View Full Version : My spouse doesn't GET me!!!!!


Ktown85
08-14-16, 03:20 AM
Hey! Help! My non-adhd husband (and his fam ) do NOT get me! My own husband, who is the one to suggest I look into Add/adhd/anxiety, (and I have since been diagnosed!!!)!!!!! He says now it's a 'crutch ' or ' excuse'. He has had several health issues as of late, during which time I have also had my appts and diagnoses.

I have spent hours (read: hyperfocused) on EVERY diagnosis he has received, relayed the info to him, his mother, etc... but guess how many minutes he has spent learning about anxiety disorder or add/adhd?? ZERO! I am about to start a trail period of medication (next week!!)

And he and his mom are suddenly insisting I need to get a job and that I don't do enough, and basically dictating what they believe I 'should ' be doing.. meanwhile, I've basically been a single parent while he recovers and holding everything together on my own!!!!

I've been a stay at home mom for nearly 9 years now, am I crazy to think that returning to the work force while experimenting with new medications is a recipe for even worse disaster than is currently ensuing??!!!
I may show him this post and any responses so please help us and be brutally honest, if i am in the wrong here, please feel free to tell me that!!!

Ktown85
08-14-16, 03:33 AM
I am sorry for this ranting, being fairly new, it is just really bothering me and making me sick to my stomach, I can not talk to him, he won't even hear it and idk what to do to get it through to him!!

TheFitFatty
08-14-16, 03:39 AM
Bit hard to say given that we only have your side of the story...personally however, I don't think a diagnosis of ADHD or starting meds should be a reason to not get a job. I started my meds while working full time, looking after kids and doing my Masters. :/ (However everyone is different).

Little Missy
08-14-16, 09:26 AM
Nah, don't show him the post(s) best to just get on with things quietly. That is better than all the back and forth tit for tat stuff.

midnightstar
08-14-16, 11:41 AM
ADD is not an excuse, just like illness you can physically see is not an excuse. Say for example if you had a broken leg, he (hopefully) wouldn't say you're using it as an excuse to not be walking around on it, so I find it annoying when people assume mental illness of any description is an "excuse". :grouphug:

kilted_scotsman
08-14-16, 02:03 PM
As other people have said.... ADHD is not an "excuse".....

I have become VERY aware that when people use "Must" and "Should" they tend to be coming from a fixed viewpoint, one that is defined by culture or family. This would be backed up by his mother becoming involved.

One of the most important things in an ADHD relationship/marriage is that BOTH sides throw out their musts & shoulds and begin from a clean slate. This is EXTREMELY difficult for some people, because their musts and shoulds provide the framework for their lives and help reduce anxiety.

When this type of relational conversation happens I would advise looking into "Non-Violent Communication" as a way of steering things to a less confrontational conversation.

It's important to understand that he may be coming from a place of fear and anxiety... which could have something to do with having to support you and the family without any safety net if something happens to him. This is a common issue for guys and one that is often difficult to voice, it even has a name in psychotherapy.... the "Be Strong" driver, which is often accompanied in men by "Don't Feel". The net result is guys keep going until the only way they can stop is if illness ensures.

This relational dynamic is pretty toxic and needs a radical shift in communication, so both people can voice their fears, vulnerabilities and feelings. People often assume their relationships are places of open communication, but I can assure you this is rarely the case unless one or both partners have done some serious personal growth work and been willing to risk the relationship in the process.

Ktown85
08-14-16, 05:13 PM
As other people have said.... ADHD is not an "excuse".....

I have become VERY aware that when people use "Must" and "Should" they tend to be coming from a fixed viewpoint, one that is defined by culture or family. This would be backed up by his mother becoming involved.

One of the most important things in an ADHD relationship/marriage is that BOTH sides throw out their musts & shoulds and begin from a clean slate. This is EXTREMELY difficult for some people, because their musts and shoulds provide the framework for their lives and help reduce anxiety.

When this type of relational conversation happens I would advise looking into "Non-Violent Communication" as a way of steering things to a less confrontational conversation.

It's important to understand that he may be coming from a place of fear and anxiety... which could have something to do with having to support you and the family without any safety net if something happens to him. This is a common issue for guys and one that is often difficult to voice, it even has a name in psychotherapy.... the "Be Strong" driver, which is often accompanied in men by "Don't Feel". The net result is guys keep going until the only way they can stop is if illness ensures.

This relational dynamic is pretty toxic and needs a radical shift in communication, so both people can voice their fears, vulnerabilities and feelings. People often assume their relationships are places of open communication, but I can assure you this is rarely the case unless one or both partners have done some serious personal growth work and been willing to risk the relationship in the process.

Thank you so so much for this response. Hit the nail on the head! He is absolutely the "be strong " and "don't feel" type! As is his mom. We do both have a lot of personal growth to do; however I am recognizing this and trying to move forward, while he is stuck in a "you're wrong, I'm right" mentality. As in, my "bad traits" he'd like me to fix, affect him worse that his "bad traits" affect me, therefore, I am the only one who needs to change.
Of course, as Fitfatty stated, you are all only getting my side of the story, I am sure his version is different, but how he describes me/our problems, it would sound very familiar to all of you!! (Messy, disorganized, lazy, selfish, emotional... need I continue?) He is 100% describing an adhd person, yet will not recognize that that is exactly what's going on in my brain.
Also, I want to add, in my original post, I did not mean to sound like I would never get a job again, nor that meds/diagnosis are a reason not to work. I have been at home caring for my 2 sons for 9 years, a pretty long time to be out of the work force. I am simply not comfortable making that huge of a lifestyle change while in the midst of medication trial period. I have never been on long term meds, this is all very new to me, and I do not know how it will affect me. I believe I need to take my changes slowly while figuring out what is going to work for me. My therapist says the same thing.

So anyway, I suppose for now I just need to do what's best for me... hopefully he will be able to catch up.. I have been here through everything supporting him and being here for him, I do not think that expecting the same respect is too much to ask of him..

sarahsweets
08-16-16, 12:52 AM
This is not cool. One thing we are able to do is research the sh*t out of something that we want to know about.That doesnt mean we arent impaired. I am a stay at home mom and on disability, have been for 13 years. There is no way I could even think about working now. His lack of interest in your dx means he gets no say in how you operate. If he wants a say then he has to positivitley participate. As for your MIL- she gets NO SAY because you are not married to her, you are married to her son and she needs to get the hell out of your marriage.

TheFitFatty
08-16-16, 01:38 AM
Also, I want to add, in my original post, I did not mean to sound like I would never get a job again, nor that meds/diagnosis are a reason not to work. I have been at home caring for my 2 sons for 9 years, a pretty long time to be out of the work force. I am simply not comfortable making that huge of a lifestyle change while in the midst of medication trial period. I have never been on long term meds, this is all very new to me, and I do not know how it will affect me. I believe I need to take my changes slowly while figuring out what is going to work for me. My therapist says the same thing.


That definitely makes much more sense. But what is the reason for the sudden pressure for a job? Are you financially stable? Is he able to cope with his own illnesses and his job? (you dont' need to answer these if you don't want to I know it's intrusive)

I totally understand and support your reasons for not working right now, and in an ideal world you would and should have all the time you need. Unfortunately the world isn't very ideal all the time. :(

Could you START looking for work? I know from experience that the process of actually finding a job is long. If you show him that you're working on your resume and actively sending some out, that may be enough for him to get off your back (if he's panicking about finances or something) and you can start working through your own dx and what it means with him?

sarahsweets
08-16-16, 05:59 AM
That definitely makes much more sense. But what is the reason for the sudden pressure for a job? Are you financially stable? Is he able to cope with his own illnesses and his job? (you dont' need to answer these if you don't want to I know it's intrusive)

I totally understand and support your reasons for not working right now, and in an ideal world you would and should have all the time you need. Unfortunately the world isn't very ideal all the time. :(

Could you START looking for work? I know from experience that the process of actually finding a job is long. If you show him that you're working on your resume and actively sending some out, that may be enough for him to get off your back (if he's panicking about finances or something) and you can start working through your own dx and what it means with him?

I am not trying to disagree fitfatty but the thing is...she already doesnt work and hasnt for nine years and now her family expects her to drop everything and get a job? How is she supposed to run out with a resume that has a 9 year gap and not have some condescending employer look down their nose at this "silly little gal" trying to play in the big kids sandbox?

I guess I identify so much with her post and wanted to share that with you as well. The pressure to work when you stay home with your kids or for other issues can be so crushing. To feel like you are less-than, second class, lazy, unfocused,non goal oriented POS because you cant have the work family balance really stings.
No offense BTW.

TheFitFatty
08-16-16, 06:18 AM
I am not trying to disagree fitfatty but the thing is...she already doesnt work and hasnt for nine years and now her family expects her to drop everything and get a job? How is she supposed to run out with a resume that has a 9 year gap and not have some condescending employer look down their nose at this "silly little gal" trying to play in the big kids sandbox?

I guess I identify so much with her post and wanted to share that with you as well. The pressure to work when you stay home with your kids or for other issues can be so crushing. To feel like you are less-than, second class, lazy, unfocused,non goal oriented POS because you cant have the work family balance really stings.
No offense BTW.

No offense taken. I've no idea what her previous job experience is, or what jobs she would be applying for, and I have no doubt it will be difficult, which is why I suggested she start by doing little things like updating her resume and sending some out (via email, so no one can look down their nose :D). She probably won't hear back anytime soon (because the hiring process generally takes ages), so it won't really impact anything. She can have her time to adjust to her meds and her husband can see that she's trying to get a job.

maysarieltiff
08-18-16, 01:48 AM
This is not cool. One thing we are able to do is research the sh*t out of something that we want to know about.That doesnt mean we arent impaired. I am a stay at home mom and on disability, have been for 13 years. There is no way I could even think about working now. His lack of interest in your dx means he gets no say in how you operate. If he wants a say then he has to positivitley participate. As for your MIL- she gets NO SAY because you are not married to her, you are married to her son and she needs to get the hell out of your marriage.

Good lord, yes, I have researched the **** out of my genetics, my meds, my...well everything to do with my mental health. I have been blocked many steps of the way. I still face that with my current psychiatrist, although he means the best and he is a doctor, so what the hell do I know?

I agree, your MIL should not be in your marriage. He should stand up to her and tell her that.

Ktown85
08-18-16, 09:43 AM
Ok here is an update:
To Fitfatty, to answer your questions, financially we are struggling because his illness is causing an unpaid medical leave from his job. We get some money, and are applying for assistance while he is out. I am applying for a job at my kids' school, which will only be a part-time substitute job. I do not have a degree, and my previous jobs from many years ago were customer service jobs. I'd love to go to school again, though obviously right now that is not financially feasible. Also my range is limited, due to the fact that I do not drive (honestly, my anxiety is my "excuse" for that one...)
To add to my MIL being involved, while she should back off and maybe change on her approach, she is financially helping us too. But so did my own mother, she did not jump down my throat!! Nor did she try to make life changing decisions for me.

Sarahsweets, that is the perfect way to describe it, this huge gap in my résumé is not really an ideal candidate in the job market. I think my best option is my kids' school because I have volunteered for 3 years, they know me, and I can ease in with out suddenly having an all day full time job from nothing.

And YES to research (hyperfocus city!) So i am learning everything I can, about my own 'disorders' AND his! I have trouble sleeping (go figure!) So I definitely spend hours Googling everything. I have tried to show him, email or text him the links, write stuff down, printed paper FROM MY THERAPIST and he will not even consider looking at them!
I am not trying to paint him as a bad guy, he's not, mostly he's great but I can't stand the dynamic of *I* have to change, but he does not. He does not understand and he won't even try to... maybe after he feels better, keep your fingers crossed!

Little Missy
08-18-16, 09:50 AM
Sometimes when men get sick they can be more difficult than a child. :eek:

Ktown85
08-19-16, 12:03 PM
Little Missy you are so right haha!! He is truly sick and I am doing my best though! Its hard when he's grumpy and lashes out at me but I try not to take it personal... that is quite difficult to do when you are emotionally sensitive though!

TheFitFatty
08-21-16, 02:33 AM
Ok here is an update:
To Fitfatty, to answer your questions, financially we are struggling because his illness is causing an unpaid medical leave from his job. We get some money, and are applying for assistance while he is out. I am applying for a job at my kids' school, which will only be a part-time substitute job.


That's really great Ktown. My mom transitioned back to work by working at my brother's school. She ended up re-training to work with children with special needs and now she's with the Olympic committee working with young para-olympians. She loves her career and is great at it.

Good luck :) If you need any resume help, I am a professional Public Relations person, so I know how to highlight things :cool:. Just PM me. :D