View Full Version : Obsessive Goodbyes


jujuwah333
08-09-16, 11:35 PM
My 11 year old is ADHD and has started this new behavior where she needs to say several different sayings multiple times, give kisses multiple time, give hugs multiple times, blow kisses several times and we have to respond to each one or she gets anxious and won't stop the routine. I know this is very indicative of OCD behavior, but I've spoken with her and she says that she doesn't feel like she HAS to do it, but that she just really wants to give that many hugs and kisses, ect...

Also, she has always struggled with boundaries, so I always feel like I'm telling her to give me space (the whole family including the two year old is constantly having to tell her this). She is ALWAYS trying to touch someone, sit on someone's lap (remember, she's 11), force hugs and demand attention and affection. So this whole routine REEEALLY gets under my skin. I'm trying so hard to remain pleasant with her and not scream or pull my hair out. I don't want her to grow up thinking her mom didn't ever want to show affection towards her, but I'm at the point where when she comes close to me I can feel myself cringing. UGh!

Does anyone else deal with this? Is there a way I can curb this behavior without being a total jerk mom?

Caco3girl
08-12-16, 08:47 AM
Can you possibly map out an acceptable plan of goodbyes but still make it special? With my son, we hug, then one of us says "and we sway" (while we are swaying) for about 2 seconds, and then he says "and we squeeze". At which point we do give a tight squeeze and then release. It is a special hug but doesn't take up too much time and I know the end point so no need to cringe, and plus, it makes him feel special.

Socaljaxs
08-13-16, 01:12 AM
My 11 year old is ADHD and has started this new behavior where she needs to say several different sayings multiple times, give kisses multiple time, give hugs multiple times, blow kisses several times and we have to respond to each one or she gets anxious and won't stop the routine. I know this is very indicative of OCD behavior, but I've spoken with her and she says that she doesn't feel like she HAS to do it, but that she just really wants to give that many hugs and kisses, ect...

Also, she has always struggled with boundaries, so I always feel like I'm telling her to give me space (the whole family including the two year old is constantly having to tell her this). She is ALWAYS trying to touch someone, sit on someone's lap (remember, she's 11), force hugs and demand attention and affection. So this whole routine REEEALLY gets under my skin. I'm trying so hard to remain pleasant with her and not scream or pull my hair out. I don't want her to grow up thinking her mom didn't ever want to show affection towards her, but I'm at the point where when she comes close to me I can feel myself cringing. UGh!

Does anyone else deal with this? Is there a way I can curb this behavior without being a total jerk mom?

What will happen, if you don't complete the routine with her? Refuse too? Or just don't participate, she get anxious you mentioned yes but anything else YOU notice, not her but YOU see? Does she have any other compulsion repetitive, or echo type behaviors?

The breaking of routines can be painful for a person with other disorders and syndromes. It may be something to bring up with her doctor or psychologist?

mildadhd
08-13-16, 05:16 PM
I am in my 40's and usually say "goodnight" or "goodbye" several times as well, so I feel i understand where your daughter is coming from.

I think it has something to do with my insecurity and low self esteem established in early life, partly due to being born with an emotionally hypersensitive temperament.

Try to beat her to it, initiating emotional contact over time, doing what she does before she expects or initiates emotional contact, in turn soothing her anxieties that are driving her emotional behaviors, promoting security and development of emotional-self-regulation, over time.

G

sarahsweets
08-17-16, 02:34 AM
My 11 year old is ADHD and has started this new behavior where she needs to say several different sayings multiple times, give kisses multiple time, give hugs multiple times, blow kisses several times and we have to respond to each one or she gets anxious and won't stop the routine. I know this is very indicative of OCD behavior, but I've spoken with her and she says that she doesn't feel like she HAS to do it, but that she just really wants to give that many hugs and kisses, ect...
Kids are notorious self evaluators. You asked her if she felt like she has to and she said no- but its obvious she does and just can verbalize that enough to make you more convinced about the OCD.OCD is very much buried in anxiety and becomes a coping mechanism, and its not a healthy one.

Also, she has always struggled with boundaries, so I always feel like I'm telling her to give me space (the whole family including the two year old is constantly having to tell her this). She is ALWAYS trying to touch someone, sit on someone's lap (remember, she's 11), force hugs and demand attention and affection. So this whole routine REEEALLY gets under my skin. I'm trying so hard to remain pleasant with her and not scream or pull my hair out. I don't want her to grow up thinking her mom didn't ever want to show affection towards her, but I'm at the point where when she comes close to me I can feel myself cringing. UGh!

I cant put my finger on how I want to respond to this- so I am just going to say it. There is NO chance that anything inappropriate ever happened to her right?
I ask because I identify with the physical boundary issues being a result of some crap that happened to me. In order to feel worthy I had to feel loved- but it was modeled that love involved physical senses..I was all jammed up for awhile. I am NOT saying this is the only reason why- just checking.
Its also very stimulating in an ADHD type of way to have physical touching but you are right- she is 11 and that could easily be miscontrued.