View Full Version : Newbie to forums


JustTired74
08-06-16, 11:16 PM
Just thought I would give this a try. My wife has never been diagnosed, but both of us agree that she has a form of adhd. Married for 10+ years, three children, two of the kids have adhd. I have gone to counseling for support, but I think sometimes counselors think I'm just having marriage issues. I am transitioning in careers right now while the wife holds down a good job. I worry sometimes though because she has missed several days of work already this year. Of course when I bring this up, I am wrong, but I know she has missed at least 7 or 8 and is allowed 13.

It gets old. The constant defensiveness, distraction, fear. After years of living with this I think that adhd and borderline personality disorder can blend together as I have seen signs of both. My wife knows she has faults and sometimes works hard to correct them, but it is always short lived.

Just looking too share thoughts and support with others who experience the same.

Greyhound1
08-07-16, 02:10 AM
Welcome to the forum!

I think your first step should be having your wife evaluated for ADHD by a qualified physician.

If ADHD is the case then treatment may really help.

Being diagnosed at age 45 myself solved a lot of life long questions and self doubts. I began treatment and it changed my life.

I wish you the best!

ToneTone
08-08-16, 11:59 PM
It's really tough when you see a spouse struggling while being defensive about the struggling.

So I am assuming she has been reluctant to get diagnosed even though she "admits" she has symptoms of ADHD?

You mention that you have gone to counseling. Has she?

Tone

TheFitFatty
08-09-16, 02:41 AM
It was a marriage counselor that originally suggested I might have ADHD. I thought my husband was just being too OCD (he is diagnosed) expecting me to remember everything he said. Perhaps go to joint counseling?

JustTired74
08-09-16, 09:38 AM
Thanks for the support. All has been done before. Couples marriage counseling, her counseling alone, multiple trips to the Dr. I guess the only thing left is for me to go to the Dr with her and explain my POV. Counseling has worked somewhat in the past as long as she can get along with the counselor. Problem is that counseling immediately causes her to get defensive.

I think sometimes it feels like a never ending battle. When you think things are going ok, you let your guard down and next thing you know you are struggling again. It's hard to convey to people what it is like, but from what I read on this forum and others, a lot of non ADHD spouses share the same feelings.

_Karen_Cee_
08-10-16, 08:28 PM
Just thought I would give this a try. My wife has never been diagnosed, but both of us agree that she has a form of adhd. Married for 10+ years, three children, two of the kids have adhd. I have gone to counseling for support, but I think sometimes counselors think I'm just having marriage issues. I am transitioning in careers right now while the wife holds down a good job. I worry sometimes though because she has missed several days of work already this year. Of course when I bring this up, I am wrong, but I know she has missed at least 7 or 8 and is allowed 13.

It gets old. The constant defensiveness, distraction, fear. After years of living with this I think that adhd and borderline personality disorder can blend together as I have seen signs of both. My wife knows she has faults and sometimes works hard to correct them, but it is always short lived.

Just looking too share thoughts and support with others who experience the same.

Welcome to the boards, there's good support here. :)

Your story is somewhat mine in reverse. Other than the children (I have one from a previous marriage) DH and I have been married 10 years and he *DOES* have an official diagnosis of ADD and he's supposed to take Adderall twice daily. The defensiveness - easily distracted - fears, you name it I live it. DH also is highly emotional and doesn't seem to have a middle ground so life can be...well...hectic, frustrating, and just plain tiring.

Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone. I hope you find the advice and support you're looking for. Being the non-adhd partner is not easy. Having ADHD isn't easy either and I do try to look at it from his POV, not always successfully either.

Hang in there... :)

sarahsweets
08-17-16, 02:19 AM
Thanks for the support. All has been done before. Couples marriage counseling, her counseling alone, multiple trips to the Dr. I guess the only thing left is for me to go to the Dr with her and explain my POV. Counseling has worked somewhat in the past as long as she can get along with the counselor. Problem is that counseling immediately causes her to get defensive.

I think sometimes it feels like a never ending battle. When you think things are going ok, you let your guard down and next thing you know you are struggling again. It's hard to convey to people what it is like, but from what I read on this forum and others, a lot of non ADHD spouses share the same feelings.

Sometimes counseling is better left alone for awhile. If one person feels defensive they will never be in the position to learn, at least not right away,. Who decided on counseling? Has she had her own counseling or just marriage counseling?

TLCisaQT
08-27-16, 01:16 PM
Just thought I would give this a try. My wife has never been diagnosed, but both of us agree that she has a form of adhd. Married for 10+ years, three children, two of the kids have adhd. I have gone to counseling for support, but I think sometimes counselors think I'm just having marriage issues. I am transitioning in careers right now while the wife holds down a good job. I worry sometimes though because she has missed several days of work already this year. Of course when I bring this up, I am wrong, but I know she has missed at least 7 or 8 and is allowed 13.

It gets old. The constant defensiveness, distraction, fear. After years of living with this I think that adhd and borderline personality disorder can blend together as I have seen signs of both. My wife knows she has faults and sometimes works hard to correct them, but it is always short lived.

Just looking too share thoughts and support with others who experience the same.

Hi JustTired and welcome. I believe many of us on this board can relate to the roller coaster ride you describe. It's a similar story - we feel the person we are married to is a great person, we know it does take a lot for them to make those changes to do better and for a lot of our partners/spouses inevitably it can be difficult to maintain long-term, this the roller coaster. We also know that as a spouse we have our faults too. This doesn't make the challenges any less frustrating or less difficult especially when you feel as a spouse and parent overwhelmed if you have to compensate in many aspects of the family as well as deal with negative behaviors towards you. It can be exhausting. I hope you find support here. I wish I knew the answers. I'm still searching for them in my situation!

JustTired74
01-19-17, 02:06 PM
Thank you for the support everyone. It's a daily battle.