There's an old zen story about a student who is suffering so bad that he cannot rest. He asks his teacher for help. His wise teacher instructs him to put a heap of salt into a cup of water and drink it. The teacher asks how it tastes, to which the student replies, "bitter."

The teacher then instructs the student to pour a heap of salt into a lake and again drink the water and tell him what it tastes like. The student discovers that he cannot perceive the bitterness of the salt.

"The salt in the lake is the same as the salt in the cup, but you could not detect it in the lake because the container is so much bigger. Make your container bigger."

It's a neat story and it makes a lot of sense if you've ever practiced meditation. If not that's cool too, anyone can appreciate the analogy. Mediation masters are described as having transcended the superficial realm of existence we come to understand passively, and they have stretched their minds through rigorous practice and opened their hearts up, like the lake in this analogy. Meditation is one method we can use to enlarge our container and thus reduce the effect of suffering on our life.

Easier said than done, I know, but even if you can manage to give it 5 minutes, I guarantee you'll feel the effects. It's an active process though, you cannot just sit passively with your eyes closed, waiting for enlightenment.

I hope this helps. Is there any way you can talk to someone and ask about whether or not you should send the message? I honestly think you will be fine. Your level of anxiety shows how much you really care about this, and it shows a clear sense of responsibility about the past.

08-07-16, 01:59 PM
Mayserieltiff -

Cut yourself some slack! It sounds like a really stressful time, especially when you wait for determinations from outside entities.

I totally appreciate the feeling that everything is a swarm and nothing is under control - ADHD makes that even worse, sometimes, I think.

Is there any insanely boring, physically exerting work you could do? This works for me - I start micro-scrubbing dishes or detailing the car or something that takes elbow grease and will reliably wear me out. More importantly, it helps shift the brain into neutral, gets you out of that "frozen in one spot" feeling with thoughts bouncing off the walls and on your brain and that whole bouncy-ball tournament going on in your head.

Hopefully, the endeavor will also make you physically exhausted enough that you can sleep, which you identified as helpful (and it will be!).

You're not alone in the mental bouncy-ball tournament, if that helps. Be kind to yourself. Feed yourself well, do something silly and fun (which you can totally justify if the option is to sit and stew, right?).

When the ghosts of the past join the bouncy-ball tournament, it seems like there isn't enough medication in the world, because you're kind of managing two different worlds there - your past thoughts, your present existence, and outside forces - probably neighbors who won't turn off their leaf blowers or calm their barking dogs or whatever racket joins the cacophony.

It helps to get it all out of yourself and into the world - love Bluechoo's analogy of the salt - so you're on the right track by coming here, which is a wonderful, safe place. Definitely a soft spot to fall.

One of the suck-i-est aspects of ADHD is that hyper-focus that swells minutes into epochs.

This is one hill in the long journey of your life, and there are a million options available to you, even if it doesn't seem that way right now or if you can't see the options through all the bouncy-balls flying.

Sending you virtual ice cream (calorie free and no lactose issues!) and puppy dogs or kittens or whatever makes life better for you. It will get better, because you're taking steps to make your life better. You're also not alone in thinking that will never happen soon enough. :)

Take care!

08-07-16, 03:12 PM
I, too, just wrote a letter to my college begging for mercy for past mistakes.

My financial grants were approved for the fall semester, but I have a "withdrawal/incomplete" rate of 34% for previous semesters. Now I won't get into gory details, but I have good personal reasons to have left so many classes without finishing them.

So now the school is withholding my tuition grants (which I need and cannot attend school at all without) until i justify my actions and state why this wouldn't be an issue in the future.

You are right in that it's a worry, but I feel they do this every day, and as long as you atone for your past sins, they'll let you in.

They are a school. They NEED students. Their goal, every day, is to increase enrollment numbers. The LAST thing they want to do is kick someone to the curb ~ they just want your money and a record that you asked for forgiveness in your file.

08-07-16, 11:01 PM
Thank you so much for the posts.

I enjoyed the story regarding meditation. My psychologist also thinks that it would help me. I need to do some research on how to do it actively though because I am not sure I understand how to do that.

Mundane tasks do take my mind off of things, for a brief time, I guess it is a matter of finding the motivation to start them in the first place lol.

Thank you for acknowledging the fact that I do feel total responsibility for my past. I wish I could be clearer to others and prove to them I am not that same person, and that was an isolated incident. I have grown a lot regarding self-awareness, and sometimes I wish I wasn't as self-aware as I am.

Thank you for the ice cream, kittens and puppies! ;-) Can I have ponies instead? ;-) Oh and I will still take the calorie free ice cream...

The hyper focus vs. lack of focus can be really frustrating. I am dwelling on this because it is looming and I have no control over it. It is really nerve wracking.

I do believe I have great things to offer the nursing program, and I guess if they can't look at my last two and a half years in school, my grades, and attendance, then there is not much else I can do. It is a small school, and likely they know exactly who I am.

Thank you again for the posts. I am sorry you are going through this as well spamspambacon. It sucks, period. lol. Let's keep our chins up.

I am feeling better about things today. I am still exhausted but I got like five hours of sleep last night, which is more than normal. I am thankful. Sleep helps.

Signing off for the night, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I am arming myself with information because he tells me what I am taking is the final thing he can offer. It is not working, and one of my strengths is persistence. When it is something I want anyway lol. So I spend time researching other medications and my genetics and...long story lol.

It helps keep my mind busy.

Take care as well!!!